Why I Don't Love You

It was a beautiful day. The entire school was outside, and an informal, four-team Quidditch game had been started. Those who weren't watching or playing were lounging on the grounds, enjoying the first true summer day of the year. Sirius Black was sitting on his bed, hunched over a blank piece of parchment, chewing at the end of his quill. He was writing an essay, or trying to anyway. It wasn't for school, and he didn't intend to show it to anyone. He just needed written proof for himself. Dipping his quill in ink, he wrote at the top of the page: Why I Don't Love You. After a bit more chewing, he lowered the quill again.

I don't love you because you're a werewolf. I can't love a werewolf. I can be your friend, but loving a werewolf is just out of the question.

Sirius stopped writing and considered what he'd just written. It wasn't very articulate. There was no logic in it. In fact, it was a total lie. Knowing that Remus wasn't perfect only made Sirius love him more. Deep down, he found the werewolf strangely endearing. Who cared if Remus turned into a murderous beast once a month? He was still one of the best friends Sirius had ever had. Sirius crossed out what he'd written and started again.

I don't love you because you're a boy. Or a man; whatever. In any case, I can't love you. It's not right, it's not natural. I like girls, just like James. I do.

Totally ridiculous, again. Liking boys was perfectly natural. Lots of people did it. And to be honest, he'd never been interested in girls. Sure, Lily was hot, and he'd once seen Ellen O'Donnel (who no one was calling ugly) without her shirt, but he wasn't interested in either one of them. He'd never fancied a girl in his life. Sirius scribbled out his writing again.

I don't love you because you're my friend. I can't be in love with my friend. It will ruin our friendship.

Nonsense. He loved Remus because he was his friend. If they weren't friends, he wouldn't be in love. Start over.

I don't love you because you're smarter than me.

There was a dumb reason if ever there was one. Sirius put a line through it.

I don't love you because you're not beautiful.

An outright lie. Remus was the most gorgeous creature he'd ever laid eyes on, and Sirius knew for a fact that every girl at Hogwarts would agree with him--including Lily. He crossed out the sentence.

I don't love you because you follow the rules.

Bollocks. Following the rules was a good thing, and Remus was better than anyone at bending them. He'd gotten Sirius out of many a tight spot by bending the rules. Sirius put a large X over the line.

I don't love you because--

Sirius stopped. He was out of ideas. The page was almost full, and he had nothing. Why couldn't he think of anything?

I don't love you because... you don't love me.

Sirius watched the ink dry. He let out a sigh of relief. Then he put the parchment under his pillow and went outside to watch the Quidditch.

It was the end of a beautiful day. Sirius crawled into bed and pulled the parchment out to reassure himself that he did not love Remus.

The last sentence was crossed off.

Did I do that? Surely he hadn't. He'd remember if he had. He glanced at Remus.

Remus smiled. "I corrected it," he said.

I don't love you because you don't love me. Sirius stared at the thick black line through the sentence. He wondered what would happen.

END