Fairy Tales

FAIRY TALES

===

Fairy Tales. Told to children everywhere, many of whom grow up with notions of beautiful princesses, dashing princes, valiant knights and happy endings dancing in their heads. As the children become adults, the notions are labelled foolish and are put away, left to fade and blur. But old and worn as they are, they remain, somewhere, tucked into a forgotten corner of the mind, still managing to have a hand in shaping hopes and dreams.

However, it must be remembered that in life, the stories never play out quite as they're supposed to...

===

RAPUNZEL

Peering in the direction of the only window, Harry stepped up to the tower and called to its inhabitant.

"Draco, Draco, let down your hair!"

Squinting, Harry just made out 5 inches of blonde ponytail being flung over the ledge.

"I see we're going to have a few problems..."

---

THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA

"Bring me twenty mattresses! And a pea!"

"Mother? I don't think that's really necessary..."

"But Draco! We need to find out if he's a -real- prince!"

"Don't worry Mother, I have a plan of my own." A grin. "And we'll only need ONE mattress.."

---

CINDERELLA

"Um...any unmarried persons to try on the slipper?"

Petunia ushered her son forward. "This is our so-er-daughter, Dudley. That shoe definitely belongs to hi-her, doesn't it, Duddikins?"

A whispered, "Er, weren't there supposed to be -two- stepsisters?"

"Well, she's certainly big enough to be two."

"True, that."

There was a crack as the glass shoe gave way under the force of pressure it was never meant to stand--- that of Dudley's foot.

"Oh, now isn't THAT a pity!" Petunia exclaimed, a look of affected shock and dismay on her thin face. "It MUST have been the strain of so many large feet being forced into that fragile thing. But since Dudley is the last one in the kingdom to try it on, and no one else could wear it, the ONLY logical conclusion is that it is HI--HERS, isn't it?"

She gave a laugh that was more than slightly reminiscent of the squalling of seagulls fighting over whatever unsavoury morsel that had been fished out of the bin.

The prince's aide paled, and his eyes widened in horror. Draco himself turned distinctly green. He groaned and put his head in his hands.

"Um, excuse me?" A soft voice queried. A hand was placed gently on Draco's shoulder. "Perhaps I can help."

"If only you could," Draco moaned in despair. "I'd do anything. Anything! But this is -beyond- help!"

"No, I know I can help. You see, I have the other slipper."

Petunia, who'd been fussing over her son and squealing in happiness, jerked around. "You!" she hissed. "Get back to your cupboard!"

Draco held a hand up to silence her. "What did you say?"

There was a smile, and then a glass slipper, identical to the first, was produced and slipped easily onto a delicate foot. Draco stared, captivated by deep green eyes. As it sunk in, the corners of his mouth began to curl, finishing in a radiant smile.

Meanwhile, his aide had noticed something...something he couldn't quite put his finger on...then..

"WAIT! Your Majesty! It's not a girl! It's a BOY!"

"Brilliant!" Draco exclaimed, grinning and leaning over to kiss his new fiance.

---

RUMPLESTILTSKIN

"Stupid pandering Father, sucking up to Voldemort...Voldemort, that complete idiot...even if I had the philosopher's stone, it changes BASE METALS into gold, not STRAW!"

"Uh, hello."

"Aargh! Where did -you- come from?!"

"Well, uh...never you mind. I'm here to help you."

"...You can spin straw into gold?" A disbelieving look.

"...Yes, actually."

Silence.

"Um. Well...Actually, if you can do that, would you be able to get me out of here instead?"

"...I guess so. Where do you want to go?"

"Hmm...I can't go home...can you just take me wherever you're going?"

A smile. "Sure. My name's Harry."

---

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

It was not long before the wolf arrived at Grandma's house. He knocked on the door and entered.

"Hello, Draco dear."

A moment of stunned silence.

"Really, Harry, -Grandma-?!"

"Well, she gets eaten by the wolf, doesn't she?" A suggestive wink and leer.

"Only you, Harry, only you..."

---

HANSEL AND GRETEL

"Er, Draco? Can we skip this one? Incest just feels...wrong..."

"Next!"

---

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

"Fee fi fo fum...something or other about a homeless bum..."

"Er, hi."

"A bit bold, aren't you? Do trespassers usually greet the owners of the properties they're trespassing on where you come from?"

"...You're telling me YOU'RE the giant?!"

"Yes. Is it so hard to believe? I fee fi fo what's-ited, didn't I?"

"Well...you're a little...well..-small-."

"I'm taller than -you-, aren't I?"

"I'm sorry to break it to you, but that's not really much of an achievement."

"Well actually, to tell you the truth, I'm only a temp. Hagrid's on holiday."

"Oh. I see. I don't suppose you could direct me to any harps or geese or anything?"

"Sorry, can't help you there."

"Hmm...then, would you mind terribly if I stole you instead?"

A pause.

"...Well what are you waiting for? A written invitation?!"

---

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

"What do you mean he's DEAD?!"

"Fred, shall you do the honours, or shall I?"

"George, as much as I know you'd like to help, I really think Charlie would be a better choice."

"D'ye think so, Bill? Well alright then. Go for it, Charlie.

"Right. Well you see, Prince Draco, this is the deal. You have to kiss him..."

"WHAT?! Oh no, NO F@#!$%& WAY! NECROPHILIA WAS -NOT- IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION!"

---

ALADDIN

"I am Draco, the genie of the lamp. You get three wishes."

"Oh. Thankyou. But I really don't know what I should wish for..."

"Oh, come on, there must be something you want. Fame? Riches? A wife, suburban home and 2.5 kids?"

"Well, there is..something...I've never been kissed before-- that is, can I kiss you?"

"Er..I don't see why not."

A little breathlessly, "And that's how it's done."

"Ooh...I see. But I don't think I've quite got the hang of it yet...Show me again?"

"Was that alright?"

"I think you've got the hang of it now. But maybe you should try again, just in case. Practise makes perfect, and all..."

"I don't suppose once more would hurt.."

"Wait, Draco. Not that I'm not enjoying this, but it's already been three."

"Oh, just shut up and kiss me, you fool."

---

THUMBELINA

"...The -Fairy Prince-?!"

"Shut up, Harry."

"Sorry Draco, but...FAIRY PRINCE?!"

"....I wouldn't be so quick to comment if I were you, Harry. Keep in mind that when I ascend the throne, you'll be the FAIRY QUEEN."

---

DRAGONSLAYER

"I'm looking for a dragon who's supposed to be living hereabouts?"

"That would be me."

A moment of shock.

"Oh...well...you wanna do lunch sometime?"

A pleased smile. "Love to."

"HEY!"

Both boys looked up to the tower, where a small, blindingly pink figure was leaning out of a window, still screeching.

"Yes?"

"HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?"

The dark-haired boy winced at the sheer volume. The other wearily produced a well-worn pair of earplugs and stuffed them into his ears.

"Er, no. At least I don't think so."

"WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

Harry winced again. His respect for the fair-haired "dragon" had gone up considerably. He was sure that if -he- had to live with this noise, he would have flung himself off a nearby cliff long ago.

"What -about- you?"

An outraged shriek. "I'M THE PRINCESS!"

"I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"YOU'RE THE HERO, AREN'T YOU?!"

"Well, yes, I suppose you could say that."

"THE HERO IS SUPPOSED TO SLAY THE DRAGON AND SAVE THE PRINCESS!!!"

He considered this for a moment.

"Well, the hero has decided that that wouldn't be worth the effort. I rather think it's the dragon who is in more need of saving. However, given a bit more privacy, I would be -more- than happy to--" a suggestive look, "-slay- this dragon."

===

One boy turns to his love.

"So this is the end? Now the last page has been turned, and the book must be closed and put back on the shelf. What becomes of the characters after the story has been told? What do we do now?"

The second boy smiles gently and kisses the first.

"Now, Harry? Now we are free to write a story of our own."

He takes Harry's hand, and the two of them run off to find their happy ending.

===

END