Never Meant to Happen

"Sirius, you could have anybody you wanted, you do realize that, right?"

Sirius tried not to grin, tried not to smile. He didn't want anybody to know.

Nobody had seen that half smile that flitted across his face like a light in the darkness. Nobody had noticed that his hands had twitched unconsciously. Nobody had noticed that he was thinking of his love; the one he hated and adored with such a passion that nobody would ever know...

"Sirius?"

James's voice cut through the silence of his thoughts, and he jerked his head upwards, startled.

"You were miles away, my friend. Dreaming of some girl, are you?"

No, exactly the opposite, you twat, thought Sirius. But he smiled and nodded his head in false assent.

"I wish I was as cool as you, Sirius," whined Peter. "You're a dog, and I'm only a bloody rat!"

"Keep your voice down, Wormy," he replied, looking around the common room. The four of them were alone, the four Marauders. Sirius wished that he was somewhere else, preferably in his lover's arms, in the Slytherin common room. They could roll on the emerald green carpet and...

"Seriously, what's bothering you?"

Remus's friendly face was looking into his dark eyes. He wished that he could see the hint of green that showed at Remus's true identity. With all that was running through his head, Sirius was in the mood for a fight, or at least a bit of a rough tackle.

He knew that he would be questioned later - Remus had been the boy that he'd first had gay sex with, so they were usually very close.

Sirius didn't know how to tell him about this, however. This was astounding, forbidden, amazing love.

Later

Sure enough, late at night, Remus stole across to Sirius's bed and opened the curtains so that his bare chest was bathed in moonlight. He gently reached out pale fingers and stroked Sirius's cheek.

He awoke instantly, bathed in sweat and worried that it was his beloved, who might have creeped up to the tower... but no, it was only Remus, worried about him.

"You okay?"

"You startled me." Sirius rolled over so that Remus had enough room to sit beside him.

"Sorry, Padfoot," said Remus. He lay down, facing Sirus. His hands reached out automatically for Sirius's thin frame.

Sirius felt like he would cry; he didn't want this from Remus, not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever again.

Remus shifted closer, his bare stomach touching Sirius's.

Sirius wished for the willpower to push him away, but it was no use. He found Remus's mouth, begging for kisses, and succumbed.

He felt his friend's body rolling atop him, and moaned his name.

Well, he meant to moan his name...

"Regulus... please..."

Remus stopped kissing him abruptly and sat up, pushing Sirius away from him. He scuttled to the end of the bed, staring at his friend like he was some three - headed monster.

"I'm not Regulus..."

His voice was shocked and disbelieving.

"Remus, listen to me... this is why I've been moody and preoccupied... this is why I told you a few weeks back that we had to stop..."

"Yes, and you told me five days ago that you couldn't live without me and my love!"

"We'd fallen out, I was angry... I needed somebody to turn to, I needed somebody else..."

"To shag? Is that all I am to you?"

"No, Remus, please, please, listen."

"Tell me why I should. Tell me why I shouldn't just wake everybody up and tell them that Sirius, Oh-so-cool Sirius is a gay boy!"

"I kissed him by accident, I never meant to. I never meant it to lead to where it has now."

"Tell me everything."

"We were going home, and he came up to my room, didn't knock, just walked straight in... I was standing there in only my slacks that I wear under my robes, and he just stood there and stared at me...

"And?"

"I'm getting there. He came over to me like he was in a dream, like he was pulled towards me like a magnet. Four, maybe five paces away, he stopped and spoke. He said, "God, Sirius, you're..." and he broke off, and I knew then that he'd been watching and lusting over me... So I just leaned in and kissed him, just for the hell of it, just for the experience."

Remus flinched like Sirius had whipped him. His dark eyes were filled with hurt and lost love.

"He kissed me back so hard that I thought he'd bruised my lips. He pushed me back against the wall, and I could feel him through his robes... and one thing lead to another and before I knew it, we were in my bed and I swear, Remus, the only thing that I was thinking was "What the fuck do I do, I've already got a boyfriend!" But it was no use, we just kept happening... until it was a whirlwind of sex and emotion and love... and now, I could never turn back."

Remus was sobbing very quietly, and Sirius leaned over and embraced him.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered.

"Last kiss, for me?" asked Remus.

No, no, it'll just hurt you more... and I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted you to know, never wanted this to happen... I thought it would be a passing thing... Oh, Remus, I wish I could love you as you love me...

They kissed, slowly and gently, chests brushing and fingertips touching, colder than ice. Then Remus broke away and climbed out of Sirius's bed, trying not to think about where Sirius would be going as soon as he slept.

Regulus lay awake in his solitary dormitory, waiting for Sirius, waiting for the brother he loved and who was so much better than him, who showed him what love was, who meant the whole world to him.

The huge black dog nosed the door open, and Regulus sat up, pale in the firelight. The dog transformed and Sirius rose up from the ground. Three quick strides and they were in each other's arms, Regulus's hands running through Sirius's longer hair. They fell back towards the bed, the emerald green bedcovers, the black pillows in the dark shadows.

Regulus was panting and moaning; Sirius was biting a nipple and then trailing kisses down his stomach. His brother's hands were deft and quick at his trousers; in seconds they were off and then, Oh god, yes, his mouth was on him and it was heaven.

It was probably the roughest sex that they'd ever had. Sirius was completely on fire, his lips should have been black and blue, and Regulus was aching with love. Afterwards, when they were done, they lay there, so similar, both so slight and yet so strong, muscled arms wrapped around each other.

Regulus traced a fingerline through the sweat on Sirius's chest, and Sirius was thinking about Remus.

I loved you, but I didn't love you enough to stop this, this thing that we can never tell or explain or show.

"You okay?"

Sirius smiled at his brother with love.

"Yeah, I'm fine... Love you..."

Regulus kissed Sirius on the forehead, then on the lips.

"I know," he breathed into Sirius's mouth. "I know..."