The Heart Is Slow To Learn

The Heart Is Slow To Learn

I love him. It's hard to admit to anyone but myself, but I really do love him. I want so very badly to tell him, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'll look at him, take a deep breath, open my mouth...and ask him some mindless question. Even when he smiles at me and I can see the love in his eyes, I can't force the words out.

He doesn't know it, but I like to watch him sleep. He looks so innocent, like a small child, and I find it rather endearing. Sometimes, I think that I could tell him all of it while he sleeps. Then, I'd always know that I'd said it and he'd never have to. I decide to try that.

"Harry, I..." I hesitate. Now that it comes down to it, I don't know what to say. It is strange to say that I, Draco Malfoy, have nothing to say. Not that it matters; I know he isn't really listening.

I start again, "Harry, you're very special to me, you do know that right? You've made my life worth living these past two years. I know that sounds cliché, but it's true. You really are all I live for. My father and his Dark Lord be damned. I don't care about any of them. And I'm rambling, but that's okay, as you're not even awake and won't remember any of this tomorrow.

"Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I care about you, even if I don't always show it. Okay, I never show it. Well, I do when we're alone and it's the middle of the night, but that's beside the point. It's just hard sometimes, this relationship we've developed. Some days, I feel like I'll just collapse under the weight of it all. The secrets we keep, the bond we share, and even the love I can see in your eyes and hear in your voice. It gets to be too much sometimes. And sometimes, just sometimes, it scares me and I turn my head. I back away."

I pause again and study Harry's sleeping form. I trace his face in the air above him with a forefinger, almost touching his soft skin. Almost, but not quite. I don't want to wake him, not yet, not when I've managed to get so far. And I still have so much to say. I have yet to reach my point.

"Er... Where was I? Ah, yes, I need to tell you these things; they've been driving me mad. I need to let you know what I really think of you and how I really feel. If I don't let it all out, I'll lose my mind, completely and utterly. But... Whenever I try to tell you, something stops me. I think it's because all my life, I've been taught to hide what I feel, to keep it buried where no one can see. So I never really learned how to tell someone my feelings about them. Even if I really want to. I suppose that the heart is slow to learn. Which probably makes no sense, but I don't care, I'm not trying to make sense. Emotions never make sense, not to me, not to you, and not to anyone.

"It isn't right that things are like this, but they are. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. I guess this is just a messed up world after all. All this rambling has a point, you know, I'm just taking awhile to get to it."

I look at him, and I wonder why I'm doing this.

He won't remember in the morning, it will be as though this never happened, but I have to finish, it's important that I finish what I've started.

With a deep, calming breath, I begin again for the third time, "In short, Harry, I just need to tell you that..."

Harry stirs and opens his eyes slowly.

"You say something, Dray?" he mumbles, his voice heavy with sleep. He rubs his eyes and focuses on my face. I lie down beside him, pulling him close and he settles against my chest comfortably.

"Only that I love you," I say softly.

Without missing a beat, he responds,

"I love you too."