The Sister's Story

Chapter Two

We constantly received letters from Lily, letters detailing how she found her classes, the various professors who taught her, and...the new friends she had made. She always addressed her letters to all three of us, not leaving me out, but never singling me out either. I still remember various excerpts from her letters.>

And Professor Flitwick told me I was a natural at Charms! Imagine! I'm so pleased that I'm doing well at something.

*

The boys in our class are really annoying, though, I guess boys are the same everywhere. They keep making fun of my hair, and calling it ginger. But I just ignored them. Don't worry, Mum, I won't let them get to me.

*

There's a really nice girl in my class with whom I've made friends. Her name's Talia. She's from a wizarding family, and she was amazed to hear that I didn't even know about Hogwarts until the letter came. She's been helping me out with some stuff, like explaining aspects of the wizarding world.

*

I was, of course, pleased to hear that she had made new friends. After all, wasn't that what I had hoped for her?

Lily didn't come back for Christmas. Apparently, she was enjoying herself very much at school, and wanted to experience a wizarding Christmas. I didn't know how I felt about that. I did not particularly want to see her, as I wasn't sure how to act around her anymore. Should I still pretend to hate her? Did I hate her? Shaking my head, I abandoned the train of questions which had been all too common lately.

I don't know what I had expected when Lily came back for the summer after her first year. Maybe a re-enactment of the silence of the year before, or maybe a pretencethat nothing had ever gone wrong between us. I didn't go to King's Cross with my parents to pick her up, thinking that it would re-enforce the impression that I hated her.

It was worse than I had feared. Lily had been very friendly towards me, actively seeking me out and starting conversations. It was, in fact, similar to what she had been like before the letter. I was moved. I was touched. Most of all, I was confused. Should I, also, revert back to my old self? I knew that our friendship could probably be patched up, as long as I spoke up. We had had fights in the past,of course, although none of them had lasted for this long. I admit that I had wanted to reach out to her, and apologise for my behaviour. Thankfully, though, I didn't. I managed to preserve my cool, disinterested air. And soon, exactly like last year, Lily drew away after observing the lack of effect her words had on me. I felt unidentifiable emotions in me each time I saw her hurt expression after each encounter, but I hardened my heart, and told myself that it was all for the best. Now she could resume her friendships at school, and live happily in her new world.

Nearly every week, I heard sniffles coming from my sister's bedroom across the corridor. In fact, I actually got up several times, but only made it as far as my door before I turned back. Why should I lose out on my sleep just because she couldn't get herself together? Besides, I was doing this for her.

I didn't accompany her to King's Cross for the beginning of her second year. She was obviously hurt, perhaps remembering that I had, in fact, went the previous year. I still remember our last exchange of words before she parted for the second time...

"'Tunia-"

"My name is Petunia, thank you very much. And you're blocking the doorway with your trunk. Either move it, or move yourself."

And she had turned away sadly, not understanding why I was being so cold to her.

* * *

The years progressed. Lily came over a handful of times for Christmas, once the novelty of a wizarding Christmas had worn off. Each summer, she would be friendly towards me at the beginning, but soon withdrew. Each summer, it took less time for her to withdraw. And each summer, I found it less hard to keep my act up. I congratulated myself on my self control and discipline.

I soon noticed that my parents treated us differently. They seemed to pay more attention to Lily, and sought out her opinions more in the conversations we shared. They also asked her many more questions. Well, that was to be expected, wasn't it? After all, she was the one who was going to a magical school. I told myself that it was only natural that my parents should talk more to Lily, especially since she was only home for a few months every year, whereas they saw me every day. I told myself that my parents were only human, and probably couldn't help liking her better. I even told myself that with the way I'd been acting towards Lily,my parents were fully justified to pay more attention to her. But still I felt something bitter within me, resenting the fact that my parents seemed to like Lily more than they liked me.

Once she brought a few friends of hers over. Talia, the girl she had spoken of in her letters, James, a bespectacled boy with messy black hair, and Sirius, another black haired boy with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Tu - Petunia, these are my friends. Talia, James and Sirius," she gesticulated to each one in turn as she spoke their names. "This is my sister, Petunia."

I nodded, and spoke the perfunctory words. "Nice to meet you." Lily looked up, a sudden hope in her eyes. Silly girl, haven't you learned by now that it's no good? "I'm sorry, but I have a lot of work to do. Schoolwork, you know, from a normal school. See you around, freaks."

That night, I pretended not to hear the sniffles coming from my sister's bedroom. I found it an easy matter to turn on my side, away from her. But I couldn't get to sleep. Neither, apparently, could Lily. After about an hour, I got up, fully prepared to go into her room and to tell her to shut up. As I was padding my way to her room, however, I heard footsteps coming from the opposite direction. Slowly backing into my room, I heard whispers.

"You think she's alright?"

"Would you be, having someone call addressing you as a freak all the time?"

"Good point."

"I feel so sorry for Lily. I thought she was exaggerating with her stories of how her sister treats her. I mean, she said they were best friends once."

"Yeah. It would be like you and me having a fight."

"Um...Sirius? We do have fights. Remember that one when I turned your hair pink?"

"I paid you back remember? And then I saw fit to forgive you for that particular transgression."

"Thank you, Sirius. I feel so honoured. And stop showing off your vocabulary."

"Oh shut up. My point is, that fight didn't continue. We made up. Besides, that particular incident was nothing to when you turned Snape's hair pink."

There were sudden scufflings as the boys resumed their way to Lily's room. They paused, however, at the closed door.

"Lily? Are you awake in there?"

"Who is it?"

"Talia? Is that you? Why are you in there?"

"Think about it. Why are you guys outside Lily's door?" A pause. "Don't worry, she's fine now."

"Oh, right."

"Lily? Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Really, guys. Thanks for coming."

"No problem."

"Yeah, no problem, Lily."

"See you tomorrow."

"See you at breakfast, Lil'."

I heard the interaction, crouching behind my door. Obviously, there had been no need for me to go. Wait, I was going to tell her to shut up. Not to - I broke my train of thought. Lily had her friends who cared. That was all I wanted to know. Or was it? Why did I find myself suddenly hating her? And if I do hate her, then why do I still care about her? No, wait, I don't care about her. But...I'm doing all this for her. I...I should care about her. But then why do I - I was going round in circles. Halting my confusing thoughts, I forced myself to go to sleep.

* * *

Talia and the boys left two weeks later. Whilst they had been here, I had holed myself in my room, reading, and listening to music. Not once had I joined the antics of my sister and her friends, although judging from the shrieks of mirth I often heard emanating from her room, they evidently hadn't needed my company. All through that summer, the summer of Lily's fourth year, I had arguments with myself. What did I really feel for my sister? I told myself I should feel happy for her, having achieved friends in the wizarding world. After all, wasn't that what I was hoping for her? Wasn't that why I had persisted in my act to hate her? Act? Is it even an act anymore? But all the same, I couldn't help but feel anger towards her, though I could never pinpoint the exact reason for my bitterness.

I admit that I was curious about Lily's feelings for me. Did she hate me? Surely she didn't, or else she wouldn't persist in her attempts to get me to respond to her. The letters from her came few and far between now. However, I had justification to believe that my parents were withholding some of Lily's letters from me. One day, I heard them talking when they thought I'd fallen asleep.

"It's nice that Lily's doing so well in school."

"Yes, it is, although I do wish that she and Petunia would make up this silly fight."

"It's not so much Lily as it is Petunia, though. I'm not trying to take Lily's side over her sister's in this, but it's difficult, when all we've got Lily's information and what we've personally seen. Petunia just hasn't talked to us, or said anything, and she's always brushing Lily off! We don't know her motivations, or anything. Look, we've seen how Lily constantly tries to draw Petunia out of her shell, and she says - hang on, let me find it - look, here, she says."

A pause,and the sound of the ruffling of paper.

"I don't know. I just don't know. This...this whole thing with Lily and Petunia.They were so happy, so...normal before all this started. Not that they're not normal now, of course, but Petunia is constantly moping around the house. I don't even believe she's got any close friends. I'm worried about her."

"Perhaps I should try and have a talk with her sometime. Get her to explain her feelings. Maybe that might help resolve this whole mess."

"You think I haven't already tried to do that? She tells me that 'everything's fine'. And that there is 'nothing wrong'."

I stopped listening around that point. It was obvious that my parents really did favour Lily. They thought that it was all my fault, and that I wasn't normal. Fury welled up in me. How dare they say that I wasn't normal? When Lily was the one who was going to a special school? Learning magic? And I wasn't normal? Also, I had never seen a letter where Lily said anything about her feelings over the disagreement. Which just proved that my parents were taking her side in this by hiding her letters from me, and that she was talking about me behind my back. Trying to convince our parents that the fight was all my fault. And our parents had fallen for it. Well, honestly! They were the ones who taught me the phrase 'it takes two to tango'. And now they thought it was all my fault? Just because of something Lily wrote in her letters? But...but Lily has tried to talk to you. And you were the one who ignored her. Maybe...maybe...

I ignored the tiny voice in my head telling me that, yes, it did take two to tango, but that I was the one who had ignored Lily, even when she had tried her hardest to resolve the fight. I told myself that it was unfair, and that I had a right to feel indignant.

The whole affair merely augmented my curiosity about Lily's true feelings about me. I had tried to find the letter my parents were discussing, but I never could. I grew more and more frustrated in my search for it, and in the end, I gave up and asked my parents whether they had kept any old letters of Lily's. They exchanged a glance, and after a pause, told me that all the letters we had received were kept in Lily's room.

I was shocked. Did they mean all the letters? So that letter was in Lily's room also? No, I told myself. My parents had probably already sorted the letters out, and kept the ones which included me in it. Nevertheless, I went to Lily's room, in search of the letters. Maybe one of them...might include something.

On entering Lily's room, however, I saw no sign of the letters. Maybe they were kept in one of the drawers in her desk? I asked my parents, and they said, yes, they were probably in there. On opening a drawer, however, the first thing I saw was a notebook. On the cover were fancy letters. Lily E. Evans. I knew what this was. This was my sister's diary. I had received one exactly the same, with my name embossed on the cover, for my tenth birthday.

I couldn't help it. Nosiness had always been a fault of mine, and although I told myself that it was wrong, that it was private, that I would commit suicide if Lily ever read my diary, I still couldn't resist. My heart hammering, I opened it on a random page.

'I'm so excited! An owl just came telling me that I'm a witch, and that I'm going to go to a special school, for learning magic in September! The witch who came told us all sorts of things, and even demonstrated some magic. It was amazing! It was a pity that it happened on Petunia's birthday, however, and I think she's a bit upset about it. She disappeared after, and I found her in the park. I tried to -

I closed the diary hastily. What was I doing? This was my sister's diary. I had no right to be reading it. Ah, but you didn't care about that a few minutes ago, did you? Even though you knew it was wrong? Shoving the diary back into the desk, I slammed it shut and left Lily's room. I was appalled at what I'd just done. Nevertheless, a part of me had felt a thrill when I was reading her diary.

After that incident, I constantly felt the urge to go into Lily's room and continue reading her diary. Each time, however, I managed to repel my curiosity. I told myself that it was wrong, and that, yes, I had given in once, but that it wouldn't happen again. After all, I still had standards. There were some things I simply would not do. I repeated these things to myself, trying to convince myself that I wasn't low, that I wasn't nothing, and that I still had morals. Somewhere inside of me, however, the thought remained that I was a miserable and contemptible being, for invading my sister's privacy. To repress that thought, I tried to shift the blame onto my sister. After all, if it wasn't for her actions, I wouldn't have felt curiosity, and I wouldn't have been tempted to go into her room and read her diary. Yes, it was her fault. After all, she hadn't exactly acted honourably, complaining about me to our parents behind my back. I told myself I was fully justified to have done what I did, and that had it not been for her, I would not have this wretched feeling inside of me. Whenever Lily came home from school, I acted even worse to her than I'd done before, because I felt that she deserved it, for making me feel this miserable. I conveniently forgot the fact that I should still be acting, that I shouldn't be feeling horrible about her. I told myself that she was unworthy, and that she didn't really deserve to have me looking out for her welfare.

* * *

I had achieved only mediocre marks in my years at school, and after finishing high school, I had not gone on to university. Instead, I began working as a secretary in a company for making drills. I no longer lived with my parents, but instead rented a small apartment near where I worked. It was a dreary job, but I stuck through it. With my marks, it was unlikely that I could find anything much better.

Lily left for her last year of Hogwarts. As usual, I hadn't accompanied her to the station, and chose instead to stay at home. It was during that year when tragedy struck. I was in the office doing extra work on that particular day, but my parents were both at home. They were defenceless against the black robed people who came in and uttered the words of destruction. I was told later that it had been quick, and that it had only taken seconds, but that had not lessened my grief. Lily was told, of course, and came down from her school to attend the funeral. It was a sombre affair. Lily was distraught, that much was obvious. She didn't say a word as she sat through it, tears pouring down her face. I was distraught too, but far less emotion showed through. After the funeral, I began walking towards the subway, where I would catch a train to my apartment.

I was interrupted by a shout. Turning around, I saw that it was my sister.

"You're just going to leave? Just like that?" Lily looked furious.

"The funeral's over. They're dead. What else can I do?" I spoke calmly.

"They were our parents. Don't you even care?" She was crying now, choking out her words.

"Of course I care. But there's nothing else to be done. Excuse me, Lily, I have to get back to work." Although my tone was calm, inwardly I was as broken up as she was. But years of suppressing my emotions had meant that I could control them well.

"You just don't care about them, do you? I thought it was only me you didn't care about, but that you still loved them. Are you even capable of feeling anything, Petunia? You call me the freak. But think of yourself! You're the freak! You're inhuman! You don't even seem to be bothered about their death!"

Her words hurt me. A person without any feelings, that was what she thought of me. A monster who didn't even care about the death of her parents. A part of me knew that Lily was in grief right now, that she probably didn't really believe what she was saying. But that part was quickly squashed by the anger which was now rising quickly inside me.

"I'm a freak, am I? I'm the freak? Those black robed people were of your type, don't forget. If it wasn't for you and your abnormality, they would still be alive! You just had to go and become Head Girl at that school of yours, didn't you? Just had to show off? Just because you turned on the waterworks, my dear sister, does not mean that you can fool me. You're feeling guilty! You know as well as I do that you were the cause of their deaths. So don't call me the freak just because I have the decency to not make a public spectacle of myself! And next time, before you accuse me of anything, think carefully about it. Were it not for your...unnaturalness...our parents would still be alive. You think about that, Lily. You killed them."

I was simply lashing out at her, saying words which I knew would hurt her. Hurt her as she had hurt me. All these years, it had always been me pushing her away. At the back of my mind was always the belief that my sister still liked me, and that our friendship could still be patched up, as soon as I spoke up. Now, however, it had all been turned upside down. I was no longer in control. Lily was just as angry with me as I was - was? Shouldn't it be 'pretended to be'? - with her. It was a new situation, and I did not know how to deal with it. My words, however, seemed to do the trick. Lily had stopped short, looking horrified. She opened her mouth, undoubtedly to say something else. I braced myself. But the words never came. A look of utter shock on her face, Lily turned around and ran.

I took a few steps towards her, but then stopped. What was I doing? That had been my aim, had it not? To get her and her accusations away from me. I began walking purposefully towards the subway once again, determined to forget. Looking back now, that was probably the crucial moment. Had I not said those hurtful words, then Lily and I might have been reconciled over our mutual grief. Even after I'd said them, she might have forgiven me had I apologised to her later. Lily had clearly not been entirely in her own mind, and she was nothing if not fair and just. I did think of writing a letter to her later, in fact, but there was the difficulty of how to get it to her. My parents had owned an owl, so that they could communicate with Lily, but I would not touch that thing with a ten foot pole. It had been taken away by Lily. Just thinking about that owl, in fact, had made me angry. It was an owl which had started this whole thing. An owl carrying that piece of paper. The more I reminisced, the angrier I got. In the end, I tore up my letter, and resolved never to do anything of the sort again. Really, I was out of my mind. Apologising to her? She should be the one apologising to me! Once again, my pride had emerged as the stronger of the two conflicting emotions inside me, and that opportunity, like so many others, came and went.