Memories

MEMORIES

By Nymphadora Weasley

Betaed by Madam Minerva Weapotternger

Posted to SB/RL List, weapotternger journal

Memories, all alone in the moonlight

I can dream of the old days,

Life was beautiful then...

He sat on the park bench for hours, not knowing how long he'd been there but night had already approached. Several times, members of the Order had come to check on him, each with a more pitiful excuse than the one before.

Arthur came to check on him this time.

"Molly asked me to make sure that you were all right," he said. Remus could tell Arthur was rather uncomfortable there, so he was not surprised to see Arthur leave willingly when he dismissed him with a quick, "I'm all right."

Next one to come out to check on him was Mundungus. He tried to make it look like he was not there for Remus; made it look like it was just a coincidence that he and Remus were in the same place and Mundungus was just there to do business, but Remus knew better. Especially since the only business Mundungus would have to do for the Order would be to look out for Harry, who was currently back on Privet Drive, and it was Arabella's turn to watch over the boy. Besides, any shady dealings that Dung did were never done in plain sight but in desolate parts of the wizarding world where witnesses would be scarce.

Tonks came out next. She was the least subtle of all. She paced back and forth around him. Remus was starting to get annoyed.

"Do you need anything?" he asked, for the third time.

"No I don't need anything." It was now her coined reply.

Remus lost track of how many times she paced around him and she was now making him feel very uncomfortable.

"Look, I'm just fine, why don't you go back to Headquarters?" he said not hiding the bite in his voice.

Then came Moody. If Remus thought Arthur, Mundungus, or Tonks were bad, Alastor was the worst. His excuse for being out there was the lamest yet, and as a professor, Remus had heard his share of lame excuses. He had apparently lost his magical eye. Remus had spotted the glassy blue-eyed orb rolling around his feet when Moody came by to retrieve it. Honestly, Remus knew his eye was magical, but he was sure it could not fall out of his socket on it's own and roll down several blocks to find it's way to the park he was presently brooding in.

Moody picked up the rotating sphere and proceeded to rinse it in a nearby water fountain, then placed it back into his socket. The glaring look he was giving Remus made him feel emotionally violated as if Moody were able to pierce his very soul with that lingering stare. Holding fast to his resolve, he rose to his feet, placed a hand on Moody's shoulder and looked him straight in the eye.

"I won't deny that I am hurt. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaser and I need my space and time to think. Please, if you don't mind, just let me be. When I am ready I will talk to whomever wants to talk to me."

Moody held his gaze and could see the sincerity of his words. His magical eye seemed to see the pain in Remus' heart. He could see the turmoil inside his werewolf friend as he was torn between his love for his mate and his hate for his murderer. He could see the pain of Peter's betrayal and the loathing beginning to seep against the Dark Lord. Moody knew the pain of loss and nodding, he turned and walked back toward Headquarters.

Finally, Remus was alone. He sat on his park bench and let his mind wander. Looking around the park he spotted a couple a few yards away. They were having a moonlight picnic and were sitting on a blanket under a tree. They were listening to music and talking to each other. They looked so much in love. They looked so happy. They looked like he used to look with Sirius so many years ago. They looked like he used to look with Sirius just a couple of weeks ago. When Sirius was still alive. Then the couple stood, looked at each other and began to dance. The words of the song pierced Remus's heart and he found himself enveloped in the lyrics.

Memories, from the corners of my mind...

Remus was taken back to his days at Hogwarts as a student. He remembered James's laugh; he was always the center of attention. He remembered how James pined over Lily even when she would not give him the time of day. He remembered Peter's voice, a high squeaky voice; especially when he whined about something he could not accomplish. Remus remembered the good times with Peter. He remembered how much time he and Peter spent together--especially when James and Sirius were off playing a prank on a greasy-haired Slytherin or serving detentions for said pranks. He remembered Peter telling him that he would dream about being the right hand man to one of the most powerful wizards ever known. Peter always dreamed about being famous--about being needed. They should have known then. They should have seen it.

Then his mind rested on Sirius, the wonderful man that he was. He remembered how Sirius always brought out the best in him. Even when Moony began to rip and claw his way out under the unmerciful moon, Padfoot was there to tame him. James and Peter were his best friends and he would have laid down his life for each of them, but he and Sirius had something more. They were mates. He remembered the day their friendship changed forever.

I can dream of the old days, life was beautiful then...

It was a breezy spring day, two days after the full moon. James and Peter had gone to meet the girls in Hogsmeade. Remus had been released from the Hospital Wing that morning and decided he should take advantage of an empty dorm room and rest for the remainder of the day. Sirius was serving detention for setting off dungbombs in the Prefects Bathroom. By the time Sirius finished his detention in the Trophy Room, his body ached and in his tired stupor, he walked into the comfy chair in the common room, stubbing his toe. Cursing and stomping up the boys' staircase, he stormed into their dormitory in a very foul mood. When he slammed the door of the dormitory shut Remus was startled out of bed.

"Moony, mate I am so sorry," Sirius said alarmed. "I forgot you were planning on resting the whole day. I'll just get my things and get out of your way."

"It's okay Padfoot," Remus said. "You don't have to go. What happened that got you so upset?"

"It's that bastard Filch," Sirius growled. "I swear he gets his jollies off making us students suffer." Sirius went on to detail the story about how Filch would demand that he polish and re-polish the same trophy until it shined so bright it could blind you if the light hit it just right.

Remus loved the way Sirius looked when he was upset. He was passionate about his anger. Come to think of it, Sirius was passionate about everything. Sirius wore his heart on his sleeve. He remembered sitting there on his bed looking at him rant about Filch. How angry Sirius was with him and the way his lips glistened as his tongue darted out to lick them after an empassioned rant. Remus just stared at that mouth. His mouth was beautiful. When he moistened his lips again, Remus felt the hair on his nape rise. His gaze drifted downward to the flailing arms and hands. Sirius spoke with his hands, whether it was talking excitedly, happily or upset. Most people would cower when he flung his arms around. Remus noticed his big arms and hands and found them intriguing. He wondered how those arms would feel around him. How those lips tasted. Before he even realized it his mind had wondered and Sirius had noticed it.

Sirius leaned in and began to wave his hands in front of Remus trying to get his attention. Without thinking, Remus grabbed his hand and laced his fingers with Sirius', leaned in and kissed Sirius on the lips. It felt so good. His hands were rough and callused but Remus did not care. His lips were moist and hot and it sent a rush through Remus that made him lose himself for a while. A little while later realization dawned on him and he pulled away from his best friend feeling slightly mortified. Sirius was his best friend. How could he have done something so stupid?

"Oh, god, Sirius, I'm sorry," he stammered.

He rose from his bed and closed his eyes as he began to walk away not able to look Sirius in the eye.

"I'm really sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm so embarassed. I'm so sorry..." he continued in his apology, his back to Sirius.

"Shut up Moony," Sirius said and turning him around kissed him passionately, deepening the kiss quickly. Remus moaned into his mouth and melted into his arms. This was right. This was bliss. Velvet tongues searched franctically for each other and clumsy limbs wrapped themselves around fumbling bodies as Sirius backed Remus to his bed.

Remus remembered feeling scared about the feelings he had towards his best friend, but there lying on his back with Sirius atop him snogging him senseless, he knew his heart belonged only to this beautiful canine and Moony was finally at peace. He loved him. He would forever love him.

If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is...

Sitting on that park bench, Remus cried for his mate and his mind raced forward to another day with Sirius, the day that forever sealed their fate. The day, they became one.

It was their seventh year and they had been dating for almost two years. It was a clear spring night when Sirius popped his head through Remus's bed hangings, a mischievous grin on his face. They'd had a row earlier in the day when after a moment of heated passion, Remus had told Sirius he loved him expecting the same reply. When Sirius just stared at him wide-eyed, mouth gaping, Remus picked up his clothes, quickly dressed and left their dorm.

Remus returned to the dormitory while everyone was at dinner and stayed in his bed with the curtains drawn all evening. His heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces. He felt like this rejection would be the end of him. He'd made a fatal mistake. He'd allowed Moony to fall in love. A werewolf can not give his heart to just anyone. The bond made in their mating, created a life bond which when severed could kill the spirit of the werewolf. He had been careless, and knowing Sirius did not return his love, he felt like he could not go on.

"Go away, Sirius," Remus said closing his eyes, turning his back to his lover.

"Now, how am I supposed to leave when you tempt me with that gorgeous arse of yours in my face like that?" Sirius stroked the bum he loved to pleasure and Remus jumped around, golden eyes blazing in anger.

"Don't...just...don't." He pushed Sirius hands away as the other boy made to reach for him again.

"I need to show you something. Please, Moony." Those hazel eyes always wore down his resolve and sliding his feet off the bed, he joined his best friend under the invisibility cloak.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"The astronomy tower."

Remus sighed heavily. He hated that tower. No werewolf should be that close to the moon.

"It's okay, Moony. We'll only be a minute, okay?" Sirius reassured his boyfriend with a squeeze of his hand and was glad to see Remus did not pull his hand away when he laced his fingers with the other boy's.

They made quick work of climbing the Astronomy tower steps undetected with the Map in hand and as they opened the door to the outdoor observatory, they quickly slipped out of the invisibility cloak their hands still joined.

"Come here," Sirius said, pulling Remus in front of him near the ledge of the tower. Remus began to shake visibily and Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist. Remus closed his eyes at the embrace.

"Open your eyes, luv," Sirius said. Remus snapped his eyes open. He'd called him "love". He'd never called him that before.

"Do you see that star, right there?" he pointed to the Canis Majora constellation. Remus knew it very well.

"The Dog Star?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Yes... You ARE a clever wizard," Sirius said giving him gentle squeeze. "Yes, the Dog Star. That's me. I don't know what's going to happen to any of us when we leave Hogwarts, but I just wanted you know that as long as that star is in the heavens, you'll always know I'm there with you and every time I look at the moon, I'll know you're with me."

Remus closed his eyes again as a lone tear escaped the lids attempting to shut every one of them in. He tilted his head back on his lover's shoulder behind him and sighed.

Leaning into Remus's ear, Sirius whispered, "I love you Moony. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I am so sorry it's taken me this long to tell you but I was scared. In all my life I've never known what true love is. Thank you for teaching me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," Sirius told him. Turning Remus around he kissed him. That night their life bond was made, as they gave into each other, heart, body and soul.

Remus shuddered at the memory.

Memories, all alone in the moonlight...

He was alone again not too long after that night. Peter's betrayal had torn them apart and Sirius was sent to Azkaban. It felt like his life had ended. Moony was ripped from his mate and he was unforgiving to Remus, clawing and tearing at his flesh searching for the scent that was uniquely Padfoot, but never finding it. For twelve long years Moony punished Remus and they lived in their own hell. His transformations were horrible. He aged rapidly and weakened.

They were given a second chance when Wormtail was found, but fate would not be as kind a second time. Peter had taken everything from them, but Remus was determined to make up for all the lost touches, kisses, and caresses. All of it taken in one brief flash of light as the curtain was drawn on their time together after only two years.

Burned out ends, and smoky days of fatalistic mourning...

Remus was again alone. His sadness quickly turned to rage and unadulterated hatred for the rat that sealed their fates fifteen years before. Looking for his star in the heavens, he vowed he would find the rodent and finish the job he intended to do in the Shrieking Shack three years before. He would make him pay for all he did to James, Lily, Harry, Sirius...what he did to him.

Before he knew it, Remus was crying unconsolably on the park bench. He could still hear the song the couple danced to in his head. Molly Weasley stood there watching him. No words were needed. She sat beside him and placed her arms around him in a motherly embrace. Remus laid his head on her shoulder and let the dam of his emotions break as she rocked him in her arms.

A streetlamp dies another night is over, another day is dawning

Touch me, it's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memories of our days in the sun

If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is

Look, a new day has begun.