A Letter

Dear Harry,

After all these years that you have moved away from us, you must be wondering why all of a sudden I, Petunia Dursley would suddenly write my 'hated' nephew a letter. The truth is Harry, I'm dying.

You might have heard about a sickness called Leukaemia which there are no known cure both in the wizarding world and the muggle world. For the past two years I have been fighting it, but it seems that in my old age my body has decided it had had enough. It's shutting down, slowly and rather painfully. But I guess I should have expected pain as that is all I have given you throughout your life.

This is my letter of apology, explanations, whatever you want to call it. I sincerely hope that you will take the time to read all of it before tearing it up in disbelieve or anger.

You might have noticed that I used the term 'muggle' earlier in the letter. Yes, I do know what it means. I knew it years before Hagrid said it that fateful night many years ago. I knew it many years before you were born. And yes, I do know who Hagrid is.

Maybe I should start at the very beginning.

As you know I am only a year older than Lily, and when I turned eleven I received a letter from Hogwarts. Yes, Harry. I was a witch.

Those were happy days, I was so thrilled and Lily was so excited. A year later she received a letter as well and we celebrated like anything. We stayed up well past midnight in the room we shared and giggled quietly at the thought of wrecking havoc together in school. We planned our lives that night.

We arrived and she went with the other first years, to this day I can still see her big eyes looking at me, seeking reassurance from across the room. I watched from the Slytherin table with anticipation, my housemates were sneering at me as usual because I am a muggle-born witch. I tried to ignore them as I waited for my sister to be called. To my great disappointment she became a Gryffindor. In my mind I knew it was for the best, because she was too gentle and she would not have lasted five minutes in Slytherin with all their prejudiced comments and trickery.

The year began nicely but we soon found we cannot find enough time to remain the best friends that we were before school started. It also hurt me immensely when James and co. would play pranks on me, of course now I know that no harm was intended and they just didn't know what to say or do around an elder Slytherin who constantly asked for her sister. In those days though it was a different matter, I hated them. I plotted and pranked just as much as they did. I had so much hatred back then. I don't know how I existed within my own cocoon of anger.

As you probably know, in the long history of Hogwarts only three students had been expelled. Well, I was one of them. I will not go into detail on how and why I was expelled. I will only say that it involved a prank that went out of control involving a lot of Gryffindors and Slytherins. It was a year before Dumbledore took over and Headmaster Dippet was less tolerant of things. To cut the story short, I was expelled.

Somewhere between the time I was expelled and the summer holidays when Lily returned, I began to hate her. I blamed her for being in Gryffindor and not in Slytherin like me. I blamed her for being friends with the Marauders. I blamed her for staying at Hogwarts while I was on the train home. I blamed her for everything. Even those things that I knew no one else were responsible for but me.

She came home expecting my smiles and received sneers. I knew she was hurt by what I did yet I enjoyed it, all the time thinking that she deserved it.

Years went by and I met Vernon. I told him about Lily, exaggerating facts and telling him lies about what used to be my world. I 'forgot' to tell him that I was a former member of the wizarding world. Before I realised that I needed to make amends, Lily decided to marry James. I hated her even more so for that, because I liked James a bit (You are the only person who knows of this 'crush' Harry, and I hope you will keep it a secret.). So when Vernon proposed I eagerly said yes

I had the date set a few weeks before Lily's wedding. I planned that on purpose of course. Demanding large amounts of money to be put into my wedding, knowing my parents had a limited fund set aside for our weddings. Lily meekly let me use a lot of her share as well. I was too blind to see she was trying to once more be a friend and a sister to me. I ignored her gesture and took the money eagerly. I had a big, extravagant wedding with the most expensive dress. It looked ridiculous on me, I didn't have the figure for it for one thing, and Vernon and I weren't exactly 'picture perfect'.

After we came back from our honeymoon we went to Lily's wedding. It was simple and beautiful. Oh Harry, she looked like an angel in her dress, radiantly shinning, looking at James with such love, and James. Dear James, his hair as messy as always but he managed to look stunning. They were 'picture perfect'. It was the wedding I wanted. Once more I was jealous of her.

Two years went by peacefully as I lived unaware of He Who Must Not Be Named's threat. Your cousin was born and Vernon named him Dudley, I wanted to name him after a star in the sky much like you Godfather's name but Vernon would not hear of it.

You would not believe what went through my mind when you showed up. I was angry. At you. At Lily. At James. At every wizard and witch I saw passing on the street, celebrating gleefully while my sister was being buried with her husband and her son was lying in my arms.

I was angry at Lily because she died without saying goodbye, I never had a chance to beg her forgiveness, I never kissed her or hugged her since that day I was expelled and I was so hurt. It was because of my own stupidity we drifted apart but I couldn't face it. I was so angry at James for not protecting her like he promised in their wedding. But most of all Harry, I hated you. I hated you for living. I hated you for surviving a curse that my sister didn't.

You would have though that I would learn from my mistake, wouldn't you? But I stayed a fool as I treated you like dirt over the years. Hoping and praying that you were a squib, because then I would be able to deal with everything. Or at least that's what I thought. When you received that letter I was torn between hate and pride.

I watched you secretly. You are an amazing Seeker, just like James when he was in Gryffindor's team. I'm so proud of you. I think I always were, but I couldn't, wouldn't show it.

You don't know how worried I was when in you sixth year you had to face You Know Who. I was terrified that I'd lose you. Of course, I did anyway.

I was half glad that Sirius was released of all charges, but once again I was disappointed that I never got to make amends before you moved with him in your seventh year.

There's so much to say. All the lost years I owe you. Not enough time, I feel my life ebbing away. I have managed to purchase a Pensieve a few weeks back. Inside it is stored memories of your mother as a child. Of our time together. The better times.

I leave the keys to my Gringotts account to you Harry. Inside it is the Pensieve I purchased and a few things belonging to Lily. I hope in time you will be able to forgive me

My hands grow tired Harry. My eyes are heavy and I don't know how long I will last. This letter will arrive too late. I feel it in my bones.

I love you Harry Potter, my only nephew and only reminder of Lily. Forgive me.

Love

Aunt Petunia.