As You Left Me

'As you left me'

It was a lovely afternoon, sunny but breezy and fresh. Draco sat there, looking away; it had been so little time ago, but agony made it feel much longer. This was hard. He swallowed the knot that was firmly set there, guarding his throat. His eyes itched, but the tears wouldn't come out. He finally looked up. Now it hurt. But this was something he had to do by himself. He read the headstone for the umpteenth time:

Harry Potter,
The boy who lived and saved the Wizarding world,
a good friend and lover.
Rest in Peace
July 31, 1980 - November 2, 2002

He stared at the word lover, and tears found their way out. He was far too composed for someone grieving the way he was, even if he was taught to be composed even in worse situations, but what could possibly be worse than losing Harry? He had proposed to him two days before Harry had died. They had been so happy, both of them; finally they were getting married. Ron and Hermione had been happy for them and had supported them to do it. Draco smiled tiredly at the thought. He never thought that it'd be possible for them to forget the past and become friends with him, and they had probably done it for Harry's sake, but Draco appreciated it all the same. When he had gotten to know them, he had understood that he had been wrong all along. Harry was the one who had made him see the lie he'd been living. Lucius and Narcissa had died during the war. He missed Narcissa a lot; after all she had been Lucius' puppet just like him, and he couldn't blame her for that, not that he was going to anyway.

He looked down at his ring: Harry's ring; he wore it since it had happened. It had been a year now. Harry had died in a car crash. In the afternoon of the day after Draco's proposal, Harry had gone to buy something for him, without Draco knowing about it; he had wanted it to be a surprise. He left with the excuse of going to visit Hermione, and had never come back. The Boy Who Lived turned out to be The Boy Who Died in a stupid car crash caused by a drunken Muggle. That night had been awful for Draco. He shuddered; his sight was blurry from all the tears that had been waiting for release, and his throat became smaller this time. Things were taking a toll on him, he didn't think he was going to get over it.

Harry had been the first person he had opened his heart to, and Harry knew this. He also knew how hard it had been for Draco to do it, since he had been there too, and knew perfectly well what it felt like. He sobbed once; by every passing second it became more difficult to breathe, but he had to stop; he couldn't do this, not to Harry. He knew that Harry would be sad if he saw him that way, the truth was that Draco wasn't used to his absence. He wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands several times, but the tears wouldn't stop racing down his cheeks. He looked away, taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it, in an attempt to calm himself. Life was bitter. He looked again to the headstone and sighed.

"Hey love, how are you?" he asked, his eyes downcast. God I'm so stupid! He looked up, defeated. Why are you doing this to me? "Sorry, that was stupid, um... I mean are you with your parents? Are you happy? How are things going wherever you are?" He closed his eyes, stopping a new wave of tears.

"Sorry, I just can't help it. I know you understand, I mean I really hope you do, but still..." He couldn't keep on, his voice cracked. "I love you and this isn't fair, I miss you like hell and I... We - We didn't even get married. I have your present, it's beautiful, thank you, and you didn't have to. I mean maybe it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't left. I'm sorry, there are just so many things that I need to do, so many things I need to know, so many questions that I have to ask you, but you're not here to answer. I know I sound resentful, and that's selfish, I know. I know it wasn't your fault, but still, there's nothing I can do. Everything is hard; everyday is hard, especially in the mornings when I have to wake up, not because I want to, but because I have to.

"It's horrible to roll on my side and not feel you there. Instead, it is so empty, so cold. I loved to roll on top of you, just to have you there, to hold you, to hug you, but I can't do that anymore. Now there's no one to wake me up with a kiss and to make love to me in the middle of the night. There's just emptiness. I've hated every day ever since you left me. I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry, but you must know it; that is if you can see me, or if you can hear me, are you here?" he said in a very small voice.

He looked around as if trying to find him, and took hold of the necklace Harry had gone to buy him. It was a white gold chain, with a white gold pendant in the shape of a snake coiling around it, forming a circle. "I need you. Do you even imagine how much I do? Do you think this was fair, Harry?" He sighed.

"Sorry love, you know I don't mean to." He sobbed and gasped for air at the same time, almost choking. "I stopped working; I stopped helping Dumbledore at Hogwarts too. You must not be proud of me, and I don't blame you. We were together for- we were together for five years, and I'm not used to being alone; without you. Dumbledore understood when I decided to leave, but he says I'm too young, and that it is not good to mourn for the dead and that it is even worse to dwell on the past. Ron and Hermione come to visit me frequently, basically to check on me, but I'm still thankful." He chuckled. "Who would have thought that I'd be thanking Weasley and Granger for something, but I'm glad I am.

"They both say that I should take better care of myself, that I've lost a lot of weight, but who cares? I mean... I don't..." He sighed. "I mean... I should probably let go, there's no more life without you, but I know you wouldn't forgive me if I did... I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about it, I just want to know what I can do; you were the only one who could help me, and you're still the only one that can help me now... Some people say I have to move on, but I love you so much, that I won't be able to, not that I would ever want to. I'm desperately waiting to be with you again." He stood up and dusted off the back of his jeans, he kissed a white rose he had been holding, and together with a letter put it in front of the headstone and sighed. "So long my love..."

The End