Lost

Chapter Ten

Shards of Glass

Harry stared.

He couldn't stop staring. Draco Malfoy, his love, the most popular Slytherin, the Durmstrang transferal, the Seeker, the Summoner...returned to him. He could barely believe his own eyes. He didn't know what to do, how to react. So many things had happened over the nine months they'd been separated.

Harry's life had changed when Draco left. When they'd been together, things had been sweet, satisfactory, yet there were still hidden secrets and some turmoil. When Draco had left, Harry had felt empty, heart broken, and sad for many months afterward. Then, the war had begun, and he'd felt the need to take charge of something. He felt like he'd went from a pawn to a Knight. Suddenly his rank on the team of Dumbledore's side was more important, he now had a mission. He'd even begun to like his mission, making sure both wizards and muggles understood what had happened and that there was a solution to be found. Friendship had only popped up momentarily, when he occasionally saw Ron or Hermione, but mostly he just did his job, traveling back and forth, contacting Dumbledore for advice every once in a while, and remaining dutiful, focused, and optimistic as much as possible.

All feelings, strong emotions he'd been used to during younger ages, feelings of love, the cherishing of friendship, the need to tell someone or something his emotions--they had gone away. But now Draco had returned, and Harry knew he needed those feelings back, but didn't know how he could possibly achieve them. His mind felt stiff, emotions groggy; all he felt was shock, and desperation. Even those feelings were dull, like a blunt knife. He was afraid: how would things work out if he couldn't summon up the love for Draco he'd buried when the Slytherin left?

Also, wasn't love supposed to be eternal? His love for Draco had consumed him before, how could he have been able to bury the love as soon as the receiver of that love disappeared? Muggles said 'absence makes the heart grow fonder;' Harry wondered why this wasn't true in his case. What was wrong with him? He felt a burning need, desperate and fearful, knowing that he should love Draco, but...the time he'd spent busily had filled those gaps of his heart, and he'd become used to his same-old-same-old routine of life without Draco. He knew he wasn't in love with anyone else, that was definite. Now, all he could do was let coldness clamp around his soul as he dreaded trying to revive his and Draco's relationship.

Harry was so absorbed in his thoughts that when Draco pulled on his wrist, his body fell forward, and to catch himself he reached out his free hand to land on Draco's hip. Uncomfortable yet trying not to show it, his heart thudded fast as the other boy pulled him in closer. The positioning was awkward, yet it worked.

As he felt Draco's lips pressed against his, a little something sparked in Harry, and he knew enough not to remain stiff. That pair of lips, so soft, now so gentle, caressed, pressing, brushing against his own; then, he felt the warmth of Draco's tongue glide against his bottom lip, sliding back and forth.

Unconsciously Harry grasped Draco's hand tightly, moving a bit to make the positioning a bit less uncomfortable. Then, the door slammed, loudly, and both boys whirled around to face the trespasser. But it was too late. They'd been caught, their actions had been obvious, she had seen them.

Gasping, the girl dropped one or two of her books, ink bottle clattering to the floor, and one hand flew up to her mouth in shock. Then, eyes wide, she stared for a few more moments before quickly dashing away, out of the hospital wing.

Harry turned to run after her, oblivious to everything else as he attempted to catch up to her, and, letting the hospital wing door shut behind him, he flew down around the corner to his right, hoping she had gone that way.

He sped up, as he saw her in front of him, running quickly, never stopping. If he could only reach the Gryffindor common room door or Girl's Dormitory stairway before she did. But no, she had said the password, was disappearing from sight.

"No, don't run anymore, stop it, HERMIONE!!!"

-----*-----

Harry banged his head against the wall.

Damnit! Damnit, damnit, damnit. She's never going to come out of there, knowing I'm out here, waiting. God, what have I done?? This is horrible. I can't believe we were caught...she saw us...oh, god, I hope she's okay...but she's not okay! She's crying! And even though I'm sure it was shocking for her, I don't actually know why...perhaps it was because the fact that I lied to her, to everyone, for so long...

Anguish coursed through him, and, wiping away a few tears of his own, he moved to lean against the door of the Girl's Dormitory, knowing he wasn't even technically allowed by them to walk up the staircase from the common room. Yet here he was, sitting leaning against the dormitory door.

He closed his eyes, as the sound through the door of Hermione's sobbing continued mercilessly. She means so much to me, how could I have done that to a friend? But...it was unexpected, all I did was comply with what Draco wanted and...it...wasn't really my fault..................okay okay, so it WAS partly my fault, damnit! I wish she'd unlock the door so I could explain...not that that would do any good...what she saw spoke the truth, at least partly...how could she doubt it? And how can I ever get the courage to tell her, when I can't even explain the situation fully to myself? I hate seeing her tears.

-----*-----

"Harry, what on earth are you doing up here?"

"Memph? Er, wha?"

Harry sat up, rubbing his bleary eyes, double checking to make sure his glasses weren't broken. Looking up, he gave a disturbed frown to Ron and Ginny, who stood over him, looking just as upset as he felt.

"We've been looking for you. It's noon, both you and Hermione missed breakfast. You're lucky it's the weekend or you would have missed classes too. What's wrong?"

"Yeah, Harry, what's up with you and Hermione?"

Harry tilted his head, looking at Ron, wondering how to possibly tell him--or anyone.

"I...I hurt her feelings, she...it's hard to explain, complicated...it's a really long story, and time or no time, I'm not going to tell it now."

Ginny sat down across from him, her eyes wide and pleading. "Please, Harry? You two are our friends. We need to know, Ron and I. This is important to us; you know it will go on horribly for weeks unless you tell all of us what's up and plead forgiveness from Hermione."

Suddenly, the door opened, making Harry fall backwards. Stepping out of the way and letting Harry's head slam to the floor, hard, Hermione stood there, sniffling. She was in horrific condition and disarray. Her lips trembled, tear marks streaking down her cheeks, chocolate eyes wide and sad. Her hair was in tangles, and she still wore her nightgown. Sniffling, she shouted, "I'll NEVER forgive him! NEVER! He, he...he's been lying to us for a long time! A-And I saw evidence of his...his...his betrayal. I...he..." Then, Hermione snapped, bursting into tears, exclaiming, "I can't stand it anymore!" and then shuffling backwards a few steps, slammed the door in their faces.

Rubbing his bruised head, Harry sighed and said hoarsely,

"It's like she looked through a window, and saw...something that horrified her, that involved me. And then say for example that I broke that window, making it even worse, and now the glass shards are...they're stabbing her...stabbing her broken heart."