Better Left Unsaid

Better Left Unsaid

Dark polished wood gleamed with all shades of gold, reflecting the crackling flames of the fireplace.

She remembered one of the seven August nights just before leaving for Hogwarts, when she would stay awake all night watching the firelight dancing on dark wood, making the silver crest on her trunk shine gold.

Each one of the seven was full of expectations, hopes and fears. Today was just the same. But just as each marked the beginning of a new year--today's marked the beginning of her new life.

Only today there was no coming back.

She wasn't angry; she saw it coming. She knew it would eventually come to this. The only real choice she'd ever made was the one her family could not accept. Today they told her it was not a matter of choosing a husband. It was a matter of choosing a side, a future and a place in society, and they could not let that happen. Not under their roof. Their response was so predictable, it almost made her laugh. But in that laughter, there would be no mirth.

Many times she'd imagine this moment. But never like this. It was her home, nothing could change that.

I would be leaving it anyway, she thought, eventually.

But not like that, a little voice at the back of her head added what she didn't really want to think about at the moment. You would still be able to come back.

Yeah, well. It doesn't matter anymore. She sighed. Though it sure doesn't make it any easier--

"You could still change your mind," a quiet voice said from behind her. "There is still time." There was a silent plead behind the words. She knew it was sincere.

She did not turn. The golden spots were dancing on the trunk's lid now. Watching them calmed her down. She needed that.

"Please, Meddie." Her childhood name. She hadn't heard her sister call her by it for years.

She wondered if this was Bellatrix's idea.

No, she thought, not Bella. She would never ask me to stay.

Bellatrix never asked for anything - not a living soul, not even her own sisters. She was the proudest of them all, and in a family like theirs, that was saying something.

"This cannot be." Narcissa's voice was full of disbelief.

No, her younger sister knew this was for real. Narcissa knew she was not like Bella. Never before had she left. She was no rebel. But once she finally decided to do that, she would not look back. Narcissa knew that perfectly well. And that is why she was there.

"You cannot just leave." Her sister shook her head, her voice firm, her stare fixed on Andromeda. "You belong here. We all do!"

"Little Cissa..." she thought, feeling a surge of sadness. She knew this would be the hardest part. Being the only sister left at Hogwarts was bad enough for Narcissa, and with her leaving the house right now, the night before term started, made it even worse.

She'll manage, Andromeda sighed again. She's strong. She's a Black, this knowledge made her proud. Her little sister... Even though she knew that things would change once she left the house, once this night seals the choice that will force them all apart, today, they were still sisters.

She's a Black, she repeated firmly in her mind, just like me.

"This was not my choice, Cissa," she said, finally turning in her seat to face her sister. There was saddness in her voice, but no bitterness. Not yet. "I never chose to leave."

"Then stay." Determination burned in Narcissa's eyes. Something else was there, too, though hidden well. Was it fear?

"You know Mother and Father will never--"

"Of course they will!"

"Not if Ted and I--"

"Then leave him!" To Narcissa, it was so obvious.

"No."

"What is wrong with you? Do we mean nothing?? Do I mean nothing?" She knew this was coming. How could she explain?

"Cissa--"

"You hardly even know him!"

"I know him better than you think--"

"Is he worth it?" Her sister's voice raised, two faintly pink patches creeping upon her pale cheeks, she was almost angry now. Almost. "Is he--"

"Leave it, little one," said a quiet voice from the shadows by the door. They were so loud, they haven't heard Bellatrix enter the room. "I don't think that anything you could possibly say will change her mind. Let her be."

There was something about the way her voice sounded--and it was calm, emotionless--that made them both fall silent immediately. Or maybe that was just a habit. No one ever argued with Bella. Well, apart from Sirius, that is.

The eldest Black sister slowly crossed the room and sat on Andromeda's bed.

"She's always been the stubborn one," Bellatrix added, now looking into the fire. She seemed distant for a second, and that was the only display of emotions she'd allow herself that night - as Andromeda was to remember years later, leaning over a Daily Prophet cover which announced the imprisonment of one Bellatrix Lestrange.

A silence followed that statement, and none of them was keen to break it. Narcissa gave Bellatrix a reproachful look. There was a certain kind of sadness in her eyes, too, one that Andromeda could never truly understand. She realised that her younger sister could never forgive her for what she was about to do. And as for Bella-- not even the gold of the flames reflected in her eyes could make them look less cold. Not tonight.

She knew she'd lose them all, one by one. And right then and there she realised something she knew from the start - that Bella will be the first to go. She knew they will never speak again, not after this night ends. This, though, brought the coldness back. It paralysed her. She didn't want to move. She wanted that moment to last, just a bit longer, just a couple of minutes more, to delay the inevitable.

Now that she sat there, that the three of them sat there, it all seemed so unreal. The beings most dear to her in all her life, with the exception of the man she loved, were drifting away from her, slipping through her fingers. She knew she had to get up and leave. Levitate the trunk. Move.

If only this wasn't so damn hard. If only they knew how much it cost her. How much she longed to hear that it will be all right...

You are my sisters, and tomorrow, I'll be dead to you. It took all her strength not to let out the long held back tears that tightened her throat right now. If there ever was a moment of hesitation, this was it...

"Mother said you are not to come back to this house. You are to make sure you pack everything you want to take with you." There was a briskness in her voice Andromeda knew very well. But never before had she used it when addressing either one of her sisters.

This is it, she shuddered inwardly.

Bellatrix turned to Narcissa.

"Come, she needs to pack carefully. You are just getting in her way--"

"I am already packed, Bella. You can tell mother that I will, of course, do as she wishes." As if she would even mention me in front of her after tonight, Andromeda thought, feeling hurt.

"Fine then." Bellatrix didn't even grace her with a look. She moved to get up.

"Bella! What are you saying, you--"

"This will do, Narcissa." Seeing the dangerous gleam in her sister's eyes, she was suddenly glad that Bella chose not to look at her.

"You can't just let her leave! Not like that!" Narcissa shook her head again. She seemed torn between misery and anger. Turning to Andromeda, she added in a whisper, "Meddie, don't." The little sister voice, as Bellatrix used to call it. The weapon she resorted to when everything else failed - and which usually got her everything she wanted. But not tonight. Narcissa seemed on the verge of tears, looking between her elder sisters, trying desperately to delay the moment they all knew that has just come. "Don't do this, don't--"

Narcissa fell silent, her eyes now full of the silent plead that her voice was no longer able to carry. So she just stood there, shaking her head slowly, her eyes glazing over.

That sight broke Andromeda's heart. She had to go now. For her own and her sisters' sake - yes, even Bella's. She hid it well, she always did, but Andromeda didn't want to think how much it cost her to do that. She slowly approached Narcissa, opening her mouth to speak. But no sound came out. There was nothing she could say...

Instead she just put her arms around her sister and hugged her tightly. Narcissa was still shaking her head-- and were these tears in her eyes, or was it just a trick of the firelight and her own emotions at play? She never found out.

"It will be okay, Cissa." She tried to sound reasurring, and failed miserably. "You'll be fine. We all will."

"But-- why...?" Narcissa's voice was a muffled whisper, her head pressed tightly to Andromeda's chest.

"Some things, Cissa, they are..." she said, quietly, soothingly. She gazed over Narcissa's white blond head and looked into Bella's eyes. For a few seconds she held her gaze - the last time they ever looked at one another. That moment didn't last long though. Bellatrix lifted her head a bit higher and fixed her stare somewhere over Andromeda's shoulder.

"... better left unsaid," Bellatrix finished. But there was nothing soothing about her voice. It was stern and emotionless, just like before. It was time to go.

She slowly released Narcissa and gently pushed her away. She had to go now, or she would start to cry, she knew it. And than she would never forgive herself. Never before had she cried, she was not going to change that tonight. She leant slightly and kissed her younger sister on the forehead.

"Take care, Cissa," she whispered, taking her wand out. She levitated her trunk and turned towards the door. Making her feet move was almost painful. With every step away from the fire, she felt the weight in her stomach grow heavier and colder.

She paused before Bellatrix, who stood right before the door, standing in her way.

"Bella--" she started, but she knew there was just one thing more to say. Just one word. Anything else would be useless. "Good-bye."

Bellatrix gracefully moved away from the door to let her pass. But she remained silent.

Andromeda turned the silver doorknob and pushed the door open. The darkness of the hallway made its way into the room. She watched her trunk move silently further into the gloom that now seemed to spread not only around her but even more so inside.

"Good-bye, Andromeda," she heard Bellatrix say into the stillness of the room as she walked past the door and into the dark corridor.

She moved without hesitation, though maybe a bit slower than she would want to. The silvery twilight of the cold vast hall downstairs made her shiver. The front door opened with a whisper that seemed to carry Bellatrix's voice with it...

Good-bye.

***

She did not turn to see a figure standing in one of the fire-lit rooms' window. She did not see the person's stare follow her as she moved down the lamp-lit alleyway into the night. She could not possibly know that the spots of light from the streetlamps danced in her dark brown hair just like they did earlier on the polished wood. As she moved further away, to the figure whose eyes were following her, she seemed just a tiny black spot between patches of golden light.

And as such she remained forever in that person's memory, as the silent figure traced the two remaining golden names with a long pale finger. Two, where once were three. Narcissa gently touched the black spot in between them and whispered into the night,

"Good-bye."