Regaining

Thanks to all the people giving me input at WIKTT - your thoughts have been very helpful. Thanks still to my regular beta, Jen.

I also wanted to mention that a lot of the fear and angst reflected in Hermione are very similar to what I went through several years ago when diagnosed with adult onset asthma. It may not sound like a big deal to have to take medicine for the rest of your life, but when you are faced with taking medicines that make you feel so not like yourself, it is a big deal. The emotions and the illness made for a not very pleasant me - self pity, complaining, despair, etc. I am much better now though, and Hermione will get better, too. SO just a little bit of Mary Sue-ing there ;)

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Hermione had enjoyed Herbology even though she was quite tired and miffed from her embarrassing encounter with Professor Snape. She hadn't quite been able to transfigure her slippers into shoes, but after a dose of pain drops, she had managed to make them brown and less fuzzy by the time she got to class. No one else had noticed her footwear at any rate. After class she had eaten an early lunch and then napped the afternoon away. She woke up feeling a bit fuzzy but not in pain. She had not looked forward to picking up her reformulated potion, and she was pleased to discover she had been spared that task. Snape must have sent the new vial to her via one of the house elves because it had been on her desk when she awoke. She was grateful he had sent it to her, even as she wondered why he had done such a considerate thing. It didn't seem to fit with his behavior that morning, or well, any time actually. A bit leery of taking the Magnifying potion again, Hermione swallowed down the dosage. This time she felt the same strange sensation of tingling power surge through her, but it did not overwhelm her. Dinner was uneventful and slightly less talkative, much to Harry and Ron's relief. Hermione's spirit felt lifted in a non-chemically enhanced way. That night she again excused herself to study the medical texts. She began reading avidly, this time able to concentrate and take notes just as she had hoped. After a few hours, some very interesting revelations, and some serious concerns raised, she was ready for bed. She worried she might not be able to sleep, as the information was still swirling in her head, but she dropped right off. Crookshanks settled down beside her, curling up against the small of her back. He was most relieved that his person was staying put.

Wednesday and Thursday were the first days since the poisoning that Hermione felt close to her normal self. Her classes went much better than they had the first days back, in no small part because Hermione was in a much better mood mentally and physically. She was still not excited to be going down to the Potions classroom at 4:00 on Thursday, but this time she felt she could handle it at least. Plus she now had questions she wanted answered.

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On Thursday at lunch time, Severus was drinking tea and picking at a plate of food in the empty Staff Room. He purposefully came here at lunch because most of the other teachers either had lunch in their rooms or in the Great Hall. He liked a change of scenery during the day once in awhile, and this was as good a place as any to think. Today he was primarily reflecting on the Leeching Elixir and how he could make Hermione's situation better. He had hoped the new potion would work, and since he had not been called to the hospital wing or been confronted by a raving Gryffindor yet, he assumed it had. Unless she had had been too stubborn to get help for another reaction, that is. This was a possibility, considering that Hermione Granger was not turning out to be a meek patient waiting for advice and comfort as he had dreaded. He chuckled softly again at the image of her standing in the doorway the previous morning with that indignant expression and those hideous slippers. That was something he was not likely to ever forget. He had been disappointed that the first Magnifying potion had failed - the new version would be much less powerful. First thing this afternoon's session he would spell a brain scan to see how well the new formula was working. Today would also likely be the day of many questions. Hermione would have had time to go over some of the texts and would no doubt be ready for some answers. He just hoped he would be ready for all of her questions.

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Hermione felt the cold dampness of the dungeons cling to her when she stepped down the first steps. Outside it was snowing heavily, and the chill in the air was even pervading the warmer areas of the castle. She shivered even though she was wearing a thick sweater under her robes. Maybe she could talk Snape into lighting a fire. It was going to be freezing in his classroom today. She wasn't as hesitant as she had been the previous day, but she was still nervous about being alone with the most difficult teacher at Hogwarts. Professor Snape had been kind to her in his own way, she supposed. Her medicines were working, and the books he had provided were of great assistance in understanding her condition more. Still, there was a dread inside her, quieter perhaps than the first day, but there nonetheless. This was still an exercise in the great unknown.

She hesitated for a brief moment in the doorway. The classroom was darker than usual because the light from the windows was muted by the wintry clouds. She dimly saw Professor Snape working at his desk across the room.

"Sir," she said, "I am here as scheduled." She walked into the classroom and stopped at the front student table. She stood for a moment, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence.

Snape was in the middle of marking a 2nd year essay with violent quill strokes of red. "A moment please, Miss Granger," he said dismissively.

Hermione drummed her fingers on the table, not realizing how loudly the sound echoed across the room. 'How irritating,' she thought. 'And I made sure to be here precisely on time.'

After a moment, Severus put aside the essay and rose to his feet. "Very well, shall we get to work?" he said evenly, while walking around his desk to stand in front of it, facing her with the student table in between them. While he had been finishing marking the essay, he had actually been observing her from the corner of his eye. Her color looked good, and the smudges under her eyes were less noticeable. The annoyed look growing more pronounced on her face as he studied her was an extra added delight. He appreciated the fire snapping in her eyes even as it unsettled him..

"Professor Snape, I have some issues I wish to discuss with you before we begin," Hermione said, "I was able to do some research, and I'm rather concerned about some of the things I learned."

Severus leaned back against his desk, crossing his arms across his chest. 'And so it begins,' he thought.

"Please proceed, Miss Granger. What do you wish to discuss?" He tried very hard to keep his tone of voice neutral.

Hermione took a deep breath and pulled from her pocket a parchment scroll filled with notes written in her neat hand. "Firstly, I am very concerned about the nature of the Magnifying potion you are giving me. I did not realize that Magic Magnifying potions were controlled substances. I do not like the fact that I was given an opiate based substance that has been shown to be addictive."

Anger at his methods being questioned by a mere student welled up inside of Severus. He took a moment before he spoke again in order to gain better control if his tongue. "I assume you have read the rather sensationalistic chapter on Controlled Palliatives and Enhancers in the Magical Brain Injuries text?" Hermione nodded, her lips pursed together in a way that reminded him too much of Minerva McGonagall. "Miss Granger, I assure you that the potion I have made for you is safe. This potion is opiate based, but the opiate is also magically bound with periwinkle essence, which negates the addictive qualities. The Headmaster and I have also received official sanction from the Ministry to brew the potion and administer it. I can show you the certificate, if you wish."

"Then this is not the same as the outlawed potion?" asked Hermione, still skeptical.

"The illegal Magic Magnifying potion is quite different from the one I am brewing for you," he replied. "This is not some remedy picked up in the dark corners of Knockturn Alley. For one thing, the periwinkle essence is not used in the potion obtained illicitly. If you are still concerned, I have a book from my personal library that contrasts the nature of illegal potions and their legal counterparts."

"I would very much like to borrow it. Secondly, and this still regards the potions I am taking, I am very disconcerted at the thought of taking daily medications for the rest of my life," she continued, her voice shaking a bit under his stare, "What kind of research has been done on the effects of pain drops on a person using them for an extended period of time?"

"Once again, Miss Granger, I am not making up these potions for you with disregard for your welfare," Severus replied through clenched teeth. "I will be... happy to send for abstracts from St. Mungo's on your pain drops if you wish."

"I would be most grateful for any more information," said Hermione, her voice taking on a complaining tone. "You must understand that this is a very frightening situation for me in many ways. My experience with sickness has been limited, and the idea of having my body constantly regulated by potions for the rest of my life is not a very pleasant one. I mean to say, what if you had at sixteen faced the prospect of taking medications for the rest of your life? It is scary, knowing my hopes for the future are dashed, and if the truth were out, I would be looked at as even more of a freak than I already am."

Severus raised one eyebrow and said wryly, "How do you know I did not face a similar situation? By the way, self pity does not become you, Miss Granger, and it achieves nothing."

Hermione looked up, shocked. "Self pity... " she said incredulously, "I am merely concerned about my well-being."

"As am I, Miss Granger," said Severus. He had meant to say something scathing, but what he had said came out more sincerely than he expected. He sighed. "Now what of your other questions? Please continue. Keep in mind that I would like to start your magical assessments sometime in the near future."

Hermione looked down again at her notes. She had been rehearsing this last question in her head all day. She wasn't sure if she really wanted the answer, but she needed to know. "I wanted to know one more thing, sir. Erm... in the reading I have done so far, I have found no reference to any kind of potion used in connection with the Dark Arts that matches what I was given." She paused. This was much harder than she had thought it would be now that she was here, standing in Snape's glowering presence. "How do you know so much about the Leeching Elixir? Both you and the Headmaster emphasized that you knew more about this than anyone else. It would seem that you are the only one who knows about it." She looked up at him finally. Even in the dim light she could see his face blotching with sickly color. "Why would that be?" she whispered.

Severus was so taken aback that he could only stare at her. Acid in his stomach surged in a mighty wave, and he felt like he might be sick. This was the question he had been dreading the most, but he had had no idea she would have asked it so soon. He should have expected it. He should have realized that her intellectual curiosity and sharp mind would make this connection. He should have been ready to answer her. He wasn't.

When he didn't respond, Hermione smoothed her parchment nervously. She knew now what his answer would be, but she was not ready to hear it after all. To give them both an out, she said, "Umm.. I mean... I suppose you might have heard something about it? You know, in your work as a sp... er... in your alliances with certain... people?"

Severus was frozen in his tracks. What did this child not know? He turned away from her finally. He knew he would have to say something. He knew deep down that a lie would not do. Severus did not like to lie and never had, even though he had found that his life had become a series of ever growing falsehoods. He slowly walked back to his desk chair, sitting down heavily. He could see her watching him closely, the look on her face fluctuating between fear and hope for the best. He did not look up as he began to speak, his hands clasped tightly in front of him to keep them from writhing.

"Miss Granger, you ask an astute question, and one that can not be easily answered. However, you deserve to know the truth if we are to continue working together. The Leeching Elixir was an idea first broached by Voldemort many years ago. He wished for his most talented Potion Brewer to develop some way of purging the unworthy from the wizarding world. I... I was the one he charged with this. I came up with the theoretical design for the Elixir shortly before I defected from the service of the Dark Lord. I was working on the potion in secret. I thought that if I destroyed all of my notes, then that would be what was needed to wipe out any trace of what I had realized would be a truly horrific weapon to be unleashed upon the world. Obviously Voldemort has made the potion a priority once more. I don't know if someone had copies of my research that I didn't know about, or whether it was magically revealed, but this... this poison was based on my first design."

Hermione was listening carefully to what he was saying. She had suspected this, but hearing it in actual words was more than she could stand. As blood pounded in her ears and her face grew hotter and hotter, his horrid words were echoing through her mind. This awful person, this teacher who had done nothing to make her or her friends feel comfortable in class for six years, this... this monster was the one who had caused her all the pain, all the fear, all the worries for her future. It felt so good to have someone to blame for it all. The fury inside her was rising to a level she had never felt before. "How bloody fitting," she hissed, "So this is your fault. You did this to me. Are you actually on our side or have you been playing double agent all this time?"

Severus looked up suddenly, his eyes flashing. "No, I did not do this to you. My allegiances are well known to the person who matters the most in this war. How dare you suggest that I would... " He found himself rising from his chair to better confront her. His voice was rising as well. "Yes, my misguided theories were used against both you and myself and everyone in our world, but I did not do this to you. Believe you me, Miss Granger, if I set my mind to brewing a potion to destroy the magic of unsuspecting Muggle-borns, you would be standing here bereft of any magic at all and all the hours spent with any Healer or Potion Master in our world would be of no avail."

She had never seen Snape look this furious, and she had been on the receiving end of his rage many a time. This time his anger was fully matched by her own. How dare the bastard loom over her trying to defend his actions? She shouted in response, "I don't care what your intentions were. You made up this potion. It is your fault. My life has been altered irrevocably, and you stand there giving excuses and threatening me further. Bloody hell, I'm being terrorized for a cure by the very same person who caused the malady. How can you be so horrible and still live with yourself?"

"With much practice, my dear child," Severus replied in a deadly smooth voice, his face twisted in pain.

"Dumbledore's orders or no, I'm not staying here one more moment," Hermione said, grabbing her notes. She glared at him, her chest heaving up and down with the rush of her feelings. "I don't want your help," she spat and began walking very quickly to the door. She was not cold in the least anymore.

Severus was not going to let her leave so easily. He rushed to intercept her, standing in her path right before she reached the middle of the classroom.

"Let me by," Hermione commanded.

"Not until I am finished," he growled, his voice rough with emotion. "I will admit, I am the villain in this. It was my disastrous mistake to throw in with the Dark Lord in the first place. A mistake that I have tried to atone for every waking hour since I opened my eyes and threw myself on Albus Dumbledore's mercy. What was done to you was an evil thing. Do you think I enjoyed seeing this happen to you? Watching and waiting three days for you to wake up, dreading what I feared you would wake up to? I am the only one with the knowledge to help you, Merlin help us both. You have a challenging choice ahead of you. You can either quit yourself of my despicable presence for good and possibly never regain your powers, or you can let me help you, distressing as the thought may be. What will your decision be?"

A moment passed as their eyes locked on each other, his pleading yet proud, and hers irate and bewildered. Hermione did not - could not - respond to his question. This was too much on top of everything else. She brushed by him and then ran from the classroom. Severus could hear her angry sobs begin as she hurried off down the corridor. He stood statue-like for several minutes, and then he raised his hands to cover his eyes. How could he ever make amends for this? He stumbled through the almost full darkness of the classroom, feeling his way to his office. He sank down into the nearest chair and stared into the quiet blackness for quite some time.