Ideals

"How could you?!" Ginny screamed, before slamming the door.

How could I what? I want to demand of her, but don't. Instead I go back down the stairs. Even if I had asked, she wouldn't have been able to give me an answer. Because she doesn't know what it was I really did just now.

On the sidewalk I head for the train station. I really do have a pair of tickets after all. Really made reservations at that resort in Atlantis and even arranged for a table at that restaurant The Harpy's Table. Had to, the cover story wouldn't have held up if I hadn't. The next item on the list is to get a refund on the tickets by throwing around my well-known clout and respected or feared (depending upon which side you owe your allegiance to) family name.

I wonder if this is the sort of thing Prof- Severus goes through.

Damn, I have to remember to call him Severus...

How does he deal with it? I know he drinks, but that's to keep up his tolerance. At least, I've never seen him drunk. Does he even know which side he is working for anymore? I hope he does! ...I hope his side wins...he deserves that much. At the meetings I sometimes watch him and wonder; is that how I'll end too? Will I just be hanging onto what they say and what I remember of the truth and my ideals?

Sure I joined back while I was still a student, like Severus, but he's been doing this most of his life, over thirty years, while this is my first 'real' assignment. But, when did I really decide to do this- to accept this position? When did I decide to become whatever was asked of me? 'For the greater good,' as Albus likes to say.

Walking into the station I don't look at anyone, I look through them. Pretending I'm alone. That's easy to do, been doing it all my life. The hard part is to not care that they are looking through me too. Seeing my father and mother, and my reputation, instead of me. But then, it's always been that way too.

Some people are staring and poking at each other, whispering to each other, making sure it's really me. I still find them pathetic followers, but now they are useful pathetic followers. With barely a glance, not even turning my head, I could cause them to go into a frenzy getting the attention of everyone in the station. Which can be useful, sometimes. But not today.

Today I am supposed to have just broken off my engagement to the girl I had been with since we had gone to Hogwarts together. Today I need to be even more aloof than normal.

I suppose that if she knew why I was really doing this, she would have reacted differently. She might have even understood that it was for her that I was doing this.

Severus made sure that I would understand the consequences of being 'involved' while being 'active'. The two don't go together. That's all there is to it. And he's right.

Because of my family name, because of my social status, because every bleeding Wizard on this bleeding island knows who I am by sight, because of a thousand things, I have to join the fight.

In the private sector I will be able to move through the ranks of whatever job I am ordered to take. I still don't understand how the Order could be so well placed that I won't have to earn the job. I won't even have to be qualified!

With this job, whatever it will be, I'll be able to maintain a public image. I'll be able to work in the background because there will be enough in the foreground to hide my actions.

Getting the tickets refunded is easy enough, within the hour the story will hit the papers; I'm available again. Oh joy! I'm too important to commit suicide. Severus made sure I understood that one too. I wonder if he would mind company for a few drinks...

Back out in the sunlight I look both ways before crossing the street. It's not to check for traffic, it's to make sure I am being watched by people.

How could I?!

Ginny, the only reason I could leave you...is to protect you.

That's why I joined the Order and why I 'let popularity go to my head'. It's why I am 'breaking your heart' and it's why I have become a 'cold, caricature of a human'. So that someday, your children will be safe. Even if they can't be ours.