Fearing Black

Petunia

I inched my head out of the doorway, and looked around as fast as I could before pulling it back in. I had heard the door close and his voice- he was in the house.

I huddled on my bed. I desperately needed to go to the washroom but the risks of leaving my bedroom when he was in the house were high. My lower lip trembled. I glanced in the mirror- I was wearing a baggy, unattractive sweat suit but somehow, it didn't seem to help. My fearful eyes stared back at me. My hair was unbrushed and knotty. Nothing seemed to help when he was in the house.

Oh yes. Nothing was safe when Sirius Black was in the house.

Tears started to dribble out of my eyes. I had to go. This was so pathetic- I was a twenty-one-year-old, with all my life ahead of me, and I was afraid to go to the bathroom. I crossed my legs and inched over to the doorway. Whipping my head out and back in, I saw no sign of Black. But he leaped up from the most unexpected places.

It was no use. I had to go.

I sped out of the doorway as fast I could with my legs partly crossed and shot into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I had no ways of defending myself- I wasn't magical, like Lily. I wasn't strong, like James. Lily and James- the dream couple. I used to have a slight crush on James, but it had dissipated the first time he had brought Black to the house. I could hear them- laughing and joking together, James, Lily and Sirius. And then there was me.

I answered my desperate call of nature but stayed in the bathroom. I could never be sure of when to come out- because this was the hardest part. Black had heard me come out. He could come.

I slowly unlocked the door, summoning my courage. Carefully, I looked out into the hall. There was nobody there. Closing my eyes and praying to God that Black was still downstairs, I opened my eyes and ran down the hallway into my bedroom. I spun into the room and locked the door behind me, my eyes closed, breathing hard with relief and fear.

I opened my eyes.

Black was lounging on my bed.

Sirius

I was on her bed. She cowered when she saw me. I hated myself for doing this- but I got a sick pleasure out of having power over somebody. Maybe I was no better then the wizards and witches who practised the Dark Arts, the ones that James and I hated so much. And I did hate them. Sometimes it seemed like I was just a big ball of hate, but I knew that wasn't true. Remus and James were my confidants, my onlys, and my friends. But I had no control over anything else in my life- and maybe that was why I began to harass Petunia.

"Look who's here- the whore." I laughed, my own voice sounding harsh and evil, cruel in my ears. I couldn't bear myself, what I was doing.

Petunia said nothing, but she stared at me with huge eyes. I could see her fear. I could smell her fear. And I didn't want it, but yet I did. I needed to have control over something. Anything.

"Come here, slut." I patted the bed beside me.

Petunia slowly backed up against the wall.

I stood up. "I said, come here!"

But Petunia didn't move.

The real Sirius- the good Sirius- inside me was crying out for me to stop. But the Sirius outside, the big ball of hate Sirius, was vengeful and horrible. I had been kicked out of the house again by my mother- not that I cared. I knew the door was locked. I knew James and Lily were out for lunch- I had said I would stay here and have something to eat because I knew they only wanted to go out and kiss. My exterior softened a little bit at the thought of James and Lily- I would protect them forever. They had always been there- unlike this hate that was eating me up. But my exterior didn't soften enough.

I moved towards Petunia. "Are you disobeying me, wench?"

Petunia suddenly gave a little squeak of fear and ran towards the bed, flinging herself on it and pressing her back to the wall. She stared at me, wrapping her knees in her arms, trying to protect herself. Her lower lip trembled. But all I noticed was that her knees were spread apart.

"That's all you are- a slut. A whore. That's all you're ever going to be." I verbally abused Petunia as I moved closer. She had foolishly backed herself up into a corner. Then I moved.

I grabbed her, pulled out my wand and said sharply "Silencio!" Petunia struggled, but no sound came from her mouth. I pushed her down on the bed, as she tried to escape. I brought my face close to hers and jeered at her. "Slut." Pinning her down easily with one hand, I yanked her sweatpants off and ran my fingers along her inner thighs. No, yes, no, yes! My mind screamed. My good Sirius told me to stop, that this was despicable. My hate Sirius told me to go on, to make her cry, to have power. And as I stopped, and as I struggled, Petunia writhed in her white panties, tears streaming down her face.

And then my hate Sirius made a final effort and took over.

I wrenched her sweatshirt over her head, mussing up her hair and banging her some on the nose, but I didn't care. I didn't care anymore about anything. I pressed one hand on her stomach as she lay, limply moving, in her bra and panties. Then I jerked my pants off.

My erection pressed against her thigh as I tore off her bra and ran my hands over her breasts. NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! screamed my good Sirius. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? But I couldn't do anything. My hate Sirius had taken over and I wasn't in control anymore. I pulled her panties off too, as Petunia struggled, now naked. I ran my tongue over her breasts, groping with my hands, then roughly sticking my tongue in her mouth, pushing past her lips. Petunia lay limply, giving up.

I straddled her, sitting on her stomach. This was despicable, this was horrible, this was sick, this was pleasure, this was not me. I am not a rapist.

Are you? demanded my hate Sirius. Are you, Sirius. Are you?

My lip trembled. I looked at myself for a moment- straddling a helpless, innocent woman, groping her. Then evil Sirius returned with a force, and I forgot everything. I kept my hands on her breasts as I used a knee to wedge open her legs. Petunia would have screamed but for the silencing charm I had performed on her. I spread her legs and pushed in.

This was not the first time I had raped Petunia. When I reached my climax, and experienced the final moment, and collapsed on Petunia, I suddenly came to my senses. She was sobbing. And I would have screamed.

I was no better then those who I chased.

Petunia

He called me a slut, a whore. And I was. When Black raped me, I was feeling shame, fear, repulse, anger- but I was also feeling ecstasy. How could somebody so handsome, so breathtaking, so good-looking take an interest in me? When he thrust, I saw his elegant jawbone as he threw his head back, his hair flopped in his face, his burning grey eyes. I felt him inside of me, felt him moving, and I wanted to move with him. As he collapsed, I felt his hard strong body on top of me, and sometimes I wished that this could be true. That I could put my arms around him and kiss him. That he would stay there forever.

I hated Black. He was my nightmare. I feared Black, but at the same time, I loved him. He had an interest in me. I was ugly, unlike my beautiful sister, but he had sex with me. It was rape, yes. But I felt a shameful pleasure in it. And maybe that made it rape no longer.

Black withdrew from me. I was breathing hard as Black stumbled over, off the bed, and to the wall, still undressed. Raising my head slightly, I could see his fit body seemed pale and wan. He covered his face with his hands. And amazingly, I saw a tear glint between his fingers. And another, before tears were slowly sliding down his hands while Black made no movement to brush them away. Tears to match my tears. Sobs to match my sobs.

I lay there as Black wept, as he cried out his sorrows. Tears, too, rolled down my face, but unlike Black's, they stopped. Then, though I hated and feared Black, I felt pity for him. I felt pity for the man who sobbed softly by the wall. And as though I was in a dream, I got off the bed, wincing slightly from my sore crotch and breasts. I walked over to Black.

I laid a hand gently on his arm, aware I was still naked, that there was nothing between me and him. And the door was closed.

Sirius raised his eyes to me, dropping his hands. He stared at me, his grey eyes cold and hard like pebbles, still glistening from tears like they were in a riverbed. And yet, I saw a burning in them. I longed to pierce his hard exterior and reach the true man inside, the true Sirius Black that I knew there was.

As I gazed into his eyes, I was moved. I saw pain, and repulse, and fear (fear? In Sirius Black? But yes, I did see it). I saw horror, and little joy. He had raped me. I was hurt and sore. But in his eyes I read so many emotions they bewildered me, overcame me, until all I was aware of was those grey eyes. My world in those eyes. And though I hated and feared Sirius Black, I thought in that moment that maybe, my feelings could change, maybe.

Maybe.

I reached up, brushed his hair out of his face, and very gently, I kissed Sirius Black's lips.

The door was locked.