Draw the Veil

XI. The Other Elephant

Snogging in the Common Room

I had almost forgotten that moment, that sensation, until very recently. It was just one of many interesting things that happened during my time at Hogwarts.

For 4 years, I treated my feelings about other boys like yet another elephant. I pretended to like girls, and I even did like a few, I think, in a way. I made a concerted effort to avoid staring at any boy for too long, especially in the dormitory showers.

In a sense, there was no reason to keep my feelings from my friends. Sirius snogged other boys as a matter of course, and no one seemed to be too horrified by it. But then, Sirius was not gay.

'James, why does Sirius snog boys all the time?' I asked once. It was our fifth year at Hogwarts, and the two of us were trying to play a game of wizard chess in the common room, but we were finding ourselves constantly distracted by Sirius, who was pouncing on the other boys and trying to kiss them, laughing hysterically.

James shrugged and looked back at the board. 'Who knows? Why does Sirius do any of the things he does? He's just Sirius.'

'Yes, but I thought it wasn't normal to do that.'

'What is "normal" exactly, Remus? I spent half of yesterday with cat ears because of Peter's little prank. You transform into a man-eating monster once a month.'

I grinned. James was right, but...'I've seen him with girls, too.'

'Who knows?' James replied. 'Maybe he likes both.'

'I didn't know that was possible.'

'Anything's possible, mate. It's even possible that one day, Snivellus will wash his hair. It's a crazy world.'

I laughed at the thought of Severus Snape using shampoo and then turned to look at Sirius, who was french-kissing a slightly reluctant sixth-year on the settee. I felt a quiver in my stomach at the sight, and I quickly forced it away. 'The other boys don't seem to mind. Are they like that, too?'

James ruffled his hair and sighed. 'You ask a lot of questions.'

'I'm sorry,' I protested. 'I led a sheltered life.'

James glanced over at the boys. 'Maybe some of them are bisexual. But that doesn't mean that they'd all want to date boys. There's a difference between not minding Sirius and actually wanting Sirius.'

'You don't mind him, do you?' I asked. 'Or is it that you want him?'

'I don't mind,' he said. 'It's harmless. Heck, that sort of thing is common in a place like this, where we're all cooped up together and randy. But I don't want to snog boys.' He glanced up as the Gryffindor painting swung open and Lily Evans walked in. 'No, I don't want to snog boys.'

'What on earth? Is no one safe?' Lily exclaimed, standing over Sirius and the other boy, her hands on her hips. 'Man, it's getting so you can't come in the common room anymore without feeling like you're in a porn film or something.'

Sirius and the other boy sat up quickly. Sirius immediately assumed the cocky, suave attitude he so often did around attractive girls. 'Lily, milady, I offer you my deepest apologies for offending your delicate sensibilities with such an unabashed display of man-love.' He took her hand and kissed it, grinning.

'Idiot,' she muttered, walking off.

'Idiot,' James repeated, standing up. He walked over to Sirius. 'Don't hassle the women, Sirius,' he muttered.

'Awwww, James is jealous,' Sirius teased. James turned pink. 'He's blushing! He is jealous! Now, I wonder which of us he's jealous of?'

Sirius grabbed James by the shoulders and kissed him hard. James wriggled out of his grasp. I watched them wrestle, and for a brief moment, I wondered if I should step in; I had been made prefect that year, the most ironic choice Professor McGonagall had ever made (I think she felt that I was the most redeemable of the four of us). Several younger students were watching me intently, wondering why I did nothing, but I merely shrugged and looked down at the chessboard.

'Git,' James muttered under his breath as he returned to the game. He noticed my look of surprise. 'Not you.' He sat down.

Sirius was pouting and grinning simultaneously. 'OK, who's next?' he asked. He glanced around the room, but it appeared that he had tried to snog every boy there. Well, almost every boy.

He shrugged and threw himself down on the sofa. 'I guess I'll do my Charms homework then.'

'Hmph. It's about bloody time,' James muttered, fingering a pawn.

In the Shower

A few weeks later, James, Peter, Sirius, and I were showering after an afternoon spent wading in the algae-riddled lake. As always, I tried to keep my eyes on the tile wall in front of me.

'Remus?' James said. 'Remus, I asked you a question!'

'Hmmm?' I queried, still looking at the tiles.

'I asked you if you'd done your Transfiguration homework yet,' James said.

'Oh, um, yeah,' I muttered, picking up the bar of soap.

'Maybe you could help me with the incantation later? I can't seem to get the spell to work.'

'Sure,' I said, rubbing the soap over my chest.

'Moony?' said Sirius. I had been given this nickname by my mates soon after they had found out I was a werewolf.

'Hmmm?' I said again, but he did not continue. 'What?'

I suddenly felt two hands on my wet shoulders and found myself turned sideways. In front of my eyes was Sirius's bare, shiny chest. I gulped and tried looking up to his face, but I felt my cheeks get hot. I tried looking down but quickly realised what a huge mistake that was. I floundered for a moment and finally settled on a point over his left shoulder.

But Sirius was having none of that. He lifted my chin up to look me in the eyes. I squirmed and blushed under his attention and felt...Oh no, not that. Please, not that.

'You can't do it, can you? You can't look at us while we're in here,' Sirius commented, clearly amused.

'Please,' I finally managed to sputter. 'Just let me finish my shower.'

He looked me in the eyes for a while, turning the options over in his mind. Finally, he shrugged. 'Whatever you say.' He took his hand away and walked back to his previous position under the hot water.

'Leave him be,' I heard Peter say. 'You know how he is.'

How I am? What the hell? I whirled around to face my friends, my senses suddenly assailed by the sight of three completely naked boys. 'And just what does that mean?' I demanded.

Peter looked frightened for a moment. 'Nothing! I just mean...you're...you know, you keep to yourself.'

'Oh,' I said. 'Oh.' I turned back to my shower.

'What did you think he meant?' James asked. I heard a metallic squeak as he turned off the water to his shower.

'I don't know!' I exclaimed, filled with inexplicable anger. 'The way he said it, it made it sound like...like it was something bad.'

'I'd never say anything bad about you, Remus,' Peter said. He sounded hurt.

'Fuck this,' I muttered. I turned off the water even though I had not yet rinsed off all the soap. I grabbed my fluffy white towel, wrapped it around my waist, and stalked out of the showers, not looking at any of them.

Sense and Snoggability

As I said, my friends were not horrified at the idea of a boy snogging another boy. That is not why I had not told them of my feelings.

Partly, I was still unsure of them myself. What if it was all a phase? What if I was misinterpreting normal feelings_teenage awkwardness or something? Perhaps I just thought I liked boys that way because I had been without friends for 3 years. Maybe I was too 'clingy.' I so desperately did not want to be gay. Oh, nobody does, I know. It is not a choice. But for me, it seemed a thousand times worse. I was already a werewolf. I did not need to be gay, too.

I knew my friends did not mind Sirius's exploits, but his behavior just seemed to be part of his rebellious and marauding ways. Anything to distinguish himself from his snobbish family, I suppose.

Every time I thought of coming out to my friends, I remembered Stephen Wallace. Stephen was a third-year Ravenclaw who was accidentally outed when Argus Filch caught him and an older boy making out in his utility cupboard. Any other teacher might have simply scolded him and let the matter drop, but not Filch. When Stephen passed him the next day in the corridor on his way to Divination, Filch called out, in his loudest voice, 'Stephen! You know, I thought Ravenclaws were supposed to be smart. I don't think snogging your boyfriend where anyone can find you is very clever.' He smirked.

The students at Hogwarts often spoke of tolerance (well, everyone except the Slytherins), but that all went quickly out the window when word got out that one of the students was gay. Stephen was teased and bullied mercilessly by everyone until he eventually had to leave school, and the worst part was that even James, Sirius, and Peter made some snide remarks about Stephen 'riding his broomstick the wrong way around.'

I was, and still am, always anxious to be liked. Maybe that is what 3 years without friends does to a person. So I was in no hurry to come out.

Never Been Kissed

I lay in bed that evening pretending to read. Meanwhile, the other boys had charmed their textbooks to move and were racing them across the dorm floor.

'Remus! Heads up!' James said. A transfiguration book jumped off the floor and hit me in the shoulder. In spite of myself and my teenage musings, I had to laugh. James walked over and picked up the book. 'You OK?' I nodded.

'Hey, maybe you could race your book?' he asked, gesturing to it.

'I'd really rather just read it.'

'Well then, I suggest you turn it right side up.' James winked.

'Oh,' I said, looking at it.

'Sickle for your thoughts?'

'I wasn't thinking anything in particular,' I said. 'Just letting my mind wander.'

'Suit yourself,' said James. He and Sirius wrestled with the books, trying to get them back into starting position for another race.

Peter was sitting on his bed, eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. He looked over at me and frowned. 'Remus, I wanted to apologise for what I said earlier,' he said, spitting jellybeans on the floor. 'I thought about it, and I realised how it could sound bad.'

'It's OK,' I replied. 'I blew up, and it wasn't any of you fellows' fault. I suppose I was just being moody. Or moony.' I grinned.

The books began to run across the floor again, but they quickly slowed to a crawl. The spells had worn off. 'Want to charm them again?' James asked, picking up his Charms book.

Sirius shrugged and sat down on his bed. 'Well, I got an owl from Regulus this afternoon. Perhaps I ought to read it.' He pulled a letter out of his trouser pocket. 'I enjoy coming up with replies that will really get under his skin.' He smiled.

'Peter, I think you owe me a game of chess?' James asked.

The blond boy frowned and put down his box of sweets. 'Oh yeah. But let's make it interesting. A bet, perhaps?'

'I like the sound of that,' James said. The two mates headed out the door, discussing what sort of horrible things they could make the other one do if he lost.

I returned to my book, and I heard Sirius settle in to read his letter, snickering. 'What a bloody wanker,' he said when he had finished, tearing the letter into pieces and throwing them on the floor.

I glanced up at him. 'What did he say?'

'The usual. I'm disgracing the family name by getting into trouble all the time, and mum threatens to disown me at least three times a day.' He smiled. 'Of course, she does it twelve times when she gets an owl about me from McGonagall.'

I blinked. 'That's awful. Would she really disown you?'

He shrugged. 'It's a popular trend among the pureblood families right now. The only reason I can think of that she hasn't done it yet is because she enjoys threatening me with it so much.' He picked up his quill and a piece of parchment. 'Now, what I can write to Regulus that will really get his knickers in a knot?'

'It's almost like you want to be disowned,' I commented. As annoying as my parents could be, I could not imagine purposefully driving them out of my life.

'I don't want their money. I don't want their insults and threats. I quite like the idea of not living under my mother's thumb anymore. And I'm bloody tired of getting Howlers from the family house-elf.' He stared at the piece of parchment on the bed in front of him and suddenly snapped his quill in two.

When I was in a mood like his, I wanted to be alone, so all I could think to do in that moment was to leave him in peace. I put my book down and got up off the bed.

'Where are you going?' he shot out.

'You seem upset. I thought you might like some time alone,' I said, gesturing towards the door.

'Sit back down,' he ordered. I sat down gingerly on the bed. He looked at me for a moment and then shrugged. 'I'm sorry. They just put me in a mood is all. Don't your parents drive you crazy sometimes?'

'Constantly,' I said, smiling. 'That's why I love being here so much. With you, with James, with Peter. With my shack.'

'That's why we're all here, mate, is to get away from our parents.' He laughed. 'I love the freedom here. I can be myself. I just wish there were a way to keep my family's owls from getting here.' I thought of the little collection of owls from my mother that I kept in my dresser drawer, owls that I cherished. 'You know, if my mother doesn't kick me out, I'll probably run away. I know the Potters would take me in,' Sirius said.

I frowned. 'You shouldn't run away from home, mate. Maybe there's a way to make it work out with your family?'

'Only if they all die.' He looked down at his hands and then back up at me. 'Moony, can we talk for a second?'

'I thought we were.'

'No, not about my family.'

I immediately felt uneasy, but I sat up and faced him across the divide between our beds. 'OK. What about?'

Sirius cleared his throat. 'Well, I wanted to apologise for what happened earlier in the showers. I shouldn't have done that. You were clearly uncomfortable, and I made it worse.'

I waved it away. 'Don't worry about it. You're right. I'm just being silly. I guess I've just been by myself for too long.' Yeah, that's a good excuse, isn't it?

'No, I was in the wrong,' Sirius said, shifting on his bed. 'You're a private person. I shouldn't try to make you into something you're not.' He was silent for a moment. 'We're very different, aren't we? Almost opposites, really.'

I shrugged. 'I suppose.' Opposites attract, though, I thought, and froze cold. No, that can't be right. Damnit.

Sirius was staring at me. He looked as if he were trying to read my mind. I realised I must look uneasy, and I definitely was. I wanted desperately to ask him something, but I could never, ever ask him that. Sirius continued to stare.

'What?' I finally asked.

'I don't know,' he said. 'I'm just trying to figure you out. I think there's a lot going on in that big, smart brain of yours.'

'No. Nothing much.'

'I'm not buying it.' Sirius lay down on his side on his bed, still watching me. 'But I think I know what it is, anyway.'

I remembered how he had guessed I was a werewolf. 'You seem to be good at that, Sirius. Guessing things about me.'

'You never tell me anything. I don't have a choice.'

I suddenly grew impatient. 'Maybe I don't tell you because I don't want you to know. Why do you need to guess? Why can't you let me keep anything to myself?'

Sirius sat up, annoyed. 'Get off your high horse for 5 minutes.'

'Me?' I sputtered. All my frustrations seemed to surface in one blinding moment. 'You strut around like you own the place. You think you have a right to know everything that's going on, even when it's none of your business! You disrespect my personal space and the personal space of every other boy in Gryffindor! You act like you're Merlin's gift to everyone, and you're not!'

'Well, at least I socialise with other people. I don't bury my nose in a damn book all the time, ignoring my friends!'

'No, you just snog them against their will. That's really touching.' I rolled my eyes.

'Against their will?' he exclaimed. 'Trust me, it's never been against anyone's will, Moony. I know who's snoggable around here and who's not.'

'Yeah. Me, apparently.' I slapped my hand over my mouth. Shit.

Sirius was quiet, staring at me. 'That's what this is about, then.' He chuckled.

I threw myself down on the bed and turned to face the wall. Until that moment, I had not realised how much it hurt that he had never tried to kiss me.

My mattress descended a couple of inches, and I realised that Sirius had sat down next to me. 'Remus?' he said softly.

'What?' I choked.

'I'm sorry. I didn't know.'

'There's nothing to know,' I said.

'Clearly there is,' he replied. 'Do you think I don't snog you because I don't like you? Is that it?'

I shrugged.

'Because if you do, you're wrong.'

I slowly rolled over to face him. His eyes were so sad. 'It's not that I want you to snog me,' I said.

'Don't you?' he asked, looking down at his hands.

I did not know how to answer. I could not bring myself to tell him the truth, but how could I lie to him so directly?

Sirius noticed my silence. 'Remus...I just didn't think you'd appreciate it. I mean, you have fun with us, you get plenty crazy. But for some reason, I didn't feel I could cross that line with you. There's a little invisible wall there. I didn't want to violate it. Although I admit I did earlier today.' He shrugged.

Am I really so delicate, so weak, so abnormal? Hmm, yes. But I was not going to admit it. 'I'm not made of glass,' I said.

'Aren't you?' he asked. He noticed my body tense in annoyance. 'No, please don't get mad. I just mean...you're...you're clearly dealing with some issues. You blew up at us today. You were sitting here with an upside-down book. I don't want to make it any worse for you. You seem...sensitive,' he said. 'In a good way. I like that about you,' he was quick to add.

'I guess,' I muttered, shrugging.

He looked at me. 'Do you want me to kiss you, Remus?'

I froze. 'You can't just ask.'

'I just did. So, do you?'

'I...I...'

'Well, I'm not sure I can, anyway,' said Sirius. 'Not because I don't fancy you or anything. I just...can't. I feel like snogging you would be different, like it would mean something. And I'm not sure that I want to deal with that.'

'"Mean something"?' I queried.

'I don't know,' he said. 'With them, I'm just having a lark.'

'Oh,' I said.

'But I want to. I've always wanted to.'

He wants to kiss me? He's always wanted to?

'Me too,' I finally admitted.

Sirius turned so that he was completely facing me. 'You don't have to answer this, Remus. But I'm going to ask, anyway. Punch me if you want. I won't stop you. But...are you gay?'

My whole body went ice-cold. And without even thinking about it, I lied. 'Of course not!' But my voice was shaky. I knew he did not believe me.

'OK,' he said, getting up off the bed and heading towards the door. 'Because it's OK if you are.' He opened the door and slipped out into the corridor.