Midnight Conversation #5

Midnight Conversation #5

June, 1977

“Well,” James said with explosive heartiness, “that was an excellent point you just made. I never thought of looking at it from that particular angle.”

The girl half-hidden behind a massive tome in the overstuffed chair across the room from him glanced up and raised her eyebrows. “I haven’t said anything,” she said.

“True,” James agreed, not a bit deflated. “And unfortunate. But now that you’ve had a sample of what I might say should you actually make an excellent point, you might feel inclined to do so.” James’ chest swelled slightly. There, he thought. If that didn’t charm or at least elicit a smile, the girl was made of ice.

“I don’t,” she said shortly, and returned, determinedly, to her book.

James sighed and slumped in his own chair and thought about Defrosting spells. It was enough to drive a man mad. His best friend--his brother in all but blood--was upstairs shagging his boyfriend senseless. (Remus had been reading Shakespeare, and Sirius had been looking extremely feral when James had made his hasty escape, so he assumed they were currently in the middle of something he would gladly trade his Nimbus 1500 not to witness.) Peter had gone off to spend the night with some friends in Hufflepuff. (That Wormtail had friends in another House had been somehow less surprising than the fact that the boy had friends besides Prongs, Padfoot, and Moony. “Maybe you’ve been supplanted as the centre of his universe, Prongsy,” Sirius had quipped a little meanly before succumbing Remus’ iambic pentameter.) And here was James in the common room, where he had magnanimously volunteered to camp, that Sirius and Remus might reconcile at their leisure. And here was Lily Evans, the girl he’d fancied for three years, sitting just across from him. His friends were having sex and he was this close to Lily, and if he did not get at least a smile by dawn, a dog and a wolf would be made to suffer.

“You know what I think?” he said, startling her again. “I think the reason you won’t give me a chance is you’re afraid you might actually start to like me if you did. And then your reputation would be ruined.”

“That’s not true at all,” Lily said calmly. “I don’t like you, and if I ever went out with you I’d have to put up with your friends, and I don’t like your friends. Well, there’s nothing really wrong with Lupin,” she added after a moment’s reflection, “except he let you and Black get away with everything when he was a prefect. And Pettigrew might turn out to be a rudimentary human being if he ever stepped out of the shadow of that pillar he has you on.”

James stared at her, torn between delight that she was talking to him finally and indignation on behalf of his absent friends. He decided to continue being magnanimous and strained to grin. “Black’s a decent bloke,” he pointed out, figuring if she said something nice about all his friends it would be impolite to exclude him.

“Sirius Black,” said Lily, wrapping her arms around her book and resting her chin on her long, curled fingers, “went around like a lit firecracker from January until March, and a wet one from March onwards.”

“Because he and Remus were on the outs,” James said. “Once he’s had a few good shags he’ll be perfectly congenial, I assure you. In fact,” he went on.

“Don’t,” said Lily glacially.

“I haven’t said anything, yet.”

“I know what you were going to say, and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to think about it.”

“Too late,” James said breezily, “if you knew what I would say before I said it, you were clearly thinking about it.”

Lily flushed, then glared at him forbiddingly and returned to her book. James watched her brow furrow in concentration, but her eyes did not move as they should, had she really been reading. James’ grin broadened. After a few moments, Lily made a small, frustrated sound, gripped the book more tightly, and slumped so that her entire face was hidden. The flickering light from the fireplace made the top of her red hair shine, though, and that was worth looking at for a while.

Lily turned her pages so vehemently she nearly tore them.

James sighed a second time turned to his own book, which after a cursory glance did not capture his interest. Instead he found himself wondering how his friends were doing. Wormtail was probably having a great old time with his mates in Hufflepuff. He hoped Padfoot and Moony were managing all right. Earlier in the evening he’d taken each aside separately and promised death should one hurt the other ever again. They’d both given him their word. Still…

January through March had been hellish. March through June had been hell frozen over. He hadn’t worried too much about Remus except for those two days he’d spent in the infirmary (two of the worst days of James’ life) and the week following during which he’d just sort of…drifted, like a thing without a spirit. But he’d rallied, as James had known he would, when it had been made clear to him that James and Peter at least would not desert him. Remus was a survivor; were he not far stronger than he looked, he could not have made it as a werewolf for more than eleven years.

Sirius had cost James far more sleep. They’d all known in September that a falling out between Sirius and his family was inevitable; Sirius could not have remained in that house believing what he believed and loving whom he loved. Still, James had thought the storm would hold off until the summer at least. It had struck only a few days before Christmas with surprising force and repercussions. When Sirius had shown up on his doorstep that midnight, starving, exhausted, frozen, feverish, and emotionally a wreck James had not known what to do. His friend had needed his protection, his love, and though James did love Sirius like a brother, he’d had no idea how to act, what to do and say. Sirius had cried on his shoulder. Actually cried. James had never realised until that moment just how much responsibility being someone’s best friend and almost-brother could require.

He’d worried about Sirius the twenty hours he’d been ill, as he had never worried about anyone else in his life. For the first time in nearly six years it had occurred to him that it was possible to lose his best friend, not to Remus, but to death. But Sirius had recovered (and had said nothing blackmail-worthy in his delirium, only apologised again and again for tracking mud on Mrs Potter’s expensive rug) and the days following had been pleasant. Sirius had been remarkably subdued, but he’d still been Padfoot, and they’d had fun plotting future mayhem without Moony and Wormtail.

But everything had fallen apart, even before their return to Hogwarts for the start of spring term. He hadn’t had time to warn Remus--newly returned from France, glowing with health, and overflowing with stories about everything he and his parents had done--about his boyfriend’s rocky coming out to his family. That had made for a bad scene. Then they’d had a run-in with Severus Snape and Regulus and Narcissa Black and their Slytherin friends on the Hogwarts Express platform and things had become more or less nightmarish.

James had been unable to help Sirius. He’d defended him to the Slytherins and he’d listened while Sirius bemoaned the fact that his relationship with Remus was taking a bumpy turn. But he’d never been able to reach Sirius the way he had that night in December. Except for that one night, Sirius had allowed only Remus access to his soul. He’d actually felt guilty about going to James and not Remus. And Remus had been jealous. He’d denied it, but he had been. To make Remus feel a bit better, James had tried to distance himself from Sirius and in the end he’d had to watch with a kind of sick bewilderment while his best friend and almost-brother teetered on the brink of a cliff, and then fell over.

Sirius had fallen for four long months, James thought. He had been, as Lily pointed out, quite the damp firework. He’d been repentant, studious, considerate, and utterly without spark. And James had been worried. Fortunately, four months had turned out to be the amount of time Remus needed to get under his boyfriend and catch him before he hit the ground. James had no idea how they’d come to settle their differences, had actually anticipated working on both of them over the summer, but they’d managed it on their own and he did not question it. One did not question providence, he’d come to realise. All he understood was what he’d seen; five mornings ago he’d gone to rouse Sirius for breakfast and found him asleep in Remus’ arms, haggard and pale and looking as though something had been gouged out of him. Remus had been awake when James drew aside the curtains and he would not soon forget the look the other boy had given him. Hostile was not quite it; Remus’ look had been more…territorial. At any rate it had reminded James that when they transformed Remus was a wolf and James a stag. James had left them alone after that, had not seen them again until tea when they’d drifted down to the common room together looking a little dazed, and very relieved.

James was relieved, too, and a little wistful. He and Sirius would always be best friends and almost-brothers, but Sirius belonged to Remus now, and while James was absolutely certain he was not jealous (he was no poof) he found himself missing the old days, when it had just been him and Sirius. In a completely platonic sense.

“Sirius always goes to extremes,” Peter had said the other day, in a rather weak attempt to console James. But that wasn’t entirely true. Sirius had never been so involved with any of the girls he’d dated. (Well, his relationship with Maddin had been rather explosive from beginning to end, but James thought that had had more to do with the fact that they were both Beaters than anything else.) Sirius genuinely loved Remus. And for Remus to have forgiven Sirius’ betrayal, James thought, he’d have to love him right back. And of that James was jealous. For ten months he’d watched his friends blunder their way through love, and despite all the harrowing bits, he rather wanted to give it a go himself.

Thinking he’d give a lot to have Lily Evans look at him the way he sometimes caught Moony looking at Padfoot he raised his head just in time to see the pretty green eyes flick from him to the fire.

The glance had been too swift for him to read, but her lips were parted slightly, as though she had been about to say something, then reconsidered. Firelight gleamed along her sweeping lashes, warmed her pale cheeks. James stared frankly for a full five minutes before the girl snapped, “I really wish you’d stop.”

So stop being as pretty as you are infuriating, would have earned him no points whatsoever. “So tell me,” he said instead, “what you were going to say.”

“Who says I was going to say anything?”

“Weren’t you?”

She looked at him, her eyebrows arched.

“Weren’t you?” he demanded, no longer so certain. At her forbidding look sudden irritation overcame him and regretting it even as he said it, “If you were going to insult my friends again, forget it. They’ve been through a lot. They don’t need your moral superiority, and really, neither do I.”

“You always do that!” she burst out, flushing, and thumping her book in frustration.

“Always do what?” taken aback, James demanded.

“Say something stupid like that,” Lily informed him hotly. “All the time, whenever I’m thinking I should say something nice, you always open your mouth and ruin it!” She pursed her lips and glared at him.

After a moment, James, still not quite believing what he’d just heard, ventured cautiously, “You’d actually been thinking of saying something nice? To me?”

Lily fidgeted with her hair.

“Because if you were…” He swallowed. “…I’m sorry I blew up like that.”

Lily sighed.

James smiled encouragingly. His hand began to move almost of its own volition to his hair, but he arrested the gesture in time and rubbed the back of his neck instead, hoping it looked casual.

Lily glanced down at her book, then back at him. She bit her lip for a moment, then said, sounding a little weary, “I am sorry I insulted your friends, before. They’ve all been sort of decent lately. I mean, I’d heard Black did something horrible to Snape back in March--”

“What did you hear?” James asked sharply. No one except Snape, Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Dumbledore, Remus’ parents, and Pomfrey were supposed to know about that.

“Just that he’d done something really horrible--or that he’d tried to--but Lupin got hit--or whatever--instead, and Black was in a lot of trouble.”

“Yeah,” said James relaxing slowly. “Yeah, that’s sort of what happened.”

“Lupin got hurt pretty badly, we--I mean, me and my friends--heard.”

“Yeah, he did.” He’d damn near died and emerged from the infirmary looking--appropriately--as though something monstrous had used him for a chew toy; there’d been no chance of keeping that a secret.

“And that’s why his hair’s gone a bit grey, now.”

“Yeah.” (“My dad went grey early,” Remus had taken to saying whenever anyone asked about his hair. To James and Peter he always added wryly, “Well, he always said I gave him grey hairs, and he’s only forty-two, so it’s not exactly a lie.”)

“But he’s all right, now?”

“Yep.”

“And he and Black are--back together?”

“Reconciling right now, they are,” James said blandly. “All over the room.”

Lily almost smiled.

“What?”

“I’m glad, I guess,” she said, shrugging. “I like Lupin. And Black has been…decent these past few months. He hasn’t been torturing Slytherins at any rate--at least as far as I know. They’re cute together.”

James blanched. He could not help it. “Cute?”

“Well--yes. Don’t you think so?”

“No.”

The green eyes widened. “Don’t you want them together?”

“Yeah, of course. But--cute?”

The girl shrugged again. “My friends and I think so. And we wonder about you and--”

“Don’t you dare say who I think you’re about to say,” James cut in quickly.

Lily smiled--a real smile--and James’ irritation dissolved at once.

“Anyway,” the girl said, rearranging her legs on the chair, smoothing the pages of her book, and generally doing everything she could to avoid his gaze, “what I’d been going to say earlier--before you snapped at me--was…” Her voice dropped. “It was…I guess I’m rather surprised and rather…proud of you. For the way you’ve stood by your friends. It’s not something--well, to be honest, I wouldn’t have expected you to be so open-minded. I mean, you’re horrible to Snape--”

“That’s because he’s a snivelling, greasy-haired, snot-nosed Dark wizard-in-the-making,” James said bluntly. “Sirius and Remus are just gay. I mean,” he said, watching her carefully and hoping she’d look up at him, “they’re both great blokes. If they fancy each other…s’all right. Saves me having to get along with their girlfriends, I guess. I like girls, though,” he added quickly.

“Yes, I rather noticed that,” she said, the colour in her cheeks deepening. “What I mean is…it was a surprise. A nice one. I’d written you off as a complete berk, and you proved you weren’t. Not a complete one, anyway.”

“So there’s hope for me?”

“Well--I don’t like to think anyone is really past hope.”

His heart paused as though considering, and then began to beat very quickly, the way it did when he was flying. He asked, as cautiously and sincerely as he had ever asked anything, “Is there really…hope…for me?”

Lily looked up at him, her smile gone.

“Forget it,” James said quickly. “Stupid question withdrawn. Don’t get mad. Look, we’re having a conversation. You know, I think it’s our first real conversation that didn’t involve yelling, ever. Let’s keep it going. I can’t go upstairs yet, everyone else in the tower’s asleep, and it’s a while until dawn. Please, let’s keep talking. You know what I’m doing down here. What’s your story?”

“It’s--” She looked startled, as though she’d been expecting him to say something entirely different. She recovered quickly though and said, sounding wearily amused, “Actually, I’ve been exiled for the same reason.”

“Sirius and Remus are getting their oats in your bedroom, too?” James enquired prosaically.

“Not Sirius and Remus. Maddin and…”

“Her boyfriend?”

“Her girlfriend.”

“Really?” James was mildly intrigued. “Maddening Maddin’s a dyke? Er--sorry,” at Lily’s frosty look. “Who’s she with? Not another one of our Sirius’ ex-girlfriends, by any chance?”

“How’d you guess?”

“I’m gob-smacked.” And he was. “There’s something almost incestuous about that. All right, which one? We have--what?--five or six to choose from?”

Lily marked her place, closed her book, and set it down on her lap. As she leaned forward, her long red plait swung down over her breast. James tried not to stare. “Think about it.”

“Believe me, I am.”

Lily bit her lip.

“Excuse me,” he said, “but weren’t you just going on about how cute my friends are?”

“Fine. Come on. Why do you think she broke his heart?”

“Considering where we all are now, I think it was less a matter of a broken heart than a bruised ego, and she probably did it because she’s a bitch and--well, so’s he, come to think of it. Mind you, if anyone else said that about him, I’d kill them, as he is my best friend.”

“That’s very loyal of you. Come on. Whose heart did he break so he could pull her?”

James tried to remember. The Maddin Fiasco had occurred almost two years ago, during which time Padfoot had been going through girls rather the way Wormtail went through sweets from Honeyduke’s: constantly and messily. The girl before Maddin had been very blond, he remembered, and she’d had very dark eyes. Remus had pronounced her scary-looking (a criticism which made quite a bit of sense, now that he remembered it). She’d been a Ravenclaw…and there’d been something amusing about her name… “Not Cynthia Stewart,” he said incredulously. “Not Original Cyn. But that’s--that’s mental. Cyn was never-- I mean, she’s not-- She’s got such gorgeous--” He laughed abruptly at the madness of it. “Blimey. Well, we always told him Cyn could get him in serious trouble…”

“That was bad,” said Lily. “Even for you. But it was true, wasn’t it?”

“Broke his heart, Maddin did,” James said rather dazedly. “Well, like I said, it was more like she threw his ego on the ground and jumped on it in her Quidditch trainers. And all because he’d done the same to Cyn. Neat bit of revenge, that. Turned out for the best, though, I suppose. Remus used to slag her off, too, if memory serves. Politely, though. Wonder if Pads knows? Nah, reckon he doesn’t. I guess it doesn’t matter. Well, nice to hear that ended well.”

“Well?” said Lily, with a bemused sort of laugh. “Only they’re having all the fun and we’re stuck down here together.”

They both knew that James could have said something to that, but he didn’t, though it was not his instinct telling him to hold back. They avoided each other’s eyes, and let the silence lengthen, until at last Lily said, “Well, actually, Mads told me I can go back to bed at two. She said she’d have the room cleaned by then.”

“I don’t want to look at my room until at least tomorrow afternoon,” James said glumly. A surreptitious glance at his wristwatch told him it was a quarter to two already. He wondered if Lily was aware. Now that he had her talking to him--nicely--he didn’t want her to leave. The holidays were almost upon them; it could be September before he saw her again.

“You don’t--have--to go back up,” he said tentatively, then wondered why his stupid mouth was trying to get him killed. “We don’t have to stay here, I mean,” his suicidal mouth went on, with complete disregard for the warnings his brain was shouting. “We don’t have our Astronomy exam until tomorrow evening, and we both know the material. I can skive off tutoring Wor--Peter. Sirius can do it, or Remus. Jittery’s doesn’t close until half-four. We can get a cuppa, oh, don’t look at me like that…I’m not asking you out…”

Lily’s arms were crossed over her chest and her eyebrows were raised again. “Weren’t you?”

“No,” said James, aware that it was a ridiculous claim and determined to defend it. “Absolutely not. I was just thinking…you might want a cuppa…and Jittery’s is somewhat nicer than the kitchens.”

“It’s nearly two,” Lily pointed out sceptically. “We’re not allowed in the corridors, let alone out of the castle.”

“Ah,” said James, straightening in his seat and pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “True. And all the doors will be locked. Now, I do know a fair number of secret passages out of here, but I have a better idea, one that’s faster, and would allow us to bypass the corridors and the doors altogether. My broomstick’s leaning against the wall by my bed. I could do Accio, scare the piss out of those two wankers upstairs, and we could be out of here before they’re aware of what--literally, with luck--hit them. Come on, Lils,” he pleaded, before she could object. “I’ll be good, I promise. If you fail Astronomy because of me, I swear I’ll never ask you out again as long as I live. I may haunt you after I’m dead, but I’ll be nice about it, and I know you won’t. Please? We can get our robes, too. No one will know we’re in our pyjamas. I’ll buy you a hot chocolate and a scone, we can watch the sunrise from the top of the Forest, and I can have you back here before your reputation’s ruined. Please?”

She didn’t say yes that night, but two o’clock had come and gone by the time she returned to her room and found it as messy as she’d expected. James returned to his room rather earlier than planned and would not answer when Sirius asked with mild concern why he wasn’t beating him and Remus for doing what they’d done in his bed the night before. Instead he’d told his friends to consider tutoring Wormtail their penance, gathered a few materials, and removed himself to the library to begin a new project.

The first morning of the summer holiday, Lily found slipped under her door, an envelope addressed to her in a messy and vaguely familiar scrawl. Inside the envelope she discovered two things: a wide piece of Spell-o-tape bearing the words, In case of emergency, apply to James H. Potter’s mouth; and a scrap of parchment that read, Good for one rescue by broomstick, any time, any place, just use the incantation on the back!

Lily smiled and was glad her roommates were still in bed. She crumbled the envelope in her hand and Banished it with a brisk wave of her wand. She wasn’t sure she’d be using either of James’ gifts, although the first one she supposed could be put to good use. But remembering that people changed, she pocketed the tape and the parchment, just in case.

11/18/03