Guiding Star

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Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. – Oscar Wilde

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Guiding Stars

I think he still doubts that I love him. The Confession was three weeks ago. Merlin, was that nerve-racking! I’ve never had a problem hooking up with anyone before him. Actually, I don’t believe I’ve ever had to say anything. They either ask me, or I give them a suggestive glare and we trotted off together. They were easy, I was easy. They were shallow and they loved me for my looks. I’m Quidditch star Sirius, with the long black hair . Girls love me for my mysterious beauty, and it’s the same with the boys. They can't figure me out and they love that aspect of it.

Whenever I entered a relationship with any of them, they understood that I didn’t truly care about them. Did I care that I was using them? Yes, I’m only human. I was giving them what they wanted, a piece of me. It was a joint understanding. They knew I wanted something, but I’m not the whore they all make me out to be. They wanted Sirius Black and I wanted… well, what I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted Remus Lupin. Remus Lupin… the untouchable, studious werewolf.

I’ve never been afraid of him. James was, for a time. He was afraid but he let his friendship overcome his fear. Peter was, too. Peter was easy to convince, though. James and I told him that there were a lot of people that would be worse for a roommate (namely Malfoy, Snape, Rosier…). He was bought. With me… From the start I knew that Remus was special, knew that he was different. James and Peter and me were little boys and acted as such, but Remus has always been so much more mature than the rest of us. I became obsessed with him. To me he was perfect and always has been. Jamie and I are smart, but he’s practical. He’s got book smarts and applied things, too.

I used to yearn to be like him, but then I realized that I only wanted to be with him.

Essentially it was Remus that taught me want and desire. It was Remus that taught me love, though it was all of the unrequited sort. I wanted him so much that it hurt, I desired him and only him… And I loved him truly and completely, but I didn’t think that I could have him. Remus was something out of bounds to me. Besides, when I came out to my roommates, I kind of assumed that they were off limits – Peter and James made me promise not to hit on them. Somehow I convinced myself that Remus thought the same.

I went on the dates with the meaningless many to forget my want and my desire. I did not want or desire or love any of them. I wanted to forget that I couldn’t have the one that I wanted. They helped me to forget, if only for a little bit. It was easier than actually telling him. By not telling him, I was breaking only one heart, wherein telling him could mean the breaking of both our hearts. At least, I think that was my logic. It seems so stupid, now.

I knew what everyone else wanted, they wanted the image that is Sirius Black – but what does Remus want? Remus Lupin says that he loves me, Sirius Black, as I love him. I know that he doesn’t want me for the same reason that the others did. It’s not my pretty face or soft hair that gets him – that I know. What does he want?

The hardest part for me was coming out to him, being straight with the way I felt. At that point there was nothing harder. It surprised me that he felt the same. I expected him to run. I hadn’t been with anyone since Cadman, and I broke that off days before fifth year ended. I built up the courage and told him. The Confession. He didn’t run, nor did he laugh or… He blinked, and tilted his head in an oh-so-Remus fashion.

“You don’t love me,” he said, his face blank from all expression. “You don’t love me and you can't love me. I’m not one of your toys and I will not kiss the ground you walk on. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Padfoot, you’re confusing ‘love’ and ‘lust’. That works for others perhaps, but not for me.” I started to protest, he continued in a whisper, “no one can love me. No one can love a dark creature. No one can one to spend their entire life mated to a dark creature. Please don’t say something you don’t mean, Pad——”

I kissed him to shut him up.

Then I told him that I’d always loved him, and that he wasn’t a dark creature. I believed it all. He then said he loved me, too. ‘Said that Moony loved me as well. It did shock me, shouldn’t it have? What is there to love about me? No other relationship was serious enough to me for me to care about what the other wanted, truly wanted. I can't think about anything else, though. Ever since I’ve told him, it’s been “why does he care about me?” and “am I good enough for him?”. Well, he did say Moony chose me as well, but… I just don’t know sometimes. I know why I love him, it’s just that I never expected my feelings to be reciprocated.

We’re going so slowly. Slowly with everything. He feels guilty; “Werewolves mate for life, Siri, there’s no going back. Think about this… really think. Can you imagine spending your entire life with me? There’ll be no turning back, no divorce, Siri. Everything’ll be for keeps.”

So we’re lying together, under the stars. He’s in my arms, and I can't believe it. I’ve been staring at him for… I don’t know, a while. He wasn’t exactly conscious the whole time, though. He looks up at me, his eyes wide.

“Regretting it already?” he sounds worried, I hold him closer and shake my head;

“This isn’t a dream, is it?” he looks at me in his unique way, I elaborate, “you’re here, in my arms. I keep asking myself ‘how can this be real?’ and yet, and yet you’re here… here with me.”

“I’m still trying to believe it myself… we have forever to figure it out, though.”

“Forever may not be long enough.”

“Never long enough…” he agrees. “Siri, think we should head back?” I did mention that he’s always been the sensible one, right?

I run a hand through his hair, hair of which there really isn’t an adjective to describe, as I contemplate. “Well, tomorrow’s Saturday, and no one’ll miss us. Not really.”

“Quidditch?”

“Jamie moved the practice to the afternoon, remind me to thank him.”

Remus smiles, a genuine smile, a smile that’d I’d seem more of in the past few weeks than in the entire time I knew him. “Guess that means we can stay here? I am quite comfortable…”

“You know I love you, right?” He nods and I kiss him – there’s no way to resist. He’s finally mine. I might not be able to understand how or why, but I’m doing my best.

Soon I hear the gentle sounds Remus makes when he’s sleeping and decide I should probably sleep, too, and leave the moon and the stars to protect us.