Not Your Fault

Not Your Fault

I'm a hollow shell really. No one seems to realize this though. I don't understand why. If you ask me, it's pretty obvious that someone who drowns themselves in books is screaming that they're not happy. All that person wants is a friend. Someone or something to take the time that has nothing else to be used for. All a person like m wants is someone to sit down and ask about my day, even if I do seem a bit standoffish at times.

It's what I've wanted for ages.

I'm sure that Harry would understand. After all, I see in his eyes what I see every time I look into a mirror. Longing. Sure, we're all here for each other, but--really, is Ron that great of a conversationalist?

I couldn't talk to him even if I wanted to. He doesn't know sadness like Harry and I do. Neither of them know, and I'd rather keep it that way, but...sadness is in a person's eyes. Even Dumbledore, whose eyes are always twinkling, has sadness in those blue depths.

I'm not downplaying Ron's troubles or anything, after all, I know he's had his fair share of heart ache--look at Ginny and Arthur for Merlin's sake, but he doesn't know the same.... Ron could have lost both his father and his sister, but the point is that he didn't.

Harry and I on the other hand....

It's been six years to the day. The intense brooding on my part is the only clue anyone has. My dad dead...my mother married to his murderer.... Dear Merlin, how could she have done this to me?

It all happened so fast. I was in the hospital, they had originally thought I was in the car that had hit my dad, but then realized what had happened. They told my mom I had been raped and she asked me about it, but Ted--before I knew who he was--told me that if I said one word he'd come for me. I lied and said that nothing had happened, that I was in the car with Daddy.... If only I'd been able to tell her then....

She and Ted married the day I got out of the hospital. That was when I met him for the first time. Mum had never brought him by the hospital when she came to see me, but she'd told me all about hi. What I had heard, I had liked, but I hadn't known it was him.

He did it again when they came back from their honeymoon. I guess he'd grown tired of older women and wanted young blood again.

When my mom got pregnant, the rapes intensified.

When my sister turned five, I heard a scream coming from her room. After that, Ted left me alone.

My mother thought she'd had a nightmare and that Ted was with her to calm her down.

I endured five years of horror.

I would tell my mother, but every time I try, I can't get it out. In some ways, I don't even want my mother to know.

"Hermione!"

I jumped. "What?" I asked.

"Are you all right?" Harry asked. "I've been trying to get your attention for ages!"

"Sorry," I sighed. "I was thinking."

"What about?" Harry asked. "By the look on your face, it wasn't good."

I shook my head. 'Not good' was an understatement. I decided that I needed an escape. "You wouldn't understand," I said softly, picking up my schoolbooks. Somehow, I sincerely doubted my words.

"Try me," Harry said sincerely. "Did Viktor do something to you?"

I could have laughed at the question. Harry had always been jealous of Viktor, but, unlike Ron, he knew that he was just a friend.

"No," I answered shortly. "He hasn't done anything. And he never will for that matter."

"Why?" Harry asked. "Have you two stopped talking to each other?"

"For the most part yes," I sighed. I had visited Viktor in Bulgaria for Christmas and well...he tried to rape me, just as Ted had, but the good thing about being seventeen already is that there is no restriction and I was able to use magic to defend myself. Something I never had with Ted.

"Then what is it?"

"Nothing," I lied. I picked up my books from the table and went up to my dormitory.

"Hey, 'Mione," Lavender said brightly. "You going to bed?"

I dropped my books onto my trunk and looked up at my bedside table where a picture of my mom, sister, and I sat on the steps to our house.

Harry would understand. Harry would know.

"No," I said, answering Lavender's question.

It's time to shed some light on a six-year-old secret.

"You and Parvarti can have the dorm tonight," I said. "If I do actually end up sleeping tonight, I'll take one of the couches in the common room."

Lav smiled slightly. "You're the greatest," she said, giving me a hug.

When I went back down to the common room, it was to find Harry right where I had left him. The only difference was that he was rigid with fury and his hands were clenched into fists so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"Harry?" I asked, not sure if I should confront him or not.

"I thought you were going to bed," he said, visibly forcing himself to relax.

"What's wrong?" I asked sitting down in the chair I had vacated earlier.

"Nothing."

I knew him well enough to know he was lying. I also knew him well enough to know that he knew I had lied earlier.

"I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours," I said, realizing that we both needed to shed light on deep, dark secrets.

"You don't want to know my story, Hermione," he said flatly.

"You probably don't want to hear mine either, but obviously we're both bothered enough to lie."

"You first then."

Typical. Harry never opened up unless I pried him open.

But it was hard to get the words out. How do you say something like that? Do you just say it? Or do you ease into it? And how to you tell someone who has known you for so long that they know everything but this and you know nothing will ever be the same again?

"I wasn't born a Granger," I said softly, choosing to ease my way into it. "My father's name was Birbridge. He died in a car accident when I was nine.

"The other driver plowed into my father's car on purpose. He walked away without a scratch.

"He saw me, walking home from school--my father had been on his way to pick me up. He knew exactly who I was, though I'd never seen him before that day....

"He raped me, left me for dead, then married my mum. They made me take his name. Said that it would make us more of a family if we all had the same last name...."

I was silent for a moment, seeing the shock on Harry's face plainly.

"So what about you?" I asked, realizing I had been crying. I wiped away my tears on my sleeve. "What's your story?"

Harry closed his eyes momentarily.

"When I was five," he said softly, "I was raped for the first time."

"The first time?" I asked, making sure I had heard him correctly.

Harry nodded. "By my uncle. And my cousin."

I wanted to say something, but Harry looked like he wouldn't be able to say any more if I interrupted. I gave him the same courtesy he had given me. I stayed quiet.

"My stupid pedophile uncle," he said softly. "It's an almost nightly thing," he said. "My cousin's gay and...I don't know, I guess I'm the only piece of ass he gets, even if it is by force."

"What are the odds?" I asked after the silence grew. "What are the odds that two rape victims would become friends without knowing how much they had in common?"

Harry shrugged. "Don't know," he answered. "Not high, at least I don't think it's high. Could be though...."

As long as Ron isn't revealed to have some story like ours, I think I'll be fine. At least our rapists are Muggle and we won't ever have to deal with them again.

Then again, I had thought that being a better student would make it all stop.

"It's why I devoted my time to my studies, you know? I thought that if I was doing good in school, I'd never have to worry about it."

"And the dentist thing?" Harry asked. "Is that true?"

I chuckled. "Actually it is," I said. "Ted went to school with my mum, that's who they met. They opened a practice together just before they married."

I stopped talking, unable to say any more at the moment.

"You don't have to do this," Harry said softly, reaching out his hand to cover mine. "You know that, don't you?"

I nodded. Yes, I knew that I didn't have to tell him everything. "But I want to," I said. And besides, how often do we get the entire common room all to ourselves?"

The silence grew as we retreated into ourselves once more.

"Do you think they were..."

"Having an affair?" I asked. There was only one possible question he could be asking. We both nodded. "I'm sure of it," I said. "I had never bet him before that day 1and when I actually met him, he and my mother were far closer than old college friends and business partners, you know?" I asked, not really sure why.

Harry shook his head. "The only real betrayal I know is Wormtail," he said softly, looking out the windows. "And, of course, my uncle's."

"Does your aunt know?" I asked.

Harry sighed heavily. "No," he answered. "She pampered Dudley so much that if she knew she'd never let him out of her sight. Not something my overgrown, leather wearing, smoking cousin wanted. Uncle Vernon told me that he'd never let me leave if I ever said anything, and he told Dudley that he'd never spend another penny on him if he ever said anything. He knew exactly what buttons to push with both of us."

"I was threatened with death, you were threatened with your freedom, and your cousin was threatened with money.... The things these people do to keep us all quiet...."

"Dudley wouldn't have said anything anyway," Harry revealed.

"What?" I asked. "Why?"

"He liked it too much," Harry said softly. "My uncle wasn't my only rapist, Hermione," he said. "Dudley is gay, always has been. And his favorite fuck is me."

"Oh Harry," I whispered.

Harry looked away from me and turned to the fireplace where the ashes were now cold. I felt like crying.

"How long has this been happening to you?" I asked in a whisper.

"Ever since I was five," Harry said, clearing his throat. "The only time I haven't known it was the beginning of summer between first and second year. They didn't know I wasn't allowed to do magic, so they were all afraid of me; Uncle Vernon and Dudley more so than Aunt Petunia, all things considered. But the night they found out...I thought I was going to die, it hurt so badly. It was worse than it was the first time, or at least if I remember correctly."

I remembered well, the first time Ted had his hands on me. I felt like I was going to be ripped apart. I couldn't believe that no one was going to save me.

It wasn't until after the magic I had shown earlier in life kept him away from me. I suppose if you're desperate enough....

"Does it still happen?" Harry asked.

"Not to me," I said softly. "But I've got a younger sister that it happens to now, and I'm sure he does it to his patients. He does take in the children after all.

"You?" I asked, feeling as though I already knew the answer.

He nodded. "It starts the night I get home," Harry confessed. "Dudley will say he's going to spend the night at his best mate's house and he'll take me out to the back yard shed. The walls are soundproof--Uncle Vernon did that before he started with us. He'll start at night and continue until after noon the next day at times. Uncle Vernon knows, but I think if Aunt Petunia did, she'd blame me."

"It's not your fault, you know that don't you?"

Harry and I looked up to see Andrew Kirke, a seventh year Chaser on the Quidditch team. He was looking at us with a sad, yet knowing, expression on his face.

"How would you know?" Harry demanded, almost angrily.

Andrew sat down at the table with us.

"Look, you don't really know me, I'm just another bloke on the team, and so you probably don't trust me all that much, seeing as I'm only a year older than you and can't possibly know that much more. Truth here is that you're not the only two rape victims in this tower, and Merlin knows you're not the only two in this school. I happen to know that Professor Snape is a victim as well. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. The point I'm trying to make is that it is not your fault. You didn't hold up a sign that said 'Here I am, take me.' The person to blame is the person who did this to you. I got lucky, I suppose. I've only been raped once and I put him in Azkaban.

"But here's where my luck ends. The asshole got me pregnant. Yes," he said at my gasp of surprise, "men do get pregnant. My son will be three this fall and every time I look at him, I see the fucker who did that to me.

"But it's not my fault. And it's not Todd's fault either. In fact, that baby's been the best thing to ever happen to me.

"I'm not saying that it gets easier. I'm not saying that you get over it. What I am saying is that you can't go on blaming yourself for something you had no control over.

"Anyway, I'm done. Just don't tell anyone what I told you, please. I don't' want the whole school knowing."

Harry and I nodded and Andrew got up. "Oh," he said before he walked away. "So you're not worried about turning out like me, Harry, in order for a wizard to get pregnant, he has to have sex with another wizard. It doesn't work with Muggles, so you're safe." He walked away then, leaving us in silence.

"I guess it could be a lot worse," Harry said softly. "We could both end up like him."

I noticed that Harry had an odd note to his voice as he said this. It was almost as if he were hiding something....

"But we won't," I said, acting as though I hadn't heard anything. "After all, we've got one last summer ahead of us and then we're free, right?"

Harry was silent for a split second. "Right," he agreed.

There was definitely something wrong. He didn't sound as sure as he should be.

"Harry?" I asked.

He looked up and met my eyes. That was when I knew.

"It wasn't just the Dursleys, was it?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly. He shook his head. "Are you?" I asked.

He nodded.

"A while back, March fifth, I was out wondering around at night. I was up in the Astronomy Tower, wondering why I still fought. Malfoy..." his voice faded and he didn't have to say another word.

I reached across the table and held his hand. He stood up and pulled his hand away. He walked over to the window and stared out at the graying sky.

"He said that it was because I deserved it," Harry whispered. "For putting all those Death Eaters into Azkaban.

"I may never have to face the Dursleys again, but I'll never be able to escape Malfoy. Not now, not ever."

"When are you due?"

"Either the end of November or the beginning of December. Madam Pomfrey's not sure yet."

"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?"

Harry nodded. "Boy," he said. "And I have no idea what I'm going to do with him."

"If I can help you, Harry, I will," I promised, walking over to him. When I reached him, I was surprised to see that he was crying. I think it's the first time I've ever seen Harry cry.

I pulled him into a hug and, this time, he didn't pull away from me.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"You two are up early," came the groggy voice of our rather innocent best friend. I turned towards Ron as Harry turned back to the window to dry his tears before facing Ron. Men...they always have to be so macho.

"I guess so," I said, looking at Harry.

"How about breakfast?" Ron asked, oblivious as always to anything other than his stomach. I guess in this case, Ron's thick-headedness is truly a godsend.