No One Can Know

No One Can Know
Diggory’s dead. He’s dead and the Dark Lord has returned. Father said he thought it would happen soon and now it has. Potter’s a hero again. Bloody Potter. I don’t get it. I should be happy, right? Right? The Dark Lord can put society the way it’s supposed to be. Father always said so. But…
 
I don’t know. Father didn’t seem all that happy when he told me over the Easter hols or when he confirmed it in his letter. Isn’t Father happy about this?
 
And what about Snape? I like Snape; he’s the best teacher in this place. I thought he supported the Dark Lord. Father all but told me he did. Besides, Father speaks highly of Snape, seems pleased that I like him. So shouldn’t Snape be happy?
 
Maybe he is. He’s Snape; it’s kinda hard to tell what he’s thinking. I mean, he doesn’t look quite like he’s in shock or he’s been bawling his eyes out like the other stupid people around here. But, I don’t know. He just looks… strange. I mean, strange for Snape. Like he’s … tired? Maybe… Maybe he’s confused, too. No, that can’t be it. I don’t know.
 
I don’t expect people to celebrate the Dark Lord’s return publicly; that’d be incredibly stupid. But shouldn’t someone be happy? My father? Snape? … Me?
 
Diggory’s dead. Like, really dead. I mean, he was a Hufflepuff. He probably tried to stop the Dark Lord. No, that sounds more like a Gryffindor-type stupid thing to do. So why’d he get killed?
 
Does it matter? If the Dark Lord wanted him dead, then that’s what counts, right? I don’t know. I guess in the end, that was what counted. Geez, Draco. That’s bloody morbid.
 
But it’s right, isn’t it. Honestly? Really? The Dark Lord wanted him dead, so he’s dead.
 
Dead. That’s a weird word. Diggory was a …
 
Was. That’s even weirder. Was. Not is. He isn’t. He isn’t anything.
 
But he was a Hufflepuff. He was also the Hogwarts Champion. The real one, I mean. He was a Seeker. Old family. Girls thought he was good-looking. Sounds a bit like me.
 
Don’t think like that, Draco. He wasn’t like you. He wasn’t. He can’t have been. He’s dead.
 
He was just a bloody Hufflepuff! Toughen up! How can you take your place in the world to come if you can’t even deal with the fact that some stupid Hufflepuff is dead? He’s just a Hufflepuff and he was against the Dark Lord, so he’s dead.
 
Not like me. I’m a Slytherin; I’m not against the Dark Lord. I’m different.
 
But I thought you were different because you weren’t dead?

No. Stop. Don’t think like that. So he’s dead. Brush it off. You have to. Dead. Dead.
 
If you can’t, how can you do your part? Father always said that you have to do your part to make the world the way it’s supposed to be. But …
 
Dead … He’s … He was a pureblood. I thought… I mean…
 
Maybe he was a Muggle-lover. But still…
 
Somehow, “do your part” isn’t supposed to mean murder. Is it? I mean, fight the Mudbloods and Muggle-lovers. The world’s better off without them. At least, the wizarding world is, and that’s what matters. But …
 
Murder. Dead. I don’t know. I don’t want to think about this. It’s weird. Even the words are weird.
 
But how can I not think about it? Father knows I know. Damnit, why isn’t he happy? Or Snape? Maybe he doesn’t want to murder people.
 
But Father was a supporter before, and he wants to get rid of the Mudbloods, too. Does that mean he murdered them? I guess. Probably. I don’t know. That’s kinda… I guess…
 
He does what he has to. I know that. And he says that sometimes you have to do things that aren’t pleasant to achieve your goals. I mean, that’s practically the definition of a Slytherin, right? And I know I’m a Slytherin, the hat knew I was a Slytherin, no questions.
 
But… murder. That’s a hard word. My father murdered people.
 
You don’t know that for sure, Draco.
 
No, but… well… I think he did.
 
Does that make him a murderer? No. No. Murderers are people who always murder, or murder for fun, people like that. Not when there’s a purpose. A reason. But…
 
Diggory. He wasn’t a Mudblood. And the Dark Lord murdered him. Maybe that’s why Father’s not happy. He didn’t think the Dark Lord should have murdered Diggory.
 
But then what? I mean, you couldn’t say that to the Dark Lord, right? So what do you say? Oh, well? Tough loss? But he’s dead. He won’t get a Ministry job, or play pro Quidditch, or … Hell, I don’t know what he wanted to do. Guess it doesn’t matter now … Doesn’t matter.
 
Oh, bloody hell, get over it! Just because he wasn’t a Mudblood; apparently he was supposed to die. There was a reason.
 
What happens when you’re supposed to die, Draco?
 
No. I’m not. I’m on the Dark Lord’s side. The right side. Right? I’ll be safe. I will. But…
 
Murder. Could I murder someone? I mean, just Mudbloods. I guess… I don’t know. Maybe you learn. It sounds… scary. That’s weak. Maybe I’m weak. I don’t know.
 
Vince doesn’t even think you should kill Mudbloods. Just scare them and make them go back and live with Muggles, where they belong. I don’t know.
 
Father talks about needing to be sure of what you’re doing. No sense in doing things halfway. I mean, getting yourself out of trouble is one thing. But you’ll never get rid of the Mudbloods if you go around being nice about it.
 
But… Maybe I’m not sure of what I’m doing.
 
I mean, they’re just Mudbloods. Like Granger, bloody know-it-all. I hate her. But could I … Maybe I know her too well. Besides, I hate her for more than just being a Mudblood, so that’s different. Another Unforgivable could be fun, sure.
 
What about that Creevy twit? Even Potter can’t stand him. Doesn’t make up for being a Mudblood, though. Okay, so if Creevy were dead, I wouldn’t care, right? Okay. Yeah.
 
But could I do it myself? Could I … Could I … murder… Creevy?
 
Maybe some random Mudblood that I hadn’t met. Until you get used to it. Maybe… I don’t know. I just don’t know.
 
But… I have to be strong. Can I be?
 
If I can’t… I can’t let anyone know. People can’t know. I’m so confused. But they can’t think that I might not support the Dark Lord. Because I do. Of course I do.
 
So I won’t let anyone know what I’m thinking. Not Father, that’s for sure. Maybe if I knew what Snape was thinking, I might… too risky. Vince maybe. Maybe. But not now. And not Greg, he’d never understand.
 
Mostly though, the other students. Potter and his riffraff. They can’t know I’m so weak about this.
 
So. Cedric Diggory is dead. He’s dead and I don’t care. I don’t…
 
Suck it up, Draco. You can do this
 
Cedric Diggory is dead and the Dark Lord has returned.
 
Better. Do it with a smirk. Be strong.
 
Cedric Diggory is dead and I don’t care, because the Dark Lord has returned.
 
Okay. All right. Just as long as no one knows…