You're Still Here

You're Still Here

Jessica walked down the busy London streets, listening to the cars honk and feeling the sun beat proudly upon her. She absentmindedly pushed the tiny pram along, losing herself in loneliness.

Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away

As she turned the corner, Jessica stopped, catching sight of familiar thick, straight, jet-black hair. 'Sirius' she thought happily as she quickly began walking again, hoping to catch him. Soon she broke into a run, yelling his name. She didn't care about the people she bumped into or that she might wake Isla and James from their nap her only concern was reaching him, and having him hold her like he had all those times before. She needed to feel his arms around her again, feel his soft lips upon hers. She needed to feel him within her. She needed him.

And I knew it couldn't be
But my heart believed
Oh, it seems like there's something everyday

How could you be so far away?

But as she reached him he turned, and she felt the wind being knocked from her body as her eyes were met with blue, not gray. "Sorry," she mumbled as she quickly turned away feeling her heart break once more. 'He's gone' she kept telling herself over and over again. 'And it's time to let him go,' she thought, but the very idea made her want to die.

Jessica pushed the twin baby pram back to her flat dejectedly. She laid her children down in their cots, kissing them softly on the head. Hoping for solace from her painful memories, Jessica grabbed her book, A Midsummer Night's Dream, from the nightstand, and silently walked into the living room to read.

But even as her eyes traveled over the words on the page, her mind absorbed nothing. Her memories were too prominent: she let her thoughts wander to the times when he would interrupt her while she read. It used to annoy her then, but she wished for it now.

Jessica sat, reading 'Pride and Prejudice', smiling silently at the entertaining jabs between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth, when the book was plucked soundlessly from her hands.

"Sirius," she said sternly, looking to the handsome wizard beside her.

"What?" he asked innocently, placing his arm around her waist and pulling her onto his lap.

"I was reading that," she said reaching for the book and trying to remove herself from his lap. She was unsuccessful in both attempts, for his hold was too strong and he deftly threw the book over his shoulder.

"Sirius," she admonished, but she felt his hold on her increase, and his lips gently touch her neck. Her lips curved into a small smile at his soft feather-like kisses.

"How I ever got involved with a wizard like you is beyond me," she breathed as his lips ravished her neck.

"Well, how I ever got involved with a Muggle like you is beyond me," he replied, pulling away from her neck and looking intently into her dark eyes. Smiling at their little joke, he crushed his lips passionately against hers.

They had been married for only one year when that had happened, and she couldn't help but feel cheated they had been married for only two short years before he was taken away from her, and each memory stung worse than the last.

When you're still here
When I need you, you're not hard to find
You're still here
I can see you in my baby's eyes
And I laugh and cry
You're still here

Jessica was pulled from her musing by a loud wail. She quickly jumped up, hoping James wouldn't wake his sister. Entering her room, she soundlessly walked up to his cot. James's wails slowly began subsiding when he saw her. She smiled brightly at him, causing him to look a little happier in return. But even as she smiled, she felt hot tears touch her face, because just looking at both her children, James especially, made her think of Sirius.

James had Sirius' striking gray eyes and his thick, straight, black hair. He was the spitting image of his father, whereas Isla had Jessica's chocolate brown eyes and dark hair. They both had a light caramel complexion, a fusion of hers and Sirius'.

She quietly picked James up, leaving the room while making sure not to wake Isla. As Jessica made her way into the living room, she heard a tiny pop, and she found herself looking into the golden eyes of Remus Lupin.

"Oony," James cried happily, earning a laugh from both Jessica and Remus. Jessica smiled and said a gentle hello as she handed her son to the man. Remus cooed and cuddled James, earning happy sounds from the little boy.

"How are you Jessica?" Remus asked. Concern etched his voice as he watched her quietly tidy up the living room, removing the toys from the floor, and placing her cup of tea from that morning on the kitchen counter.

"Remus, I'm all right," she said earnestly, for they had been having this conversation for the past year, and although she appreciated his concern, it was starting to slightly annoy her.

"No you're not," Remus stressed, but before she could answer he asked her a question that had been burning in his throat for a long time. "Why?"

"Why what?" she asked, pretending to be confused.

"Why are you pushing everyone away?" he asked, pain evident in his voice.

"I'm not pushi..." she started, but she never got to finish her sentence, because of the look of fury Remus sent at her. "Because I'm a bloody coward," she said looking away from him. "I guess it's the whole fight or flight thing, I've never been much of a fighter, and -- well, I was never taught how to. I was taught how to run."

"But you don't have to run: we're all here for you," Remus said, ruffling James' hair.

Jessica rolled her eyes stubbornly, but she stopped at the glare Remus was shooting her.

There was a pause of awkward silence, where Jessica was unable to think of anything to say to Remus. She tried to busy herself, but found she had already straightened everything. So instead she tried to change the subject.

"Do you remember when Sirius and I found out we were having twins? Not only twins, but a boy and a girl?" she asked with a small smile on her lips as she remembered how ecstatic she and Sirius were.

"Yes. Sirius was so happy I thought he was going to wet himself," Remus laughed. "But I thought it was going to be an all out brawl between you two concerning the names though.

You both could be so stubborn sometimes and you both had tempers that put fear in everyone."

"I am not naming my child Rory!" Sirius said hotly, looking at Jessica who had her hands on her hips.

"Why? It's a gorgeous name," she said, looking at her hot-tempered husband. "You clearly have no creativity."

"Oh honey, I am very creative," he said, giving her a smirk that made her wary of his intentions. He began walking slowly towards her, while she backed cautiously away giving him a naughty smile, but before he could reach her, an owl landed on the kitchen table.

Sirius walked over, grabbed the owl, and quickly read it. "Remus is coming over," he said, tossing the letter in the trash bin.

A moment later Remus appeared with a tiny pop in the kitchen, catching Jessica off guard even though she was aware of his impending arrival. She heard Sirius' quiet snicker and she shot him a nasty look, which shut him up instantly.

"So how are the baby names coming along?" Remus asked, placing a kiss on Jessica's cheek.

"It's going badly," Jessica said, shooting Sirius another glare.

"What's the problem?" Remus asked, looking between Sirius and Jessica and feeling the tension mount in the room.

"Sirius has no imagination," Jessica said matter-of-factly. Sirius merely stuck his tongue out at her, and she graciously returned the favor.

"Jessica, I am not naming my child Rory. Why can't you pick a normal name, like

James?" he asked, looking in the refrigerator for something to drink.

"Look, there is nothing wrong with the name Rory." Sirius merely rolled his eyes and stared intently at her. She could feel that she was not going to win this fight, so she decided to try another name. "Okay, so you don't like the name Rory, how about Isla?" she asked hopefully.

"Isla is a pretty name," Remus said helpfully, giving Sirius a look that clearly said 'give her this.'

"Isla, hmmm..." Sirius said rolling the name around on his tongue and feeling the "no weird names" resolution slipping from his mind at the look on Jessica's face.

"Isla what, Jessica?" Sirius asked not entirely ready to let his resolution go.

"Isla Nicole," she said, automatically biting her lip.

"All right: if we name her Isla Nicole, then we'll name him James Orion," Sirius said, putting his arm around her waist and placing a kiss on her forehead. "How's that for creativity?"

"That's good," she said, smiling at him before leaning her head against his hard chest.

Jessica was pulled from her musings by the sound of Remus' voice.

"...and, again, no you're not all right," he said placing James in his playpen. "Jessica, you hardly go out, and when you do you're so removed from everything it's like you're not even there." He sighed. "Look, I understand how you feel. I miss him too, but it's time for you to let him go," he said reaching out to her.

Jessica looked at him shrewdly as the bitter tears fell from her eyes. "Remus, you can't understand," she said softly. "You can't understand what it's like to lose him the way I lost him. I know that he was your best friend, and you knew him longer than I did, and I'm not saying it didn't hurt you, because I know it did, I can see it in your eyes. But he was my husband, the father of my children. I mean, I look at James and Isla and I see him I see strangers on the street and I see him. I lie in our bed and I feel him. I can't let him go, because he is still here. He's everywhere, he's everywhere," she said repeatedly until she had to lean against the couch for support, her body shaking with silent tears.

"Stupid eyes won't stop leaking," she muttered as the rain continued to flow.

Remus walked slowly to Jessica and held her until her body went limp with exhaustion. He gently walked her into her bedroom; placing her down on the bed and pulling the midnight blue duvet over her body.

He then left a note for Jessica, letting her know that he was taking Isla and James with him to his and Tonks' flat. Remus quietly packed an overnight bag for Isla and James, including clothing, nappies, wipes, toys, and any other necessity. After gently picking Isla up from her cot, he walked into the living room, collected James, and Flooed them to his flat.

I had a dream last night
That you came to me on silver wings

And I flew away with you on a painted sky
And I woke up wondering what was real
Is it what you see and touch or what you feel

Jessica was lying in her bed sleeping when she felt a pair of warm lips on hers. She opened her eyes and was met with the familiar gray eyes of her love. "Sirius," she breathed as she quickly pulled him into her arms and let warm tears flow freely down her face.

Sirius held her in his arms for what seemed like only a second before he pulled away, and gently wiped the tears from her skin before kissing her soundly once more. He gently pulled her from the bed, smiling at her and placing a small kiss on her trembling hand, before leading her out onto the terrace, where his broom waited.

Sirius sat gracefully upon the broom before pulling her on in front of him. He gave her thighs a soft squeeze and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of her neck before he placed his hands on the cold wood and kicked off from the ground.

Jessica smiled as she laid her hand against his chest and closed her eyes, trying to remember and savor every moment. Sirius stopped the broom and allowed it to hover silently in the sky.

"Open your eyes, love," Sirius breathed in her ear, sending shivers up and down her spine. He smiled when she gasped; removing his hands from the thin, wooden broom and placing them once again on her thighs.

Jessica felt tears spring to her eyes as she took in the majestic purple-blue sky. The moon shone beautifully on them, illuminating the silver clouds and giving them a sense of peace and happiness.

"It's gorgeous," she breathed as quietly as she could into the sky, afraid her voice would ruin the serene atmosphere.

"This is how I see you, love," he breathed into her ear again. Jessica closed her eyes as the pleasant vibrations coursed through her body. "You're majestic and beautiful. You give me peace. Issie, darling, I love you so much, I would be lost without you."

He paused, pulling a small box from his pocket and holding it in front of her face.

"Jessica, will you marry me?" he asked, placing a soft kiss on her earlobe.

Jessica looked at the box and felt a smile slide onto her face.

"Yes," she breathed, tears falling freely down her face.

Sirius smiled brightly as he once again placed a kiss on her neck; gently he pulled the ring from the box and placed it on her finger. Then, turning the broom around, he flew them back to their flat.

Sirius landed softly back on the terrace, and got off of the broom. He pulled Jessica into his arms, kissing her tenderly, before picking her up and walking her into their bedroom.

Gently laying her back on the bed, he climbed onto her, and began kissing her slowly.

Jessica woke up with a smile on her lips, reaching for Sirius as she rolled over. Her smile instantly faded as she felt only covers. Emptiness once again settled within her body. She lay silently in the bed, pulling his pillow into her arms and breathing in the heavenly scent that she had begged Remus for weeks to put a locking charm on so that she would always have Sirius close to her. The tears returned as she inhaled deeply. She rolled over to place the pillow back in its place; glancing over to Isla's cot and feeling panic grip her soul when she saw it was empty.

Jessica quickly jumped out of the bed, rushing to the cot to inspect it once more. Her heart began to race as the panic gripped tightly around it: she rushed over to James' cot, hoping that Isla was there with her brother. But the panic only doubled when she noticed that neither one of her babies were in their cots.

Just as Jessica was about to dash out into the living room, she noticed a bright, neon green post-it note stuck to her lamp. She hastily moved over to it.

Jessica-

Isla and James are with me. Don't even think about coming to get them; you need some rest I'll bring them back tomorrow afternoon.

Remus

P.S. You need to start accepting our help, or else we'll force it upon you.

Jessica breathed a sigh of relief. Although she missed her children, she knew Remus was right: she did need a tiny break and she did need help. It was hard raising two children on her own, and even though Remus and the rest of Sirius' friends tried to offer help, she knew they all had their own lives and families, and she hated intruding. For the most part she turned down their offers of help and opted to do it on her own. It was hard, tiring, and frustrating, but she held her head high and tried not to ever complain.

'It could be a lot worse,' she told herself. 'You could have lost all three of them.' And even though it was a hard job, she loved being a mother. Her children were all that she lived for, and if it weren't for them, she knew she would not have made it was far as she had.

Jessica looked at the clock and saw that it was seven in the evening. She decided to go for a walk around town, hoping the fresh air would soothe her aching heart.

'Cause you're still here
Oh, you're everywhere we've ever been
You're still here
I heard you in a stranger's laugh
And I hung around to hear him laugh again
Just once again

Jessica breathed the air deep into her lungs as she allowed herself to wander aimlessly down the crowded streets of London. She paid no attention to her surroundings. Although the streets were bustling with people, she felt the loneliness seeping into her bones. Just as she was turning to head back to her flat, she heard a bark-like laugh and froze.

She quickly looked up to see a man with shoulder length black hair. She felt the hope well up inside her throat, but she quickly pushed it away, telling herself once again that Sirius was gone. When she heard the stranger's bark-like laugh again she only smiled, and turned to walk home.

Once there, she went straight to her bedroom. She walked to the terrace Sirius had led her across those few precious years ago. The chilly night air ran across her body, and she hugged herself close.

Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away

She closed her eyes as she listened to the sound of the cars, before looking to the night sky. Shining brighter than any star outside was his star. The dog star. Sirius.

She silently smiled to herself as she felt his presence wrap around her lovingly.

"I love you Sirius," she breathed to the sky. And she knew that he was still with her.

Away.

Song: 'You're Still Here' by Faith Hill on the 'Cry' album.

Updated: April 4, 2007