Neutral Tones

Neutral Tones

When the girl of your dreams is slipping through your fingers, do you try to cling on or should you just let her go?

We stood by a pond that winter day,

And the sun was white, as though chidden of God,

And a few leaves lay on the starving sod;

-They had fallen from the ash, and were gray.

Your eyes on me were eyes that rove

Over tedious riddles of years ago;

And some words played between us to and fro

-On which lost the more by our love.

The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing

Alive enough to have strength to die;

And a grin of bitterness swept thereby

Like an ominous bird a-wing...

Since then, keen lessons that love deceives,

And wrings with wrong, have shaped to me

Your face, and the God-curst sun, and a tree,

And a pond edged with grayish leaves.

~ Neutral Tones, by Thomas Hardy, 1898.

I felt as if my whole world was crumbling around me, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening. I had tried so hard to make her understand, and she, in turn, had tried to understand me. A friendship that had lasted five years, that had blossomed into love in the last year, was now in tatters. Everything was against my relationship with Lily Evans, and I knew it. I just hadn't expected to end quite so suddenly.

"Lily? Lily, please talk to me!" I was pleading with her, trying to make her see that I still loved her, no matter what. It shouldn't have mattered what I had become, or at least, what I was about to come. My master would soon need me, but I could still be there for Lily. She hadn't listened. Not really. She'd said she understood, but I knew different. From the moment I told her, Lily had changed. She was no longer my Lily. Her face was a frozen mask; her smile cold, her eyes glazed with sadness.

"What am I supposed to say? What do you want me to do? I've tried, Sev, really I have." She was whispering, and I could tell she was in pain. It hurt me too, but I was doing my duty. The Dark Arts was what I lived for and if it meant giving myself fully to the Dark Lord, it was a risk I was willing to take. But losing Lily?

"I don't know," I mumbled, and it was the truth. "All I know is that the time will come, Lily, when I will join the Dark Lord. I will be powerful. I will prove myself, once and for all."

Her bottom lip quivered and her eyes grew wet. I reached out a shaking hand to comfort her, but she stiffened at my touch. I dropped my arm and half turned away from her. I could never look at her when she was like that.

"Just tell me one thing," she sobbed. "Do you love me?"

I turned to face her and my heart broke to see her looking so vulnerable. "How can you even ask me that? I've always loved you, Lily!"

She whipped her eyes and croaked: "Oh, really? If you loved me so much, you'd do anything for me!"

Lost for words, I simply gazed at her.

"Would you do anything for me, Severus?"

Without thinking, I replied: "Of course. Anything."

"Don't do it," she cried, in a rush. "Forget about him. Forget about the Dark Arts. Just stay with me!" She collapsed in front of my feet, overcome with emotion. I hesitated for a mere second, then sank to my knees and wrapped my arms around her.

"I can't."

She began to cry again, her tears staining my robes. My own tears mixing with hers, I laid my cheek against her hair. We sat like that for a very long time.

"We can still be together, Lily. If you could just..." I trailed off, knowing in my heart, just what the reply would be.

"No."

She untangled herself and rose to her feet. I scrambled to my own. She gave me one final pleading gaze, which I could not return.

I wanted to say something more, but didn't know what, so kept quiet. She did not speak either. We just stood.

Then she exhaled slowly. Turned, and walked slowly away. It was as if she was inviting me to call after her, or follow, yet we both knew I would do neither. I let her go, although it was never what I had wanted. I could only hope that it was the right thing to do. As I had told her, I would have done anything for her.