A Madness Most Discreet

A Madness Most Discreet

In the moonlight, Sirius looked beautiful enough to be a girl. He had the kind of fair skin and soul-penetrating blue eyes that lent him an ethereal look so many girls tried to achieve using shimmering makeup and luminescence charms. His hair - an ebony to put the night sky to shame - was long, its silken strands coming to rest just beneath the sharp lines of his collar bone. When he tilted his chin up to gaze at the moon as he was doing now, it was impossible to deny the seduction in his face. He was beauty personified in the unlikeliest of vehicles.

"Did you say something, Moony?"

No. And he could never seem to say anything. He followed the line of Sirius's gaze out of the Shrieking Shack and saw the moon hanging low on the horizon, its silvery form hovering just above the trees of the forest. It was only a day to the full moon, and his bones still ached with a deep and persistent pain that never left him now. He felt older than time itself, and it was in no way a pleasant feeling.

"Are you okay?"

Remus nodded; he was as well as he could be, under the circumstances. Moving his gaze away from the moon and back to his well-favored friend, he attempted a smile which came out more tremulous than he'd planned. "I'm fine, Padfoot. Stop fussing."

Sirius narrowed his breathtakingly blue eyes for a moment. "I am not fussing, Remus. I'm just trying to take care of you. Are you sure you're all right? Because you don't look all right."

Something inside of Remus stepped back and marveled at this moment. Here was Sirius Black, notorious heartbreaker and callous best friend, fretting over him like his mother and refusing to be pushed away. Here was Sirius Black, whose attention span couldn't be much longer than a goldfish's, putting his hand on Remus's forehead and frowning because he'd actually studied Remus long enough to think maybe he was sick and just being petulant about it. Sirius Black!

Remus shied away from Sirius's touch and leaned against the window frame. So maybe he was being a bit petulant, but he always felt sick before his transformations. There wasn't anything anyone could do about it, least of all Sirius. "Don't touch me," he sighed, closing his eyes. "It's too hot for anything approaching close contact."

"Too hot?" Sirius sounded like a lost child. He wasn't used to being pushed away by people, let alone one of his best mates. "It's hardly April, Moony. And you're wearing a sweater. I think you're coming down with something; do you want me to take you back to the school?"

"What?" Remus opened his eyes to Sirius's worried face looming close to his. Remus quivered at being so close to him, wide-eyed to see the apprehensive frown and anxiously puckered brow so near he could tilt his head up and brush them with his lips. "No," he said softly, afraid to move. "I told you: I'm all right."

"You're trembling," Sirius replied, apparently unaware of the effect he was having on his friend. He bit his lip in consternation and moved to smooth the hair from Remus's forehead. Remus nearly passed out, but then he looked over Sirius's shoulder and focused on the moon shining low in the sky. If there was one thing in the world that could put a stop to this aching lust he felt for his friend, it was the sight of the moon and all its implications.

"I'm not," Remus countered, hugging his arms to himself and wishing he wasn't so cold all of a sudden. Hadn't he been hot just a second ago?

Sirius rolled his eyes but took a step back anyways. "You're loony is what you are," he muttered. "Come on, Remus. Let me take you to see Madam Pearce. James and Peter won't be back for an hour yet."

"Who? Oh, James and Peter. Yes, where the hell are those two? They're certainly taking their sweet time." Remus registered with faint surprise the fact that he was babbling, something entirely unlike him. He glanced at Sirius to see if he'd noticed, but Sirius was looking away again, out through the window and in the direction of Hogsmeade, where James and Peter obviously still were. The moonlight rippled on his dark hair as he turned back to Remus.

"Well, I don't expect them back for a while anyway. James said something about sneaking a bottle of firewhiskey. Remus, I really think you ought to--Remus, what's wrong?"

Remus couldn't answer him mostly because he wasn't exactly sure what was wrong. His vision was swimming in a most peculiar manner, and the knot in his stomach he thought came from being in such close proximity to Sirius suddenly grew, making him unexpectedly nauseous. He put a hand against the wall to steady himself, but his fingers never brushed the wood. Instead, he felt himself falling and he heard Sirius's startled curse as the other boy was too late to catch him.

What seemed like hours later, but was probably only a few short minutes, Remus's eyes fluttered open. He was lying flat on his back, a sharp pain in his left shoulder the telltale reminder of what had just happened to him. Struggling to sit up, he jumped as two elegant hands pressed down on his chest, forcing him back into a lying position. Staring upwards, he saw Sirius lean over him, a faint smile ghosting his perfect lips. He was sitting with Remus's head in his lap, and his fingers rose to stroke Remus's feathered hair.

"You gave me quite a turn, Moony. I told you there was something wrong with you. Why didn't you listen to me?"

Remus didn't hear a word Sirius had said. First off, his head hurt too much to translate any noise into English, and secondly, Sirius was stroking his hair! His head was in Sirius's lap! He lay quietly, trying to calm the roiling in his stomach and the buzzing in his brain while appreciating his newfound position in the world as Sirius's patient.

"Moony, are you awake? Moony? Remus!"

Remus's eyes snapped open, his reverie broken by Sirius who was shaking his shoulders roughly and staring down at him in concern again.

"I'm awake," he said calmly. "I'm fine." He let his eyes drift shut again, reveling in the touch of Sirius's cool fingertips on his warm face. "Everything's all right."

"Like hell everything's all right," Sirius fumed. "You just passed out, and now you look like you're hallucinating."

Remus looked up at his friend, wondering if he'd normally be amused by the mixture of anxiety and anger painting Sirius's face. Perhaps so, but at the moment the tempest swirling about in his stomach made him feel as if he was going to throw up. "Sirius," he murmured, trying to get up again so he could go be sick without embarrassing himself further by having Sirius watch him. It was one thing to faint in front of one's lust object, quite another to vomit in front of them.

"Don't get up!" Sirius said a little too loudly, sounding halfway to panic. Remus shrank back onto the floor, his ears pounding, and his nausea briefly forgotten. Merlin, this is worse than any hangover! he thought miserably to himself, pressing his fingers into his eyelids and immediately regretting it as little blue spots blossomed like fireworks in the darkness and pain shot through his skull.

"Oh God," he groaned, rolling over and retching against the floorboards. Sirius leapt back as though scalded, then immediately moved to touch Remus's shoulder, to help him sit up, and to hold his hair back as he really was sick all over the floor.

"Moony," he said at last, in a quiet and wondering tone, "You look awful."

Remus wished he had the strength to roll his eyes at this purely Sirius comment. Instead, he merely managed a very weak smile and wilted in Sirius's arms as they wrapped around him to hold him steady.

"Thanks," he mumbled, tilting his head back against Sirius's shoulder. All excitement at being close to Sirius had fled with the remains of his dinner spread out before him. He couldn't even focus on anything approaching humiliation. He could only sit and feel wretched.

Sirius was not untouched. "That's not what I meant!" he amended hastily, tucking Remus's hair back from his eyes. "I mean, your face is way too white and you're shaking really badly and... For fuck's sake, Remus, you're really scaring me. I don't know what to do." Desperately, he tried to look out the window again, murmuring in a distracted manner, "Where are those bastards?"

Remus chuckled faintly, aware that he was swimming in fever dreams even as he patted Sirius's arm around his shoulders and brushed his dry lips against Sirius's hand. "Don't do anything, Sirius," he whispered. "Just hold me."

"What?" Sirius said, apparently not having heard Remus's statement. But Remus didn't reply. He could feel himself losing consciousness again and he slipped off into his curious dreams without putting up much of a fight. He was simply too exhausted to care anymore, and Sirius's arms around him made him feel safe.

-----

"This isn't normal. He obviously needs a mediwizard."

"Yeah, where's Evans when you need her, eh?"

"Shut up, Pete. James, I don't think we can take him back to the school in this state. Can't one of you go get someone?"

"Why the hell do you get to stay?"

"Shut up, Pete. James?"

"You mean bring them here? Are you mad?"

"Well, what about Dumbledore?"

"He's at the Ministry again, remember?"

"Shit. I forgot."

"What are we gonna do?"

"Shh! be quiet. You're going to wake him up..."

-----

Soft rays of orange sunlight fell across his face, making him uncomfortably warm. Remus shifted on the creaky little bed, turning his head up so he could stare at the plastered ceiling. Something was dreadfully wrong, but he wasn't quite sure what yet.

"You awake?"

Sirius's voice was worn, as though he hadn't had any sleep. Remus didn't look at him as vague memories of moonlight and beauty and sickness flooded his head.

"I'm awake," he replied carefully, his own voice a bit hoarse like he'd been shouting for hours.

A cool hand crept into his, lying across his chest. "How do you feel?"

Remus wasn't sure how to answer. How ill had he been? He glanced at Sirius, and was surprised to see that dark circles bruised the delicate skin beneath his friend's weary gaze. Their eyes locked for a moment, and Remus thought he saw a glimmer of... something... there, but he wasn't certain and looked away. A dull pounding was echoing in his brain, the drums of foreboding.

Sirius stroked Remus's pallid cheek. "I'm glad you're awake. We were worried that you might have--" He shook his head to dispel evil thoughts, and offered Remus one of his meltingly beautiful smiles. "But you seem much better." Then his eyes narrowed and suspicion crept back into his face. "Are you better, Moony?"

Remus pondered that question. He felt numb all over, and too weak to even try and get out of bed. His stomach ached something awful, but it wasn't as if he was about to be sick. The worst of it was the throbbing headache he seemed to have acquired.

"What time is it?" he asked softly, avoiding Sirius's inquiry. Sirius gazed at him sadly.

"Almost seven," he answered, giving the sun a troubled glance.

"In the morning?" But Remus knew it wasn't so. He gripped the sides of the bed as tightly as he could, feeling himself grow suddenly lightheaded.

Sirius shook his head, and slowly stood up. "James and Peter are in their usual places," he told his friend cautiously, unsure of how he was reacting to the news. "How do you think you're going to fare this time?"

Remus was panicking. He couldn't go through his transformation now; it would kill him. He was too weak, too unprepared physically and mentally. Frantically, he reached for Sirius before he could leave him entirely. "Don't go," he pleaded, feeling the tears start and unable to stop them. "Please don't go away, Sirius. I couldn't bear it if I never got to tell you. Please don't leave me now." He was sobbing, his arms wrapped around Sirius's waist, his face buried in Sirius's robes. Sirius patted his head awkwardly, wondering what Remus was talking about, but unable to refuse him comfort.

"Do you want me to get James?" he asked, looking out the window again. The sun was rapidly disappearing behind a veil of grey-blue clouds, and he could see the faint pinpricks of stars already appearing high in the darkening sky. Suddenly he didn't know what to do, and his beseeching request that he be left alone with Remus seemed foolhardy. Just because the werewolf responded most readily to his animagus form didn't mean he could handle what was about to happen alone. But he'd made his case to James and Peter; Remus had always liked him best, always sought his presence, even though he still wasn't entirely sure why. He did have his suspicions. Sometimes he prayed his suspicions were right, and sometimes he thought he was crazy to imagine they were real. After all, what hope was there that his best friend could be romantically attracted to him?

The past twenty hours had nearly killed him as he watched Remus twist in his feverish sleep, calling out for people who weren't there, and whimpering whenever Sirius touched him. He'd been incredibly afraid that whatever it was Remus had was beyond natural cure, and none of them knew any spells or charms to help him on the way to recovery. All he'd been able to do was sit and watch in agony as Remus sweat through three separate sets of sheets, then shivered until they'd packed five blankets around him, and then sweat again, thrashing and unresponsive to soothing voices or cool water.

Remus cried until he couldn't see or hear or even think. He never heard Sirius's tentative question, and even if he had, he wouldn't have answered. With anyone else, he would have been utterly ashamed of his behavior, but this was Sirius, and Sirius would understand. Sirius was the only one who knew how much Remus dreaded his transformations. Sirius was the only one Remus had ever let see him cry from the pain, both real and emotional. And it didn't matter that he was crying now for an entirely different reason. Sirius was still here, and Sirius was still trying to understand.

Abruptly, Remus felt an electric jolt and a wave of terror swept over him. He pulled himself away from Sirius and directed a horrified stare out the window just in time to see the first edge of the bright silver moon peek over the tops of the trees. He struggled to stand, filled with foolish notion that if he was fast enough, he might be able to outrun it. Sirius, wide-eyed and scared to death, caught Remus by the arms as he half-fell out of the bed. No words passed between them, only terrified looks. Then Remus shrank against Sirius once more, shaking and silent, his skin cold as ice. Sirius sat down next to him, pulling his friend closer, ignoring what it might cost him in a moment. He watched fearfully as the moon rose, full and imperious, its glow flooding the room with its silver sheen.

Remus trembled, his mind traveling in a hundred different directions. All at once, he was forced to focus as the first spasm rocked his body. It left just as quickly, leaving a thin film of sweat covering his forehead. He could feel his heart beating wildly against his ribcage. The roar of rushing blood filled his ears and he felt a scream welling up inside him as he pulled away from Sirius to press his hands to the sides of his head.

Without warning, the transformation was suddenly upon him and pain ripped through his body as he completely lost control of all coherent thought. Sirius backed away warily until he hit the wall. Remus writhed on the bed, back arching, hands clawing at the air, mouth open in a wailing scream that pierced the night like a siren. Wasting no more time, Sirius gave Remus one last helpless look then shifted into his dog form.

Padfoot sat in the corner and whined in sympathy as he watched the young man before him change. Remus's rolling eyes filmed over than turned a brilliant yellow; his legs lengthened and bent, then sprouted dark grey fur even as his nails became sharpened claws; his screaming mouth grew into a pointed muzzle full of canines and then the werewolf threw back his head to howl long and low. Padfoot felt his pain and joined in, keening along to the same dirge.

-----

"My God, did you hear that?"

James gave Peter a tense look. "Yeah," he said, more uneasy than he'd ever been during any of Remus's previous transformations. He had no idea what was happening behind that door, but the sounds were more terrifying than he'd thought possible. "Come on. Let's be ready, just in case."

Both teenagers easily transformed into their animal shapes, and an imposing stag took up his guard in the hallway as a jumpy rat ran nervous circles around his hooves.

-----

Somewhere after the dawn, Sirius awoke again. He'd been sliding in and out of sleep for hours unable to fight a losing battle with fatigue, but Remus had been asleep since midnight. The werewolf had fought Padfoot to exhaustion, and then collapsed in a heap on the floor, not moving an inch beyond the steady rise and fall of his chest in breath. Sirius had waited until the sun came up to change back into his normal body, and he was growing worried that Remus hadn't moved at all during or since his own change back to normality. He merely lay motionless beneath the sheet Sirius had lain over him to keep him somewhat comfortable.

Standing and stretching, Sirius rubbed his eyes with a sigh and went to open the door. Outside in the hallway, Prongs was fast asleep at the top of the stairs with Wormtail curled up and snoring as best a rat could on the stag's back. Giving in to a small smile, Sirius shut the door and went back to where Remus lay.

He sat down beside his sleeping friend and sighed again. Running a hand through his long black hair, he mulled over all the reasons he could think of to wake Remus up, but none of them seemed to outweigh the peaceful look on his friend's face. Yawning, Sirius gave himself over to the temptation to curl up beside him and go back to sleep. After all, even if he got a backache from sleeping on the floor, at least he was near Remus. And that was all that mattered for now.

-----

When noon came and went, and all three illegal Animagi were well awake but Remus was not, Sirius began to think about letting his ragged nerves run away with him and just have a complete and total breakdown with James and Peter watching. James, aware that Sirius was at the end of a very frayed rope, took his friend aside and tried to explain things to him.

"Remus is probably just exhausted. He was sick all day yesterday, and he hasn't had anything to eat. There's no need to go to pieces. We just have to take him back to the school and let him spend a few days in the infirmary recuperating."

"James, he hasn't moved in twelve hours." Sirius couldn't believe how close he was to crying.

James exchanged surreptitious looks with Peter. "Look, mate; get a hold of yourself. We'll take him to Pearce and she'll fix him right up. We've only waited this long on the off chance he'd wake up and make the trip a little easier."

"Yeah, Sirius. He'll be all right." Peter sidled over and patted the tearful boy's arm. "Let's just get him out of here before he really is beyond help."

James kicked Peter in the shin as Sirius's blue eyes widened at the thought. The next instant, he was ordering James and Peter around, trying to get Remus into a comfortable position so they could levitate him back to the castle.

-----

"Well, boys, I wish you'd brought him to me a little sooner. I could've helped the healing process go a bit quicker. As it is, Mr. Lupin is in need of some serious bed rest, and I can't have you lot disturbing him. Go on the Headmaster's office now; I believe Professor Dumbledore wanted to have a word with you."

-----

"It was nice of Dumbledore not to mention us being Animagi," Peter mused, poking about for a good rock to skip across the lake. Sirius found one before he could and sent it bouncing over the water. Lily shook her head as James stooped to join in the game. Males, she thought hopelessly, but she still grinned as James's rock beat Sirius's.

Sirius pouted and crossed his arms. "Sure, but that didn't stop him from lecturing us."

"Oh, get over it, Padfoot," James said sagely. "It's been almost two weeks, and that's still all you can talk about."

"Yes," Lily put in. "I feel like I got the lecture, and I wasn't even there!"

Three friends dissolved into laughter as Sirius pouted further, stomping away to sit beneath a tree with his back turned to them. This had the opposite effect of what he'd intended as his friends only laughed harder.

"Hi, guys," a hesitant vice interrupted them.

"Remus!" Lily shouted and ran to hug him as huge grins appeared on James and Peter's faces.

"The old bat finally decided to let you free?" James asked impishly, digging in his pocket for a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Remus's recent favorite. He handed them to his friend with a widening grin and the thought that Remus still looked rather worse for the wear, but at least he wasn't as pale as he had been a week ago.

Remus accepted the present with a silent smile as Peter grabbed him around the waist and wailed, "We thought you were going to die!"

James pulled Peter off of Remus and Lily sniggered as the smaller boy tried to slap James away, leading to an all-out wrestling match between the two. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Remus slip away, off to the spot where Sirius still sat, sulking.

Remus walked up to Sirius without making much noise, which was probably why when he sat down and calmly said hello, Sirius jumped about a foot in the air and cursed a blue streak. Remus smiled and looked out at the lake while Sirius tried to collect himself.

"So, how are you?" Sirius said after a moment, stilling his rapid heartbeat and slowing his gasping breath. Remus tilted his head, smiling absently at a songbird searching the grass for worms.

"I'm all right," he replied, leaning back on his hands. Sirius looked him over and decided that maybe he was for once.

"We... uh... missed you," he said then, watching the bird with Remus.

"I missed you, too," Remus said softly, and didn't dare look at Sirius's face.

"Ugh. Boys are so stupid," Lily complained, seating herself on the ground in between Peter and James. James released Peter from the headlock he'd been holding him in and moved closer to Lily.

"What?" he said worriedly, sure that he'd done something wrong again. Peter gulped in the sweet air and laid back on the grass, massaging his throat.

"Oh, nothing." Lily sighed. "It's just... Those two." She waved a hand in the direction of Remus and Sirius, who were both quietly laughing at something Sirius had said. "They're so blind, both of them."

"What do you mean, Lils?" James said, peering at his friends. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with them.

Peter answered before Lily could. "Jesus, James, look at them! They're so obviously infatuated with each other you'd have to be blind to miss it." He rolled his eyes and plucked a blade of grass to use as a whistle.

"Huh? Really?" James said stupidly, looking at Lily. She shook her head and ruffled James's hair for him.

"You're so thick, it's cute," she smiled. "But Pete's right. And those two are too scared to tell each other how they feel." Her smile quirked cynical. "So much for Gryffindor bravery."

James frowned and switched his gaze over to his friends again. Sucking in a startled breath, he made a low sound of shock in his throat. "Shit, you guys are right," he admitted, taking in the way Remus and Sirius were sitting as close as possible without touching. They looked at each other now and then, and Sirius would brush a strand of hair out of Remus's eyes, making Remus look down and away, probably blushing. They looked so damn happy just being close to each other, it made James's throat tighten.

"James, what's wrong?" Lily asked, alarmed. Peter looked up in surprise.

"Nothing," James said quickly, brushing away tears before they could fall. "I just can't believe they're being so dumb. Don't they know what they're missing?"

Lily smiled, taking James's hand in her own. "You're sweet, James, and, no, they don't. I don't think either of them has been in love before." Peter snorted, and went back to trying to get his grass whistle to work.

James brightened. "Well, can't we give them a nudge in the right direction?" he said, growing excited. "We can set them up without them ever knowing it. We'll--"

"No, James. We can't do that."

"What?" His face fell. "Why not?"

Lily looked over at Sirius and Remus, and gently smiled.

"Because they have to do it themselves. They're boys, James, and boys always want to know they did something themselves. Just let them be for now, love. They'll come to their senses soon enough."

End.