When I Look At Harry I See...

When I look at Harry I see so much, I see James and Lily, I see Dumbledore, I see Tonks, I see Remus and I even see a little bit of me. I see all that I could have given him and never did. I see all that Lily and James meant to give him and were never able to. I see someone worth fighting for.

But I also see the things that Lily, James and I planned to give him, to teach him, to show him, the places we would have taken him. And when I do I remember the thoughts that plagued my mind while I rotted in Azkaban.

James gave him his looks and courage. Lily gave him her eyes and morals. I have given him nothing but a haunted look of a life hard lived.

I was to teach him laughter, how to have a sense of humor and how to smile. James was to teach him flying skills and secrets of the school. Lily would have taught her sense of wonder and her compassion, her beautiful compassion. But he has none. Nothing but a warped sense of humor caused by too much pain and loss, he has nothing, no laughter, no smile, he has lost his wonder and secret he does know about Hogwarts were told to him by the twins.

I was going too take him to New York, to show him Time Square. James was going to take him to Bulgaria to go to the Quidittich hall of Fame. Lily was going to take him to Paris so he could see the Louvre. But he has never left these soils, the English soil that he was born on will be the same on which he dies if he is not loved, or helped.

I was going to show him how the ride a motorbike, a great big flying one like mine so that he could get all the ladies. James would show him how to fly, and Harry would be on the Gryffindor house team. Lily would show him how to ride a horse, she was had a natural affinity for the animals and we Harry would to.

He was going to learn all about planning pranks from me, all about timing and planning. James and Harry were going to learn about fighting together, James would show Harry how to fence and box and wrestle. From Lily he was going to learn about dancing and cooking so that he could snare the ladies.

The three of us were going to give him the world. Lily would love him, James would guard them both and I was to protect all of them. I would have died for them. Any of them, even if I meant never knowing what life could be like with them.

I could not die for James, but I would have. He was a better brother to me than the one I had. He taught me about life, about death, about war. And I loved him as if he were my brother. I will never forgive myself for not dying for him.

I could not die for Lily, but I wanted to. I loved Lily even thought she was James'. I loved her red hair and her green eyes and her smile, and everything about her. I loved her for loving James so un-conditionally. I loved her for giving Harry to me. Lily showed me how to love, and how to be loved. I will never forgive myself for not dying for her.

But I can die for Harry, and I will. He is the son I never had, the little brother that died to save him. He is all that is good from Lily and James and he is all that I ever wanted to be. He is loyal, true, strong, brave, faithful, honest, courageous, wise, and he is Harry. And I will never forgive myself if I do not die for him.