Sorrow and Solace

Chapter 1

"Oi, Harry! How about some wizard's chess?" Ron turned his head towards the chair by the fireplace. "Harry? You awake?" Ron stood up and walked over to the chair. He knelt down and looked up at the chair's occupant. "Harry?"

Harry Potter sat motionless, his eyes glazed over, staring blankly at nothing. Ron gently shook Harry's shoulder. "Harry? Snap out of it, mate!" With a little shake, Harry's eyes refocused and turned towards his friend.

"You ok, Harry?" asked Ron nervously.

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Can I help you at all?"

"No."

And with that, Harry stood and walked out of the common room.

"Ron!" Hermione ran over to her friend. "Go after him!"

"He's been like this all year, Herm. He just needs to sort things out. Give him time alone, don't go following him. Come on, let's play chess."

Harry walked slowly up to the Astronomy Tower. He often came up to the Tower to be away from his peers. He didn't enjoy their company anymore. The events of his fifth year were still weighing heavily on his mind and his heart.

Why does it have to be this way? he thought. Why do people die? Why do people kill each other? Why? It shouldn't be this way...

Harry stepped out into the night. It was early December; there was no snow, but the air was as cold as death. The wind stung at his cheeks and whipped through his robes, and Harry realized that he had no cloak. He shivered and walked to the edge of the tower and looked down.

The ground looks so soft from up here. I wonder what it would be like...to fall. Just like Sirius...To fall, and fall, and when I hit the ground, it'll all be over. Then I could see him again, and my parents. Then I would be..."Free."

This train of thought was a track Harry had been down many times. The first was over the summer, shortly after Sirius passed through the veil in the Department of Mysteries. He had been in his room on Privet Drive, curled up on the bed, grief permeating his mind with a poison of self-loathing. It was all my fault. If I had been more careful, Sirius would still be alive today...

Then Hedwig had arrived at his window and broke through his misery. Harry had hoped that the pain would ease when he returned to Hogwarts and had his friends nearby to help him cope.

But the pain did not subside. Ron, Hermione, Neville, and Ginny were all reluctant to mention what had happened, and Harry felt guilt towards them as well; he had endangered their lives as well as his own, and every time he saw them, he remembered how close he had been to losing them all. They all had noticed the changes in Harry and had dealt differently with his new character. Ron had distanced himself, often leaving Harry alone when he seemed upset. At first, Hermione had tried to get him to talk about his feelings, but Harry couldn't bring himself to tell her that he felt like a murderer. Neville seemed afraid of Harry now, and Ginny didn't talk to him much.

Lupin was the worst: he had been reinstated as the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor and Harry knew that Sirius' death had greatly affected the lonely werewolf. He spoke to Harry in a quiet voice and almost never looked him in the eye. Harry was certain that Remus blamed him, despite all of his insistence to the contrary.

The combined reactions of those people who were closest to him exacerbated Harry's loneliness and pain and drove him nearer to the edge. He withdrew farther into himself and each time he had more difficulty returning to reality. He began to wish that he could disappear from reality entirely.

Now, at the Astronomy Tower, he was going to make that wish come true. Harry pulled himself onto the parapet and stood up. He had done this several times since term began: standing on the ledge, fighting with himself. Each time he had come closer and closer to teetering over the edge, but each time he pulled back, unwilling to give in yet. A sudden gust of wind made him totter precariously. I just have to lean forward. Simple Muggle physics, it's not hard. He looked down again. Just jump, Harry. Just jump. It's better if I'm gone. It will be better for all of them. I kill everyone I love. My parents died because of some prophecy about me; Sirius died because of my foolishness; I nearly sacrificed my friends at the same time. I won't kill anyone anymore...except for me.

He lifted his arms and bent his knees. Time slowed in his mind as he leapt off the parapet. His body arced into a dive and he hurtled towards the ground.

I'm coming...Wait for me....He heard a wordless cry of terror, or was it just the wind rushing past his ears. Almost there...

And then....

He was flying. Not in a swan dive towards the ground, but back up. Harry was confused. The ground had been so close, why hadn't he hit? Then the ground slowly rose towards his face, and Harry tumbled to the grass.

He rolled to a stop and shook his head. What just happened? I'm not dead... He heard running footsteps. A pair of feet stopped in front of him. Harry looked up to see the face that went with those feet and stared into the startled eyes of Draco Malfoy.