Forbidden Lore

Forbidden Lore

Chapter 9

Later that night, after immersing myself in Maria's world for a couple of hours, I sat in the common room alone, waiting for the next thing to happen.

"I need something," I muttered, "Coffee, maybe."

I didn't drink coffee very often, wasn't sure about how good it was for your health. But given the trauma of the day, not to mention the trauma that I knew was yet to come, I thought that a cup of coffee could be justified. And, unfortunately, yet again I felt a sense of premonition. I knew that things were not going to get any better. After my experience with my father, I had learned to trust such feelings.

All of a sudden, Harry, Ron, and Hermione came running in from the hall. Looking up, I waited in silence for them to catch their breath.

"Raven," Hermione was first to speak, "There's a meeting, right now, and they want you to come."

"Really? And who is 'they'?"

"Dumbledore, the teachers, Sirius, you know, those people. And they want you to attend this meeting. We are."

"War council," I muttered, then, louder, "So, it's all out war, is it? Why am I not surprised?"

"Yes," Harry said, resignation in his tone, "it's all out war."

He sounded so tired and defeated, I knew all to well how he felt, my feelings were much the same. I empathized with him.

"Well, then," I said musingly, "I suppose they need people with brains, I'll go, but I'm not swearing allegiance to anyone. You can't force me to do that. No one can force me to do that."

Harry nodded, "That's what I've been trying to tell them; now come on, we need to go, they'll be missing us."

I, in turn, nodded, and rose to follow them out of the common room. I didn't pay attention to where we were going; I stared blindly forward, lost in thoughts deeper than what I'm certain they were imagining. To be perfectly honest, I was planning out ways to attack quickly and end this war before it really got going. My Gryffindor friends would have been rather shocked had they been able to hear my thoughts, I was thinking in cold, calculating, un-Gryffindor-ish terms. Probably more suited to someone like Draco Malfoy or Severus Snape. But, wars do that to people, and I didn't want any of it to go on longer than absolutely necessary.

Sub consciously; I think I might have been paying attention to where we were going. Up those stairs, down that corridor, through that door, turn right, etc., etc., etc. I think this because I could remember where we went for that meeting later, even after a length of time had passed.

When we got to the room in which the "meeting" was taking place, I did a quick sweep of the room, taking note of who was there. There was Dumbledore, of course, Snape, McGonagall, the rest of the teachers (I really don't care to name them all), Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Draco, Cho Chang, some seventh year students that I didn't know, and the four of us.

Not a bad turn out. I thought mildly. I felt oddly isolated from the congregation, feeling more like a witness than a participant.

"Ah," Dumbledore said, "You found her."

No one needed to ask which "her" he was referring to.

"Please, sit down," he motioned to the four empty chairs.

I sat down at the end of the table and leaned back, preparing to listen carefully. I had the nastiest feeling that my life could come to depend upon what I heard in that meeting.

"Well, now that we're all here," Dumbledore looked wearier than I'd ever seen him and the twinkle was missing from his eyes, "Severus, would you brief everyone on the situation?"

Snape nodded, "We're badly outnumbered, very badly, you need to know that right off. Somehow, the dark lord has managed to get far more people to flock to his side than we have to ours. This is unfortunate, as they now know that I'm a spy and we, therefore, have lost that resource. Now, that battle we just fought out there was bad, certainly, but what is yet to come is going to be far worse. I can promise you that. Those people did not come here expecting to lose, now that they have, they will not hesitate to pull all the stops in order to win."

I glanced around the table, seeing pale, still faces. I knew that all the colour had probably drained from my face, as well, but that was more because I felt as though I was staring death in the face.

We are all going to die. I thought in a detached sort of way.

I said it aloud, "We are all going to die."

"We are not!" Ron instantly said. Several people nodded their heads in agreement.

Harry sighed, took off his glasses, and rubbed his eyes wearily, "Yes we are." His voice was calm and steady.

I sighed, too, and massaged my temples, fending off the beginnings of a headache.

"Ah hem," Snape cleared his throat loudly.

"Yes?" I inquired softly, not even opening my eyes.

"Could I finish now?"

I didn't reply, after a moment's pause, he continued.

"There is, however, still hope. We escaped the first battle with only twenty-one casualties on our end; they had at least twenty-seven. It isn't much, but in a situation like this one, everything counts."

He stopped; Dumbledore spoke again, "Thank you, Severus. Does everyone understand that?"

There was a rather long silence; everyone was, in one way or another, processing this information.

"Uh, Professor Dumbledore, sir?" Cho Chang said timidly.

"Yes, Ms. Chang?"

"Why are we here? I mean, we're too young to be of any real help in this."

I looked at her, seeing in her something I had not seen before. She was terrified of death, terrified of being hurt, terrified of fighting on the losing side. That was why she didn't want to be there, she was scared.

And, who can blame her? We're all scared, maybe not of the same things, but scared all the same.

I didn't know Cho well, but what I did know of her, I liked. She was nice enough, but lacked real courage. That was her major flaw, too little courage.

Well, she is a Ravenclaw. After all, they're known for bookish intelligence, not courage.

"Ms. Chang, you are here because the sixth and seventh year students fought admirably and, therefore, need to be represented in this war. The ten of you are the representatives of your respective years. You are now part of this war."

"We're here to die for you?" Cho asked shrilly, nearly hysterical at the mere thought of dying at the age of seventeen.

I had a momentary lapse in judgment and spoke sharply, "You're not here to die for your beliefs. You're here to make those so-and-so's die for theirs!"

"What?" the poor girl looked near tears.

"Don't die, it's that simple. You don't have to die out there. Death isn't a requirement. Oh, and by the way, there is no force in hell that could make me go out on another battlefield as long as I live."

I said this whole thing without once changing expression or tone, so it took them a minute to process all of it. When they did, all the adults, with the exception of Dumbledore and Snape, started talking at once.

"You have to!"

"We need you!"

"You can't leave!"

"Quiet!" Dumbledore said, rather sharply, at least, rather sharply for Dumbledore.

That shut everyone up pretty quickly.

He spoke slowly and deliberately, "The most we can do is ask our students to fight, if they choose not to, that is their decision."

"For now," I muttered sardonically, they looked at me, so I elaborated, "Right now, it's too early in the game for anyone to force us to do anything. Later on, when things have become much worse, the rules could very easily change. But, I will hold out for as long as I can."

"Raven," Hermione looked almost as frightened as Cho, "We need you to help us, please don't go."

"Go?" I asked cynically, "Where in the name of hell could I go? It's not like there's anywhere else for me out there. I'm trapped, my back's against the wall. So, I ask again, where can I go?"

"Well, I don't know, but you can't possibly mean to just sit here and not do anything!"

"Why not?"

"Because, because, because that would be wrong." she finished lamely.

I shook my head and chose not to dignify that with a response.

Honestly, that was just pathetic. 'Wrong'? That's the best she could come up with? Although, some allowances must be made, considering the circumstances.

"Well, Raven, we can only hope that you'll change your mind in the future."

I didn't meet the headmaster's gaze. Truth be told, I felt mildly bad about not helping, but dying in a war was not my idea of a good way to go out.

If I go out before my time, I'm going out with a bang. No, I'm going out with a bang, regardless.

The meeting went on, I mentally commented on everything that was said, but didn't contribute anything more.

Well, I tried not to, at least.

About a quarter of an hour later, one of the Hufflepuffs gave what could quite possibly have been the year's stupidest suggestion yet.

"Why don't we just ignore them? Maybe they'll just go away," he sounded so very hopeful, most people would have felt for him. I, however, have never been 'most people' and snorted in a most undignified fashion.

"What?" his eyes widened in an innocent sort of way.

Good gods, I thought, he's nothing but a child.

I said, "They aren't going to go away, my friend, not on their own. We need to help them along a bit."

Draco's snort matched mine, "Well, that's certainly one way of putting it. Now, that's a euphemism if I ever heard one."

"Oh, shove off." I snapped. There wasn't really any energy behind it, and he knew it.

"Would you be still, Raven?" Snape asked with vexation, "We don't need your comments all the way through."

In a way, that really hurt. For the first time that day, my cold front nearly collapsed around me. His words, so cold and sharp, cut right through and it damn well hurt. I shook my head slightly and averted my gaze.

"Does anyone else have something to add?" Dumbledore asked, attempting to avoid more conflict among the ranks, I think.

No one said anything, so he dismissed us to go rest and prepare for what the next day was certain to bring.

"Raven, why is it so important to you that you stay out of this?" Hermione asked softly.

"I'm against the entire conflict, I don't want to be part of it. Perhaps it's because I understand both sides and, therefore, can't choose."

"What do you mean?"

"I can see where you're coming from, but I can also see where they're coming from. It makes for difficult decisions."

"Oh, but you know that they're wrong, so you should be able to help us."

"That's just it, you think they're wrong, and I'm not saying that that isn't true, but they don't believe that, so it isn't the only truth. You need to learn that there is never just one truth, if you were to ask ten people what happened, you would get ten different versions. I am simply refusing to go along with either side's version of reality. I'll go with mine. Maybe my version isn't worth a damn, but it's mine."

"And, let's not start a side war over it." Harry said, calmly stepping between Hermione and I, "It isn't worth it. Hermione, Raven isn't going to help them any more than she's going to help us. Probably far less, actually. Raven, drop it, just drop it."

"Yes, sir," I said sarcastically, giving him a mock salute.

"All right, Harry," Hermione said, she looked a little bit ashamed of herself, "This is just so frightening, I'm overreacting. Sorry, Raven."

"It's fine, Hermione, I know."

"Can we go sit in the common room now?" Ron asked, "You know, and pretend everything is normal?"

"But everything isn't normal," I said softly.

"Can't we at least pretend for a while, please?"

I sighed, smiled, and walked off, leaving them to duke it out. If they wanted to argue it, fine, if not, that was fine, too. I didn't have the energy to care. Then, a thought struck me, well, not a thought, really, more of a wordless realisation. I was spending far too much time trying to avoid the pain by pretending that I didn't care. What I should have been doing was try to lessen the pain and pay them back for it. But, I wasn't doing that; instead, I was acting morbid.

I stopped dead.

"Raven, are you okay?" Cho Chang called.

I smiled slightly, "Yes, Cho, I'm perfectly fine. Actually, I'm better than that, I'm fabulous."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I've figured it all out now, so I'm fine." I smiled at them, truly smiled; it felt glorious.

"Tell me, did I miss something here?" Draco asked, "The last time I checked, you were depressingly serious and cynical. What happened? And, haven't you pulled this trick before?"

"No, you don't understand, I've learned the secret to happiness."

"And?"

"Live each day as though it were the last day of your life. After all, 'for all we know, this night could be the last night of the world'."

"Another quote?" Draco's voice was dry.

"But of course, that's part of my job."

"I see, well, the cheer is slightly better than the brooding, but I happen to think it slightly creepy. As far as I knew, you didn't do cheerful."

"Well, I'm trying to live up to my newfound wisdom."

"Hmm, that's nice, I'm happy for you. Moving on," his voice and attitude was completely relaxed.

The others watched this bizarre exchange with mild amusement, thankful for the momentary distraction. My smile only grew.

"Okay, then," Ron looked a little uneasy.

"We should get some rest," I said, taking in the dark circles and pale faces of my companions, "Why don't we all go to bed?"

Hermione nodded, regaining her composure, "That's a good idea, who knows when we'll next be able to get a full night's sleep."

"Yeah," Harry said, "who knows?"

So, we all went to bed that night, not knowing what the morning would bring. But, that night, for that moment, we were all far too weary to care.

I couldn't sleep though; I had too much on my mind. So, I got up and pulled out a thin, leather bound book of paper, a quill, and my ink and began writing. Writing what was on my mind.

It has begun. I think that we always knew that it would. But, being only human, we did as humans do when faced with horrors almost beyond our imaginations; we blocked it out. We did not want to know what tomorrow brings, even now, as they sleep the sleep of the young and innocent, they do not wish to comprehend what is now right outside the door. Sometimes, when I lay in bed at night, trying to fall asleep, I know that feeling. I do not wish to know. Oh, god, why can I not be a child? Whose sins am I paying for? And how do I find forgiveness for them? Why? Who? How? Those are my questions this night, and none of them have anything to do with tomorrow. You see? I am just like everybody else, really, just another human being.

Perhaps, deep inside, I am still a child, too.