Loving Lupin

    "What I don't understand, Headmaster, is what exactly she was doing down there," hissed a low, greasy voice. "Do you have any..."

    "No, Severus," said a stronger, firmer voice. "I do not have any idea why she might have been there. But we cannot be suspicious. Hermione is a very able student. I'm sure she has a good reason."

    Hermione's eyes fluttered open suddenly. She saw two figures meshed together, but as everything became lighter and more focused, she realized it was actually Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape in deep conversation. Then everything came rushing back: Lupin as a werewolf, Snape, the Memory Charm...

    "She will be duely punished, however... Correct?" inquired Snape. "Sneaking around the school... using illegal Aging Potion..."

    "You gave them that potion, Severus," said Dumbledore drily. "I can hardly punish her for using something you gave her."

    Snape scowled bitterly. The main reason he gave out the Aging Potions freely was to see if he could tempt Gryffindors into trouble. It often worked, as it showed in Hermione's case, but Dumbledore almost never let him take points away from the houses for it.

    "Professor?" said Hermione weakly, allowing herself to be discovered as awake.

    "Miss Granger," said the Headmaster sympathetically. "How are you feeling?"

    Snape crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at Hermione with intense dislike. Hermione glanced at him uncomfortably, and Dumbledore must have noticed, because he added, "Severus, would you leave us for a few moments?"

    Snape smiled bitterly and stalked out, the door swinging behind him.

    "Now, Miss Granger..."

    "I'm fine, Professor. Where is Professor Lupin? Is he hurt? Is he going to hurt other students?"

    "He was fortunately Stupefied by Professor Snape," explained Dumbledore calmly. "He will not attack anymore students tonight, but everyone has been put on alert."

    "Will he..." Hermione swallowed. "Will he be fired?"

    "I don't know, Hermione," replied Professor Dumbledore gravely. "What happened tonight is a serious incident. You could have died from your wounds."

    "Oh, but I'm fine, Professor!" gasped Hermione, her hands running over her bandaged neck. "I'm fine! There's really no need to fire him, honestly..."

    Dumbledore gave her a very odd look, one that almost felt like his blue eyes were radiating her very soul. At that moment, she realised something: He knew. The look of wisdom in his eyes told her that he must know.

    "You shouldn't worry about it, Miss Granger," he said gently. "Just try to get some sleep."

    At that moment, Professor Snape slipped back into the room, a horrible sneer on his face. Hermione put on a look of false cheeriness and smiled at him.

    "Tell me, Professor... How is it you recognised me with the Aging Potion?" she asked, her eyes wide with polite interest. For once, Hermione was genuinelly curious... After all, once she had performed the Memory Charm on him, he should have thought she was Jeanie James again.

    Snape snorted. "How could I not recognise you? A few drops of Aging Potion could not fool me."

    Funny, thought Hermione, a small smile curling across her face. You certainly didn't notice before, did you?

            * * *

    After being released from the hospital several days later, Hermione sought out Professor Lupin. He hadn't been to breakfast since the incident, nor had he been in class.

    She found him in his office, his belongings sprawled across a long wooden table, his battered suitcase nearby.

    "You've been fired?" she blurted out without warning.

    Lupin gasped loudly and clutched his chest, his eyebrows twitching. "My goodness, Miss Granger, you startled me! But no, I have not been fired. I am resigning."

    Something's changed, she thought. He never calls me Miss Granger. Never.

    "Again?" said Hermione unhappily, watching him sadly throw papers into his bag.

    "Yes, again, I'm afraid," he sighed, putting the last of his belongings into the suitcase and closing it with a snap. "My irresponsibility the other night was horrendous. I thought I could give myself another chance after what happened my first time as a teacher here. Obviously, I cannot be trusted."

    "How can you say that about yourself, Remus?" whispered Hermione, her eyes welling with tears. "I don't want you to resign. Please, stay!" She stepped towards him and laid her hand on his arm.

    To her surprise, he jerked away from her. Hermione's lip trembled as she faced the inevitable. Lupin no longer loved her, or even if he did, he didn't want to see her anymore.

    "What happened between you and I, Hermione, was wrong," he said finally, after a long, terrible silence. "I still can't believe I condoned my--our-- behaviour. You are a student. I am a teacher."

    "But... I love you," she said softly, the tears trickling down her face.

    "Please," he choked, suddenly sounding as if he would cry. "Don't..." His voice faded.

    "So, you're just going to leave?" said Hermione, her voice trembling. "Just like that?"

    "I have no other choice," he told her, frowning. "I have committed two wrongs. First, I allowed myself to become involved with a student. Second, I hurt you. I'm sorry," he added in a low voice.

    "I don't care about you hurting me. I know it was an accident," she blubbered. "I just don't want you to leave."

    "I'm sorry, Hermione," he said again. "But I must go. You understand, don't you?" He cupped her chin in his hand, and for a moment, Hermione felt as if they were together again. "Don't you?" he repeated.

    Hermione couldn't speak; her throat had constricted with emotion. She simply squeezed her eyes shut and nodded, trying to let the truth sink in. Professor Lupin is leaving. Remus is leaving. My love is leaving...

    "Kiss me one more time, Remus," pleaded Hermione. "Before you leave."

    Lupin shook his head tightly. "No more, Hermione."

    She wriggled out of his grasp and threw him a devastated look. She wanted to say goodbye, but the words just wouldn't come out. Why was he doing this to her? Didn't he understand that she loved him, truly and deeply? Why...?

    "Wait!" called Lupin. "WAIT!"

    "What is it?" croaked Hermione, turning on her heel and avoiding eye contact with Lupin.

    "Come here," said Lupin weakly. "Quickly."

    Hermione took several tentative steps towards him, staring up at him with curious eyes. He smiled sadly down at her.

    "Well?" snapped Hermione, feeling emotionally as if she would fall apart any moment.

    "Give me your hand," he said softly.

    Mystified, Hermione held out his hand. He kissed it softly, then pulled a small, golden ring off his own finger and slipped it onto hers. Hermione went into a fresh onslaught of tears as she ran her finger over it. There were three golden letters, all intertwined: RJL.

    "Just so that you can remember," explained Lupin in a low, comforting voice. "You can remember if you wish to. If you don't, then you may return it."

    "I'll remember, Remus," mumbled Hermione. "I always will."

    Lupin was silent for a moment before he spoke. "Let me hold you, Hermione. Just one last time."

    Hermione practically flew into his arms at this request. Professor Lupin enveloped her tightly while Hermione buried her face in his neck. They stayed in this embrace for a moment before breaking apart for the last time.

    "Goodbye, Hermione," said Lupin heavily. "Good luck with your future endeavors."

    "Goodbye, Professor," whispered Hermione.

    Lupin nodded one last time, then was gone, leaving Hermione alone in his empty office.

            * * *

    On her way back from Lupin's, Hermione literally bumped into Ron Weasley, her old best friend. To her surprise, he wasn't accompanied by Harry, but alone. As she bumped into him, a whole load of books he'd been holding cascaded onto the floor.

    "Oh, Ron, I'm sorry," she blurted out, kneeling to help him pick up the books. "I just wasn't paying attention, and I..."

    "It's all right," said Ron uncomfortably. "Er... How are you?"

    "I'm all right," she replied, taken aback by his question. She had expected him to be angry with her, since he'd been acting hostile towards her ever since the whole Lupin fiasco.

    "No, I mean, really," he said seriously, staring at her. "Harry and I would've come to visit you, but we weren't sure how you'd take it... We didn't know if you were angry at us or not..."

    "I'm not angry," mumbled Hermione. "I'm just stupid."

    "No, you're not!" snapped Ron, taking her arm and helping her to her feet. "You're not at all. Why do you say things like that?"

    "It's all my fault that Professor Lupin is resigning. If I hadn't asked him to meet me, he would have gotten his Wolfsbane Potion, and everything would have been fine. He wouldn't be leaving," she added tearfully.

    "Hermione..." He shifted from foot to foot. "It's not your fault. I mean, it was dumb that you had to go and see him... But if it wasn't you he attacked, it might have been someone else."

    Hermione shrugged indifferently. "Maybe you're right, but I still feel awful."

    "You're staying for holiday break, aren't you?" asked Ron hopefully.

    "You mean you want me to?" asked Hermione in disbelief.

    Ron turned bright red. "Of course I do!" he muttered fiercly.

    "So you're not angry with me anymore?" exclaimed Hermione happily, grabbing his arm in excitement.

    "If you're not mad at me," said Ron, a half-smile lighting up his previously dull face.

    "I'm not," murmured Hermione.

    Ron grinned at her. "C'mon, let's go see Harry. He's in a dreadful state about you, you know."

    "Ron, I've just been thinking about--" Harry stopped short as both Ron and Hermione climbed through the portrait hole. "Oh... Hello?" Harry blinked at her, not quite taking all of it in.

    "Harry, I'm really sorry," she blurted out suddenly. "I honestly am. It's just that I thought..."

    "It's all right, Hermione," replied Harry wearily. "I'm just glad you're all right. You're okay, right?"

    "Yes, I'm fine," said Hermione truthfully. If they were talking physically, she was fine. Emotionally... She was in shambles.

    "Are you going to the Yule Ball, Hermione?" asked Ron anxiously.

    She blinked. "Not that I really want to... It's sort of a silly tradition... But I suppose I'll go. Why?"

    "We thought you might not want to," muttered Ron.

    "Why wouldn't I?" she asked, genuinely curious.

    Ron and Harry exchanged glances. Hermione realised that something serious was up. When neither of them spoke, she asked them the same question again.

    "Why wouldn't I?"

    "Well," said Harry after a long pause, "people have been curious as to why you were at Lupin's that late at night. So, obviously, some people have formed their own theories..."

    Hermione's heart sank to her toes. Formed their own theories. She knew right there and then what that meant.

    "I'll go anyway," decided Hermione finally. "What's to stop me? I don't care what other people think."

    "That's the spirit, Hermione," said Ron encouragingly.

    She smiled at him, but it was a forced smile; she felt instead like throwing herself upon the floor and sobbing. How could she stand going to the Yule Ball and not seeing her dear Professor? So much has happened already, thought Hermione. It's barely three months into the school year and already I've ruined everything.

    "I think I'll go to my dorm," said Hermione after no one else spoke.

    "Goodnight!" chorused the two boys.

    They don't understand, thought Hermione. They simply don't understand at all. Lupin is lost. And if he's lost, so am I.