To Be Read Upon My Death

Andromeda suggested I write this. She told me to get my thoughts and feelings down on paper in case something happened to me. We're going after a group of Death Eaters tomorrow--a secret meeting. Everyone worries at times like this. They never say anything. They never act scared. Once we're there, wands blazing, everyone's a hero. But for a few days beforehand, there are those nervous moments--the spilled drink, the sharp retorts, the sudden drop in appetite. Everyone worries when we're going into dangerous situations. But they worry about themselves--what if I die? What if I'm hurt? I have never worried about my own safety. I only worry about Remus's. He puts on a brave front, and I know he's an adult and he can take care of himself, but I get so scared sometimes.

I told Andromeda I'd do this. I feel like an ass, but here it is. My thoughts, my feelings...the only feeling I can come up with at all is for Remus. I know I feel things about other people, other situations, but my thoughts turn to him every second of every day. It's like I'm just moving through the world on autopilot, like I'm watching a photograph, because nothing is real but him.

I don't like corny love songs. I don't "do" romance. So why does he make me want to sing?

Fortunately for everyone, I restrain my sick romantic urges. I don't even sing to Remus when we're alone. I don't lower myself on one knee and profess my undying love. I don't woo him with roses or sappy poetry. And I think he appreciates that, although sometimes, I wonder. I've seen him gazing in the shop windows at the ribbon-wrapped boxes of chocolate. I've seen his eyes glaze over as Lily talks about James's romantic displays.

I never imagined anyone could make me this happy. I certainly didn't expect that someone to be male. After all, boys who like boys are...well, they're gay. And I'm not gay. I mean, I just...oh hell, I am gay, aren't I? Bollocks. It's not an identity I want, but then I don't know what identity I do want.

I was a Black, and that was awful. I was a Marauder, and that was fun, but I don't want to spend my adult life known for childish pranking. I am an Auror, and that's nice; I guess I could live with that. Sirius the Auror. Hee hee. And I'm gay, but I don't want to be known as just "that gay wizard." Or even "that gay Auror." What else am I? A man, a wizard, a human...Remus's lover? Sirius Lupin, perhaps? Imagine the look on Mummy's face if she were to hear that.

James. James was all I needed. He's been my best friend since we were little. All I needed was James and a pretty girl, maybe a couple kids later on. Much later. I still have James. But I don't have a pretty girl. I have a handsome boy. And we'll never have children of our own.

I have a distinct aversion to carrying on the Black family name, but I'd love to see the Lupin name carried on. Remus has no siblings; he's the last hope. And I know any child of his would be attractive and intelligent and sweet. Mix my genes in, and it would be the most attractive child to have ever lived, bright, independent, sweet, and fun-loving. Oh, if only there were some way to create this perfect person...

I don't know if anyone will ever see this. If they do, I guess that will mean I'm dead. I can't say I'm sorry about my death; I hope I died as I lived, but whatever happened, I guess it's over. Nothing to do for it now. Ha ha, I hope there was a huge turnout at my funeral. I hope my family finally realised the error of their ways and flung themselves on my coffin, prostrate with grief. I hope...I hope that if I died, Remus didn't have to see it. As awful as it sounds, I hope he died first so he'd never have to feel the pain I know he'd feel at my death. And if he's still alive, I hope he can find a way to move on somehow.

I just realised I wrote all that stuff about Remus in third person. How silly. Remus, if you're reading this...well, I've said it all already, haven't I? Know that I always loved you, and I'll always be watching over you. Oh, and I'll save you a seat up here. (Assuming I go where I hope I'm going.)

X Sirius Black