To All It May Concern

--------------------11-10-02--------------------

To All It May Concern:

I know I failed you. I know I was supposed to grow up and be 'responsible, respectable, and reputable,' as my parents said. It wasn't ever supposed to end like this. I made mistakes; I admit it. And I know I don't deserve life. Even the life I have now.

It all started with Tom. When does it not start with Tom? But, I guess I should tell you the story first.

When I was eleven years old, I was being controlled by Tom Riddle through his diary. I didn't realise it at first. It seemed like life was good. No, not good, wonderful. Life seemed perfect.

Tom treated me as a goddess, one to be revered and worshiped. He did. He kissed me and loved me and held me in his arms until I fell asleep at night. Tom would come out of the diary, just for me. He made me feel like I was special and extraordinary. I never realised that I was all of those things even without him.

But then things started going downhill. He became possessive. He would hurt me and hurt me and then leave me alone. I told him to stop. But he wouldn't. I pleaded and cried and he still wouldn't stop abusing me. I told him that I hated him and didn't want him anymore. It was a lie, though. We both knew that it wasn't true when I said it.

Soon I noticed that I would wake up in the strangest places with strange things all around me. I awoke in a chicken coop with dead birds piled around me and bloody feathers on my robes. Then there was the time when I woke up with silvery paint on me and a note written on the wall. I don't remember if there were more. There probably were.

I threw the diary away. I tossed it in a bathroom; I tried to flush it down the toilet. It didn't work. The next day I saw Harry Potter, my crush, walking with Tom's diary. My diary. I knew I had to get it back from him. What if Tom told him all about the secrets I had kept? Those pills, and that night. No, no, Harry didn't need to know about those. So I had to steal it back. Don't blame me; I had no choice but to get what was rightfully mine.

I snuck into his dorm when everyone was away. I tore everything and searched the pockets of his robes. I rummaged through his trunk, throwing things left and right. I ripped through his books carelessly, tossing everything on the floor and on his bed. I finally found Tom's diary. It was in the drawer of his bedside table. I can't believe I didn't look there first.

So I hid the diary in my bedroom under my mattress. The other first year girls thought I was obsessive compulsive, or something. They kept pretty much away from me. I was glad.

People were in a panic. There had been attacks on muggleborns. I was afraid, too, because one of my brother's friends, Hermione, was a muggleborn. We all thought that it was Draco Malfoy, a Slytherin, who was attacking people. I even believed it, because I didn't want to face the truth.

And then Hermione was attacked, along with this other girl, Penelope Clearwater. Percy's girlfriend. It was terrible. I finally decided to face the truth. I had done that to them. I was responsible.

Tom laughed at me. He kidnapped me and took me down into the Chamber of Secrets. He spoke to me in a soft voice. He told me he was sorry he had to kill me. He said he loved me very much and if I would just understand that he had to kill me, then we would all be better served. Tom kissed me and held me and talked to me. He sighed and explained all about his past, his present, and his future. I didn't realise who he really was, then. But I do now.

I tried then to think of one of my favourite poems by an author named Mercer-Anne. It was about liking life and enjoying it all. I suppose I shall jot it down quickly.

I do not know of what others think,

If they do think at all,

But I see them everyday,

Walking by so tall.

They think themselves so happy,

And yet it is not so.

They know the truth,

Those people do,

They know it is a lie,

And still they try to realise what a life is before they die.

Yet children find life refreshing,

And I most certainly agree,

For were it not for sunlight,

We would be unable to see.

See the things around us,

And do not yearn for answers.

See the things around us,

And what they mean to me.

I find myself truly happy,

And so my life shall be.

And Tom even recited it to me as I lie there, helplessly falling into unconsciousness. I still hear his voice ringing through my mind: "Yet children find life refreshing..." I thought they were my death sentence. They should have been.

But I was not to be so lucky. I had to be rescued by Harry. He charged down there and fought the basilisk. He killed it, and rescued me. He killed the diary.

I don't know why they didn't throw me in Azkaban for that. I almost wish they had. It would have been better than this. I'm sure of it.

I lusted for Tom after that. I was yearning for him constantly. Had I not had the constant threat of failing classes, then I certainly would have committed suicide long before now. So I lived moderately well.

Harry dated me. Can you believe that? I can't. But it's true. He asked me out on a date. We went to Hogsmeade. Harry took me shopping and we had dinner at a nice restaurant. On our way back to school, I suddenly realised I liked him a lot. But I wanted Tom, too. When we got to the castle, Harry kissed me and took me inside. He was really respectable and responsible; otherwise, Ron would have killed him. He nearly did anyway because Harry had told Ron that he was attracted to me. I found it delightfully funny to watch Ron's stricken face as he collapsed onto the couch.

In fact, we went on many dates and had wonderful times. Harry promised me that after we got out of Hogwarts, we would get married. And I wanted that. I wanted him.

But then, I saw Draco Malfoy carrying Tom's diary around. I pounced on him one day in the hall and asked him about it. He said that he had been meaning to return it to me and that I could have it back. On one condition. I was to tell no one that I had it. And I agreed to that.

Yet again, I was fooled. Tom caused me to kill someone. He made me kill one of my best friends. He made me murder Hermione.

Ron was devastated. He had been deeply in love with Hermione, and she had returned his feelings. I hated to let them down like that. So I was in trouble again.

They put me in a juvenile detention centre. Harry hardly visited me, because he was distraught over both of his friends: Hermione, who was dead, and Ron, who was currently being an all-around mope. He hardly ever left his dorm, Harry told me. And finally, they just moved him back to the Burrow. He could not do any work. Ron had to stay in bed.

Ron nearly died. He tried to commit suicide with a large butcher knife. I envied him because he had the freedom to choose his own fate. But he decided not to kill himself at the last minute. Oh how I would have taken that knife for him. I had wished I had a knife as he had.

I was let out of the centre after six months. It was almost like being reborn.

Harry and I were together again. But it did not last. He found someone else. A Ravenclaw named Cho Chang. What a preppy cheerleader. I hated her and I still do. I didn't go to their wedding.

Then Draco Malfoy came along. He wanted to see how I was. How I was 'holding up.' I was curious at why he would ever want to do something like that, so it was even more of a surprise when he asked me on a date. I accepted, naturally.

Oh, gods, he was the best I had ever had in bed. That was on the third date though. He was so nice to me. He was even better than Tom. He wasn't possessive; he was just forceful. Draco was a good person to cuddle with. He could be tender, occasionally. And he was strong. I didn't need Tom when I had Draco.

And then his father died. Actually, Lucius was killed by a group of Light wizards. I tried to console Draco, but to no avail. He didn't want to live. I shared his pain.

And now I write this to you. I shall leave this note somewhere. Probably in the highest tower in the Manor. I'm standing in Draco's bedroom right now, borrowing his inkwell and parchment. I hate to do this to him so soon after his father's death, but I can't do anything about it. It's my time.

Draco, I love you. I love you as the flower loves the brilliant sun. I love you as the ocean loves the sky. Please don't mourn my death. I was never really alive anyway. You made me alive. And now you're so distant, it's like you aren't here. So if you can't be my sun, then I shall be a flower in winter. Goodbye, my love.

Harry, I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've done. I never meant to hurt you. Please don't blame Draco. It's not his fault. It's been coming for so long now. I never meant to make you cry.

Ron, I'm sorry for what I did to Hermione. Maybe you'll understand it better now. Please be nice to Draco. He didn't cause this. I think this has been the best life I could ever hope for. You make me happy. I'm glad that I ever met you.

To Fred and George: take some money out of my bank account and use it for your shop. You won't fall under with the considerable sum that's in there. Draco gave me some of it. Just give half of it to him. I love you. Don't stop laughing because of me.

Percy, please try to understand. I never meant to hurt Penelope. I want you to know that I love you and you're a really great older brother. Tell Penny and your beautiful daughter goodbye for me, please.

Bill, be careful. Exert a little caution every once in a while. And pass my message on to Fred and George. I forgot to tell them. You're an awesome brother. Have fun.

Charlie, I want you to know how much I'll miss you. I can't begin to explain all the things I'm feeling. I hope you don't ever have to go through this. Send everyone my love.

Mum and Dad, I apologise for being such a screw-up. Don't blame anyone for me. It's not your fault, or Draco's or Harry's. It's my fault. I'm the one to blame for all of this.

To anyone else, please remember me in kind. I loved this world for the mere twenty years I lived in it.

Goodbye,

---------------------Ginny Weasley---------------------