Sorrow and Solace

"What the bloody hell...Potter?" Draco bent down to stare at the confused boy and smirked. "I must say, Potter, you are lucky I was restless tonight. If I hadn't been out flying your sorry face would have been bashed in. This puts you in my debt, doesn't it, Potter? I just saved your bloody life!" He stood upright again, hands on hips, expecting the Golden Boy to start bawling his thanks and gratitude. Typical for the clumsy arse to fall from the Astronomy Tower!

Potter sat up and hugged his knees. "You shouldn't have," he whispered.

"I know I shouldn't have. I didn't realize it was you until after I landed my broom. If I'd known I might have let you fall," Draco shot back.

"I wish you had."

Draco began to feel uneasy. This was not the reaction he had expected. He realized that Potter was shaking. Draco bent down again and looked closely at Potter's face. His eyes were not their usual bright and flashing green; the fire behind them was gone, and a deep sea of despair and taken its place.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Potter?" he snapped, taken aback by the anguish he saw in the other boy's eyes.

"I want to die," he replied simply.

Draco started. "Why?"

"I can't take this. Everyone I care about dies. Murdered. First my parents, then Sirius, who next? I can't just watch my friends die. If I'm dead, they will be safe. No one is safe while I'm alive. So I jumped. You couldn't just let me die, could you Malfoy?" Potter's voice rose with anger. "No, you had to harass me and torment me, just like always. I can't do anything without you dogging my steps. Why didn't you let me die?" A few tears squeezed out of his eyes and the Gryffindor clenched his fists, clearly trying to control himself.

Draco was stunned. The past few years Potter had seemed so confident, so self-assured. But now, just months into sixth year, that was all gone. Something had broken in him, and Potter seemed defenceless.

"I'm doomed." Potter spoke slowly, his voice cracking slightly. "I'm going to die. My only choice is whether to die by my hand or by Voldemort's." He raised his head to look at Draco, his eyes narrowed into a hateful glare and his voice was strained as he asked, "Why didn't you let me make that choice?"

Ah, now Potter was angry. This was familiar territory for Draco. He quickly shifted into a verbal attack.

"What, you think you're so powerful that only Voldemort could kill you? That's just rich. I knew you had a big head, but I never imagined you could be this pretentious. Dreaming of immortality. But who am I to stand in the way of the great Harry Potter?" Draco made an elaborate and mocking bow in Potter's direction. "Besides, I thought you wanted to save the world and end injustice and all that noble bilge. Don't you want to defeat him and play the hero again?"

"I can't. I'm no match for him." Potter hung his head and lowered his eyes. "I've been very lucky...My luck will run out eventually."

"Luck?" Draco's lips curled into a sneer. "There is no such thing as luck in the wizarding world! Things happen for a reason. You're supposed to be so noble and good, such a perfect little Gryffindor. Jumping off a tower is hardly noble. In fact, Potter, I'd say it's downright selfish of you!"

"I did this to save the people I care about! It's the right thing to do!" Potter shot back, still not looking at Draco. He awkwardly stood up and started walking away. Draco called after him, "Hey, wait, where are you going?"

Potter turned slowly. His face was pale and his eyes were desolate.

"I'm going to the lake. I'll drown myself."

"Potter!" Draco ran to the other boy and spun him around so that they were face to face. "Listen to me, you stupid fool, don't kill yourself! You can't!"

Potter was shocked into silence for a moment. He gave his head a small shake, quickly wrenched out of Draco's grip and gave him a calculating look.

"I never thought I'd see the day when a Malfoy was concerned about me," said Potter with no small amount of sarcasm in his voice.

"Don't flatter yourself," Draco replied brusquely. "I'm not concerned about you; I'm trying to stop you from disgracing wizard-kind! Wizards never end their own lives. It's a waste of magical essence. It's one of the things that separates us from Muggles."

"You just can't stop being such a god-awful prat, can you, Malfoy?" Potter seethed. "Everything is always about your damn pride and your damn pure blood. Considering how many threats you've made on my life, I'd think you of all people would be thrilled that I decided to spare you the trouble and do the dirty deed myself. Or did you want the prestige of having my death on your head? Yes, that would do wonders for your pride, now wouldn't it?"

Draco opened his mouth for a cutting reply, but stopped for a moment before he spoke. He had threatened Potter a few times, but he had never intended to personally carry out the threats. It had always seemed like part of the elaborate games he and Potter had engaged in over the years. It always started with the standard exchange of insults - 'Scarhead' and 'Ferret-face' were the most popular ones - sometimes followed by physical fighting before a teacher came to break them up, then culminating in the threat of revenge: "you'll pay for that," or "next time you won't get off so easy." It was a little juvenile in Draco's opinion, but he always followed the same rules.

"Did you honestly think I wanted to kill you?"

"It certainly sounded like you did."

"Potter, I may hate your righteous guts, but I'm not about to spill them myself."

"What about all that anti-Muggle trash? You don't seem to mind the idea of killing them. Could you truly point your wand at another human being and say the Killing Curse with no guilt? Or does the fact that they don't have magical power give you the right to choose whether they live or die?" Potter gave him a look of such deep disgust that Draco nearly recoiled. "Is that how your sick mind works, Malfoy? You call me selfish, but you are just inhuman. At least I'm not out to kill anyone."

"Except yourself," was the only retort Draco could muster. He was surprised by Potter's forcefulness.

Potter glared at him. His eyes were blazing, and had thankfully lost their dead, glazed look. Then he turned sharply and walked towards the castle. Draco rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Now where are you going?"

"Maybe I'll try the North Tower instead..."

"No! Just go back to your room and go to sleep. Please don't try to commit suicide again!"

The Gryffindor stopped in surprise and turned to Draco, his eyes wide in shock. "What was that word Malfoy?" he taunted. "Good God, did you just say 'please'?"

"Cut it out! I'm serious!"

"You honestly don't want me to kill myself?" Potter asked incredulously.

"No. No, I don't."

"And you personally wouldn't kill me?"

"Only in self-defence."

Potter raised an eyebrow in thought for a moment. Finally he gave Draco a smirk.

"You know what Malfoy? I won't. I won't kill myself...yet. I'm going to wait and figure out the real reason why the hell you want me to live. Now if you don't mind, I'm going inside before I freeze to death." He turned and walked quickly back to the castle, leaving Draco Malfoy alone with his jumbled thoughts.

I can't believe what just happened here. He wanted to kill himself? That's absolutely the most un-Gryffindor-like thing I've ever heard of!

But he was so sad. I've never seen him look so utterly defeated.

Potter had disappeared into the castle by this time, and Draco walked back to his broom and mounted, then pushed off. He flew higher and higher, to try to clear his head.

I was so angry with him at the start of the year. After all, he put my father and his friends in Azkaban. Not that they were there very long before the Dark Lord set them free, but still! It was Potter's fault. The Gryffindor Golden Boy saving the wizarding world from evil yet again. I can't believe he tried to commit suicide, the stupid boy should have known that wizards never kill themselves. What on earth is so terrible about his life that he could possibly want to end it?

Mulling over these questions in his head, Draco realized that he had always been confused, and not only about Harry Potter. He was confused about his father, about the Dark Lord, and about their cause. Why did the Dark Lord need to get rid of Potter? Why had his father become a Death Eater? What made his father willingly kill so many people? After all, it wasn't just Mudbloods who Lucius Malfoy attacked; even purebloods were susceptible to his curses. The whole system confused Draco, and he was supposed to know exactly where his owed allegiance. As Lucius Malfoy's son, Draco was assumed by all of the Dark Lord's supporters to be as devoted to the Lord's cause as they were. Many wondered why Draco had not yet been given the Dark Mark. Draco had privately questioned many of the things the Dark Lord had done, but obviously never voiced his opinions. He was confused, but he wasn't a fool. Seeing the other boy this evening had made Draco even more muddled. Harry Potter was supposed to be perfect. Everything went his way, everyone loved him; what was so terrible in his life that would possibly drive that most righteous of Gryffindors to suicide? Something just didn't fit. Draco recalled the look in Potter's eyes; he had seen a similar emptiness and pain on the victims of the Cruciatus curse.

Draco shuddered involuntarily and guided his broom towards the Astronomy Tower.

And what about his friends? I wonder if Weasley and Granger know their hero is suicidal. I thought they would know everything about him. They would have stopped him if they thought he was really out to kill himself. This is so strange, I almost feel...sorry for Potter. He looked so miserable, as though nothing mattered to him any more. Ugh, I can't believe I'm sympathizing with that prat! After all, he is supposed to be my enemy.

But the truth was that Draco didn't really know who his enemies were. He knew who they should be, and Harry Potter was at the top of that list. Recently, though, Draco had become more skeptical of the Dark Lord and his cause. He knew he should be more involved and interested - after all, it was his father's life's work - but the truth was that Draco was frightened of the Dark Lord. Anyone who wanted power so desperately was a little addled in the head. Draco liked to be in control and get his way, but not so badly that he would use the Killing Curse without a second thought. Pain, maybe, but death? Death was a foreign realm to Draco. It was not something one wanted to be in much contact with. He might be puzzled about many things, but he was absolutely certain that he did not want to kill people. Life was something you only got one shot at; no one deserved to have their chance taken away, no matter how much he despised them. Besides, if everyone he disliked was dead, life would be very boring. Draco landed his broom gracefully on the Astronomy Tower and dismounted.

Well, enemy or not, something is definitely wrong with Harry Potter. And I'm going to find out what it is...