Lest We Forget [Barriers Arc]

In the future, in the final days of the war

--- Draco Malfoy's POV ---

I remembered that night as clearly as if it was yesterday.

The fear had been gnawing me ever since we concluded our final attack plan against the Dark Forces. Your expression became closed; your eyes glinted with a cold fire that seared my soul. My initial exuberance at executing a flawless strategy quickly diminished.

You were distant since that fateful day, speaking infrequently. I tried to reach out, but you gently turned me away. When we made love it had been with an urgency which frightened me.

I should have known.

* * * * * * *

I woke up alone from a drugged slumber.

My limbs were heavy, my sight blurred. I couldn’t sense your presence. The potion you gave me made my movements slow, awkward. I reached out with my mind, but a solid barrier blocked me.

Where are you? What are you doing?!

I reached out again, and the force that repelled me drove me to my knees.

Why do you shut me out?

Memory of your whispered endearments as we lay in each other’s embrace rose to the forefront of my mind. Do you love me enough to live for me?

What a fool I was. I didn’t understand then, but I do now.

And now that you were gone, the fear that had been bubbling at the back of my mind slammed into me. I screamed, as abject terror coursed through me, paralysing me.

I couldn’t quell the anguish that ripped through me.

Why did you leave me?

My tears blinded me. Oh God, what have I done to be so cursed, so tormented?

I made up my mind. It would mean breaking every vow I had made, risking everything we had built, but I would rather face eternal damnation than losing you.

My beloved. My Harry.

* * * * * * *

Despair lent wings to my flight. I focused on creating the portal to bring me to where you were.

I prayed fervently that it wasn’t too late.

* * * * * * *

The manor burned brightly against the velvety night sky. The rubble crunched beneath my boots. The stench of the dead and the cries of the dying assailed my senses. I hardened my heart as I picked my way through the carnage.

You were here. I knew. I knew with the intimacy of a lover the handiwork of your destruction.

Razor Wind.

I stumbled over the blackened, charred and mangled bodies, tear-blinded as I searched for you. I reached out with my mind, but an echoing emptiness was my only answer. I called out your name, over and over, but my pleas remained unanswered.

… Do you love me enough to live for me?

Torment, desperation, fear – each fought to gain control of my turbulent emotions. I felt like dying inside, but I knew I must go on.

The hours passed. Yet I searched. Searched for any sign of life, even as the cries of the dying faded. The silence pressed on me, gripping my heart in its icy embrace. My hands bled from turning over so many stones, so many corpses, only to find unfamiliar faces. Dead eyes bore into mine in silent mockery.

My tears had long since dried. My despair grew and grew. My world shattered as my hope diminished.

… Do you love me enough to live for me?

My lungs felt on fire.

Why did you leave me?

My soul screamed in agony.

Please, God, what have I done wrong? Why did you offer me happiness only to wrench it away from me with such cruel passion?

Everything ceased to matter. I fell to my knees and let out a howl of misery.

Then darkness claimed me and I surrendered to sweet oblivion.

* * * * * * *

Consciousness came in soothing, gentle waves.

I steeled my resolve. I would let nothing tear us apart, my beloved. Not God, not Death. My hand closed over my blade. I shut my eyes and prayed for your forgiveness.

Please wait for me, my love.

I exhaled, and pressed the blade against my chest. A calmness came over me.

… Do you love me enough to live for me?

Without you, life has no meaning.

… Do you love me enough to live for me?

Without you, I do not want to go on.

Draco. Remember your promise.

I caught my breath sharply. My head snapped up.

Draco … do you love me enough to live for me?

The blade slipped from my fingers. I reached out with my mind and seized at the tenuous tendril of thought. I staggered to my feet, searching frantically around at the now-empty battlefield.

I let my instinct guide me. I turned and ran. Ran as hard as I’d ever run in my life. I ran like a man possessed to the edge of the battlefield, into the thicket of woods where meadowsweet grew in the spring. The sight that greeted me made me sick. The smell of blood hung thickly in the air, and there were bits of what looked like they’d belonged to people scattered everywhere.

I sobbed with fright, and cast around for that tendril of thought. But it was gone.

Finally, my eyes caught a glint of light reflected off glass. I stumbled to your side, afraid of what I would find. I had no tears to spill as I cradled you in my arms.

My heart broke in a million pieces.

I could only whisper your name, as if it was a prayer that could bring you back.

* * * * * * *

Draco.

The perpetually calm voice pronounced the iambic syllables of my name, pulling me out of my reverie. I placed the journal carefully on the table, not daring to lift my eyes.

Soft, measured footfalls on the floorboards.

And then you were kneeling before me, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

Nightmare?

I nodded mutely. You took my face in both hands and pressed your lips lightly against my temple.

You never missed a trick, did you my love?

Even months later, that singular episode still haunted me in my sleep. I’d woken up drenched in cold sweat, believing that you’d left me, this time forever. You’d embraced and comforted me, promising me that you’d love me and protect me as long as you live. You begged me to forgive myself, to purge the sorrow that had been plaguing my heart.

I lifted my eyes and claimed your hands. I threaded my fingers through yours and pressed my lips onto your skin. You smiled, your eyes softening. You knew. You knew how close I was to losing myself when I thought I had lost you. You gathered me in your arms, and held me tight. So tight that I couldn’t breathe.

I love you, you whispered with fierce conviction. You pulled back and looked at me searchingly.

Tell me, do you really love me enough to die for me?

My breath caught in my throat. I nodded my affirmation. Yes, I’d willingly die in your place anytime, my beloved.

I couldn’t stop the prickling at the back of my eyes.

Do you love me enough to live for me?

I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. You smiled wistfully and kissed them away. The war was in the past, but I needed the memories to remind me how important you were to me. I kept them alive, so that the sacrifices made hadn’t been in vain. Lest we forget.

You held me, warming me to the depths of the cold places where sorrow had created in me.

Then live for me, Draco. Let go of your pain.

And I understood. I finally understood just how important it was to let it go.

And from that moment on, there was no turning back.

Because we were together now, my love.

You and I.

END

© Zed Adams 2003 ~ Barriers Arc

Completed: Monday, 11 August 2003 11:33 PM [+8 GMT]
Word count: 1326