Seamus is Seamus and You are Yourself

SEAMUS IS SEAMUS AND YOU ARE YOURSELF 11:

RON.

Right. When I'm all grown up I'm going to write the much-needed book, 'What the HELL is Wrong with Seamus Finnigan?' Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any answer to the question. The only thing that I've come up with is that Seamus... is, well, Seamus. That's all anyone can say, quite frankly.

Now, I'm not against couples showing their affection for each other in public. Little pecks, holding hands, you know the sort of thing. I think it's quite sweet, actually- in its proper place.

But now Seamus was showing his- erm, affection (real definition, his insatiable lust) for Harry in public. This was definitely NOT sweet. There were two very blatant reasons for this. They were, of course, a: Seamus was basically humping Harry's leg, and b: they weren't a couple. They didn't resemble a couple in any way, shape or form. Harry had definitely not given permission for said humping to take place!

And they were really starting to put me off my butterbeer!

When it all got too much, Harry just got up and legged it for the bathroom. Not that I blame him, actually. Anyway, as soon as he had disappeared, 'Mione turned to Seamus with narrowed eyes. Knowing my girlfriend pretty well (well, as much as you can know any girl- they're all still quite a big mystery to me, not to mention completely mental) I quietly leant back before she erupted. Seamus, who didn't know Hermione as well as me, just stared at her good-naturedly.

It was like all those old Westerns 'Mione had forced me to watch over the last summer holidays. Y'know, dead silence, tumbleweeds blowing in the wind. I was almost waiting for 'Mione to growl, "this town ain't big enough for the both of us." Luckily she didn't. I really don't think it would have had quite the same affect in an English accent.

Instead she said, "Seamus Finnigan! I've had it with you! You just leave Harry alone, or you'll really get what's coming to you..."

Alright, possibly not the greatest threat ever, but 'Mione was relatively new to the whole thing!

"Ah, he's fair game, Hermione!" said Seamus. He then nudged her elbow and joked, "I know you want to keep him for yourself during his teenage years, but there's more than enough to go round!"

I was seriously contemplating jumping up and shouting to the pub, "Run! RUN for your LIVES! Vacate the building! GO!!"

Before I could herd anyone to safety, 'Mione exploded. I cowered.

"Enough to go ROUND!" she shrieked. "ENOUGH to go ROUND?! Who do you think I am, Seamus Finnigan? And just who exactly do you think Harry is?! He's my friend. I'm trying to protect him! He's got enough trouble as it is without people like YOU harassing him!"

"Now, Hermione, I was only joking..."

"Everything's so hilarious to you, isn't it Seamus? Harry needs our support! He's going through a difficult time at the moment! He needs a FAMILY UNIT!"

She's read that phrase in a book somewhere. I'll stake my life on it.

"Ah now, 'Mione," said Seamus, looking rather confused. "So what if I want to sleep with Harry? It's not like he's never done it before!"

Both Hermione and I gaped at him. He didn't think that...

"Well, of course Harry hasn't done it before!" said 'Mione after a minute. "Everyone knows that! Why else do you think I'm so protective over him?!"

Now it was Seamus's turn to gape. "You're not about to tell me that Harry's a... a virgin?"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of!" said Hermione hotly.

Seamus seemed quite bewildered. "But... but just look at him!" he spluttered.

You could just about see Seamus's brain at work. Harry = absolutely the most gorgeous person ever. Harry also = a teenage boy.

"How is that even possible?" Seamus was completely mystified.

"It's very simple, Seamus!" answered Hermione, in textbook mode. "It's possible because Harry hasn't had sex with anyone, hence his virgin status..."

Seamus looked like he was thinking hard. "No wonder he didn't laugh at the last... fourteen of my jokes!" he burst out.

"Exactly," said Hermione, who appeared to be much more calm now. "Do you see now? Harry needs to be kept away from people who're only after one thing... people, well, like you, Seamus."

"Ah, that's not true," said Seamus, surprising both of us. "I do like Harry, y'know."

"You... do?" I said.

"Yeah," answered Seamus, looking quite uncomfortable. "Harry's a top bloke... anyone'd be lucky to have him... if I ever got together with him, well... I wouldn't be looking for anyone else."

"You'd... actually NEVER cheat on Harry?!" I squeaked. 'Mione looked equally stunned. Seamus Finnigan always had numerous partners on the go. He never let himself get tied down, or look for anything other than a bit of fun. This was why he had got rather a reputation for being a bit of a slut, and why 'Mione didn't particularly want him near Harry. But for Seamus to want to go out exclusively to Harry... that was unheard of!

What would happen next?! Malfoy proclaiming his undying love for him?

That's quite a good joke, actually!

"Oh," said Hermione, looking rather subdued and unsure of herself. "Well. That's a different matter then."

"Aye, I didn't know that Harry was a virgin," said Seamus earnestly.

Seamus being earnest?!

"And I won't be so flirty with him in future," he added seriously.

Seamus being... SERIOUS?!

And he was true to his word.

When Harry came back from the bathroom (looking really flushed, for some reason) Seamus didn't try anything on with him. Well, hardly, anyway. Seamus can't do away with all his flirtatiousness, of course.

He is Seamus, after all.

HARRY.

What does Malfoy want?!

I keep thinking his whole jealousy/denial thing is just a joke to make me look completely stupid. Then I remember that apparently everyone does want me, for some reason. So I can also sort of understand why Draco Malfoy might... want to kiss me.

But if that's true, then why doesn't he do it? The first time he denied it had happened at all, and this time he didn't even get that far. And then he said sorry. SORRY! Malfoy never ever says sorry, especially to me! And it even sounded as if he meant it!

The first time it happened I was just shocked and confused. But this time... did you see what he was wearing? It was... well, it was really, really... um, sexy, to put it mildly. And the hat sort of gave him a dangerous feel and... well. YOU know. The problem of my suddenly-changing attitude to Malfoy was annoying me to such an extent that I didn't even notice that Seamus had stopped trying to grope me on the way home from the pub.

I suppose I've always sort of known in the back of my mind what Malfoy looked like, but you know that I don't really take much notice of these things. But by being in the same year and house as Lavender and Parvati, you do hear things. I know everyone wants to shag Malfoy as well, apparently.

Now I can sort of see why. Alright. I can really see why.

But I'm still confused about his viewpoint on all this. Which is why I'm now seeking advice from 'Mione.

"Herm," I said, "how do you know if someone likes you? Because there's this... person, and this person keeps acting as if he might like me, but I'm not sure, and well..."

Hermione's immediately interested. She even puts down her book!

"I take it we're not talking about Seamus," she says eagerly. "What has this person done, then?"

"Well... most of the time, he just fights with me..."

"Aha," said Hermione wisely. "The love impulse in man frequently reveals itself in terms of conflict, you know."

"Eh?"

"He likes fighting with you because it turns him on, Harry."

"Hermione!" I'm shocked. The words just seem... wrong coming from her.

"Well, it's true. It's all in my psychoanalysis book."

"Um. Okay. But that's not all... you know when I was under that love potion? Well, he... erm, kissed me and then pretended it never happened..."

'Mione's very excited now. "Oh! Well, it sounds like he didn't want to take advantage of you. How SWEET!"

Malfoy? NOT take advantage of a situation? I didn't even think that was possible...

"But 'Mione... this person definitely WOULD take advantage! And then he started arguing with me again about going out with Seamus!"

'Mione clapped her hands in a most un-Hermione-like manner.

"Harry! He was jealous! He was worried! He likes you! He genuinely likes you!"

"He... does?" I said, flabbergasted. I mean, I know I accused Malfoy of being jealous in the toilets, but I was only trying to piss him off! I didn't really believe it!

"Of course! Ooh, who is it? Is it someone in our year? Our house? Who is it, Harry?"

Who had replaced Hermione with... well, a girl? Alright, I do realise that Herm has always been a girl, but now... well, you get the picture. I managed not to let on who I was talking about. If she ever found out it was Malfoy... well, let's not even think about that, shall we?

Anyway, we ended our conversation with her advising me to ask him out.

"What's the worst that can happen?" she asked. "You've kept telling me that you've been holding out for someone who actually likes you inside, and now it seems as if you've found him. Love's the only game you lose by refusing to take part, Harry."

Ah, the wise old words of Guru Hermione.

So. I'll just ask him. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Apart from him turning me over to Voldemort and me dying a horrible, painful death. But that's not too likely.

Is it?

DRACO.

About a week after the Almost-Kissing-In-The-Grimy-Toilet episode, Harry came up to me after Potions class. He looked really unsure of himself and rather embarrassed.

He's so sweet!

"Malfoy," he said, "um... could I speak to you alone?"

I tried to sneer at him, but it just wasn't working. That was another bloody side effect of having warm, fuzzy feelings for Harry Potter. My patented Malfoy sneer, handed down from generation to generation of the Malfoy clan, just would NOT appear whenever I was actually talking to Harry.

It was almost as if... I wanted to smile genuinely at him.

Then I spotted Weasley over Harry's shoulder. Perfect. I concentrated on him (not that anyone would care to- but it was an emergency) and soon enough I felt the familiar pattern of muscles sliding into place.

"Really Potter, is that necessary?" I drawled. "I spend enough time with you than I care to already, thanks."

And the Winner for the Award of Biggest Lie of the Century goes to...

Harry's looking downcast. I valiantly fought the urge to say sorry to him. What has he done to me? Wanting to say sorry, thinking another human being was sweet, developing morals, bloody songs in my head!

Speaking of which... oh bugger.

Bloody damn 'Ain't No Sunshine' straight to hell! For fuck's SAKE!

I've begun the tapping. I concentrate on keeping it discrete as possible.

Harry looks like he's debating with himself. He almost turns away, and then stares at me again. Granger and Weasley are both looking at him in an extremely confused manner, as Crabbe and Goyle are looking at me. Well, as confused an expression as they can with only two facial expressions between them.

Harry's staring me straight in the eye. I can't take too much of it.

"Fine," I hiss, gripping his arm and pulling him down the corridor. I turn right and left, through a tapestry-covered door so that nobody will follow us, and into an empty classroom. I stand opposite him, resisting the urge to smile genuinely at him again.

Harry's looking increasingly nervous. After staring at me in silence for a few seconds, he begins to say something very fast.

"Here's the thing, Malfoy," he says. "I was talking to Hermione about what's been going on these past couple of weeks- not mentioning any names of course- and she seems to think that... well... thatyougenuinelylikemeandwerejealousofSeamusandthatyoumightwantto... you know. So, um... well?"

He's blushing even harder now. Bless him!

After staring at him admiringly for a few seconds, the actual meaning of Harry's words creep in through my song-riddled brain, and I do a double- take.

"Are you... asking me OUT, Potter?" I say, hardly daring to believe it.

He answers with an, "erk?" and stares at the floor. He's so cute. Well, he is!

"Are you?" I ask again.

"Well," he says quietly, "that depends on you. If you actually like me, or not."

His words are far from clear, but I understand. I know what he's saying. He wants someone to care for him, and not just see him as a piece of meat. It's what I've been saying all along.

But am I the one to give it to him? Harry needs affection not only emotionally, but physically as well. He needs comfort. And I'm a Slytherin.

Not to mention the fact that if my father ever found out, he'd put even MORE effort into trying to find ways to kill him than he already does. And what if I have to join the Dark Lord, and we have to fight each other, and...

"Harry," I falter. "You don't want me. I'm- I'm a Slytherin, and my father... and You-Know-Who... you can't be hurt. You're needed."

I mean this in two ways, of course. It's not only the Wizarding World who needs him, but... I do t-...

Gargh. I'm not saying that. I'm not THAT soppy, alright?!

Harry stares at me for a bit, before his face bursts into a huge, bright grin. I can't help but return it with a genuine smile, (my face isn't used to working that way, and it hurts) and I almost sigh. He's so PRETTY!

"You DO like me!" he says, almost as if he doesn't believe it, as if it was almost worth something. He comes closer.

"I'm not expecting anything," he says earnestly. "I'm not expecting you to love me, or anything like that... just, not dislike me. Will you... would you kiss me again, please?"

Well, who am I to argue? Well, alright, I usually AM one to argue, but with Harry...

Nah. Not when he's come up with such a good idea!

There's a slight problem with his conditions, however. You know, about not expecting me to love him.

Not that I'm admitting to anything, you realise...

And I'm a bit busy at the moment!

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