Keep Your Distance

Harry desperately wanted to go and talk to Sirius. That's what he'd
wanted all year wasn't it? To be near him and able to speak about
everything, from what he feared when his scar hurt to his favourite
Quidditch team. But now he was here. Sirius was in the same house as
him. Why was this so hard?

And why did he need to go to Sirius? Why didn't Sirius come to him?

That evening at dinner Harry tried to make catch his eye but it was
difficult when they were surrounded by so many people. He thought
maybe he could wait until dinner was over, then he'd help clear up and
perhaps get a moment alone with him. But Mrs Weasley and the girls
tidied up while Sirius sneaked off upstairs. Harry handed his plate to
Mrs Weasley then followed Sirius' footsteps.

Before he reached the top of the stairs he heard a door close. The
only room on this floor that wasn't one of their bedrooms was the
library... well study really since there weren't many books left. They
had had to get rid of the most offensive books such as 'Painful &
Disfiguring Curses For The Fun-loving Wizard'.

Harry walked across the hall and stood in front of the library door.
His balled up hand hovered in front of the door then knocked quietly.
There was no answer but he slowly pushed the door open anyway.

The room seemed dark after being in the hall. Of course every room in
12 Grimmauld Place was rather dark and depressing but the hall had at
least been lit with a few pathetic candles.

Harry sensed movement over by the window. The sun had already set but
it wasn't yet properly dark. He could see the profile of someone
against the window, sitting on the rather narrow window seat.

"Sirius?"

"What...oh, hi Harry."

Now it came to it he couldn't think of anything to say. He looked
around the room but couldn't really make out much as the little light
they did have slowly faded. He had read somewhere that when people go
blind their other senses compensate. That was how he felt right now.
Although the room they were in was painfully quiet he could make out
the sounds of people downstairs, the murmur of distant voices as well
as the familiar creaks and groans of the old house. And he noticed how
the room smelled for the first time. It was a slightly unpleasant
musty smell mingled with the faintest whiff of varnish.

Suddenly he felt the presence of someone in front of him.

"Sirius," he said again.

He felt a finger brush his cheek and he shivered involuntary. He still
found it hard to be touched. He had barely been touched for the first
eleven years of his life and on the rare occasions he had been it had
most certainly not been a show of affection. The only thing he could
liken this to was the all enveloping hugs he got from Mrs Weasley but
this was still different. Skin on skin.

He didn't move and hardly dared breath.

Again Sirius lifted his hand to Harry's face and stroked his cheek.
One finger moved down to his mouth and lightly traced the line of his
lips.

Harry's skin was tingling all over from this unexpected contact. When
Sirius finally took his hand away Harry felt the dullest pain right in
the centre of his body. He let out some small sound without even
realising.

"Shhh," whispered Sirius as he put one finger against Harry's lips. It
was very soon replaced with gentle searching lips. At the back of his
mind Harry knew there was something wrong here but he couldn't care
less. It didn't feel wrong. There was electricity flowing to every
nerve ending in his body. He couldn't help letting out a quiet moan
which seemed to trigger something in Sirius.

Sirius gripped a handful of his hair and started kissing him roughly,
almost greedily. But Harry didn't care. He'd never felt like this
before.

And then Sirius uttered something that jarred him to the bone,
"James."

"No," Harry whispered as he stumbled back and fell on the floor.

"Ha,Harry I'm, I mean," Sirius stuttered, "I didn't mean..."

But Harry never heard him finish because he was already wrenching the
door open and lurching into the hall.

He managed to make it to his bedroom. He sat on the bed, his head
reeling. So that was why Sirius had been so distant. He had known how
messed up he was inside and didn't trust himself. Well Harry wished
he'd been able to keep his distance too.