In the Madness of my Mind

Peter isn't here. I sniff in the corners, search for a note, and give up. He's supposed to be here. Where did he go? Did Voldemort come? But no one struggled here; I smell no fear. He's gone.

It's cold outside as I pad up the street, the wind blowing the rain into my already straggly fur, making my human mind shiver. The back alley where I left my motorcycle is darker than the street. I can't see my own paws in front of me. Man again, spidery white hands come into view. I stand. I know where to go. If Peter is gone, if something has happened, I have to warn them. Perhaps he's there with them, perhaps my worries are figments of my own nervous imagination, but I have to know.

Godric's Hollow is an hour too far away. An hour of worrying, an hour of pictures and flashes in my mind that I hope I never see, an hour of wondering, an hour of wanting to Apparate but knowing it's too dangerous, an hour of being cold and wet and alone. Alone with my thoughts, which I wish would go away. Haunt someone else, you desolate dreams! But thoughts never leave. And some thoughts come true.

Smoke and rubble, a familiar house turned to dust, friendly faces nowhere, somewhere underneath, lost forever.

Oh Peter, what have you done?

A dark figure lifts something from the ruins, something small and screaming, something not dead. That thought, at least, has not come true. "Harry!" I yell, tripping over robes and stones to reach him, falling at the feet of someone I know whose name I cannot recall. I scramble to my feet. "What...?"

"You-Know-'oo," the giant answers. "Lily an' James are dead."

I already knew that. They're somewhere beneath me, unmarked and growing cold. Somewhere I don't want to think about. "Give him to me," I beg, holding out my arms. "I'm his godfather, I'll take care of him." I want to cling to the baby, the last shred, that screaming wet lump that at the moment I love more than life itself.

"I can't," he replies, somewhat apologetically. "Dumbledore's orders, 'e's to go ter his relatives."

What relatives? I can't think. Does he have relatives? "James would have wanted me to have him." James. Best friend. Dead.

"But Dumbledore-"

"Please. I need him. I'm his godfather, I'll take care of him."

"I 'ave to bring 'im to Dumbledore."

Bloody stupid! I don't know what to do right now, except that I need to get Harry. Hide Harry, protect him. From Peter, oh Peter. Why did you do it? You'll tell me and then I'll kill you, rip you apart bit by bit and hear your screams like I hear theirs echoing in my head. Phantom screams. Why did we trust you? But the man before me is not Peter. "Please," I say again.

He shakes his head.

A new thought in my mind: Peter. He's still free, he's out there somewhere living, and he cannot live. "Take my bike," I say. "Take it with Harry, take care of him, I won't need it anymore." Hunting. Dog instinct. I leave Harry with the giant, he will be safe, and I seek the murderer, the friend, the betrayer, the Secret-Keeper.

Secret-Keeper... Peter was their Secret-Keeper, not me, not me. We switched. I was the obvious choice. But Peter, you were the wrong choice. You are the betrayer. Or am I the betrayer? James! Lily! I betrayed your lives for my own safety. I was scared. Should I be scared now? But I didn't do it. I wasn't your Secret-Keeper. Or was I? In Dumbledore's eyes, in Remus's eyes... Oh Remus, why did I lie to you? Why did I think it was you, you the betrayer, how could it be, why couldn't I see that? Will you believe them when they say I did it? Will you hate me with the world, my last friend? Don't hate me. Remus, please don't hate me. Does anyone know we switched? No. I need to find Peter. Where are you, little rat? Why can I not smell you? Tell me where you are, tell me, Peter. Tell me why you did it.

You. I smell you near, you can't hid anymore. Do you see me, Peter? Do you see what you've done? You can see them dead through my eyes, and you've nowhere to run now. I always was better than you, little friend. Oh, you have a wand? Well, I do too. I don't need it though, I'll kill you with my bare hands and enjoy every minute of it. Even if I cry, don't you think I cry for you. I cry for them.

"Lily and James, Sirius, how could you?"

What? You did it. I-

BANG.

Oh, where have you gone now? Little rat, little Wormtail... I see you again- you're gone. A finger, Peter? A finger and a crater, a street full of screams; this is what you leave behind. And me, me, the Secret-Keeper in all eyes but yours, you leave me to the fate that should be yours.

I laugh. Why am I laughing? My soul hurts, my bones ache, there is a dead child at my feet, and I laugh. I laugh because there is nothing else to do. I could chase you, Peter, but what's the use? No more use than tears. You're gone. I can't tear you apart, you've done that yourself. You're dead, Peter. I laugh because you're dead, that's why I laugh. You threw away life, Peter, you threw it away for him. Laugh with me, why don't you? You've escaped. You've won. They'll throw me in Azkaban and you'll laugh at me then.

Do you want to take me with you? I'll come. The rat did it all. Do you see the rat? No, the rat is gone.

Am I laughing or crying? I hate you, Peter. I wanted to tear you apart but you tore me apart instead.

Remus, help me. I'm scared. I'm laughing so hard I'm sobbing. Why am I laughing? Am I going mad? Am I already mad? Help me.

James, forgive me. Forgive me for being a coward. I love you, mate. Stay with me. Will you stay with me in the madness of my mind? Tell them I didn't do it. Stay with me.

Stay.