Regaining

Regaining by Vivien

Chapter 14: Relapse

Also I'd like to invite anyone interested in discussion and fan fic about the female characters of the HP universe to join my new list, Hogwarts, A Herstory, at www.yahoogroups.com/group/HogwartsAHerstory.

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Relapse - 1. to slip back into a former condition, especially after improvement or seeming improvement.

It was Friday evening before Hermione woke up again. This time her head felt clear of pain, if a bit achy from too much sleep. She sat up, stretched, and noticed the overflowing side table. The chillingly normal offerings of flowers, candy, and cards were piled upon it, as well as a small parcel. She reached for the envelope with her mother's handwriting. She opened it and pulled out a card with a letter inside.

"Dear Hermione," it read, "Your father and I are sorry to hear you're in hospital again. We wish we could be there with you. I understand you disregarded your teacher's advice and attempted a spell you weren't ready for. I hope that our words of encouragement didn't lead you to take foolish chances. Please heed Professor Snape's advice in the future, my darling girl, so that you may keep yourself whole and well. I sent some of your old novels, which I thought you might like to read while you're recovering. (I hope the box isn't too heavy for the owl.) Remember that you will overcome this, sweet, but you must go slowly. Let us know if we can send you anything else. Much love, Mother."

Hermione dejectedly put the letter back in the card. 'Great,' she thought, 'I've only just told my parents, and they're already taking Snape's side.' She sighed, knowing they should. She had been very foolish. She opened the parcel and smiled at the sight of some of her old favorites. Desire to be home with her parents welled up inside her. Why did she think that something as simple as a restful break and the support of her family could so dramatically advance her healing? She was still damaged, still under the pressing weight of her disability. Now she was probably worse off than she had been. She had run the gamut of emotions since October, and she'd thought she was done with this bleakness that seeped throughout her soul. She didn't want to feel anything. It hurt too much.

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Madame Pomfrey made sure that Hermione took her pain drops and Magnifying potion. Then she ordered her a meal from the kitchens. She was concerned by the girl's lack of response. Merlin knew she'd seen Hermione Granger and her friends in the infirmary more than the usual Hogwarts student. Hermione didn't seem herself tonight. 'But then she has been through more than enough trauma this year,' she thought, watching Hermione stare silently at the windows across from her bed. Poppy had removed the privacy curtains since Hermione was the only patient in the ward, but now she wondered if her patient would be more comfortable with them back up. 'Surely the boys will come along soon,' she thought, 'They'll put Miss Granger in a better mood.'

Unfortunately, Poppy was incorrect on that account. Harry and Ron had hurried to the Hospital Wing as soon as they were told Hermione was awake.

"Hey you, what on earth are you doing here again?" said Harry teasingly, as he approached Hermione's bed.

"Yeah, what is this," cracked Ron, helping himself to the Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans that he'd brought Hermione the night before, "a plot to hoard extra sweets for your long, sugar free summers?"

Hermione didn't answer. She didn't feel like laughing at her friends' jokes. She didn't feel like talking to anyone. She wanted to be quiet for awhile longer.

When she didn't reply, Harry said seriously, "Hermione, are you okay? Are you not feeling any better?"

Hermione looked at his earnest face, and she felt a senseless anger rise within her. Why did they insist on bothering her with stupid questions? They weren't stuck here in hospital, wishing fervently for their magic to return to them. They were probably using this visit as an excuse to put off their homework.

"No, I'm not feeling better," she said sharply. "I'd rather be alone right now. I'm... I'm tired." Actually she was awake enough to know she shouldn't act like this, but it felt good to lash out at someone.

Harry and Ron glanced at each other, and Ron said, "Oh hey, we're sorry, Hermione. We just wanted to check up on you, that's all."

"Well you've checked up on me," she said. "I'm not dead yet, and I'm not better, so you can go now." Hermione saw the shocked, hurt looks on their faces, and she immediately felt sorry for her words. She put a hand over her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. Thanks for coming to see me, but I'd like to be alone for awhile. I'm really upset over.. all this. Do you mind? I'm sure I'll be in better spirits tomorrow."

"Of course, Hermione," said Harry. "Get some more rest, and if there's anything I can do... " He trailed off, knowing there wasn't much at all that he could do. He wondered what exactly had happened to put her in hospital again, but he thought it very wise not to ask.

Ron was about to ask Hermione if she wanted them to bring her homework to her, but with a rare flash of foresight, decided this wasn't a good idea. Instead he said, "Ginny says hello. She said to tell you to feel better soon."

Hermione smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. Harry and Ron awkwardly left the Hospital Wing, confused and worried about their friend. Hermione watched them leave. She went back to staring at the windows, imagining the worst case scenarios of her future playing over and over again.

Madame Pomfrey, who had been listening from her office, almost cast a Cheering charm on Hermione there and then, but decided to wait and see what the morning brought. This child was in a fragile condition, and she didn't want to toy with the raw emotions inside of her, much as she wanted to ease her pain. She wondered whether Severus would be speaking with Hermione this evening or not. He seemed to have formed a bond with Hermione, which amazed her to no end. Maybe he would be able to break through the malaise from which the child was suffering.

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Severus had planned on staying with Hermione on Thursday until she woke up. However, after the fifth or sixth time he questioned Madame Pomfrey's healing techniques and treatment decisions, she had escorted him out of the Infirmary at wand point. She was smiling ferociously and muttering things like "Think you're a fully qualified Healer now, do you?" and "If you'd let yourself actually like people before this, you wouldn't be so distraught, dear." She ordered him to get some rest before he came back or "Merlin help me, I will place a warding charm on this whole wing to keep you out of it." He'd been dumbfounded at first, and then furious. But he realized he would be better off researching what to do next rather than worrying and waiting. The night passed quickly with further reading, note taking, and letter writing, and Severus didn't realize it was morning until his alarm rang.

With concern for Hermione battling his exhaustion, classes the next day went excruciatingly slow. By the end of the day, his personal record of detentions given and House points taken had been shattered. He'd even taken one point from Slytherin because Draco Malfoy simply annoyed the hell out of him for whispering to his thickheaded cronies once too often. Potter and Weasley had risen to the occasion and lost twenty house points each, although he couldn't quite remember why.

Once he had hastened the last of the day's students out the door, he'd headed for the Hospital Wing once more. Hermione was still asleep, and Madame Pomfrey demanded that he either get in a bed himself and let her care for him or go get some sleep on his own. He chose to leave quickly. Pomfrey was not one to tussle with over one's state of health. He knew first hand that she tended to use drastic measures to ensure the recovery of unwilling patients. He'd always heard she'd been a Hufflepuff, but he often thought she'd have made a damn fine Slytherin. In any case, he finally managed some much-needed rest that afternoon.

Severus slept through dinner and awoke with a start as old nightmare images swirled into his subconscious. He arose rather blearily, changed his clothes, and made his way to see Hermione. He wanted very much to scold the impudent child, but whenever the image of the almost handkerchief saturating with redness flashed through his memory, that desire waned. As he entered the Hospital Wing, he readied himself for whatever dizzying onslaught of teenaged emotions she might throw his way. 'If she is awake and coherent, that is,' he thought grimly.

Hermione saw Professor Snape enter the room. He looked worried again, and like his normal grumpy self, with his black robes billowing behind him like sinister wings. He'd probably want to give her a lecture. She felt herself detaching even more from the fear and anxiety she knew was bubbling under the surface. She didn't care to watch him approach and sit down in the chair beside her bed.

Severus was more than a little concerned that Hermione didn't acknowledge his presence. She kept staring across the room, her eyes focused on the darkened windows. "Miss Granger?" he said softly.

Hermione slowly shifted to look at him. She thought again how urgently he had carried her in his arms to the Infirmary. She must have been bad off indeed. "What, Professor Snape," she said with a sigh.

"How are you?" he asked. He realized he had no idea how to proceed. He could fall back on his comfortable sarcasm and sneers, or he could try to tap the uncalled for feelings of care and responsibility he had for her. Either way he felt unbalanced and unprepared.

"I'm here," said Hermione flatly. "I guess that says it all." She looked away again.

"So what have you to say for yourself?" he said, trying not to sound too harsh.

Hermione shrugged her shoulders slightly. "Nothing. I was stupid and full of myself. I thought I could do it." Her voice carried no emotion whatsoever.

Alarmed, Severus paused. He was vaguely prepared for her anger or her tears, but he didn't know how to respond to this apathy. "It was an error in judgment, certainly. However, the simple fact remains that you were able to do basic conjuring. The effort wasn't fully realized, and obviously you shouldn't try it again until you're better prepared, but you did it. That is promising, Miss Granger. As for your injuries, you might have a temporary set back, but you'll recover after a time of rest."

She turned her head, and with haunted eyes, said, "Oh good, a chance to watch more time slip away from me. More recovery. I can't wait."

Severus frowned. "Yes, more time to rest and get well. You will stay in hospital until Madame Pomfrey sees fit to release you. Then you will take a full week away from magic. To ensure that you don't exert yourself, I will ask for your wand to keep safe until you need it again. You may attend classes, if you feel well enough, but after discussion with Professors Flitwick and McGonagall, it has been decided that you will no longer be attending their classes."

"What?" Hermione cried, looking at him sharply. "What do you mean not attending their classes? I have to take Transfiguration and Charms to become a fully qualified witch."

"Yes, I know that, Miss Granger," said Severus, "You will complete the courses in independent study with both professors. That way you can progress at your own pace and not compare yourself to your classmates. We're working on your schedule to make sure your other classes aren't disrupted."

"Oh," said Hermione, closing her eyes. She stared at the ceiling. "This will never end. Maybe I should... "

"Should what, Miss Granger," said Severus, catching Poppy Pomfrey's eye. She had been watching them closely from her desk since he walked into the room.

"Nothing," said Hermione.

"For our next session after your week of rest, why don't you bring Potter or Weasley along?" said Severus trying to lighten the mood. "I thought we could practice hexes, and you'll need a subject."

Hermione didn't respond, but her eyes flickered with anger. 'Good,' thought Severus, 'Show any emotion you want; don't close down.'

"I will leave you to rest," said Severus, standing, "I will be checking on you frequently while you're in the Infirmary. Good night, Miss Granger."

Hermione nodded in his direction and went back to staring into space. Severus walked over to Poppy. With a flick of his wand, he cast a Voice Muffling charm, and asked, "What is going on, Poppy? What's wrong with her?"

"I don't know, Severus, but she's not acting like her normal self at all. And I've seen her in here enough to know the difference," replied Poppy worriedly. "Even Harry couldn't get more than a faint smile out of her."

"Then it wasn't just me and my considerable lack of charm," Severus said wryly.

"Of course not, Severus," said Poppy. "I've done a thorough examination of Miss Granger. All of her body systems are working within normal parameters. I didn't do a brain scan yet, as I wasn't sure what magic she would be allowed to do."

"From what the Healer at St. Mungo's told me, she should have total rest for a week. Do you have her wand?"

"Yes, right here," said Poppy, reaching into a desk drawer. "Are you sure that confiscating it is a good idea? I shudder to think how I'd feel if someone took my wand from me. Don't you think she'll be insulted that you don't trust her?"

"I don't trust her," said Severus with a snort, slipping Hermione's wand into one of his robe pockets. "Not when it comes to using magic when she shouldn't. She's one of the most overachieving, presumptuous students I've taught. Of course she would use it, if only to see what she could and couldn't do. I won't risk her further hurting herself out of hubris."

"Well, you're right on that account," said Poppy, "She is a driven girl. Frankly, I'm worried about her mental state. I think we should consult with Minerva, as Head of Gryffindor House, about addressing this issue. Maybe it's time for Miss Granger to receive a different kind of help. Mind you, I have noted how well you work with her, but we both know that dealing with emotional situations is not your forte. I watched you floundering just now."

"Let's give her a little time," said Severus cautiously. "When do you think she should go back to Gryffindor Tower?"

"Oh, I should think by tomorrow morning," replied Poppy, glancing worriedly at Hermione's still form. "She's not ill but for her previous injury. Poor child, why did this have to happen to her?"

"A question I've asked myself time and time again, Poppy," said Severus miserably. "You'll let me know right away if there is any change in her condition?"

"Of course, Severus," said Poppy, smiling, "I know how much her recovery means to you."

"I know how much it means to her," said Severus. "Finite incantatem. Good night, Poppy."

"Good night, Severus," she replied. She watched him go, thinking for a moment that this young man bore more weight on his soul than anyone she'd ever known. She had her suspicions as to why he'd been assigned to Hermione's case, knowing as she did the gaps in his history. Despite the ominous rumors, and his own off-putting manner, Poppy rather liked Severus. He was excellent about keeping the Infirmary well stocked with the potions she needed, which freed up her time to care for patients. The Potions master before him had never offered that assistance.

Poppy sighed, and her thoughts turned towards Hermione. The child was suffering, and while she knew many things about a patient's mind and body, she had rarely faced a situation like this. A Listener was clearly required at this point. Writing the notation down in Hermione's chart, she decided to recommend this course of action to Minerva first thing in the morning. Her train of thought was derailed by a commotion coming from the entrance if the Infirmary.

"Ow, my eye, my eye," squealed a Slytherin third year, holding a hand to her unnaturally bulging left eye.

"Shut up, you cow," shrilled her companion, "Look what you've done to my feet."

Poppy Pomfrey rolled her eyes. This hex happy generation of Slytherins would be the death of her. She waved her wand to replace the privacy curtains around Miss Granger. "What's this now?" she said, in her most disapproving voice possible, and she scurried over to deal with her new patients. When the next morning came, she would find the urgency of her request for a Listener tempered by Miss Granger's seemingly improved mood. Later, she would berate herself for being so easily assuaged.

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When Hermione left the Hospital Wing, she retreated directly to her room. She didn't stop to talk with Harry or Ron, saying she wanted to rest. She tried to feel furious with Snape for taking her wand, but it took too much of her energy. Hermione was quickly becoming vexed with seeing the looks of pity and worry directed towards her, but again, the energy to care eluded her. She wanted to be totally ignored for awhile. Picking up a novel from the box her parents sent her, she began to read, ignoring the soft knock on her door. After a few pages, the knock became a bit more pronounced.

"What is it," she called out, annoyed.

"It's Ginny," said a soft voice from behind the door. "Can I come in a minute?"

"I'm not feeling well, Ginny," said Hermione, "Maybe later."

There was a pause. "We're all worried about you, Hermione. I just want to see if you're all right."

"I'm fine," said Hermione testily, "I simply want some peace and quiet. Tell Ron and Harry that I'll talk to them soon enough."

"I'll tell them," said Ginny, "but it would be better if you told them yourself. They didn't send me up here, Hermione."

Hermione tossed her book down in frustration and stomped to the door. Cracking it open, she peered at Ginny Weasley's gentle face. "You've seen me now, Ginny," she said, trying to keep the edge of irritation out of her voice. "I'm fine, and I promise I'll feel more up to dealing with everyone later. Now can you leave me alone for awhile? Please?"

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable or angry," said Ginny, "but you're my friend, too."

Hermione smiled a tired smile. She knew Ginny was sincere, but that didn't make it any easier for her to talk with her. "I know, Ginny. Thanks for checking up on me. Maybe we could take a walk later and chat."

"I'd like that," Ginny said, "I'll let you get back to your rest." She closed the door carefully. Hermione flopped onto her bed and scooped a napping Crookshanks into her arms. Her mind swept her back into the well-worn wallows of her fears of the future. Hugging Crookshanks closely to her, Hermione shook in noiseless sobs for what seemed like hours.