The Last Train

The Last Train

Remus Lupin saw platform nine and three quarters standing before him. He was a little confused as to why he was here when he was supposed to be fighting the Death Eaters and Voldemort, but then he remembered the flash of green light before his eyes. Avada Kedavra, The Killing Curse. He was yet another victim of that dark magic.

He looked around and saw Tonks sitting on a bench by herself. She had clearly been waiting for him. There were others, too - he recognized some of his former students heading for the train. He caught a glimpse of Fred Weasley and looked away - if this place was what he thought it was, then Harry and the Weasleys would have much grieving to do.

Tonks looked at him, "Wotcher," she said, but it was with a mingled tone of bittersweet joy and sadness.

"Are we dead?" Lupin asked, getting straight to the point.

"I think so," Tonks said, "That means that Ted... Oh, Remus!"

She dived into his arms. He put his arms around her, like he thought he should do, but he didn't really know what to think or say. His mind was back in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, where he and Harry had been fighting. He had known, then, that somehow he would let his son down, before he had even been born. Harry had had faith in him. Harry-

"Harry will take care of him," Lupin said, "I know he will. Your mother will also watch over him." He didn't know if it reassured Tonks, who let go of him and looked towards the train, but his words had truth to them, and they reassured him. He tried not to think about what would happen if Harry died in the battle against Voldemort.

"Do we have to get on that train?" asked Tonks, "I want to go back. I want to see our son."

Lupin didn't know, but he had no fear of the train. A guilty part of him admitted that he didn't want to go back to the real world. After all, the one person he had been truly yearning for for all those years was at that train's destination, wasn't he? He hoped so, with all his shameful heart.

He fought back the urge to run for the train, lest it leave without him. He had a duty as Tonks's husband to reassure her, to get her where she needed to go. But where was that, exactly? Would her afterlife be at his side, for all eternity?

More guilt, as he realized that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Sirius. It wasn't that he didn't love Tonks, he did, but in a kind of companionable way, like good friends or relatives loved one another. She had given him solace in his suffering, company in his loneliness, understanding in his isolation and grief. He was grateful for that, but she was not Sirius. They had not grown up together, she had not become an Animagus for him, she had not seen him become a werewolf and loved him anyway, as Sirius had done. It was not her fault, she had not been there in those years. She never could have known the things that had gone on between them at school or the everlasting bond that had been forged there.

But he knew he had to go where the train took him, and that destination was uncertain. Who knew what lie on the other side? Perhaps Dementors were waiting to suck up his soul and destroy his existence forever. The thought sent a chill through him.

The whistle blew, and Lupin wondered if that meant that the battle was over, or whether the train was full of those departing for the afterlife, as he now accepted that was the truth of it. He hoped that it was not the latter. He already saw too many faces he knew.

"We have to go," Lupin said, kindly but firmly. Tonks hesitated, and Remus left her side and started for the train. He had to go. He didn't belong to that world any more and he could almost hear Sirius calling for him to come home. The thought of it was too sweet for him to resist.

Tonks, seeing that she would be alone if she stayed, followed.

They boarded the train, an exact replica of the Hogwarts Express, in silence. Some of the people they passed were crying. Fred was telling jokes to try and cheer them up, especially Colin Creevey, who clutched his wand and wept. Too young to die, Lupin thought sadly, as he led Tonks into a compartment and sat down in silence. He thought of Harry, and hoped that he was doing all right. Sirius would kill him if he let his godson come to any harm. James and Lily would be devastated. He didn't want their reunion to be marred with that sadness.

But there wasn't much he could do about it now, was there?

Tonks's hair was a deep shade of blue now, and she looked out of the window, away from Lupin. He couldn't see if she was angry or sad or a combination of both. He sighed. She hadn't had to come and fight. She hadn't needed to follow him into death. She had made the choice to fight with him instead of staying with their son. If she regretted it now, well... He didn't finish the thought. It wasn't her fault she was here. It was Voldemort and the Death Eaters who had taken so much away from so many.

The train pulled into a station, and a friendly voice came over the announcer, calling out a name. Lupin thought he might have heard the name before, perhaps in one of his classes in his short tenure as teacher of Defense Against The Dark Arts. He saw the boy step out onto the platform and be greeted by some elderly-looking people (his grandparents, perhaps, Lupin wondered) and a lot of cats who were winding around their feet.

The train continued on its way, stopping for each individual, who happily greeted somebody they knew. Eventually it stopped for Fred, and he opened the door and waved to Lupin and Tonks as he passed by their compartment. He stepped out into a sea of red-headed relatives offering him knitted socks and wide smiles, and then the train moved ahead again.

Night was falling, and Lupin and Tonks were some of the last people on the train. Lupin wanted to reach his destination. Trepidation, doubt and fear built up inside him. Would he even see Padfoot and Prongs? If he did, would they welcome him? What would Sirius think about his marriage? Would he forgive him?

But it happened after his death, he told himself, it's not something you need to be forgiven for. Would Sirius have wanted you to be unhappy?

Of course not, he argued with himself, but he wouldn't have wanted you to be dishonest, either... and you have been dishonest, haven't you?

He looked at Tonks, sitting beside him. She'd been crying a lot, for their son, he presumed. He slipped an arm around her. He thought he should say something, but he didn't know what it was he should say. It was James and Sirius who had always been the talkers. They would have known how to comfort her, but he was the quiet one. He didn't know how-

"Remus Lupin," the announcer called. He stood up, and looked at Tonks. Her name had not been called. What did it mean?

She stood anyway, and followed him to the door. It was Hogsmeade Station that had pulled up outside the window.

He opened the door, and they stood there, looking happy and healthy on the platform. Snow was falling all around them. His eyes poured over them, his best friends... his love. James, Lily and Sirius stood there, looking radiant, Sirius especially. The years that Azkaban had put on him had fallen away. He longed to step outside and rush into those arms and plant kisses on Sirius, but he had Tonks to consider, and he turned to her.

She shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. She swallowed them, "You belong here," she said, her voice thin and breaking.

"You're welcome to come, I mean... I think you and Lily would get along well..." He hesitated, but he had to offer. He had to. Perhaps, if she came, they could all work out some understanding...

Tonks shook her head, "This is not my place, Remus. This is your place. These are the people you have yearned to be reunited with all these years. The times you shared together when you were young bonded you to these people. This is the one place I cannot follow you into."

"I'm sorry," he said, as if he could somehow make it better by saying that. He stepped off the train, and the door closed behind him. Sirius came up to him and put his hand comfortingly on Remus's shoulder, as if to say, "I know, and it's okay." They watched the train pull away together.

Tonks wondered where the train would take her. She hoped that she would see her father again, as she missed him deeply. There were also her grandparents, and her great-grandfather and his owl with the one eye...

Tonks took one last look out of the window to see a silhouette of two people embracing as one on the platform. She did not have to wonder who it was. She knew, she had always known, deep inside, yet she had wanted so dearly to love and be loved by Remus Lupin that she had let herself ignore it.

Even though it broke her heart, she wished them well.