The Practical Joke

Ron and Harry were off at a Quidditch match, so Hermione had no one better than Lavender and Parvati to hang out with. The three sat sprawled out on the cold floor of the girls' dorm, make-up and clothing strewn about, creating a cornucopia of color.

"Oooh!" Parvati squealed, pointing to a picture of the Quidditch team, "He's so cute!"

"I know!" said Lavender dreamily, "He has the most adorable dimples!"

"Who's so cute?" said Hermione, looking up from her book.

"Duh!" said Parvati, growing annoyed with Hermione's ignorance of cute boys, "Fred Weasley!"

"Just Fred?" she grinned, "They're identical! What about George?"

"Fred has a better personality," said Lavender with a sigh.

"Okay..." said Hermione, getting up. She could probably get more work done in the library.
***
"Are you serious?" said Fred, his eyes lighting up as if he'd just seen Fillibuster Fireworks for half-price.

"Yup," said Hermione, "Looks like you've got your own fifth-year fan club."

"They have to be crazy," thought Hermione. Fred Weasley wasn't exactly what she would call fanciable. He was somewhat short, stocky, almost oafish, really. And he had played as many cruel jokes as he had freckles.

"Just don't do anything too mean," said Hermione stiffly. Even though she wasn't exactly "jiggy" with Lavender and Parvati, it was still unacceptable for Fred to do something that would hurt their feelings. At the primary school she had attended before Hogwarts, the boy she fancied called her "Buck-toothed Hermio-monster." That had led to her great metaphysical philosophy, "Boys suck."

Just then, Lavender, red-faced, giggling, pigtails falling out, came rushing up to Fred and handed him a letter. It read, "Parvati likes you. Do you like her? Circle one: yes/no."

Hermione sat contently in front of the common room fire, her back hot from the flames. She glanced from her Arithmancy homework over to Ron, who was studying next to her. He must have been working very hard, because his tongue was sticking out slightly, like it did whenever he was concentrating. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, making it stick out messily. She sighed; Ron was adorable.

"What am I doing?" she thought as she returned to her homework. It was stupid looking at Ron like that--like an adorable boy and not her best friend. She felt an overpowering urge to break the silence, "Hey Ron."

"Mmm?" said Ron, not looking up from his homework, which annoyed Hermione, because her parents, honorable dentists, had always taught her to look someone in the eye when you're speaking to them. But she couldn't help but smile because Ron's tongue was still sticking out.
"Parvati fancies Fred!"

"WHAT?" said Ron, his face illuminating with shock, "Someone fancies FRED?"

"Must be that old Weasley charm."

Ron laughed, then Hermione realized what she had just said. What if Ron took it the wrong way? But then again, she had just been analyzing Ron's cuteness.

"Hey guys!" said a beaming Fred.

"Come up with any plans yet?" said Ron.

"Of course!" Fred replied.

"Just don't do anything mean!" said Hermione in a mum voice, "Because I fancied a boy once, but all he ever did was yell at me."

She wasn't quite sure whether she was talking about the boy from primary school or Ron. Fred, on the other hand, knew perfectly well whom she was referring to. He looked from Hermione to Ron and grinned. They, of course, would be the targets of future practical jokes, but now he had to focus on Parvati. A tidal wave of giggles poured out from the portrait hole, and Fred turned to see Parvati, her face crimson, her ears violet. He quickly jogged over to her, came to one knee, and crooned,

"Oh, my dearest Parvati, I feared for so long that my love for thou was unrequited, but now I am happy--happier than the happiest happy thing that ever lived a happy, happy life."

"I'll bet she's gonna think twice before getting a crush on Fred again," whispered Ron to Hermione as Fred transfigured his holey sock into the ugliest bouquet of flowers that anyone had ever seen. From most sources, Hermione had heard that one always wants what one can't have, so she, Fred, and just about the whole world had expected Parvati to recoil in fear at Fred reciprocating her feelings. Instead, she grinned, accepted the ugly flowers, and hugged him.

Fred is not a hugging person.

"Um," said Fred, eyebrows rising, looking away from Parvati, "What are you two doing?"

Hermione and Ron, laughing hysterically, were still on the floor, Ron on top of Hermione. They were gazing fixedly at each other, and it seemed to Fred that they didn't quite notice what position they were in and how odd it would look to McGonagall if she walked in at that moment. Hermione managed to stop laughing for a second and whispered, "Um, Ron, you're crushing me."

"Right-o mate," said Ron, rolling over onto his back, then realized that he had just said "right-o mate."

"Um," said Fred, "Perhaps you didn't hear me, kiddos. Ronny, why were you on top of Hermione."

Ron ran his hands through his hair nervously, "I dunno...It just kind of...happened."

"Ronny, don't you know that Bill was one of those things that 'just kind of happened?"

Having succeeded in embarrassing Hermione and Ron in front of all of Gryffindor, Fred returned his attention to Parvati. The only time he had ever tried to kiss a girl was after the Yule Ball, and since his 'Weasley charm' made Angelina recoil in fear, Fred assumed that Parvati would have a similar reaction. He grabbed her by the waist and did his best to sweep her off her feet, quickly kissing her, expecting her to run away screaming. She threw him off course yet again. In fact, Fred found that he didn't want to break off the kiss.

"Why am I snogging a girl?" thought Fred, "I'm a Weasley twin! Weasley twins don't snog girls!"

But then his mind wandered yet again to the Yule Ball. George seemed perfectly keen to snog Alicia, so Fred supposed that snogging Parvati wasn't completely illegal. But why was he enjoying it? Up until now, he would rather throw dungbombs at girls than kiss them.

"Well," said George, causing Fred to reluctantly break off his kiss, "Looks like ickle Freddie has finally hit puberty...As for you, Ronny, there's no shame in being a late bloomer".
***
Instead of brooding over being embarrassed in front of all the Gryffindors twice in five minutes by his beloved brothers, Ron had something else to dominate his thoughts--Hermione. He saw the way she had looked at him while they were on the floor; was that wishful thinking? Maybe. Maybe not.

"Dude!" exclaimed George, bursting into the fifth year boy's dormitory.

"First the shagging, now the snogging? Ronny, didn't anyone teach you the concept of abstinence?" shouted George as Ron and Hermione were breaking off their kiss.

"Want me to hold him down for you?" said Hermione, grinning.

"That would make me happier than the happiest happy thing that ever lived a happy, happy life."

As they advanced on George, he began to squeal like a girl, "Aaah! Not the face! You can hit anywhere but the face!"

That was a mistake.
***

After "little Georgey" healed and Fred enchanted their instruments to play on key, the band was ready for their first rehearsal. It took place in the common room because it was legal to be there, and it would piss off McGonagall.

"Ok Ginny," said Fred, "You're a great bassist...but you just don't have the look we need for our band."

"If I did have the look for a band called 'The Snape Suckers,' I'd be worried," Ginny replied, trying to focus on tuning her bass and not on killing her brothers.

"Perhaps what my brother is trying to say, Gin," piped up George, "Is that if you wore a low-cut muggle shirt instead of your uniform, we'd sell more tickets."

"Now I'd have to disagree here," said Harry, who the twins had appointed as manager, "I think Ginny is just perfect how she is...er...I mean, she's a great bass player, and that's all that matters."

"Riiiight," said George, grinning from ear to ear, "Nice save lover-boy."

"Well, I guess it's okay, Harry," joked Fred, "Because it is customary for managers to marry their clients."

Harry blushed profusely and returned to his seat. Band practice continued, starting with "The Bitch Song." Unfortunately, Parvati came up to listen just as Fred was in the middle of the chorus.

"FRED!" she huffed, "I hope that song isn't about me!"

"No, babe," he replied, "It's about our love!"

"FRED! It's over!"

"What's over?" laughed George, "He's just messing with your head."

"Is that true Fred? Am I just a joke to you?"

Fred faced a dilemma--either his brother would mock him, or he would lose the only girl that ever let him kiss her. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out, and Parvati stormed out of the common room and out of Fred Weasley's life.

***

Fred didn't know what had come over him--he had never let girls bother him before. When Angelina decided that he was a git and that she fancied Lee Jordan, Fred didn't flinch. But now...now this strange emotion was washing over him. Could it be sadness? Fred had never been sad before.

There was only one thing he could do. He had ruined their relationship with a song, and now he was going to patch it up with one. Eyes sparkling, voice cracking, he began to write what he hoped would become the greatest power ballad of all time.

You tell me you're in love with me
That you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
It's not that I don't want to stay
But every time you come to close I move away
I wanna believe in everything that you say
Because it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move it slow
There's things about me you just have to know
Sometimes I run Sometimes I hide
sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night
baby all I need is time

With a song like that, she could never refuse his love!
***

Harry stared intently at Ginny. She was playing a really funky bass line, and every couple of seconds, her hair would fall in the way, and she'd have to pull it back. Harry sighed; it was such lovely hair, really strong and healthy.

"I wonder what shampoo she uses..." he thought to himself.

"Harry," said Ginny meekly, "What are you staring at? Am I playing all right?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing...You're great...I mean, that bass line's great...Never mind..."
***

Fred raced through the halls, parchment in his hand; he had to find Parvati. On his way, though his twin ran in to him.

"Great news Freddie!"

"Oh," Fred replied morosely, "What?"

"We've got our first gig! Isn't that great? We're playing at the Three Broomsticks tonight!"

"Yeah, that's fantastic...But what about Dumbledore and Professor Severus 'Wand up my Butt' Snape?"

"Don't worry, bro, I talked to Albus, and he said that it was all right as long as I stop calling him Albus and stop bewitching things to say "I suck. Snape sucks. Snape Suckers."

Fred laughed, "That's not half as bad as the sign I put up in the girl's loo."

George and Fred had seen a lot of disturbing things in their time, but this was by far the worst. There, on one of the fluffy common room chairs, sat Harry and Ginny, snogging.

"What the..." murmured Fred, using his gag reflex for the first time since he discovered that babies did not, in fact, come from the cabbage patch.

"POTTER!" George shouted, " We were joking about you snogging our sister! JOKING."

"Wha?" said Harry, pulling his mouth off of Ginny's.

"Dude!" screeched Fred, "You're snogging our sister! She's our sister! And you're snogging her! And she's our sister...ewww."

"I know..." said Harry, dazed, "She smells nice..."

"But DUDE! She's our sister! It's our duty as manly men to protect her!"

Ginny convulsed with laughter, "YOU, manly? I don't need protecting, anyway; I was the one who initiated the snogging."

Her brothers' jaws dropped, their eyes asking "why?"

"He was just so pathetic and--"

"I am NOT pathetic!"

"Harry, you were asking me whether I used Herbal Essences or Pantene ProV!"

"Ok, so I have an abnormal love of hair care," he said, running his hands through his thick, healthy black mane and continuing to snog Ginny. Twitching, the twins walked away.
***

"He's an idiot," said Parvati, crossing her arms, throwing her copy of Fred's song away, and turning away from a vexed Hermione.

"Well...I can't argue with you there," she replied, twisting herself around to face Parvati, "But the point is that he's our idiot, and I think we should be sensitive to his stupidity."

"I should be sensitive to him," she huffed, "When he doesn't give a flying puffskein about me?"

Hermione heaved a why-do-I-even-bother-I'd-much-rather-be-snogging-Ron-now sigh,

"That's where you're wrong. If you actually bothered to take a step out of this dorm room, you'd see what a mess he is--I mean, more messy than usual."

"I do love his sloppiness," she said with a twinkle in her eye, "And his blatant disregard for authority is so sex--"

"Please," Hermione gagged, "If you want to tell him, come down to the show with me."

"Oh no!" said Hermione, "A dark and mysterious figure! Whatever will we do?"

"Oh no!" said Parvati, "And there's no hottie to rescue us!"

Upon closer look, they noticed that the figure looming in the doorway was neither dark nor mysterious. Actually, he was very mysterious, if by mysterious you mean he makes girls want to toss their knickers at him. He was Draco Malfoy! And a very sexy Draco, indeed!

"Draco?" said Hermione, "How the hell did you get in here?"

He swooped down and kissed her passionately, a kiss that many, wizard and muggle alike, had fantasized about.

"Draco?" said Parvati, "Herm is going out with Ron!"

"Oh, I know," he replied in his usual drawl, "I just wanted to shake things up. Besides, I'm gay anyway."

Loud, terrible punk music filled the ears of the onlookers, who danced anyway because wizards like to get jiggy, even if the music is bad. Even worse than the grinding guitar work of George was Fred's singing, which sounded much like something out of the Exorcist. Really. It was that bad.

Parvati and Hermione shoved their way through the mosh pit of sweaty teenage wizards (most of who were screaming "You suck my world Snape Suckers!") up to the stage. Parvati waved sweetly at Fred, who blushed adorable and nearly messed up the vocals worse than he already had.

So everything turned out hunky dory, I guess. Well, everyone was happy except for Draco who was alone since the only other gay students at Hogwarts were Seamus and Dean, who had been going out since third year.

Fin.

***