Damaged Goods

Damaged Goods

Part 14

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points. --Virginia Woolf

I feel like a selfish fool. I have been so involved with what happened to me and now I realize how fortunate I am, though my emotions and desires swing back and forth on a never-ending pendulum daily.

I think I will never forget the sorrow that filled the Gryffindor common room that day. With the exception of the Slytherins, the whole school was dealing with the pain, but it was worse in my own house, for those I knew. At least now they understood the darkness that Harry and I had been subjected too, though in very different ways.

I lay in bed this Sunday evening, one week to the day after the news, reflecting on my actions this term. I will not try to excuse them, I cannot.

Twice I have tried to take my life. I cringe thinking of the ultimate selfishness that would have been, though the idea still arises like a foul stench from time to time when I find myself exhausted with the tumultuous rise and fall of my emotions. It would have eased my pain, but at what price?

I had had sex with David; that was not such a big issue really, had I done it out of normal teenage lust, but I had sought it with visions of Lucius in my mind.

Most embarrassing of all, at least to me, was that I had thrown myself at Professor Snape, who in his own odd way has been the most comfort to me these last months. He seems unperturbed however and has never mentioned it to me.

Yesterday, as I was once again grading homework assignments for Professor Snape, when the overwhelming grief that I felt for myself and the students who have lost their families got the better of me. Feeling the helplessness that ensued, I had wept silently, tears staining and smudging the assignments I was working on.

Professor Snape came over to the table and I waited for him to scold me, for making a mess of the parchments. Instead I found a silk handkerchief pressed to my hand as a large warm hand gripped my shoulder. I cried until I could muster no more tears, his hand caressing my shoulder the entire time. As I wiped the last tear away, he spoke very softly.

"Time doesn't heal all wounds. Whoever said that apparently had never experienced much pain in life."

I thought of this, realizing that somehow he understood my torment. I thought also of the torment that he must be in, as I knew he had probably played a part in the carnage of the Muggles. Looking at my dreaded Potions Professor with a new understanding, I felt empathy for him.

I had noticed this evening at dinner that he looked very tired, his eyes haunted. Perhaps if I had not been studying him so intently I would not have seen that he grasped his arm briefly, the one with the mark I had seen last year, and had hurriedly left after whispering into Dumbledore's ear. As I lay here thinking of this, I am now determined to let him know that someone cared that he too was hurting. To do this, I'll have to find Harry.

***

Jason Lawrence and Seth Stevens were walking excitedly back through the secret passage beneath the Slytherin common room. They had just returned from their first Death Eater meeting since taking their marks during the Christmas holidays. Stopping at an alcove they removed their masks and cloaks storing them, along with the portkey they used to get to the meeting.

"Think we should wait for Professor Snape?" Jason asked.

"We better not. He might not like it."

"I would like to discuss with him what we learned tonight."

Seth punched him on the arm. "Don't be a git, we have to be careful not to say anything here. You never know when someone might be listening."

As they neared the end of the passage, Seth suddenly pulled Jason against the wall, motioning him to be quiet. Jason peered around Seth and saw a girl sitting in the middle of the passage near the stairs that led up to the Slytherin rooms.

"Who the hell is that?" Seth whispered.

"Granger. You know, Potter's friend. Remember the one under the table that day?" Jason reminded him.

."What is a Gryffindor doing down here?"

"Dunno, what do you think we should do?"

Jason pulled out his wand. "Maybe we should take her back to the meeting?" he said slyly.

Seth frowned, hoping Jason couldn't read his mind. It was one thing to be a Death Eater but he wasn't sure about dragging another student to their death.

It had been part of their initiation into the Death Eaters to deliver a Hogwarts student to Lucius Malfoy. He still had dreams about Angela.

Jason had courted her, gaining her confidence. That night he had asked her to go for a walk with him on the grounds. Seth had waited for them at the edge of the forbidden forest. There they had stupefied her and had carried her to the arranged place, where they gave her to Malfoy.

The rumor around school was that she ran off with a Muggle boy. Seth often wondered if he would break down and tell someone the truth, but he knew it would mean his life if he did.

"Shall we hex her then, threaten her not to tell?" Jason asked.

"Apparently she already knows about this passage," Seth replied, fear in his voice. "If she tells...."

"Then we have to silence her permanently."

"And I suppose you know how to caste Avada Kedavra successfully?" Seth said sarcastically. They had only begun their training in the Unforgivables, starting with the Imperius Curse.

"I know," Jason said, suddenly inspired. "Let's go back to the alcove and wait for Professor Snape. He will know what to do." Nodding in agreement, Seth turned and they went back to the alcove.

It wasn't long until they heard someone coming down the passage. "Wait," Jason said, putting a hand on Seth's arm as he started to move out to greet Snape. "Let's follow and see what he does. Don't want him thinking we couldn't handle things."

Severus had already removed his mask before he entered the passageway. His mood was dark, after spending hours teaching foolish teenagers the Unforgivables, wishing he could have sent them all away. There had been ten in all: two from his own house, six from Durmstrang and two from Beauxbaton.

Storming up the hall he almost tripped over the small figure that was arising from her perch on the floor. "Miss Granger?" he asked, astonished. "What are you doing here, has Draco summoned you?"

"No," she said softly, her cheeks flushing. She had only her nightgown on and stood there shivering from the cold dampness. At first she had waited draped in the invisibility cloak for warmth, but after she started to nod off she had removed it. If she fell asleep under the cloak Professor Snape could pass by and never know she had been there.

Growling low, noting how chilled she was, Severus removed his cloak wrapping it around her, waiting for an explanation.

"I just wanted to wait..." her voice trembled as she saw the anger on his face, "to make sure you were alright."

Severus fought hard not to let the look of amazement cross his face and scowled harder at her. "That was very foolish Miss Granger," he said harshly. "I am not the only one using these tunnels," he told her lowering his voice. She caught his meaning and her eyes widened with fear.

Picking up the silvery cloak at her feet, he led her over towards the secret passage that would take her to Gryffindor. "Never come here again. Do you understand me? Not for me or anyone." His voice sounded dangerous though he had let his expression soften. The girl had surprised him, something that rarely happened.

She held his gaze for a moment in silent understanding. "Yes Professor," she murmured as he wrapped the invisibly cloak around her shoulders.

Severus waited for a moment, hearing her soft footsteps die out as she climbed the steep stairs, before he turned and went over to the passage that would lead him to his chambers.

"Damn!" Jason swore, looking at Seth. "What do you think that was all about? He didn't seem surprised she was down here, and what is up with that thing about Draco?"

"What else could it be you git," Seth said, his smile mischievous. "It would seem that Snape has a little Gryffindor at his beck and call."

Jason's eyes widened and he laughed at the implication. "Don't think he'd share do you?" he teased.

Seth shuddered; he wouldn't want to be the one to ask that of Snape.

***

Harry lay awake waiting for Hermione. She had promised to return his cloak before she went to bed tonight. He hadn't wanted to give it to her, but it had been a long time since she had asked. Still he wanted to be sure she was alright.

The curtains around his bed parted and he felt a weight settle beside him. "Hermione?" he asked softly.

"Whom else are you expecting in your bed this late at night Mr. Potter?" she teased as she removed the invisibility cloak.

"You okay?" he asked, glad that she had returned.

"Just fine Harry. I went to the library for a little studying. Thanks," she said hugging him.

He hugged her back, his eyes widening as he felt the heavy cloak she had on, its aroma filled his nostrils: sandalwood, spices and smoke. "Hermione?" He pulled away from her.

"Shush Harry. It's late and we both need to get some sleep," she smiled at him as she slipped between the curtain to leave. "Thanks again." Upon her leaving, the parted bed curtains had let in a sliver of moonlight that glinted on the clasps of the cloak she wore. Harry's blood ran cold when he saw the silver serpents adorning it, for he knew who owned that cloak.

***

I find myself to wound up to sleep. Though he had snarled at me, I knew that Professor Snape had been, dare I say, touched that I had thought of him. It was strange to see him having feelings of any sort, yet I had felt his concern for me. Perhaps there was more to the unlikable professor than I had ever thought.

I had not noticed that I was still wearing his cloak until I returned to my bed. Folding it carefully, I laid it at the end of my bed. I would have to return it to him tomorrow and thank him. Again the surly man had surprised me.

Regretfully this is the last weekend of my detentions. It startled me that I had thought this a bad thing. I have had more peace of mind during my weekends in detention than I have had at any time this term.

Finals are this coming up this week and I find myself looking forward to going home, though a month ago I wished I could find a way never to return. How could I look at my mother without breaking down, knowing what she had been through, what I had been through? I couldn't even talk to her about it, for I knew she had had her mind altered. for she had never mentioned it in her letters that anything was out of the ordinary. Though my parents have sheltered me, I do not think she would have kept this from me. If nothing else there would have been subtle hints about my welfare during the Christmas hols.

Thinking of the summer, I went over the list of things I want to accomplish. No longer did I look forward to the trip to Australia my parents had planned for us. More important things press me.

I had been helpless against Lucius. Never did I want that to happen again. I had relied too much on magic and without my wand I found myself powerless.

Being studious all my life I realized that I was weaker than I would like to be when it comes to physical strength, especially in my upper body.

I have decided to change this. Sneaking out of the dormitory before dawn, I have started going for long walks around the grounds to increase my endurance. Not only does this help my stamina but also I find that it clears my mind, something I desperately need at times.

I plan to enroll in a self-defense course while at home. Perhaps even into some sort of martial art. Though physical strength may do little good if I should find myself in a similar situation as with the Malfoys, at least I will feel as if I had tried if I fight back. I giggle as I think of Ron and Harry's astonishment if I ever put a tae kwon do move on them. Just thinking of doing these things comforts me.

Another matter I want to look into is being able to do magic without a wand. I know that powerful wizards can use wandless magic. Are they powerful with innate magical abilities or through discipline and training? If it is the latter, I definitely plan on achieving this also.

I also have started carrying a knife. I keep this carefully hidden in the waistband of my skirt. If anyone found out they would probably assume that I was using it on myself. To tell the truth I have fought several times from doing just that, but surprisingly I had won the inner conflicts. I do not think I could actually stab another human being. The thought sickens me, yet I know that a person could do anything when put in the right situation.

Draco no longer bothers me. Ever since the incidence he has avoided me. My nightmares have lessened and thoughts of Lucius Malfoy rarely come to my mind unbidden now. It seems that life may be returning to a rare normalcy once more and I smiled into the darkness at the thought.

***

The Great Hall filled with owls that Wednesday morning as mail was delivered to the school body. Hearing Hagrid's remark about a rare Asian owl, Severus glanced up, noting that particular owl swooping through the Hall. His eyes narrowed as he watched it, knowing it belonged to Lucius. It was the owl Malfoy used to deliver messages to him, usually an invitation to a 'party', though it had never been sent to him except in his private chambers.

The owl did not head towards the staff table and Severus started to dismiss it, thinking it was going to Draco, when he noted that it headed to the back of the hall towards the Gryffindor table.

His attention was fully upon the owl now as it swooped down to land in front of Hermione Granger. Watching intently, he saw her untie the letter from its leg and offer it a bit of toast before she opened the post. Hermione's face drained of color and she gripped the letter hard, crumpling it between her hands.

Potter was talking to her now, apparently asking what was wrong and Severus saw her shake her head at him as she got to her feet. She left the hall quickly and he could see her small frame trembling.

'Go after her you fool,' he hissed inwardly, waiting for Potter to take action. A long minute passed and Harry turned his attention to the Weasley boy at his side.

Severus got to his feet, exiting the hall hurriedly. He was unaware that someone else took interest in this display, while staring at his retreating form, and chose to follow.

Scanning the hall Severus glimpsed Hermione as she ducked into a classroom at the far end. Cursing Potter for not being concerned enough to go after his friend, Severus walked swiftly to the partially open classroom door. Peering into the room, he saw her walk to the front of the room still holding the crumpled letter in her hand. She sat down at a desk and smoothed it out.

He watched her read and reread the letter, her lips moving silently as if she needed to be sure what she was reading.

"NO!" she screamed, as she wadded the letter and stuffed it into her robe pocket.

Severus hoped she was saying no to whatever Lucius had written to her, but felt his heart sinking as she continued.

"Never again," she said resolutely as she pulled a knife out of her robes.