Not Your Fault

Not Your Fault

I seem to find myself standing at this very spot quite often. More so lately than ever before. Perhaps it's because of Sirius' death. Now I know I'll never escape the Dursleys. Never escape the rape....

It all began when Dudley and I were five. Uncle Vernon stripped us both naked in the shed. The soundproof shed. He fondled us the, making us hard for what was probably the first time in both our lives.

He told me to bend over. I tried to refuse, scared at what was so new and strange, but what chance does a five-year-old kid have against someone more than three times their size?

Then he told Dudley what he wanted him to do. "Fuck him up the ass," he said. Neither of us understood what he meant--we were only five after all, so Uncle Vernon showed him what to do, by doing it himself.

I screamed louder than I had ever screamed before. I felt like I was being ripped apart! Not even the beatings I had received hurt as much as that.

And Uncle Vernon didn't stop. Once he was in, he decided to keep going until he came.

I was bloody and covered in seamen, and Vernon told Dudley to do what he had just done.

It didn't hurt nearly as much as it had when Uncle Vernon did it. Maybe because Dudley was, by far, much smaller than Uncle Vernon, or because the blood and the...well it was well lubricated that time.

It became a regular occurrence, the rapes. Almost daily, when Uncle Vernon came home from work and before dinner, he would have Dudley fuck me while he jerked off on his own, watching us.

Then Dudley would wake me up in the middle of the night and do it to me without Uncle Vernon's involvement.

When I asked him why, he said he enjoyed it.

"You enjoy it?" I had yelled while we were still in the shed, both of us getting dressed.

"Don't you?" he had asked.

Disgusted, I left. I would later learn that Dudley was gay. Part of me wonders if Uncle Vernon is too, or if he is the reason Dudley is.

Then Hogwarts came to the rescue. For the first time in my life I would learn what a day without being used for someone else's kicks was like. I could remember what life without sex was.

That first summer, when the Dursleys didn't know about the Underage Restriction on magic, was the best time of my with-the-Dursleys life. They didn't touch me!

Until that incident with the Masons.

After Aunt Petunia went to bed, Uncle Vernon dragged me out to the shed where Dudley was waiting.

He fucked me first. After nearly a year without it, it was like the first time all over again. Especially with how big Uncle Vernon was. And no, I'm not talking about his weight.

I had bled again. Stretched to the point my skin tore. They waited a while, while I lay there, naked and bloody on the dirt.

The Dudley kicked my side. Then he kicked me again, this time in my privates. After that, he through a few punches, nearly knocked me unconscious, then he fucked me. The wounds from Uncle Vernon reopened and ripped further.

Over and over that night. Five times, at least.

I never once had a bruise. I pissed blood for a week.

Now, every time I go back, the night I return, Dudley has me out in the shed. It would be fine, if it was consensual, but it never is. I always fight. And I always lose.

Maybe that's why I keep coming up here. Looking up I see Sirius, the brightest star in the sky, and I wonder why I'm still fighting. Why not slip off the edge here?

A fall from the top of the Astronomy Tower should be quick and painless, right?

"What are you doing up here?" a cold voice demands.

I turn to see Malfoy standing there, seemingly glowing from the light of the moon reflected on his pale skin.

"I really don't see what business it is of yours where I spend my nights or why," I said coolly.

"Oh, but I do," Malfoy said. He pointed to the Prefect badge on his chest. "Remember?" he asked. "I'm a prefect again this year too."

"So am I," I replied, pointing to my own badge.

He walked swiftly up to me.

"One of these days, Potter, someone's going to teach you a lesson."

"Really?" I asked. "What for?"

"Learning your place. You're going to pay for putting Father in Azkaban. You just wait and see. The Dark Lord--"

"Oh fuck your precious Dark Lord, Malfoy," I spat. "If you want me to be taught, why don't' you do it your own goddamn self?" I demanded, knowing that he'd find a way to do just that. I would probably live to regret that statement, but I was sick of empty threats.

"You asked for it," he said pulling his shirt over his head.

Suddenly, I knew exactly what he was going to do.

He stood in his boxers before he forced me out of my clothes. It would have been easier to just give in, but I couldn't do that. Not after eleven years of this shit.

I fought, and because I fought it hurt. When he finally did shove his cock into me, I bit back a scream. I would not give him that pleasure.

He didn't stop until long after he came. He kept going, even had multiple orgasms.

When he did finally stop, it was near morning.

"If you tell a fucking soul," he whispered in my ear as I lay on the verge of consciousness, "I'll kill Granger." He bit my ear, then left. It was a while before I found the will and energy to dress myself and go back to the Gryffindor tower.

I was grateful that it was a Monday and that classes were in session when I returned. I spent two hours in the shower--I couldn't seem to get him off of me. I cried too, something I hadn't done since...I don't even remember the last time I cried. I wanted to tell someone--anyone--what had happened, but his words echoed in my head.

I'll kill Granger.

I don't even know what it was that drove me to go to Madam Pomfrey. I felt like I'd had the flu, I'd spent the last twelve hours throwing up everything I'd tried to eat.

But the Pepper Up potion she'd given me hadn't worked.

That was when she asked me if I'd had sex with a wizard.

"What does it matter?" I demanded after throwing up the potion.

She sighed. "I forget you're Muggle raised," she sighed. "Listen, Potter," she said, "wizards get pregnant, just like any other woman in this world. The odds are far slimmer and only a wizard can impregnate another wizard, but without the proper precautions, it is a possibility. Now, I need to know, have you had sex with a wizard?"

Ashamed, I looked away and nodded. I wanted to tell her who had done it and why and that I hadn't agreed to it, but Malfoy's threat rang clear in my ears.

I'll kill Granger...

I stayed quiet as Madam Pomfrey preformed a pregnancy test.

"Well, Potter," she said when she'd finished, "the tests are positive. You'll have a baby boy sometime near early December, I think. May I ask who your partner is?"

I shook my head and felt myself cry again.

"Merlin, boy, what is it?"

"Rape," I whispered rushing out of the infirmary. I couldn't take this. Malfoy had wanted to teach me a lesson, but he didn't have to do this. He didn't have to....

Pomfrey came out yelling for me to return, but I ignored her.

A son.... I was only sixteen years old and I was faced with the prospect of a child.

What should I do?

Malfoy saw me. He cornered me.

"Have you learned your lesson?" he demanded. "Or shall I give you another one?"

"You've done enough," I growled through my tears. I could feel more come and I tried to force them back, but to no avail. They spilled.

"With that tone, I don't think I have," he replied, his voice full of mock-concern. "Let's see, where shall our next lesson take place?"

"How about the infirmary?" I asked. "Next month when I go to see how your son is?"

Malfoy froze and stared at me, stunned. "Get rid of it," he ordered.

That was when I knew I had to keep him.

"You can fucking go to hell," I spat. "I'm not getting rid of him.

Malfoy shrugged. "Suit yourself then," he said. He waked away, and I went to the tower.

"Are you better?" Hermione asked as I sat down. "What was wrong?"

"Just the flu," I lied.

"Are you hungry?" she asked. "You've been sick for days, you can't have kept much down. Ron's waiting for us in the Great Hall."

I shook my head. "I'm still a bit queasy," I said. "Go on without me."

I watched her go then went up stairs. I knew I would have to tell her and Ron eventually, but that would mean that I would have to tell them I was raped.

It was the end of May, just before the start of the summer holidays that I noticed the look Hermione had on her face. I recognized it. It was the look I had on my face whenever I remembered.

When she told me her story...I knew I'd never be able to look at her in the same way again.

Then I told her my story.

Then Andrew Kirke told us about him and his son.

Hermione, in all her knowledge, did not know that a wizard could become pregnant.

"My son will be three this fall," he said, "and every time I look at him, I see the fucker who did that to me."

"Guess it could be a lot worse," I said after he left. "We could both end up like him...." Outside I was pretending that everything was fine. Inside I felt that baby inside of me and I knew that I would end up like Andrew one day.

"But we won't," Hermione said. "After all, we've got one last summer ahead of us and then we're free, right?"

I hesitated, then forced myself to agree. "Right," I lied. I would never be allowed to forget. Not now....

"Harry?"

She saw through it. She knew I was lying.

I looked up and met her eyes, trying to tell her everything without saying a word.

"It wasn't just the Dursleys was it?" she asked softly.

I shook my head, feeling the shame wash over me again.

"Are you?" She couldn't even finish the question, but there was only one possible question she could be asking. I nodded. Yes, I am pregnant.

"A while back, March fifth, I was out wondering around at night. I was up at the Astronomy Tower, wondering why I still fought. Malfoy...."

And so she knew. And she would be the only one who knew the identity of the other father.

She pitied me. I could see it in her eyes. When she reached across the table to hold my hand, I couldn't take it anymore.

I left her at the table while I made my way over to the window. I looked out and saw Sirius and I wondered why he had to die. Why couldn't he have saved me from this?

"He said it was because I deserved it," I whispered, watching the sky pale to gray. "For putting all those Death Eaters into Azkaban.

"I may never have to face the Dursleys again, but I'll never escape Malfoy. Not now, not ever.

Hermione persuaded me to go to Dumbledore about the Dursleys. I went, but only as long as she promised she would tell him about her stepfather. For the first time, he didn't force either of us to go home.

I told Ron when he and his family arrived at Number 12.

"Who?" he demanded.

"I can't tell you that, mate," I said softly, looking at the floor at his feet.

"And why not?"

"He said he'd kill Hermione," I whispered. Hermione gasped and put her hands over her mouth. I had never told her that.

I used concealment charms on myself to hide it from the school. Dumbledore made me Head Boy so I could have my own room for when the baby did finally come.

Hermione was with me every step of the way, covering for me when needed, going with me to visit Pomfrey, letting me know if my charms were working or not....

December fifth rolled around. Exactly ten months after Malfoy raped me. Justice was born that night. Pomfrey actually laughed when she saw that it was a girl, not a boy.

"Can I ask you something, Harry?" Hermione asked, watching Justice sleep.

"Hmm?" I asked, half-asleep myself.

"Can I be her mother?"

Fully awake after that question, I looked up at her confused. "You would do that?" I asked. "You would be the mother to a child fathered by one of the people you hated most?"

"She's not Malfoy's daughter, Harry," she said softly, running her finger along Justice's cheek. "She's yours, and you're my best friend, Harry, and I don't want you to go through this alone.

"Besides, I don't think I'll ever have any children of my own...."

"Why wouldn't you?" I asked.

"Because of how young I was," she said. "Because the very idea of sex makes me cringe. Hence the reason Viktor and I are no longer speaking to each other."

"I don't think Ron would like this very much," I said with a slight chuckle.

She laughed slightly. "No, I don't either. Is that a yes then?"

I hesitated, but I agreed. She obviously wanted this, especially since she asked for it. I couldn't exactly find a reason to say no...

"Can I ask you one more thing?" she asked.

"What?" I asked, slightly wearily.

"Can I marry you?"

"What?" I asked, shocked. "Why?"

"You're letting me be her mother, Harry, why not? And I can't stand my last name, it belongs to Ted, and...I love you, Harry. I really do. These past few months have made me see how much you really mean to me, especially since it's given me a chance to see a side of you that no one knows about."

I was shocked, but I couldn't see a reason to say no.

So I said yes.

That was when I realized that Sirius didn't have to save me. Hermione was doing a damn good job of it on her own.