A Merciless Affection

Obligatory Disclaimer: What can I say? No matter what happens to Harry and company in the end, those of us who love the HP universe will go on writing about it.

A/N: I'm sorry this chapter has taken so long to appear. Although I'm not sure 'appear' is the right word--as if I could wave a wand and poof, there's the chapter. Sadly, I've had to slowly eke out this chapter in sentences and paragraphs written in stolen moments with the fag-ends of energy left from all my other obligations. And sadly, I can't promise that the chapters which follow this one will be finished any more quickly. Our change in address, while it has given me more joy than I've felt in a long time, has not given me as much free time as I'd hoped.

I want to let everyone who reviewed know that I really appreciate your reviews on the last chapter! And, as always, a special thanks to Lady Whitehart and Cecelle for beta-ing.

Here it is. Make the enjoyment last as long as you can....

P.S. Lady Whitehart has written another "lost chapter," now available on Occlumency.

Chapter 54: I Don't Want Any Part in This Plot

"I think that, for the present, we need not worry about Bellatrix," Severus said, as they sat at the little kitchen table having tea and toast the next morning. "She was already out of favor, and after last night, it will take her a long time to regain it. You have replaced her, for the moment, as the Dark Lord's pet."

Sarah shuddered. Even in the daylight, the memory was almost unbearable. Upon reflection, there had been something more disturbing than she liked to think about in the Dark Lord's treatment of her, there at the end. Something subtly possessive in his touch that, despite his words about being a father to her, sent terrible tendrils of thought snaking around the edges of her mind. She looked anxiously at Severus. "He...he would never...?"

She could not even frame the words to express such impossible horrors. But it seemed that he understood her nonetheless.

"No...there are..." He took a deep breath. "There is some doubt whether he could, even if he would. To my knowledge, he never had a mistress. Bella.... Well, she was much petted and coddled when we were younger. But somehow I think he would not have permitted her to marry if she...if she were his in that sense. Once, when someone hinted too far, he harangued us at length on the benefits of rigid self-control." His lips twisted into a sneer.

Sarah let out a breath that was half snort, half sigh.

"And now no one--except perhaps Wormtail--knows whether his renewed body is...whole. I think," Severus went on, when he saw her shudder at the thought, "you need not fear that he will require more of you than to submit to being stroked like an animal."

"That is quite awful enough!" Sarah covered her face with her hands.

"You invited it!" he said sternly. "That was well done, regardless of how much the results trouble you. He will cater to your wishes now, as long as they do not conflict with his own."

She lowered her hands and asked fiercely, "Will he let our baby stay here in Knockturn?"

"For heaven's sake, Sarah!" Severus brought a hand down hard on the table. "Would you rather our son grew up in this...this squalor, as I did, instead of the luxury he deserves? I do not like it any better than you do that the Dark Lord now knows about the baby. That he is able to use him to manipulate us. But with Fiona prevented--"

"What about Chester? Did you see the look on his face?"

"He looked exactly as I would have, had I just watched the Dark Lord tormenting someone I cared for! Do you think that he would be such a fool as to show anything he truly felt at that moment?"

"He must blame me...." Her eyes, so much abused recently, filled with tears again.

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. It was clear to me that his enthusiasm for the Dark Lord's cause is motivated more by fear than anything else. If the Dark Lord tells him to protect the child, he will do so. Particularly if he thinks there is any risk of his mother's death."

"I'm afraid she will do something to try to get around the Vow." Sarah pressed a hand to her burgeoning abdomen. "If only out of spite."

"There is nothing we can do about that now. Stop tormenting yourself with such thoughts, Sarah!"

"I..." I can't help it--it was on the tip of her tongue. But she knew what he would say. And she knew he was right. If she could not control her impulses, sooner or later, in this perilous double-life they led, they would kill her. "I just wish there was something we could do," she finished weakly.

"We can do everything that is necessary," Severus answered stonily. "If you should develop a Gryffindor impulse to do something foolish and desperate, remember that a momentary victory means nothing if it destroys everything else we want to achieve."

Sarah stared at the table, frowning. "What about Professor Dumbledore?" she asked. Last night, with the fireworks still going off as cover, Severus had sent one of those ghost phoenix messages to the headmaster. But there had, as yet, been no reply. "We can't possibly help Draco kill him."

She was afraid that Severus would tell her that, yes, they could do exactly that. But instead he frowned deeply. "A solution will present itself," he said. But his usual arrogant confidence was gone.

They sat in silence for a time. Then, woodenly, Sarah began to clear away the dishes, setting them to wash in the sink with a charm she had finally, with Cornelia's instruction, mastered. Severus began flipping through the pages of Rastaban Black's Poisons for Everyday Use, and Sarah's heart sank; she had no inclination to study today, let alone such grim stuff. Confident that the washing charm would hold without her supervision, she wandered to the window.

The street was littered with evidence of last night's reveling: broken bottles, firework casings, even some human debris--wizards who had not managed to get back to their homes before collapsing in a drunken stupor. At least Sarah hoped that was the reason they were not awake yet at this late morning hour. Passersby were stepping over and around them with no apparent alarm, but here in Knockturn, that might not necessarily mean they were still alive. A familiar female figure caught her attention when the woman began crossing the street at a diagonal, heading for their own building.

"Aunt Miriam!" Sarah called, waving.

Miriam waved back. She was carrying a basket on her other arm. Something to eat?

"She's coming up," Sarah warned Severus. He shrugged in response, his eyes still on the book. But when Miriam knocked, he had his wand out, ready to lift the wards for her.

"Good morning!" Miriam said brightly. "I see that I waited long enough." She had a twinkle in her eye.

"Good morning," Sarah said, too weary to blush properly. She half-wanted to tell Miriam everything that had happened last night. But it was not safe. Even if it were, it would be unkind to burden the woman with the horrors involved in serving the Dark Lord.

"I thought," Miriam said, unlatching the lid of the basket, "that now you've established a household, as it were, you might be ready for this."

A flash of black and white slipped out of the basket and landed with a plop on the floor. The small, lanky, half-grown feline gave an offended meow, then looked around suspiciously.

"Carabas!" Sarah had caught sight of her promised kitten on her few visits to the Snapes', but he had been a bit standoffish. Living with the Grimms, as she'd been, there had been no question of taking him yet.

"I've put a Come Home Charm on him," Miriam said. "But you may want to keep him in and feed him well for the first few days."

"Feed him?" Severus was glaring down at the little interloper. Carabas looked up, the end of his tail twitching. "You didn't tell me there would be yet another mouth to feed."

"I never imagined you'd mind me having a cat," Sarah said defensively.

"He looks like that evil animal of yours that used to bite me." Severus glared at Miriam now.

Miriam chuckled. "Only when you refused to pet him."

Sarah tried to bend down to scoop up her cat, but Carabas would have nothing of it, and she was too ungainly now to chase him. He darted under an empty chair and crouched there, watching the humans with a mixture of anxiety and disdain.

"He'll come out when he's ready," Miriam said. "Is there anything you need?"

A Fidelius Charm? Passage to America? "No, we're fine," Sarah said. "Oh, I need to give Flora's dress robes back." She stepped toward the bedroom, but Miriam stopped her.

"She said you'd be as well to keep them for the while. Another month, more or less--"

A loud squawk interrupted her, and a furious fluttering of wings. Outside the open window, a largish owl with a letter tied to its leg had run into the wards. Severus lifted them quickly, and the bird tumbled in, noisily making its displeasure known. Under the chair, Carabas hissed.

"My goodness!" Miriam exclaimed, as the bird landed on the back of the chair. The kitten scurried into the bedroom.

Sarah, suddenly suspecting what was in the official-looking envelope, moved forward gingerly as the owl settled itself. Although it was still clearly miffed, it held out its leg.

"N.E.W.T. results," Severus said. "Go on and open it."

It seemed silly to be nervous. For good or ill, she was done with school, and nothing in that envelope would be unexpected enough to make the slightest difference to her future. But Sarah still felt an anxious fluttering in her stomach that had nothing to do with the movements of her child. She took it in her hands and tore it open carefully.

Sarah Anne Darkglass has achieved:

Astronomy - A

Herbology - E

Potions - O (see below)

Note: In consideration of unusually outstanding performance, Miss Darkglass has been awarded a Special Commendation in Potions. A certificate will follow under separate cover.

A trembly laugh bubbled up in her. Severus sprang up and snatched the paper from her hands. In a moment, a strangled guffaw broke from his lips.

"So, you did well, then?" Miriam said.

"Very well indeed," Severus said. He passed the results to his aunt.

Miriam's lips curved quietly at their corners as she studied the paper. "I see you have a right to be proud. Special commendations are very rare." She shot a look at Severus that was half-pleased, half-amused.

"Did you...?" Sarah was almost afraid to ask, for fear the answer would upset him. It occurred to her for the first time that he would not like having one of his students surpass him.

"Not in Potions," he answered curtly. He took the letter back and folded it up.

"His," Miriam said, "was in Defense Against the Dark Arts."

* * *

Miriam had not been gone very long--just long enough for Severus to discover that Carabas had made a mess in the bedroom corner--when a sudden pop rattled the front door, followed immediately by a sharp knock.

Their eyes met for a moment in anxious, questioning fear. Then Severus's expression hardened.

"Who is it?"

A familiar voice answered, "Your employer."

Severus brought down the wards and opened the door with a jerk. Standing on the threshold was a bemused old wizard wrapped in a black traveling cloak.

"Come in, quickly!" Severus hissed. He wasted no time in closing the door and then raising ward after ward, making the flat as impregnable as it had been last night.

"What's the matter?" Sarah whispered apprehensively, as soon as it seemed safe to do so. "Why did you come here?" As accustomed as she herself had become to Knockturn Alley, she was conscious of the incongruity--if not outright impropriety--of the Hogwarts Headmaster visiting this place. Her heart sank: what must he think of this tiny, decrepit flat?

"It was not wise of you to come here," Severus said tautly, as he drew up a chair to offer to Professor Dumbledore.

"Perhaps not," the old man conceded. He sank down on the chair with obvious relief, seemingly oblivious to its hard seat and back. "But I wished to speak to both of you together, and at present it seemed easier for me to come to you than the reverse." His eyes examined Sarah's awkward figure over the top of his half-moon spectacles for a moment. Then he turned to Severus.

"I received your message. You have done as well as I could have hoped for, in such a tight spot."

"Did Severus tell you everything?" Sarah asked, shocked that he could be so sanguine. She did not know how the ghost phoenix messages worked; a good opportunity to ask had never arisen. "Did he tell you that we're supposed to kill you?"

"Oh, yes," Dumbledore said quietly. "I ought to have expected as much."

"But--!"

Dumbledore raised his hand to stop her. Her subsequent stunned silence was as much a result of the appearance of that hand as the gesture itself: the skin was blackened, the flesh shriveled around the bones; it was a wonder he could use the hand at all. If this was the injury he had sustained.... Her eyes flicked to Severus, who was frowning deeply.

"At my age, Sarah," the headmaster said, "death has been a traveling companion for so long, there is nothing shocking in the idea of taking his path instead of my own. And like all the members of the Order, I am quite willing to lay down my life for the greater good."

"No good can come from leaving that witless boy without your guidance!" Severus snapped. "Nor do I wish to have any part in being the instrument of your death!"

"Nor I!" Sarah interjected.

"Nor do I wish it." Dumbledore raised his voice slightly, his blue eyes studying them keenly, without even a hint of sparkle. "But if that is what is required to defeat Lord Voldemort, can any of us refuse?"

"It's Draco Malfoy who's supposed to do it," Sarah said. "Can't we try to have him caught attempting it? We can find some other excuse for our own failure." She looked to Severus for backup.

"The boy would be safer inside Azkaban than he is now," Severus pointed out.

"I agree that it would be best to prevent him from becoming a murderer. But it is considerably more difficult to find evidence of a planned murder than one that has already been committed. And without evidence, it is impossible even to accuse Draco. Nor can we be certain that he even intends to try."

"But the Dark Lord will kill him if he doesn't," Sarah protested.

"It may be that he will discover that he would find that preferable. What do you think, Severus? You have known the boy all his life."

The younger man grimaced. "Draco has always been pampered and spoiled, particularly by his mother. Casual cruelty comes easily to him. But murder...." He shook his head. "I am not certain he could look a man in the face and kill him--I think he lacks the keen, cold edge necessary for it. But then, he is hardly likely to confront you, is he?" Severus finished with a sneer.

"We must do our best to prevent him from carrying out his orders," Dumbledore said. "But you have already warned me once, I think, that Draco no longer trusts you."

"I will simply have to try harder, won't I?" Severus said acerbically.

"Of course," Dumbledore agreed. "But you will not forget, I am sure, that he cannot be given any reason to suspect that your efforts are meant to protect me. And you realize, of course, that if we prevent Draco from carrying out his orders, you will be placed in the difficult position of having to fulfill yours."

"We simply won't," Sarah averred.

"Ah, dear girl, can you afford that? Severus told me," he nodded toward his Potions master, "that Lord Voldemort now knows of your child's existence. I assume he has taken--or will take--steps to ensure that you will comply with his commands."

"Chester Nott is to be the boy's guardian," Severus conceded.

"Chester?" Dumbledore said thoughtfully, stroking his beard. "Yes, I remember him. The choice might have been worse."

Sarah bit her tongue. It would do no good to complain to the headmaster of her aunt's behavior.

She glanced away and saw Carabas slip out of the bedroom, black tail held high and bushy in defiance of any accusation. Without warning, the lanky kitten sidled up to Severus, entwining himself around the man's legs. The action drew both men's attention immediately; Severus jolted as abruptly as if a basilisk had chosen that moment to befriend him.

"Have you finally chosen a familiar, Severus?" Dumbledore asked, in good-natured amusement. "You never had one, that I can recall."

"The beast is Sarah's," Severus answered tightly, pushing the small cat away with a foot that seemed barely restrained from kicking out. Determinedly ignoring the cat, he attempted to bring the conversation back to business. "Headmaster, I trust that you have some idea how you intend to deal with this situation."

The headmaster bent to give Carabas a reassuring pat. The kitten, apparently mollified, sauntered off. Dumbledore sat up, releasing a slow and quiet sigh. "I fear that only time will unravel much of what now seems hopelessly tangled," he said. "For the present, we can only attempt to prevent my murder. However, it seems all the more likely to me that you will find it necessary to leave Hogwarts at the end of this school year. In fact," he continued, overriding the startled words that seemed about to spring from the other man's lips, "that is the main reason I wished to speak with the two of you together. Horace Slughorn has just agreed to return to the post of Potions master. You may now teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, as you have always wished."

Severus stared at the headmaster in blank astonishment. Finally he found his voice, "So, it has come to that."

"I did warn you of the possibility," Dumbledore pointed out.

"What about my apprenticeship?" Sarah asked, almost equally stunned. Despite the logic of Dumbledore's suggestion, she had supposed--for what reasons she did not know; pure foolishness?--that nothing would change at Hogwarts.

"Horace has agreed to supervise your apprenticeship. He was quite torn over it, however--I think it almost prevented him from agreeing to take the post. Even when I reminded him that apprentices at Hogwarts are to remain unseen and unheard."

"Why...?" Sarah began, confused.

To her surprise, it was Severus who answered. "Professor Slughorn has always enjoyed cultivating, shall we say, the best contacts. I assume," he looked to Dumbledore, "he could not decide if her family name was worth the problems of associating with the daughter of a known Death Eater?"

"I fear so," Dumbledore confessed. "Horace seems quite concerned about being drawn unwillingly into Lord Voldemort's service. You will have to be very careful, Sarah, to do nothing to suggest that you have connections in that direction."

"More pretences," Sarah sighed.

"When you choose to build your life upon pretences," the headmaster said, fixing her with an unusually stern eye, "it inevitably becomes necessary to create more and more of them. I do hope," he added, more gently, "that someday those pretences can be abandoned. But for now, regrettably, you cannot avoid the consequences of the choices you have made. You can only attempt to make the best of them." His gaze strayed to Severus, whose grim expression suggested to Sarah that the old man had once told him much the same thing.

"I will be careful," Sarah said.

"I am sure you will. I don't doubt," Dumbledore said, turning to Severus, "that Horace will contact you shortly. He is rather unprepared for the coming term. Try to humor him, regardless of how painful it may be. It is becoming difficult to find anyone who is willing to teach for me at all." He frowned ruefully.

"Very well," Severus said, and it looked as if it cost him something to say it.

"Please, continue to trust me, Severus." The headmaster's expression was as grave as Sarah had ever seen it, even with all her grim private experience. "I know that may be more difficult now than it has been for many years. But please, my boy, do not let your trust in me fall short of my trust in you."

A startled look flashed through the new Defense master's hard black eyes, turning him, for just a moment, into the youth he was beside the headmaster's venerable years. Then his face hardened to its usual, impenetrable mask. "I will not fail you now."

Dumbledore nodded silently, the twinkle returning to his eyes, despite the continued seriousness of his expression.

"If you are finished dispensing your orders, you had better leave," Severus said bluntly. "The longer you remain here, the greater the danger will become of discovery."

"I quite understand. It would be best if I could Apparate from inside your flat, I think, if you are willing to risk the lifting of the anti-Apparition wards?"

With a flick of his wand, Severus let his actions answer the question. The headmaster hesitated only long enough to lift his hat briefly to Sarah, then he vanished with a loud pop.

Sarah looked to Severus, a sudden wave of desperation breaking over her. "What's going to happen? He's not going to find a way, is he?"

"How am I to know?" Severus snapped in return. He brushed a hand across his face. "I only know that time appears to be growing short, for all of us."

Sarah stood, stricken, her hand going instinctively to the roundness of her stomach. She did not know what to say, only that it seemed that she must say something, or the world would come apart at the seams.

"Stop thinking about it, Sarah!" The order was sharp. "Concern yourself with the child. Concern yourself with your studies. Leave the rest to me."

At another time, not so long ago, she would have bristled at his imperious tone. Would have rebelled at his notions of her inferior feminine place. Would have refused to be treated like the child bride she had become.

Now she wished that all of her future decisions could be that easy.

A/N: You may not have noticed, and it's hard to explain within the text, since Sarah's experience of the Patronus Charm is limited entirely to what she, herself, has seen, but you might consider what it means that Sarah thinks these messages are sent by ghost phoenix. It's the solution to the question of Snape's Patronus that I like best. :)