Stories, Told Slowly

Stories, Told Slowly

It was June, and the castle, at long last, was silent again.

Remus Lupin stood at his window, postponing for a few minutes more, the last of the paperwork the Headmistress was expecting by the end of the day. It had been a challenging, often difficult year. When Hogwarts had reopened in September, the first sorting in three years was a somber affair. Remus had looked out across the Great Hall that evening and seen a roomful of children whose stoic expressions and ambivalence reminded everyone that the war was still an open wound that needed healing. By Christmas, though, Filch was lurking again in shadowy alcoves, determined to put a stop to magic in the halls; and by spring, most of the students were more interested in illicit love potions and Quidditch scores than in banishing Boggarts.

That, Remus supposed, was some measure of success.

He was just about to resume his paperwork when there was a knock at the door.

It had been many months since Harry Potter had stepped foot on Hogwarts grounds, and one look at him reminded Remus all too forcefully of the atmosphere of that first evening in the Great Hall.

They shook hands and said hello, while Remus braced himself for whatever news Harry seemed about to deliver.

"I wanted to give you this." Harry laid a large brass key on the desk. Remus studied it but made no move to pick it up. He already knew its weight and the feel of the jagged row of teeth against his fingertips. "I've given Godric's Hollow to Luna."

"Harry-"

"I know Grimmauld Place isn't as nice, but I figured you and Tonks will need the space. She's already told me that she has no intention of stopping with just one and that you'd be better off just cooperating."

Remus sucked in a deep breath. Tonks had been having an incredibly easy pregnancy, and her anticipation of their first child's arrival, and that child's future siblings, had only increased with the swell of her abdomen. Remus, however, despite having had nearly nine months to get used to the idea, was still terrified. Fatherhood wasn't something werewolves were exactly well-suited for.

"And besides," Harry continued, "I liked the thought of giving it back to the Blacks. The nice side of the family."

"Harry, we couldn't possibly-"

"Please don't argue, Remus. This is what I want."

"Is it really?"

Harry's shoulders dipped into a slouch, and Remus felt a twinge of guilt for turning this into one more battle the young man before him would have to fight.

"Can't you just take it?" Harry asked, exasperated. He dropped down onto the sofa opposite Remus's desk and pushed his fingers through his hair. When he looked up again, it was with an anguished, defeated look on his face. "I can't stay, Remus. I just can't."

In all his years of knowing Harry, there were few times Remus had seen him so distressed. And given what he had been through, that was nothing short of remarkable. Of course he needed time to come to terms with everything that had happened. But the war had been over for nearly a year now, and Harry had only become more withdrawn, his visits few and far between. Now, Remus silently cursed himself for not seeing that Harry's grief was leading down a path he himself knew all too well.

That path had once seemed the sole option; when the only memories Remus could recall were so painful, he would have willingly traded each one for a month of full moons. But running hadn't helped; and it had taken him far too long to trace his way back.

Slowly, he rose to his feet. "Come with me," he said. He picked up the key and waited for Harry.

==

Sirius had transfigured the key to his parents' house into a penknife and was using it to carve four letters into the Whomping Willow while James held one hand to the knot that kept the tree still and Peter watched over the Marauder's Map spread open in his lap. It was June of their seventh year, and the great era of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs was coming to an end.

"Sirius, why are you bothering?" Remus asked, dutifully playing the voice of reason. "No one's ever going to even see it. At least not without coming to some serious bodily harm."

"It's not for anyone else to see," James said. "It's for us."

Remus should probably have argued about rules or something, but then again, he wasn't Head Boy. Besides, the four of them had agreed: of all their school-day conquests, their defining moment had been that night two years ago, when James, Sirius and Peter had finally successfully transformed and slipped past the Whomping Willow to be with Remus. Everything else had been child's play in comparison. Remus wondered if the other three had any idea what that meant to him.

"There," said Sirius, with a firm note of satisfaction in his voice. "Come have a look. I'll take over for you there, James."

Peter passed the map over to him too and joined Remus and James in examining Sirius's work.

"Sweet," said James, as he traced each neatly carved letter with his index finger. "You made them really smooth and deep."

Peter lifted his hand to the tree and copied James's movements across the scarred bark. "How long do you think it'll last?" he asked.

"Oh, this'll be here for ages," said James.

"A hundred years?" Peter sounded hopeful.

"Definitely. Probably more." James slung an arm around Remus's shoulders and grinned. "What do you think, Moony?"

Remus did not trust himself to say anything at first. Inside, he was bursting with a strange sort of warmth that was both joyful and sad, full of gratitude as well as longing. He had never had friends before Hogwarts. Now they were all going their separate ways. Sirius was planning to work in London for a while and then travel around the world before joining up for Auror training; James was getting married and starting a new job at the Ministry; and Peter was going to be apprenticing with some charms specialist his mother knew in Windsor. Remus couldn't expect them to join him for the moon anymore. It would be hard to go back to his parents' house and the solitary life he had always known there as a child, but he would manage. You could get used to anything if you didn't resist too hard.

"Well?" Sirius asked. "Is it all right?" He looked at his watch. "We've only got another hour until moonrise, so if it needs any touching up-"

"No," said Remus. "No, it's brilliant."

A few minutes later, Peter transformed and took his place at the knot, and Sirius and James promptly disappeared through the opening into the tunnel below. Peter would join them as soon as Remus stepped back far enough to avoid getting pummeled by what - after an hour having a knife stuck into it - was sure to be a rather aggravated Whomping Willow. Then the three of them would wait in the woods behind the Shrieking Shack, until Dumbledore himself escorted Remus to the house. Once the Headmaster had returned to the castle, they would join Remus for one last night of marauding.

Peter squealed impatiently, and Remus knew it was time to go. He looked again at the letters, his fingers brushing over but barely touching them. He doubted the carving would last as long as James had said. A hundred years was a long time. But it was good to know it would last at least a little while. Maybe I can come back, Remus thought, whenever I want to make sure this was real.

==

"Remus?"

He was just pulling the door to his office closed when Tonks's panicked voice erupted from the Floo.

"Remus, are you there?"

He hurried back across the room, Harry following closely behind him.

"What is it?" Remus asked as he dropped down to his knees in front of the fire.

Tonks looked worried. "I think ... I think it's time." Her face suddenly screwed up in pain, and she let out a tiny cry.

Remus felt himself pale. "What? Are you sure?"

Tonks nodded. "At first I thought he just wasn't crazy about my mum's cauldron cakes - she sent another batch this morning -" Tonks seemed to lurch forward suddenly, and Remus instinctively put his hands out as if to catch her. She swayed out of view for a moment and then made a loud gasping sound as she reappeared in the fire. "But now, I don't think so." She grimaced and then seemed to notice for the first time that Remus wasn't alone. "Who's that with you?" she asked, tilting her head to get a better view up the pair of legs standing beside Remus.

Harry crouched down towards the hearth. "Er, hi, Tonks."

"Harry! What a- Oh!- What a nice surprise." Between short, sharp intakes of breath, she managed a small smile. "Although, obviously, not the biggest one of the day."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked again. He wasn't ready for this. No. Not at all ready. "I thought we had another-"

"Three weeks?" Tonks finished for him through clenched teeth. "Yeah, well, seems this little bugger has decided to make an early appearance."

"Little bugger?" Remus repeated. Realisation seemed to be crashing over him in alternating waves of panic and lucidity. Suddenly, for some reason, the situation now seemed almost amusing. "I thought your preferred term of endearment for our child was Billywig?"

Tonks looked as if she would very much have liked to send a hex through the Floo right then and there, but her face performed another act of contortion before she could say a word. She released a carefully measured breath before continuing. "Is Poppy there? I don't think I can make it all the way to St Mungo's."

Remus felt like he was underwater; he'd gone all cold, and although his brain was telling him to get to the hospital wing, some invisible, far more powerful force was holding him down. He opened his mouth, but he couldn't speak. In fact, to his horror, he could hardly breathe.

"Remus!"

"Um, Tonks?" Harry's voice sounded small and far away. "Shall I go get her? That way Remus can just Floo down to you. W-would that help?"

Tonks looked relieved. "Good idea, Harry." Remus felt them both turn their eyes on him. "But I don't think he should travel alone, even if it is just to Hogsmeade. Could you ask Poppy for a Claritas potion for him? I think he's going to need it."

Remus felt Harry hoist him to his feet and sit him down on the sofa before dashing out of the room. He would be back in a few minutes and then they would go home to Tonks. And have a baby.

==

"Would you like to hold him, Remus?"

Lily's eyes were gleaming in the soft light of the bedroom. James was holding her hand and resting his other one on his day-old son's tiny head.

"I- I don't know anything about holding babies."

James burst out laughing. He scooped Harry into his arms and carried him across the room. "There's nothing to it, mate." Remus tensed as James placed the baby in his arms. "Just, you know, make sure you support his head and all," said James, positioning Remus's arms just right.

Harry opened one eye to investigate this changing of the guard. Almost of their own volition, Remus's arms closed more snuggly around him and began slowly rocking back and forth, the new weight within them surprisingly warm and soft, smelling of newness, and of hope. The motion lulled Harry to sleep in minutes. Remus still felt a bit out of sorts from the full moon a few days earlier, but holding Harry provided a sudden and unexpected sense of balance. To his still-heightened senses, the baby's gentle breathing was a quiet rumble that eventually tapered off into a barely audible murmur, and a peacefulness unlike anything Remus had ever experienced.

Barely a month later, the rumours about the spy began. Every corner of Order headquarters seemed punctuated with whispers and sidelong glances. Friendships and alliances started to crack, and those cracks to expand. Then, without even saying good-bye, James and Lily and Harry were gone, spirited away to supposed safety.

And the next time Remus held Harry, it was to stop him tearing through the veil in pursuit of Sirius. He had felt the boy's heart hammering in his chest as his arms flailed in desperation, and, for once, Remus was grateful for the advantage in strength that being a werewolf gave him. Despite his own torment, Remus held on, painfully aware that Harry was all that was left now of anything that had ever mattered to him.

==

"Madam Pomfrey said you should take half of this now, wait five minutes before Flooing and then take the rest." Remus hadn't even heard Harry return, though his flushed face and quick breathing suggested he had just charged across the castle in record time. "She said she'd go on ahead of us." Harry carefully uncapped a phial and handed it to Remus.

The milky, opalescent potion smelled faintly of linseed and dewgrass. It was sweet and smooth, with a slight, crisp acidity that danced across the palate and tingled as it went down.

Remus and Harry sat in silence, waiting for the first dose of the potion to take its full effect. Already, Remus could feel his mind clearing and the panic receding. This whole baby thing was nothing to worry about. Everything would be fine. He could do this.

Another tingle of lucidity and the conversation he and Harry had been having just before Tonks called rose to the surface. He couldn't just let him run away.

"Harry," he began, "about your leaving-"

Harry leapt to his feet. "I think that's five minutes," he said. "It's probably not a good idea to keep Tonks waiting."

Who are you to argue? Remus thought. Who are you to stop him? "No, I suppose not," he replied.

The Claritas potion sent a stronger, prickling sensation through him as he followed Harry to the fireplace.

"Wait," he said suddenly. "Don't go." The words shot out of him as if commanded by his own subconscious magic. Harry froze. The tension stretched out between them, taut and almost palpable. "At least not until we've had a chance to discuss things properly," Remus continued. "Please." He picked up the key to number twelve Grimmauld Place and held it out. "I wish I had taken that chance once."

"This is different," said Harry after a moment.

"Yes," Remus agreed. "And no."

Harry looked thoughtful. "Where were you taking me before? I mean, before Tonks called."

Remus hesitated. This, like so many of the stories he had never shared with Harry, was not one that could be told quickly. "There's a place I used to go quite often," he said, "when I first came back to Hogwarts - for your third year. I thought you should see it before you decided anything for sure."

Harry looked from Remus to the key and back again. "Tonks is waiting," he reminded him quietly.

"Yes," said Remus. "But we could go another day. If you'd like." He placed the key on the mantelpiece.

Harry shrugged. "Maybe."

His fingers skipped lightly over the key and paused before he reached past it, took a handful of Floo powder from the bowl on the mantelpiece and tossed it into the fire.

As they stepped forward, Remus took Harry's arm. And he knew that he would not ever again let go.

== The End ==