Gentle Rain

Chapter 12 - Lesson to Learn

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Why did I do that? Have I gone completely and utterly mad? Severus Snape strode back and forth in his chamber trying to make some sense about the last night's events.

It was so totally unlike me, totally unlike anything I am or anything I planned.

Not to tell her, remember, I decided NOT to reveal my pitiful feelings to her, NOT TO KISS HER! Then why the hell did I do it? Damn!

I wish I could wrap Albus' beard around his neck a few times and hang him on the highest candlestick on the wall in the Great Hall with it. It was an unforgivable, just despicable deed to do. Why has he always got to stick his big nose into other people's affairs? What was he thinking for Merlin's sake?

And what exactly will I say to her? She and her impertinence, certainly she won't leave a single rock unturned in order to find out what happened. And why it happened? And how? And what for? And how long and.... Oh holy shit! Flooding questions of hers are causing me a headache even before they are asked. I possibly can't confront her. Not now, not ever. Thank heavens she's gone away for the holidays, but it's only temporary, she'll come back her head gushing with questions I can't and won't answer, and she'll haunt me till I lose my mind.

If I haven't already.

"Severus, my dear boy, calm down, you look dreadful," a familiar voice said behind Severus' back.

"Don't I always?" Severus answered sarcastically turning swiftly to face the Headmaster whose head was hovering amongst the flames in Severus' fireplace. "Was there something else you had on your mind, or did you just appear here to insult my looks?"

"There, there, now Severus, to be honest I was little worried since you haven't shown up for breakfast or lunch."

"I'm touched, but I didn't need a nanny when I was three years old and I certainly don't need one now."

"Aren't we a little edgy today? Would you mind to enlighten me with a cause for your foul mood?"

"Yes I would, but since I know you won't leave me alone until you know, I'll just say that your little blackout wasn't without consequences. I assume you are satisfied, so please, leave me alone so that I may continue wrestling with my inner demons."

"I will, as soon as you have told me the reason for why you are so mad at me. I don't see how the short blackout at the last night's party has anything to do with anything."

"As if you didn't know." Severus scowled. "First you forced me to dance with Miss Granger, strongly against my free will and I'm afraid that against hers as well. And then you arranged those damn lights go off, so that under the effects of those gingerbreads, which I was stupidly enough unaware of at the time, I did the most idiotic thing in my life, save taking the Dark Mark."

"What could you possibly have managed to do in so extremely short time, your clothes on, in the middle of a crowded ballroom floor that you are so ashamed of? Please go on," the Headmaster asked curiosity dripping from his voice.

"I kissed her." Severus blurt out with a disgusted scowl. It sounded as if he had committed a murder or raped someone at the least.

"You kissed her?" A wide and amused smile spread onto the older wizard's face and it seemed as if someone had switched that infamous twinkle in his eyes on. "What's wrong with that? I felt like kissing her myself," there he lowered his voice and to Severus' surprise whispered with a laughter in his voice, "but instead I settled for Minerva. Please, don't let her know I said that. It would make her furious," he said, reminding Severus for a fleeting moment of Fred, or George Weasley, who cares. "But you're mistaken in one thing. It wasn't I who turned those lights off, it was you." Dumbledore continued with a little bit more sober face.

"What are you trying to insinuate? I certainly did not do it, check my wand if you don't believe me, I would never do anything so silly. You of all people should know that for now," Severus snapped and Dumbledore could hardly suppress his laughter. It never ceased to amaze him how childish this cool of the coolest wizard was at the times. Especially in matters where his emotions were involved.

"Not with your wand and not on purpose," he said, trying to calm the over heated Potions Master. "The content of those gingerbreads made by Madam Sprout was quite unique, you see. They didn't only remove the barriers around your deepest desires in your heart, but also heightened your ability to attract events that'll help the progress of getting what you desire. Wandless magic, my friend, wandless magic. You happen to be quite talented with it even without the magical bakery products."

"Oh, I see. So there was an unconscious desire to humiliate myself and to get me into trouble, not to mention to give Miss Granger the most repugnant Little Christmas surprise of her life," Severus scoffed sarcastically. "If those damn cookies were really to further me towards my wishes, I would have been dashed away from that horrible get together into some cosy armchair in my own chamber, alone, some intriguing volume on my lap." He crossed his arms over his chest defensively and looked absolutely intransigent. A silence fell between the two wizards. Dumbledore seemed to be searching for the right words, the right way to break Severus' resistance on the subject. After a long while Dumbledore started speaking again. His face was grave and one could hear the deep care and concern under his words.

"There are no excuses for you to avoid life anymore. All the reasons to hide and run away from close relationships died with Voldemort. Nothing holds you back, except your own fears."

"What are you talking about?" Dumbledore could almost see how Severus-the-child held his hands on his ears chanting 'I'm not listening' over and over again.

"She is not your student anymore."

"Am I supposed to arrive at certain conclusions here?"

"You humour me, Severus. I wish you could allow life to humour you. If I were younger, let's say, fifty years... well, maybe seventy, I'd want her myself. She's a marvel. And you are not fooling me with that sullen face of yours," Albus said with a gentle tone that a father upbraids a prankish child. "But of course, it's you're choice. If you rather see her hanging with Potter, the second..." he said lowing his brows meaningfully. "It's funny how life tends to repeat similar kinds of situations as long as the lesson hidden in there is learned. Life is a more merciful teacher than you Severus; it always gives you a second chance. If you didn't get its message the first time, you'll get to try again. One wouldn't like to miss it; it wouldn't be very clever now would it?" The Headmaster's head disappeared and Severus found himself staring a long time at the soon to be dying down flames and pondering deeply his last words.