Invisible

Invisible

Sometimes I feel like people don't even see me when they walk past me. And they bump into me not because of my elbows that seem to stick out more than anyone else's or because of the large bag on my back but because they genuinely don't see me walking there right in front of them. Maybe I tried too hard to blend in. Maybe I disliked negative attention so much that I sent messages to everyone to ignore me completely. No attention at all.

That's how I feel when people interrupt me when I'm talking and then forget to apologise or find out later what it was that I wanted to say. Because obviously nothing I say is going to have any impact on anyone else's lives. How could it, it's bound to be boring. It's how I feel when people don't ask my opinion on the topic to hand because 'Hermione won't mind, she's easygoing and prefers listening anyway'. It's what makes me feel on the outside, not one of the crowd. It's what makes me want to cry when I'm tired and alone. It's what won't fill the hole. I've tried to fill it with intelligence and it still won't go away. I've tried to fill it by being nice and making friends but people still look straight through me, realising I'm there too late... or not at all.

I have my friends, I have my family, I have my school life. But I don't have that warm feeling of having eyes follow me in the corridor just to catch my eyes in order to wave. Say hi. Smile. People don't try to include me in conversations and when I do join in, they look at me like I've interrupted or correct what I said because 'Hermione only knows about academic stuff, how can she possibly understand Quidditch' or 'Stick to your Ancient Runes but it won't help you get a boyfriend'.

Maybe I don't want a boyfriend. Maybe I don't care about Quidditch. Maybe I don't. But maybe I do. What if I do? Do I stand by the wayside and let everyone brush by me like the inanimate object I feel like or do I get in their way so that when they look in my eyes they mean it. Do I chastise people for interrupting me and continue my story as though everyone has to listen to me? As though I have the right to their attentions. Do I announce my arrival in every room without opening my mouth but still somehow drawing all eyes to me?

No.

I sit here alone in my room and wish I wasn't crying. I sit here and wish I had enough to take my mind off trivial things like feeling ignored. I cry while I try to memorise the first chapter of Hogwarts: A History but it doesn't help. Nothing helps. So I sniff and sigh and wipe my nose and hold my head up high. Because I am Hermione Granger and I am invisible.