A Merciless Affection

Obligatory Disclaimer: Gosh, I get tired of writing these. Copyright lawyers, don't you get the picture? This is just for fun, not for profit. And I don't have any money anyway.

A/N: I want to say again that I'm very grateful to everyone who reads my story, and especially to everyone who takes the time to review, whether I manage to answer your reviews during this round or not! And a great big hug to my betas, Cecelle and Lady Whitehart, without whom I wouldn't know whether I'm getting any of this right or not.

The first section of this chapter contains some theories about the events in the canon version of "Spinner's End." Because while I firmly believe that Snape did not know what Draco's task was when Narcissa and Bella visited him, I feel equally sure that by the time Dumbledore comes to get Harry, Dumbledore not only knows about the Unbreakable Vow, but also that he is the intended target. As I was working out Narcissa's motivations in the last chapter, some things occurred to me about the probable series of events leading up to "Spinner's End" in canon. And since they work here, too, I've included them in the story. :~)

This chapter is a bit on the short side. Originally it was part of the next chapter, which turned out to be just too long. It's still very long, so you'll have that to look forward to.

Chapter 52: Save Me from My Solitude

"I'm sorry," Sarah whispered, as tears made tracks down her own cheeks. She dared not turn and look at Severus. "I just couldn't bear it."

She expected sharp words of reproof--she deserved them, perhaps--but they did not come. Only her own tears came, falling faster and faster. She hardly heard his tread on the floor before he took her shoulders from behind.

"Sarah, it was necessary for me to find out...." But the tone was more explanatory than accusatory.

"I couldn't let you risk your life in the hands of those two...."

"I risked both our lives." He breathed into her hair, and his arms slipped around her. "I should not have...I had to think quickly. Sometimes...I have always known that someday I might not think quickly enough."

"Both our lives?" Sarah echoed. "It was you they wanted to swear the Vow."

"I told them we knew of Draco's task. Both of us. If Bella should mention that fact to the Dark Lord, it will immediately become clear that I was lying...and lying for only one possible purpose: to obtain information with which I had not been entrusted."

"Then you didn't know?"

"No. And because you would have known I was lying, the Dark Lord can only assume that you, too, were spying...truly spying...upon him."

Sarah felt as if the breath had been pressed from her lungs.

"Dear God! Will we have to leave?"

He was silent, considering this, for far too long, his breath warm on her head where Bella had nearly jerked the hair out.

"Perhaps not," he said, at last. "This task is almost certain to take place at Hogwarts. Why else would Narcissa come to me?"

"I thought that, too."

"Yes. Then consider this: Narcissa almost certainly came here soon after her audience with the Dark Lord. As soon she was able to collect herself sufficiently to realize that she could attempt to seek out my help, but before she had time to consider the impropriety of entering a man's rooms in Knockturn Alley after dark. Her interview might well have been earlier this evening."

"Then...you think that the Dark Lord may still inform you about the task?" In Sarah's heart, hope rose from the ashes.

"Unless he has already decided that I am not to be trusted, it seems unlikely that he would withhold such information from me. And since the fiasco at the Ministry, I have been more and more his favorite--one of the few he is willing to see at all, for the moment."

"But why would he not tell you first?" Sarah asked, unable to shake off all her anxiety.

"Perhaps he thought I would speak against it. Draco is scarcely sixteen, and less proficient a wizard than his father was at the same age. I fear it all too likely Narcissa is correct--that the Dark Lord has given him a task which is expected to prove fatal. But its exact nature may not have been firmly decided until he had called Narcissa and Draco before him to account for Lucius's failure. His long-term plans are often built up from a moment's caprice."

"But if he doesn't tell you...?"

Silence again. "If he suspects me now, in spite of all reason to think otherwise, it may already be impossible to escape from whatever trap he has set." He held her closer. "I will give the matter some thought."

Sarah turned in his arms. "I couldn't bear to lose you."

His arms tightened, but his voice tried to hold her at a distance. "You must be stronger than that, Sarah," he chided.

"Maybe I should make you swear an Unbreakable Vow...to stay alive." Her voice broke.

"Foolish girl," he said, more ruefully than harshly. It sounded like a caress.

* * *

The next day, Severus Snape went to confession. Perhaps privately (Sarah suspected), he felt the need for some form of reconciliation with his Maker. But ostensibly, the purpose was to prepare for his marriage to Miriam's cousin.

Miriam had been expending considerable effort during the previous week to convince him that this was best course of action. It would, she had argued, legitimate their relationship in the eyes of the Alley's residents, meaning that Sarah need no longer live with the Grimms. It would also give Sarah a degree of status that would permit her to be accepted in Knockturn as more insider than outsider. And more importantly than any of these things, it would make public--admittedly for a very small value of the word 'public'--the fact that he had married a young woman named Sarah that summer. An ordinary young woman from Bristol, who could scarcely be connected to such a noble house as that of Darkglass. It was a sleight of hand that might prevent scandal later on.

No, Severus had protested, it was too hazardous, what with Connor undoubtedly still listening for word of his enemy. Her importance to him, thus acknowledged, would put Sarah in even greater danger than before. Their open courtship was risky enough. He would not even consider it.

But his inadvertent admission of their marital status to Bellatrix last night had changed his mind. It was altogether unlikely the woman would keep that information to herself, and if (or, more realistically, when) the Dark Lord questioned him about it, he must have something in his mind to supply the necessary images and emotions to satisfy his Master. A picture of Albus Dumbledore presiding over a ceremony with a frightened and unwilling girl would not do.

Severus was gone for hours. In part, that was because of the arrangements that were necessary: among other things, there could be no banns. But it was a very pale-faced priest who solemnized the marriage of an almost equally pale-faced man and his anxious young bride that afternoon.

In theory, only Severus's family were to attend, but it was impossible, in a place where there were so few entertaining public events, not to attract the curious. In the end, more than a dozen people, many of them children, pressed into the chapel behind Nick and Devin Crabbe, Jacob and Cornelia Grimm, and Miriam Snape. Caius Snape had refused to come, with the threat that he would speak up against them if Miriam spoke one more word to urge him.

Sarah's dress robes would not fit over her stomach now, but Miriam had sent to Flora for hers. (Martin Mantua could not get time off on such short notice, and Flora was hesitant to bring an active toddler into the church.) Sarah felt oddly protected in Flora's pale blue robes. Or perhaps it was the knowledge that she was surrounded by people who would protect her...who had already put themselves at risk to do so. She had never, in all her life, felt that kind of safety. It was the chief thing of which she was conscious during the ceremony.

This second ceremony was not a great deal longer than their first had been. Almost before she could properly realize it, the silver band he had given her then was on her finger once more. It was no longer a Portkey--Professor Dumbledore had removed the spell before they left Hogwarts--but she had not dared to wear it openly. She cherished the idea that she now could, if only for a little while.

Wearing the matching silver ring which she had not seen since that fateful day, Severus's slender hand seemed a stranger to her. Especially when he used it to toss out a handful of Knuts at the door of the church for the children to scramble after. Sarah, in her turn, threw the little nosegay of Ever-Blooming Flowers that Cornelia had made for her. She was delighted to see it fall into the hands of the girl who had carried her message to Miriam that day, so many months ago.

The joy Sarah felt in finally being able to openly acknowledge their marriage was short-lived, however. After a wedding supper, held at the Grimms', they tried to retreat back to the flat. But by now, this whole end of Knockturn knew about the wedding, and unwilling to pass by such a darling excuse for a party, the inhabitants had thrown themselves into merrymaking with a vengeance. Someone had brought a wireless to a window, and the air was filled with raucous music. The reappearance of the bride and groom set off a general hubbub. Lewd jokes flew thick and fast, and Severus had to rescue her rather forcefully from being carried off, whether to dance with the revelers or for some other purpose of their amusement.

In the end, Severus had to Apparate into the building and open the Floo connection long enough for her to step through from the Grimms'. But before long, the crowd realized that the newlyweds had managed to get to their rooms, and a variety of spying devices were sent up to the windows. Cursing, Severus added an Imperturbable Charm to the other wards. It did not entirely block out the sound of the partying down on the street, however.

"This was the sort of thing I was afraid of," Severus growled.

They had lain down on the bed with their clothes still on, too tired to think of getting up to what everyone was imagining.

"Well, it can't be helped now," Sarah said. Truth to tell, she was finding the insanity of the whole business almost inexorably amusing. If she had really been Miriam's virgin cousin from Bristol, it would have undoubtedly been more annoying. But as it was, when their tormentors got into the building shortly after this and began banging on the walls and the floor, she started giggling furiously.

"This is not amusing!"

"I'm sorry," she gasped. "I just...it's just...did you ever think anything could be worse than our first honeymoon?"

Severus stared at her, his face wavering between a blank look and an angry, hurt one.

"I only meant," she said, more seriously, as she reached out to stroke his face, "that I'm happier now than I was then. In spite of all that out there."

He got up and cast Munio Silencio on the walls, floor and ceiling, and a blessed quiet fell. Only the failing light of the evening sun, filtered by the curtains, came through the windows now.

When he returned to the bed, his dark eyes studied her for only a moment, bewildered and contented all at once, before he leaned in to kiss her. "If only I dared to be so happy," he whispered.

"Someday," she whispered back, her hand going again to press the side of his face.

For all that she had thought they were too tired to consummate their vows, it happened nonetheless. Almost without intending to, they went from gentle, undemanding touches to an irrepressible need to relieve their shared longings. Even her belly seemed less in the way than usual, despite its ever-increasing roundness. Every caress was a reminder that this child would be born altogether legitimate, and the joy she felt in that was nearly as great as her joy in stroking the ring on Severus's hand. She did not doubt he would take it off again, as soon as the need for secrecy demanded, if not sooner. But for now, it marked him as hers, and she reveled in it.

Beginning their relationship as they had, Sarah had seldom felt anything more in the act than physical pleasure, and she was certain it had been the same for him. But this time was one of those when their souls seemed to touch, almost to join, as intimately as their bodies, and the effort made for a shared climax seemed hardly any extra effort at all. When it was over, though, Sarah felt more drained than she ever had, and from the gaunt lines of his face, she guessed that Severus felt the same. He collapsed beside her, breathless. She intended to curl up to him, in just another minute, as she usually did in sleep. But she was so weary. In just another minute....

* * *

Sarah thought, at first, that it was the flash of one of the intermittent fireworks outside the window that had awoken her. But she knew her mistake when she saw the shape beside her in the dark sitting up, clutching at his arm.

"What if he...?" she whispered, wavering between fear and relief. Every day that passed without this summons was, in one sense, a day to be feared--a day that passed without the Dark Lord deciding to tell his spy about Draco's mission at Hogwarts. In that respect, it was a good sign for Severus to be summoned so quickly. But then there was Bella and her machinations. And if she had succeeded so soon, despite her present disfavor, in gaining the Dark Lord's ear to reveal everything she knew about the Hogwarts Potions master....

"Prepare yourself." Severus was up, drawing on his robes. His voice was a harsh whisper. "He may summon you."

"But...." Sarah stopped herself. Severus had no choice. She had no choice. If their Dark master called, they would have to obey. A cold knot seemed to be tightening around her lungs, heart and gut. "Go," she urged, "before he gets impatient."

He slipped out the door without a kiss or word of farewell, but that was necessary. If the Dark Lord suspected that he truly cared for her.... But no, if she were called before him now, everything would be revealed. She forced herself out of bed, feeling about on the floor for her shoes.

No, not everything, she chided herself desperately. The mere fact of her pregnancy did not implicate either of them as disloyal. The chief danger was that the carelessness, the risk that had been involved, might anger him.

Sarah wavered only a moment in indecision before she changed into her nightgown--it was late enough that it would make sense for her to have been asleep in bed. She fastened the illusion belt over it, just under her ribs, in the space that now passed for her waist. Over that went the old school robe she used as a dressing gown. She wished that her old dressing gown still fit--she did not want to remind the Dark Lord that she had, until recently, been a student. But it would not close around her stomach anymore, and it was absolutely necessary for it to appear that she was making a real effort to hide her pregnancy.

When she tried to fasten the buttons, she discovered that her hands were trembling too badly to manage it. She sank down on the bed, hoping that would steady her. What was happening at this very moment? An ordinary interview, in which Severus would be given the necessary information about Draco to carry out his role at Hogwarts? Or was Severus writhing on the ground, tortured with Crucio, with Bella watching in delight?

The very thought of Bellatrix Lestrange hardened Sarah's resolve. She brushed roughly at the tears that had sprung to her eyes, and forced her hands through the motions of buttoning her robe.

If he was going to be sent back for her, he wouldn't have been gone so long. It must have been more than ten minutes. No, the clock said otherwise: barely five. Severian gave her a firm jab. Dear God, will he be alive in another ten minutes, if the Dark Lord calls for me?

Tears came unstoppably now. She sobbed and gasped far worse than Narcissa had done last night, her whole body shaking, although whether from the sobs themselves or her effort to hold them back, it was difficult to say.

Stop this! She could not afford to lose control. Not now. If only Severus were here to speak sternly to her, to bring her to her senses! Think! You're crying: it can't be hidden. How can you use it?

I'm terrified that the Dark Lord will hurt my child.

You would be terrified of that, at this moment, even if you were as loyal as he believes you to be. You have deceived him.

He would punish her. She shook with sobbing at the fear of that. No, focused her fear on that. Yes, he might very well punish her, unless she gave him reason not to.

If Bella had managed to have her complaints heard, what would he know? That she was pregnant? Maybe not. Bella had known that before and not revealed it. But that they were married...had been married without the Dark Lord's blessing or permission.... Yes, that information might give the woman the revenge she desired. And if that were so....

Sarah struggled to alter today's events in her mind, to place them further in the past, before their unexpected visitors. She had married Severus here in Knockturn, but it had been a week or more ago. Days, at least.

She jumped sharply at the crack of someone Apparating outside the door. She barely had time to stand up before Severus was through the outer door and into the bedroom.

"Are you ready?" He studied her uplifted face grimly.

"What does he know?"

"Nothing, yet. Or so I hope. He said he has instructions for us, but he wants to convey them to us both together." His eyes went to her seemingly flat stomach. "That secret will not keep."

"I know," Sarah whispered back. She took his hands and squeezed them. "I'm frightened."

"I.... Do not prevent me from doing whatever is necessary to protect you, Sarah." The edge on his voice was jagged. "We must go, now."

He stalked to the fireplace, lifted the block on the Floo connection, and conjured a fire on the grate.

"Where are we going?" Sarah asked, mystified. She had expected another Portkey.

"Notting Chase. It appears," Severus said, when she gasped, "that your uncle's family are also being forced to pay a recompense for the incident at the Ministry, by serving directly as the Dark Lord's hosts."

He held out the tin of Floo Powder, and Sarah took a pinch and cast it into the fireplace. It was an uncomfortably small fireplace, but she had developed a technique for folding her ungainly body into it. She had hoped that it would never be necessary again.

Eyes closed against the soot, and trying hard to keep her voice from trembling, she forced out her destination.

A/N: Did you catch the Rickman moment? :~)

Lady Whitehart assures me that a plot bunny named "Severus's Confession" has been conceived. I'll inform you all when it is born. ;~)

Speaking of which, I'll reiterate that although I've made my leading characters Catholic, because it seemed to suit them, I'm not. Lady Whitehart has tried to keep me from messing up too egregiously, but any remaining errors are my fault, not hers.

Yes, I realize that this is a bad spot to leave you in. I am going to try very hard to get the next chapter uploaded before we move. I don't want to be that cruel.