Someone to Hold Onto

The drawn curtains of Sirius Black's bed fluttered sorrowfully as he silently sobbed behind them, his handsome face covered by his hands. He didn't dare open those curtains, or leave the Gryffindor boys' dormitory in such an hysterical state. He was, after all, sharing a bedroom with his boyfriend - no, his ex - boyfriend.

How could James do this to him?

Sirius heard a creak from the other end of the room; his five years of familiarity to the dormitory told him someone just entered. He immediately stopped crying and paid close attention to the sound of nearing footsteps. They didn't shuffle, like Peter's. Could that mean...

"James?" he said, and instantly regretted the watery, pathetic sound of his voice. No way did he want to show weakness; no way did he want James to see him cry. But, as the curtains were gently pushed aside, Sirius saw through teary eyes that it was Remus, not James, standing before him.

Emotion quickly washed over Sirius, and he almost began to cry again. "Oh, Remus!" he cried, and instantly threw himself into his friend's arms. Remus's body felt oddly rigid and formal, but a soothing hand went to stroke Sirius on the head, anyway. "I was a fool, such a bloody fool! I loved him, I really did...and I thought he loved me..."

"Sirius..." Remus said, uneasily. His voice sounded sympathetic, but there was something else in that voice that didn't fit the werewolf's normal tone. Sirius looked up into Remus's eyes, and was surprised to see a look of doubt instead of caring. Still, Sirius held close to Remus's body. He liked the warmth he found there, the feeling of familiarity, like Remus was a part of the room itself. Sirius felt like he knew Remus like his own bedroom.

"He's with a girl, Moony!" He spit the word out like unripened nettle wine; Sirius was taking James's betrayal harder than Remus thought. "Been with her for weeks now...or so I've heard." Sirius shook his head in desperation. "Why didn't I know? Why didn't anyone tell me...?"

Suddenly, Remus pushed him away with a shove hard enough to push Sirius back onto the maroon and gold comforter of the bed. "I did tell you. Lots of times. But you didn't listen." His face nor his voice held any sympathy. "'James loves me,' you'd say. 'He'd never do that to me.' You would say, that I was just lying to break you two up, because I was secretly in love with you."

"You were," Sirius said. He was shocked, dismayed...but most of all disappointed. Of all people, he thought that Remus Lupin would be the one he could turn to now, when he needed him the most. Remus was always the quiet, sensitive one; he was always there when any of his friends needed him. Why was he acting this way now?

Remus looked down at the comforter; he couldn't look Sirius in the face. "I am," he confessed, "in love with you. But I wouldn't lie about James to hurt you." He gave a deep sigh, and his voice came out more like a whisper. "More than anything, I wouldn't want to hurt you."

"Then why are you doing this??" Sirius's breath came out like a desperate reach for reason, like a petulant child claiming something wasn't fair. "Remus, I need you -"

"No, you don't." Remus's eyes met Sirius's, and they were filled with a cold sadness that Sirius couldn't recognize. "I know your ways, Sirius. You're looking for someone who will buy in to your self-pity. You need a shoulder to cry on; a bed to shag in. You need someone to help you forget about James. You don't need me; you just need someone."

The words hit Sirius harder than any curse Severus Snape ever threw at him. Did Remus think he was that shallow, that reckless with his friendships? He then thought of James, and how quickly he claimed that he was in love with the Potter boy. Was Sirius really in love? Or was he being reckless with that friendship, too?

"I can't be that for you," Remus continued. "I won't be that for you. You're my best friend -" Remus's voice cracked, and his face tried to hold back a sob. "And you don't even know what you're doing to me."

Sirius felt his eyes well up with tears again, but he held them in. He refused to show his weakness to James...and he refused to throw his pity onto Remus. If there was anything that Sirius wanted, it was his friend, it was Remus...but just how did he want him? As a friend, as a lover...or as a fling, something that - and this made him think of James, again - would destroy the bond of the Marauders forever? "But...but..."

Remus held up his hand, stopping Sirius short. "Save it," he said. He closed his eyes and turned away; he was already through with looking at Sirius today. "There's nothing you can say to me now." He rose off the bed slowly, ignoring the audible, ever-quickening breaths of his friend beside him.

Sirius shook his head to himself frantically. No, this wasn't how it was supposed to be...none of it was. James wasn't supposed to fall for Lily Evans; he wasn't supposed to leave Sirius so unceremoniously, to toss him like their friendship meant nothing. Sirius wasn't supposed to fall in love, fall so hard, and lose so much. Remus wasn't supposed to leave him like this, leave him like James left him. He couldn't leave; this had to be sorted out. How could everything go so wrong?

"Wait, Remus -!" Sirius cried, holding out his arm to the retreating werewolf. But Remus didn't look back, didn't take a bit of a pause to acknowledge his friend's desperation. What Sirius didn't know, and didn't understand, was that Remus couldn't look back, or he would have given in, he would have stayed with Sirius all night. But Remus couldn't risk his integrity for his love of Sirius, and he wouldn't risk their friendship, either.

"I'll come back when you stop pitying yourself," Remus called over his shoulder. He walked to the door of the room and left, the sound of his clear, determined steps diminishing down the stairwell, until Sirius could not hear them any more. He looked through the open slit of the bed curtains, where Remus had just made his departure. He caught a glimpse of two beds: the beds of Remus and James, and he wondered, his head in his hands, if this could ever be right again.