A Choking Gall

A Choking Gall

Although previously apprehensive about agreeing to spend vacation with the Potter family, Remus was now glad he'd decided to come along. James's parents were kind, understanding people, and the open arms he'd been welcomed with here were a much kinder fate than the guilty expressions he was sure to meet at home. His mother and father had never quite been able to repress the feeling that they owed something to their son for the horrible fate that'd befallen him in their care. Sometimes it was nice to be doted on, but Remus all too often found their constant need to appease him suffocating in its lack of real compassion.

"Are you all right?"

Besides, if he hadn't come, he wouldn't be spending an afternoon alone with Sirius while the Potters, Lily, and Peter were in town shopping.

Remus turned his head slightly, causing the shadows of the deepening twilight to fall across his face and cover his eyes. It was a foregone conclusion that he was all right; Sirius asked him the same question so many times a day that he would have been the first to know if something was wrong. Which was, no doubt, his intention. Remus smiled at the endearing thought, but Sirius failed to notice the expression.

"I'm fine, Sirius. Really. I'd tell you if I wasn't." He closed his book and came away from the window. "How about you? Are you all right?" The corners of his lips were still quirked upwards as Sirius scoffed.

"Course I'm all right, Moony. What a stupid thing to ask me." He seemed to realize the callousness in what he'd said and desperately backpedaled. "I mean... Er, that didn't come out quite right..."

"You're telling me," Remus chuckled, passing his distraught friend and settling into one of the armchairs by the fireplace. He propped his book up on his chest and slouched down in the chair to read. "Maybe you should get Lily to teach you a few of her good manners, Padfoot."

"Oh, shut up." Sirius pouted in a most Sirius-like manner, and Remus cursed himself for finding the jutting lower lip and petulantly folded arms unbearably sexy. Then again, Remus mused, Sirius was unbearably sexy no matter what he did. He even looked sexy in the Herbology professor's ridiculous pink earmuffs. ...not that Remus had noticed.

Absently turning a page in the book he was no longer reading, Remus watched Sirius flop down in the chair next to him. A little smile darted across his face, and this time Sirius spotted it before Remus could hide it by raising his book to his eyes. Sitting up, Sirius leaned over the arm of his chair and propped his chin in his cupped hand with an answering grin. Remus studiously tried to ignore the feral light in Sirius's bright eyes, and bit down hard on his lip, tasting the sharp copper of his own blood spill into his mouth.

"Say, Moony..." Sirius mused after a moment. The grin had not left his face or the light his eyes. "D'you fancy a ride?"

"A ride?" Remus lowered his book into his lap and frowned at his friend. What did he mean a ride?

"You know... On the motorcycle?"

"Oh!" Remus blushed a faint pink. He should have known. Honestly, that was all Sirius talked about these days. Erm, besides the unending inquires into Remus's health. "Uh... Sure. Why not?"

"Great! Let's go!" Sirius leapt out of his chair, blue eyes shining in radiant jubilation. It was obvious he'd expected a polite refusal. Remus wondered just why he was so happy he'd said yes.

"Right now?" he said, looking up at his excitable friend in bewilderment.

"Why not?" Sirius' grin faded a little and he raked his finger through his hair in an almost James-like motion. "Don't you want to?"

"Well..." Don't be an idiot, Remus! Of course, you want to! "Yes, but..."

"But?" Sirius's grin vanished altogether. "But what?"

Remus melted at the look of utter rejection on Sirius's face. "Oh, all right," he sighed, putting his book down and standing up. "I'm coming."

"Yay!" Sirius danced a little jig of excitement. "And I know just where we can go, too!"

"You do?"

-----

The end was coming, Remus was sure of it.

Petrified, the werewolf tightened his already vice-like grip around Sirius' middle and pushed his chin onto his friend's shoulder to shout, "Are you sure this is safe?" He clung, eyes watering in the onrushing stream of air, waiting for an answer. Finally, Sirius turned his head toward Remus' cheek.

"What?" he shouted back. A maniacal grin was plastered across his features, which managed, if possible, to look even sexier warped as they were by the fiendish delight he seemed to find in roaring along the highway at a hundred plus miles per hour.

"I said-" Remus tried to take a deep breath and nearly choked. When he'd managed to get enough air into his lungs to speak again, he put his mouth next to Sirius' ear and bellowed, "ARE YOU SURE THIS IS SAFE?"

"Yeah! Jesus, Moony, you're paranoid! Would I let you on the thing if it wasn't?" Sirius laughed, and Remus sank against his shoulder with the faint realization that he was in the clutches of a madman.

Somehow, he didn't mind very much.

-----

"Dun dun dah! We're here!" Sirius crowed, shucking off his leather gloves and tucking them in the waistband of his jeans. He laced his fingers behind his head and leaned back in triumph. "Beautiful, isn't it?" He grinned, turning to get a look at his companion.

"Remus?"

Remus groaned against Sirius' back. "You... stupid... prat! I... thought... we... were... gonna... die!"

Sirius glanced down to find Remus' arms locked tight around him, his knuckles whiter than Sirius' shirt. "Jeez!" he laughed, bringing his hands down to help his friend. "You were that scared?"

Remus didn't answer, merely groaned again and slid gracelessly off the bike once Sirius managed to pry his fingers apart. He staggered over to a nearby tree and leaned against it, breathing heavily. Sirius hastily got off and followed him.

"Sorry, Moony," he said softly, laying a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I would've slowed down if you'd said something."

"No. You wouldn't have." Remus glanced at Sirius with a smile and pushed the bangs out of his eyes. "You would've gone faster, if I'm not much mistaken." Sirius blushed and took his hand away. Remus chuckled. "It's all right. We're okay now, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Sirius said looking back at his motorcycle. "But I still shouldn't have done that. I've been trying to find a way to make it fly, you know. Maybe you would've enjoyed that more?"

Remus shook his head, still smiling. "I'm a little leery of letting you take me anywhere now, Sirius, no matter what the mode of transportation."

Sirius turned back to him, his maniacal grin having returned. "I still have to drive you back to James' place, you know." Remus' eyes widened and Sirius burst out laughing. "Relax," he said. "We can Apparate if you're that scared."

"But... the bike?" Remus glanced at the evil machine with a shudder.

"No one ever comes out here," Sirius replied. "I'll come back for it later."

"You'd do that for me?" Remus gazed at his friend with a newfound respect. Maybe Sirius really did care more about him than his precious motorcycle.

"No, but that look on your face was totally worth it!" Sirius broke down into more fits of crazed laughter. Remus rolled his eyes in a withering look and sighed. Somehow, he'd known Sirius couldn't leave his baby alone just because Remus was afraid to get back on it.

Ignoring his friend's gales of mirth, Remus looked around to find out where he'd been taken. They were standing on the top of a hill; the road that'd brought them up was curving out of sight into a small valley below. There was a town off in the distance twinkling in the half-light and ringing its church bells. Behind them rolled vast stretches of pastureland towards the horizon. In the fading light of the setting sun, Remus could just make out the sheep that occupied them being herded home by a few farmhands with collies. A soft smile stole across his face as he turned back to Sirius who'd stopped laughing.

"It is beautiful," Sirius said quietly as though in apology. "Don't you think?"

Remus nodded, smile deepening, and sat down beneath the tree. Sirius joined him after a moment, and the two sat in silence for a while, absorbing the finer details of nightfall and determinedly not looking at each other. But Sirius' mind soon wandered to recent events and he glanced at his friend to determine if he really was all right. He hadn't meant to scare Remus on the road like that - hadn't even known he'd been going that fast - and now his guilt was getting the best of him. He of all people should've known better than to take Remus joyriding. The other boy's health just wasn't up to that sort of thing most of the time, and especially after... Sirius ran his fingers through his hair in a nervous gesture he'd picked up from James. The last thing he wanted to do was cause Remus further pain.

"Look--" Remus glanced at Sirius in surprise. "I'm sorry about before, I really am. I just wasn't thinking like usual and I guess I forgot you were even with me. I'm so used to taking the bike out for spins like that; I didn't stop to think how it might affect you."

"Sirius?" Remus cocked his head to the side, confused. "I said it was okay, and I meant it. No harm done. I was just a bit shaken up is all." He put on a bewildered smile.

Sirius frowned, lowering his eyebrows. Even in the growing dark and his obvious mistrust of Remus' words, Remus still thought Sirius was beautiful, and was so depressed by the thought that he'd probably never be able to tell the other boy just how much he meant to him that he opened his mouth and almost spoke. When he didn't, Sirius' suspicious look was replaced with one of curiosity.

"What?"

"No. It's... nothing," Remus said, and looked back out over the valley at the town. "Do you suppose James and the rest of them have gone home by now?"

"Probably. What were you about to say, Moony, huh?" Sirius edged closer to his friend and stared at him. "Was it about what I did?"

"No! Sirius, I-- Stop that." Remus put a hand on his companion's face and pushed him away. "You know I don't fall for those stupid puppy dog faces you're always making to get out of things." Sirius pouted for the second time that evening and Remus felt something inside of him fall apart at the sight. "And don't do that either! You make me think that I should--" Remus cut himself off abruptly and stood up in astonishment. He'd never come that close to saying something like that before. Never. It was just this place and today and... being alone with Sirius. He cursed under his breath.

Sirius, thoroughly baffled by Remus' words and actions alike, stood as well, reaching out with one hand to grab hold of his friend's arm. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing," Remus said quickly, yanking his arm out of Sirius' grasp. "Didn't I say it was nothing?" He began to pace, still muttering strange things under his breath that Sirius could only half-understand.

"No..." Sirius began, and stepped in front of Remus to stop him. "Something's wrong. What is it? Can't you tell me?"

"Tell you!" Remus rasped. If only things were that easy. If only he could just come out and tell Sirius, "Padfoot, I like guys. Specifically you. Up for a snog in the broom closet?" Remus gave a dry chuckle and closed his eyes. "No, Sirius. I can't tell you."

"Why?"

Remus' eyes flew open at the injury in Sirius' voice. His friend's face was an open book of distress. He couldn't believe there were things Remus felt he had to keep from him. The two had never kept secrets from each other before, or at least not since the whole werewolf thing, and Sirius couldn't stand the thought of Remus not trusting him.

Remus turned his face away. "I just... can't, Sirius. It's not like I don't want to, it's just that I--"

A dazzling flash of light suddenly lit up the night sky, followed swiftly by the telltale boom of thunder from somewhere close by.

"Shit," Sirius muttered. "It's probably gonna rain, too. Come on. We should go." He started for the motorcycle. Remus trotted after him, glad that he no longer had to explain himself; in a conversation like that, things could only go downhill.

As Sirius pulled his gloves on and straddled his bike, he glanced up at the worried look on Remus' face. Sighing, he took the helmet out of his friend's hands. "It's okay, Remus. You can Apparate if you want. I don't mind going back by myself."

Biting his lip guiltily, Remus took the helmet back. Sirius looked at him, startled. "I don't want you to go back by yourself," he said. "I'm coming, too." He put the helmet on, sat behind Sirius, and braced himself.

Sirius smiled softly. At least Remus trusted him this much. "Okay then," he allowed, and stepped on the gas.

Remus' mind raced as Sirius sped them back to James' place. Maybe he was making a mistake in not telling Sirius how he felt. The look on his face back there... It was true that this was the first real secret he'd kept from his friend in a long while; that fact alone had been eating at him for months now. And, really, what was the worst that could happen if he just came out and told Sirius? He'd probably laugh at him a bit, tease him for being a poof, then try like hell to set him up with some Quidditch guy.

...who was he trying to kid? Sirius wasn't the kind of person to take something that huge lying down (er, so to speak). It would undoubtedly put a strain on their relationship if the Animagus knew one of his best friends was lusting after him. Sirius was the closest thing Remus had ever had to a brother. Even James, who'd been the first to befriend him, didn't come that close. If he lost Sirius over something so asinine...

Remus clenched his jaw and unconsciously hugged Sirius harder. Something so asinine shouldn't have continued for this long. He had to stop lying to himself about the whole thing. His once mere crush had somehow escalated into something Remus very much feared was becoming love, and he still didn't know how to stop it. If he let things continue in the vein they'd been going, he was going to get hurt, and badly. He'd seen the aftermath of girls who thought they were in love with his Adonis-like friend and it was never pretty. The headmaster had even been forced to place one of them under 24-hour surveillance for a week; Georgia had always been a little high-strung, and when Sirius had rather unceremoniously dumped her ("Georgia, we might have had something, but I can't stand you anymore.") for her best friend, it'd sent her right over the edge. It soon became apparent that she was going to kill either herself or Sirius, and it'd taken long hours of therapy to convince her to retract her claws. Remus wasn't sure how he might react to an outright rejection from Sirius, but he had the vaguely uneasy feeling that he probably wouldn't handle it any better than poor Georgia had.

There was another flash as lightning split the heavens off to the right. Remus grimaced and pressed his face against Sirius' back as the rain began to pelt down on them. Luckily, the boom of thunder that soon followed still seemed far away. They weren't too far from the house now, and they'd gotten this far. With all the distractions in Remus' head, he felt like he might survive this return trip without dwelling too morbidly on how fast they were going.

Meanwhile, Sirius was mulling over things as he drove. Somewhere deep down he knew he trusted Remus' judgment, but on the surface, he wanted very badly to believe that Remus had an honest reason for not telling him his secret. The only problem he had in reassuring himself was that his feelings on the subject were so tied up with his immediate wants and fears that he was finding it difficult to contemplate the thought rationally. Whenever he was around Remus these days, he began to feel this almighty frustration and it was starting to anger him that he was having trouble controlling his outbursts. Remus invoked a protective feeling in him that he not only couldn't restrain, but which seemed to manifest itself in strange ways like the constantly asking him if he was all right and the staring from across the room and the dozen other things each more obsessive compulsive than the last.

He knew most of the stupid things he did stemmed from the helplessness he'd felt on that full moon Remus had been sick; he was still trying to sort out the whirlwind of emotions he'd experienced in those two days and the weeks that followed. Too often, Sirius found himself dreaming of his friend lying cold and still on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, and his own rising panic as the situation spun out of his control. Too often, he heard Remus' voice in his head saying, "I missed you, too," and Sirius knew what he wanted those words to mean and what he doubted they actually did.

He felt Remus' arms tighten around him and had to stop himself from tensing. The rain was coming down in sheets now and Sirius wondered if maybe he shouldn't stop and make them Apparate back after all. Too hell with the bike.

When the next flash of lightning came, it lit up the world with the white razzle-dazzle that Remus associated with certain Obliteration spells. Just before his eyesight left him, Remus saw a wet, wooly form bolt from the side of the road. He barely had enough time to shout, "Look out!" in Sirius' ear before a sound so deafening he felt it in his toes erupted in the air around them.

Sirius heard Remus' cry of warning and had a split second of halfway-coherent thought where he went It's hard enough trying to drive this thing in the rain without him yelling at me, too, before he also saw the sheep. Cursing, he yanked the bike into a swerve around the dumb animal as thunder permeated the air. Temporarily blinded by the lightning, head resonating much like the village's church bells had, Sirius hit the brakes in a moment of panic. The bike jerked, then hydroplaned, and Sirius knew at once what was going to happen. He screamed at Remus to bail out, but couldn't tell if the other boy was still hanging on to him or not when his eyesight returned and he finally saw the other car.

-----

There was blood everywhere. Remus could see ribbons of it crossing the ground beneath and beyond him. Pools of it were collecting in warm puddles inside his shoes. Splashes of it on the rocks were being swiftly washed away by the rain. The rain was warm. Like blood. Was it raining blood? Maybe it was and that was why Remus couldn't feel his fingers. He turned his head to look at said digits and wiggled them. Five lines of agony disappeared somewhere into his shoulder. He was wrong. Remus could feel his fingers. Unfortunately for him.

He pushed off his helmet, then, rolling over with a groan, he attempted to push himself up. His left arm buckled, and he collapsed onto the muddy ground again, cheek smashing into a pointed rock that had previously been beneath him. Cursing more out of instinct than any real pain, he lifted his head and rubbed at his cheek with his good hand. Blood welled over his fingers. He could feel it slipping down his face and along his chin like strange red tears, and made a vain attempt to wipe it away. When he realized he'd only succeeded in smearing face and hand alike with blood, he stopped and turned up to stare at the sky in hopes the slowing rain would do what he could not.

After spending several minutes lying in this dazed fashion, Remus remembered that he wasn't alone. He bolted upright with a gasp and almost immediately passed out from the burst of pain that rushed through his body like the Hogwarts Express. The pain brought with it the first clear memories he had of the accident. For a moment, his eyesight faded, and he experienced a very vivid flashback.

Sirius was shouting, but Remus already knew something had gone horribly wrong. The motorcycle felt different; there was something about the way it was moving beneath him that told him that more clearly than the way Sirius' body had gone rigid with terror. And when he looked up, a different kind of light filled his gaze, but only for an instant. There followed a brief interval where time fuzzed out, and when it returned, Remus was flying through the air thinking to himself that he needed to tell Sirius he rather preferred it when his motorcycle stayed on the ground.

When he returned to the present, he was staring at his left arm with the distant knowledge that he'd broken it, probably in several places. Taking quick stock of the rest of his body, he felt an indistinct sort of relief that he hadn't been hurt more badly. His legs were pretty torn up from the rocks he'd landed by, and he could feel that he'd wrenched one of his knees badly in the wrong direction, but as far as he knew nothing else was broken or fractured. He laughed a little because, all things considered, he knew he shouldn't have even survived, then stopped abruptly as the full impact of that thought hit him.

Heedless of the pain and dizziness he experienced as he hauled himself to his feet, Remus dashed the raindrops from his eyelashes with his bloody hand and looked about him anxiously. It was full dark now and the cloudy sky should have made it impossible to see anything, but there was an alien light illuminating Remus and the general area he was in. Squinting, he sucked in a startled breath to see a car sitting in the grass beside the highway, its front end smashed in, windshield broken, and someone slumped in its driver's seat, unmoving. What remained of Sirius' motorcycle was strewn across its hood and jammed in its grille.

"Fuck," Remus muttered, staggering over to the car on unsteady legs that didn't want to hold him up. His mind reeled worse than ever, trying to inform him that he needed to lie down again or he really was going to pass out. Ignoring the feeling, Remus reached the car and tried to wrench the driver's door open. It wouldn't budge. The window in the door shattered when he touched it though, and Remus carefully removed the bigger pieces, trying not to cut his hand. Leaning in, he attempted to determine if the person was still breathing, but he couldn't see in the darkness of the car, so he tapped a shoulder as hard as he could and prayed whoever it was would wake up. The woman fell toward him, her head tilting back, and Remus got a good look at the place where she'd smashed her skull in the dashboard. Bile rising in his throat, he jumped away.

Turning from the car, he swept his gaze over the ground, searching desperately for Sirius. Twisted metal and shards of glass were scattered across the ground, glittering eerily in the peripheral glow of the headlights. Sheer panic overriding any other thoughts in his brain, Remus stumbled around the back of the car, calling Sirius' name in a wretched voice that cracked and couldn't have been very coherent. He called Sirius' name again after a moment, and pushed himself away from the car. Almost immediately, he tripped over something on the ground and fell to his knees. Hanging his head, he cursed breathlessly and rubbed at his stinging eyes, but he merely succeeding in blinding himself with the blood still coating his hand. Cursing again, and wondering in the back of his mind if he'd ever cursed so much in a single day much less the small amount of time he'd been conscious, he cleared his sight with the back of his wrist and looked down to see what he'd tripped over.

It was one of Sirius' leather boots.

Suddenly he found himself crawling clumsily through the mud and wet grass as fast as he could with only one good arm. Sirius, he thought only, and unconsciously began to chant his friend's name out loud as though that alone would find him. He barely noticed when he passed by the sheep still standing in the middle of the road, completely unharmed. It baaed at him anxiously, perhaps realizing he was something more than human, but he never looked up. He was so focused that he almost missed Sirius completely.

Remus stopped abruptly, staring into the shallow ditch where Sirius lay sprawled out and wet. The one boot was gone, but his helmet was still intact and none of his limbs seemed to be missing, so Remus thought he couldn't be off too badly. Letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, he scrambled down to his friend and then stopped again, just short of being able to touch him.

"Sirius?" he said softly, watching the other boy's chest carefully for evidence of breath. Sirius' leather coat was slashed in several places but when Remus saw that it moved up and down with some regularity, he crept closer. "Padfoot?" he whispered, and removed Sirius' helmet. The dark-haired boy's eyes fluttered open, saw Remus, and closed again.

"Hey," Sirius said roughly, suddenly, and he reached out a blind hand toward Remus. Remus caught it in his and felt such a flood of relief at the sound of Sirius' voice that he burst into tears. Sirius' eyes opened again and a small smile formed on his face. "Hey," he said again, reaching out with his other hand to stroke Remus' cheek in reassurance. "I'm all right. You don't have to cry about it." His voice was light, almost amused, and it only made Remus sob harder as he clung to Sirius' hand as if it were the sole thing keeping him alive.

"I thought..." Remus gulped, trying to swallow his tears. "The worst," he said. "The driver of the car, Sirius; she's dead. And I thought..." He couldn't say it out loud. Crying all the more, he buried his face against his friend's chest, not letting go of his hand.

Sirius' eyes widened at the news. He gasped in pain when Remus touched his chest, but quickly repressed it, bringing his other arm around his friend's shoulders to hug him as best he could, lying as awkwardly as they were in relation to one another. "It's okay," he whispered. "We're all right, Moony. That's all that matters right now."

"I broke my arm," Remus mumbled absently through his tears. He could still smell blood. "And your bike is a wreck."

"Screw the bike," Sirius sighed, then tensed as his body twinged with a million small agonies. "I think my collarbone's fractured."

"Your..." Remus sat up with a start. "Why didn't you say something? I wouldn't have... Oh..." His face went very white all of a sudden, and he swayed, his hand slipping out of Sirius'.

"Remus?" Sirius grabbed his friend's good arm and hauled him back down beside him, biting back a gasp of pain as he did so. "Hey, mate," he said, staring at the gash in Remus' cheek, the blood covering his face. "I think you should stay lying down." Remus blinked, looking at him blankly.

"Yeah," he agreed softly. "I think you're right..." His eyes closed, then shot open again as he held out his trembling hand. Sirius took it, and Remus sighed contentedly, dropping his arm so that their linked hands rested between them. "Don't go," he murmured, and waited for Sirius to nod before he'd close his eyes again.

-----

Sirius watched Remus for a long time, oblivious to the numbness of his body and what it meant. He never noticed when the rain stopped, and didn't hear the screech of brakes on the wet road as someone almost passed them by. He felt only Remus' hand in his and heard only his quiet breathing as it fell into sync with his own. And when help came, all he knew was that someone was trying to separate him from the only thing he now knew to be real: Remus' need for him and his need for Remus.

-----

When he woke up, he was alone. Feeling shaky and incomplete and not quite sure why, Remus sat up in his bed reaching out for something that wasn't there. Dazed, he pushed the hair out of his eyes and looked around. He was back at James' house, half-buried beneath a pile of blankets. Lily was sleeping in a chair beside his bed, still wearing the clothes he'd seen her in when she'd left for town with the others. Remus was confused when he saw the bloodstains on her shirt, but he didn't dwell on it too much. He needed to find... Something. There was something he needed right now.

He threw the covers back and swung his legs out of bed. Grabbing his wand off the nightstand, he stood, and almost fell down. A wave of lightheadedness washed over him. As Remus waited for it to pass he remembered something and glanced at his arm. Someone had healed it. Frantically he pulled at his pajama trousers to see that, yes, all his cuts were gone too. His hand rose to his cheek, but all he felt was a thin line where the gash had previously been. He heaved a sigh and stood up again, more slowly this time. So the accident had been no fever dream, but reality. Before he could think about it beyond that simple awareness, the urge to find what he needed grew and he stumbled away from the bed to the door.

The hallway outside was dark, but Remus knew where everything in the Potters' house was so it didn't matter much. Still not quite sure what he was looking for, he opened the door to the kitchen and peered inside. Nothing. It wasn't there. He moved on, staggering slightly; apparently magic couldn't make up for lost blood. He wondered when he'd been found and how long it had been since he'd been brought back here.

He made his way through the house, opening each new door in turn, the bathroom, the study, even the master bedroom, but he couldn't find what he was looking for. Growing frustrated and slightly panicky, Remus was unaware of the new tears slipping down his cheeks. All he knew was the tight feeling in his chest that said he needed to find this something or he would die.

He opened the door to James' bedroom, and his heart stopped. James was sitting by the bed, much like Lily had been, fast asleep. Peter was sitting at his feet, his head resting against James' leg as he too slept. They both looked exhausted and were, also like Lily, wearing their old clothes. James' wand was clenched in his hand as though he expected to have to use it at any moment. But those two weren't why Remus' heart stopped.

Sirius was lying in James' bed, his blue eyes open and trained on Remus' tearstained face.

"Sirius," he gasped, struggling for breath all of a sudden. He leaned against the doorjamb and clutched at his chest. The tight feeling had erupted into something far more primal and he ached with the abrupt need to be next to his friend, but he couldn't move.

Sirius seemed to realize what was wrong, and slowly got out of bed. Remus' eyes widened to see the silvery traces of newly healed scars laced across Sirius' chest as though the other boy had been sewn together like a doll. The memory of lying next to him in the shallow ditch exploded into his mind, and he felt his tears intensify and wished they would stop altogether.

"Sirius," he said again, and blindly stepped toward him. For a moment, he wavered alone, an overwhelming sense of vertigo threatening to topple him to the floor, and the next he felt Sirius reach him, his arms going around him and pulling him close. He buried his face in the other boy's neck and sobbed, "You said you wouldn't go away," not realizing until that moment that had been his problem.

"I'm sorry," Sirius murmured, stroking his back soothingly. "I tried, Remus, as hard as I could, but they took you away anyway. I didn't want to leave without you, but they made me."

Remus dug his fingers into Sirius' shoulders. "But you won't leave me now?" he whispered, raising his head to look into his companion's eyes. They were bright and burned like stars, but Remus couldn't find it in himself to look away.

"No," Sirius whispered back. "I won't." He pushed Remus back a little and held up his hand in between them. Remus felt weak with relief as he took it and Sirius pulled him close again, murmuring comforting nothings in his ear and holding him tight. And Remus knew, for the first time in his life, that this wasn't what he wanted. It was what he needed. Now and forever.

Sirius.

End.