Rediscovering Emotions

The next few weeks were some of the happiest Ginny had experienced. Her relationship with Draco was nothing like her past ones. He didn't treat her as though she were made of glass and would break if he pushed her too hard. He kissed her with passion, talked to her with passion, and argued with her with passion. It was exhilarating. The rush she had felt from fighting with him stayed with her through the whole day, intensified by his nearness.

They still fought. Ginny was doing everything in her power to convince Draco to change his opinions, and he was resisting with everything he had, while at the same time trying to make her understand his point of view. He'd tried to explain why he needed to get back to Voldemort, something about honor and loyalty. Ginny couldn't understand wanting to go back to an almost certain death, but she suspected that he couldn't understand her blood-traitor's notions, and so they had to agree to disagree. That didn't stop them from arguing, though. It was mystifying, but such an integral part of who they were together.

Ginny had learned that she and Draco were more alike than she could ever have guessed. They enjoyed similar books (whodunits and other mysteries which forced them to think), supported the same Quidditch team (Puddlemere United, though Ginny had a soft spot for Holyhead), played Wizard's chess with the same vicious strategy (cold-blooded and calculating), and even liked the same candies (anything sour).

It was more than that, though. Their personalities were so similar it scared her. They had the same volatile temper and razor sharp wit along with it. They both held feelings inside as much as they could. Ginny had been naturally mistrustful since her encounter with the diary her first year, and Draco had been raised to never trust another person. Draco certainly was ambitious and cunning, and being around him brought those characteristics, dormant with her usual friends, out in Ginny, which terrified her most of all. Draco supposedly embodied everything she was supposed to dislike. How could she relate to him so easily? But they both found humor in strange situations, and, more than anything, enjoyed a good laugh, and it was this that got them through the first few weeks, when their differences threatened to rip their fragile bond apart.

Despite the challenges, Ginny felt like her life was in order again. She had looked past the prejudices that came with being a Weasley and a Gryffindor, and had succeeded in finding someone she was truly well-matched with.

*****

Draco was happy. In Ginny, he had found an equal. There were times that he found himself thinking about it, and scoffing. How could a Malfoy, the Prince of Slytherin, form any kind of bond with the Weasley girl, pride and joy of Gryffindor? Somehow, though, they'd done it. They were making it work every day, and it filled a void somewhere inside Draco that he'd hardly even known was there.

He realized that there was no way he could ask Ginny to help him escape now. She would hate him forever, and that was something he couldn't bear. There were only two weeks left until she returned to Hogwarts. He would have to work something out after she was gone. Draco rationalized his decision to himself, thinking that if he'd been away from the Dark Lord this long, a few more weeks couldn't hurt. He was most likely escaping to his death, anyway. Any time he had left with Ginny was priceless, especially considering that they had to sneak around to avoid the members of the Order floating through the house.

A nagging feeling in the back of his mind told him that he was going to hurt her, to shatter her, that he was leading her on, and he felt incredibly guilty for it. But he just didn't see what else he could do. He'd been a coward, unable to complete the task set forth for him. Then, against his will, Snape had made him look an even bigger coward by hiding him. Draco needed to regain some shred of dignity, and the only way to do it was to return to the Dark Lord for whatever punishment he would receive. It would break Ginny's heart. But that was the way it had to be.

Then something happened that took matters out of Draco's hands. Harry, Ron, and Hermione showed up for a surprise visit. Draco and Ginny didn't hear the three friends open the library door, being quite occupied, but even if they had, it was unlikely that either of them could have stopped the twin roars of rage from Ron and Harry, or the hexes that flew through the air a moment later.

*****

Ginny was distraught. Harry and Ron weren't speaking to her, and Hermione, once she ascertained that Ginny had been a willing participant in the activities they had walked into, was using only monosyllables with her. She didn't know where they had stashed Draco, and wanted desperately to go to him, but the three of them seemed to be standing guard over her, not letting her move from her seat on the library sofa.

"If you don't let me go talk to him right this instant, I will Bat-Bogey hex you all until you see stars for weeks!" Ginny shouted, unable to contain her anger any longer. The silence in the room had been stifling, and it was refreshing to hear her voice shatter it to smithereens.

"Ginny, do you know who we are talking about here? Draco Malfoy! He's vile, and evil!" Ron retorted. "How could you do this to me, and to Harry?" At this, Hermione snorted. Apparently it was an offense against her as well.

"I've done nothing to either of you! Harry relinquished any claim he might have had over me months ago, and while you may be my brother, you are not my father, and you have no control over my life! If I want to see Draco, I will. You cannot stop me! Besides, you've never tried to get to know him! I have, and I made my own choices!" Ron's freckled face contorted with anger as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to decide what to say. Harry beat him to it.

"Ginny, he's a Death Eater! He tried to kill Dumbledore!" Ginny could tell from his tone that Harry was clearly trying to reason with her, but it wasn't going to work.

"Maybe so, but he didn't, did he? He couldn't!"

"Not for lack of trying, though." Surprisingly, the words came not from Harry, but from the doorway. It was Draco.

*****

Draco hated himself for what he was about to do. He was going to hurt Ginny as much he possibly could. When he was gone, she was going to need these friends, imbeciles that they were, and he didn't want her to estrange herself from them over him. He saw her jaw drop at his words, and felt a twinge. Closing off all emotion, as he'd been trained to do, he continued.

"I admit, I was having trouble with it. I'm sure everyone balks a little at their first murder. I would have done it if everyone hadn't showed up when they did. They made me panic. I couldn't perform in front of a crowd. Don't look so surprised, Ginny. You should know me well enough by now." He smirked, and leered at her. The trio jumped to her defense. Ginny sank back into the couch, shock, misunderstanding, and pain radiating from her. He steeled himself to finish it. "You know, Ginny, this had to end. I mean, it's been great fun and all, you're a sport, but seriously. You and me? You were a fool to misinterpret my intentions toward you. You do know that I only did what I did to gain your trust so you'd help me get out of here? I just want to get back to my Master, where I belong and you were the easiest asset."

Draco couldn't look at her white face, knowing what he was doing to her, so he stared at her friends instead, as if issuing a challenge. Harry, in particular, had a look of rage and violence on his face unlike any Draco had ever seen. He gave one more of his trademark smirks. They took the bait. Two hexes and a curse hit him almost simultaneously.

He woke up in his room, a Binding Hex holding him to the bed, his entire body aching as if on fire. No light came in from the windows, or from under the door, and the house was still. Then suddenly, the door opened.

*****

Hermione had taken an utterly shocked and devastated Ginny to her room, whispering condolences and rubbing her back soothingly. Harry and Ron were behind them, dragging Draco unceremoniously up the stairs. She was vaguely surprised that no one else had come to see what was going on, then remembered that the Order member on duty was Mundungus. He was probably passed out somewhere. After depositing Draco onto his bed and Binding him there, the boys joined Hermione and Ginny.

"Look, Gin, I'm-" Ginny cut Harry off.

"Don't apologize to me." She knew her eyes were flashing furiously. "I knew what I was doing, and I guess I deserved what I got. That doesn't mean you all had to treat me the way you did. I'm not a child. I can make my own decisions. You don't need to protect me from them anymore. Now, I suppose one day I'll thank you all for this, but at this moment in time, I despise you all and want you out of my room. Now." Ginny wanted to give them even a fraction of the agony she was feeling. They certainly looked hurt enough as they filed out of the room. Instead of giving her satisfaction, she remembered Draco walking out of the room, radiating his own pain, and the thought cut into Ginny like a knife.

She cried. The tears came in great floods, her chest heaving. She hadn't cried like that since her first year. Surprisingly, it helped. The sobs were cathartic, and she began to slowly relax. Ginny still felt his words like a dull ache, but she was calm. She knew that she had to talk to Draco, alone. Her friends brought out the worst in him, just as she has sure his would bring out the worst in her. Coming to this conclusion, serenity settled over her. She was perfectly collected as she slipped quietly from her room to his, in the practiced movements of one who had done it many times before.

The room was very dark, but she could just make out that he was Bound to the bed. Good. He would have to listen. She stepped over to the bed and sat on its end, gingerly. "Hello, Draco." That was all she got out before the tears came back, running in torrents down her cheeks. Cursing inwardly at her weakness, she struggled to get herself under control. She was furious at herself for getting close enough to let him hurt her, and for forgetting, if only for those few weeks, that this was Draco Malfoy, Death Eater, not her perfect boyfriend.

"Ginny. Wait. Please just listen to me." Ginny raised her tear-stained face to meet his eyes.

*****

Draco had known it was Ginny the moment she stepped into the room. He recognized her walk. He'd tried to muster his resolve, to hear her out. He planned to be as cruel to her as possible, to finish what he'd started. He thought he could do it, when she said hello to him. The plan flew out the window the second he saw the first tear glisten on her cheek. He couldn't bear to emotionally torture her this way. When he was sure he had her attention, and she wasn't going to slap him or interrupt him, he gathered his thoughts, and spoke.

"Ginny. I lied. I lied to hurt you and to protect you. I saw what you were willing to do for me, to give up for me, and I panicked. I couldn't let you lose your closest friends for me. I may not like them, but you need them. We both knew that whatever it was we had couldn't last. We knew it from the beginning. It wasn't worth estranging yourself from them. I stopped it the only way I knew how. I'm sorry. So, so sorry. Please forgive me. Please," he added, so softly he wasn't even sure if she could hear it. He'd spoken his piece, and there was nothing else to do but wait. She took a few deep breaths, as if he'd almost knocked the wind out of her. Draco hated to put her through this. It was torture on them both.

"You lied to me? To everyone? Everything you said in there was a lie? How could you?" It wasn't an accusation. She was pleading with him, trying to understand.

"It wasn't all a lie. I do regret being unable to kill Dumbledore. I wanted to kill him. I've never kept that from you. And I did think, when you first got here, about using you to get out. I admit that I tried to think of a way to gain your trust, to use it to my advantage, when I first learned how to get by the Alarm Spell. You need to believe me that it was the last thing on my mind once I realized how much I cared for you. Please," he said again, aware that he was begging her and that it should have been beneath him to do so. With Ginny, it didn't matter.

He watched as Ginny pulled out her wand, whispering, "Finite incantatem." Draco felt the ropes around his ankles and wrists evaporate, and sat up, reaching out for her. Ginny went willingly into his arms. "I believe you, Draco. I really do. Don't say anything else. Not yet." He held her, and stroked her hair, loving its satiny feel between his fingers, wishing the moment could last forever, knowing it couldn't.

*****

Encircled in Draco's arms, Ginny felt the tension melt out of her tired body. Even as she was comforted, though, a new pain was hovering there, as she knew what she was going to have to do. She steeled herself, and after a few moments, gently extracted herself.

"Draco. You were right about one thing back there, you know. You and me. We don't fit. We won't work. We knew it going in. We were willing to take the chance on us, total opposites that we were, knowing our different backgrounds. We were living in our own fantasy, though. The real world is here, and it doesn't like us. It's got to end now. You know that, right? We have to stop." Ginny was crying again, but this time she wasn't embarrassed. As much as it hurt, she knew this was what she had to do. Draco had started to protest, but now seemed resigned, nodding his head. It gave Ginny the strength to continue.

"Okay. Get up. Where's your wand? Do you want to bring anything with you? Extra clothes or anything? Where do you keep them?" It was her practical voice. She stood up and began rummaging about in the room, but she couldn't find any spare robes or Muggle style clothing. Draco was still on the bed, gaping at her.

"What the hell are you doing, Ginny?"

"You said you want to rejoin Voldemort. Fine. At any rate, you can't stay here. Harry and Ron, and Hermione too, I suppose, will want to have you thrown into Azkaban. Harry could get it done, you know. You've got to leave, Draco. You said that if you gained my trust, you could use me. Well, you have my trust. I'm going to help you get out. Now where is your wand?"

"I can't let you do this, Ginny. They'll kill you," Draco cried, clearly stunned. Nonetheless, he picked up his wand almost reflexively.

"They won't. They love me, no matter how angry they are right now. I'm a good liar. I can deny it. Are you ready? Come on," she replied, grabbing his hand and pulling him out the door. Ginny felt him resist a little at first, but she was persistent, and eventually he came with her. They arrived in the entryway, and Ginny's hand was almost crushed as Draco squeezed it apprehensively.

"Sh," she murmured soothingly. "We're fine. As long as I'm with you, the Alarm Spell won't be triggered." They crossed to the door swiftly, and Draco turned to her.

"Ginny. Do you have any idea what this means to me? That you're willing to help me, even though you don't agree with me? You are such an incredible, wonderful person. I hope you know that." He pulled her to him, caressing her back gently. Ginny put her arms around his neck and smiled through her tears.

*****

"Thank you, Draco. It means a lot to hear you say that. Now stop talking and give me a proper goodbye." Draco gladly complied. The kiss was bittersweet. Draco was putting everything he had into it. His love for Ginny, his anger at her stupid friends, his guilt at bringing her into this situation, his fear of what was coming. It made him feel like he was on fire, burning with emotion that he wasn't supposed to feel. Not he, a Malfoy. Not for Ginny.

Ginny. She was giving everything that she got. He was more aware of her than he'd ever been. Her slim body was pressed up against him, one knee between his legs. Her arms were squeezing him so tightly that even if the kiss had allowed him to breathe, the pressure from her arms would have prevented it. Her fingers were tracing little circles on his neck, creating a haunting sensation which was so opposite from the pressure of her arms and mouth.

After what was probably too long for safety, he pulled away reluctantly. Ginny rested her head on his chest, and he could feel her shoulders shaking with suppressed tears. Draco knew she was trying to be strong for him. That's when the desire to tell her everything about his feelings became overwhelming.

"Before I go, Ginny, I need to tell you something. I need you to understand how I feel about you. You're...everything to me. I feel happier, physically and mentally better when I'm around you. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and it happened when I thought I had closed myself off emotionally. Please, don't forget about this summer. And please remember, no matter what happens to us, to you, to me, that I lo-"

"Don't. Don't say it. I don't think I'm strong enough to hear it and still let you go. You mean too much to me, and I want to be selfish and keep you here. But I can't. We both know it. So go. Now, before we get caught or one of us changes our minds." Ginny's voice broke several times in the speech, but she got through it. Draco knew that she was right. Kissing her one last time, swiftly but thoroughly, he turned and opened the door. He paused, halfway outside, with his hand on the knob. Pivoting to face her, Draco flashed Ginny a grim smile.

"I won't say it. But I'm thinking it. I feel it. Don't forget. Goodbye, Ginny." Without waiting to see how she would respond, knowing it would hurt too much, Draco spun on his heel and ran out into the night. He never heard her whispered response as she stood in the open doorway with the tears finally released on her cheeks, shining in the light of the terrible knowledge that they would probably never see each other again.

"I love you, too. Goodbye, Draco."