One Wise Woman

O sisters, too, how may we do
For to preserve this day?
This poor Youngling for whom we sing,
Bye-bye, lulloo, lullay.

-"Coventry Carol", Traditional

There was silence for perhaps more than a minute before I took a deep breath and began to speak. "Severus, attempting to kill yourself is not a crime in the eyes of the law. And the High Court would never convict you of murder or even manslaughter for self-defence against an active Death Eater. Even if they tried, Albus would - he would never let that happen to you. You know that."

His tired eyes told me that he knew.

"Your own law is often harsher than the Ministry's, though. Your conscience may lead you to believe that because of your actions, you are not worthy of living."

I leaned forward and took his other hand. "Listen to me, Severus. The very fact that you left Hogwarts because you did not want to endanger us is more than enough proof that you are a truly worthy human being. If you weren't, Albus wouldn't have made himself available as your confessor. He trusts you, Severus, and you know as well as I do that he only trusts those who are worthy of his trust. In laying such a great responsibility on you, he has as good as told you that he would trust you with his life. And if you died, whether or not it was for the Order, he would grieve for you as he would for his own son." As he did for his own son, I thought. I let that sink in for a minute before I continued. "I taught you Transfiguration for seven years. I have taught with you for fifteen years now. Despite the fact that we are not all that close, we still have a solid sort of acquaintanceship. You stay out of my way, I stay out of yours, and we'll exchange greetings while passing through Albus's office once in a while. Severus - I - I'm sorry it was that way. That it is that way. I've always felt that if I had done something when you were a student of mine - said a word to Potter or Black at an opportune time, separated you from Rosier or Avery - that you might not have joined the Death Eaters." He started to say something, but I cut him off. "Listen to me, Severus. You were too good for them. You always have been, and you always will be." I held his gaze. "And whatever you've done for them, whatever atrocities you've committed for them - you've been absolved. By both Albus - and me."

I dropped my eyes. I couldn't look at him during this next part. "You wonder what authority I have to absolve you, Severus. Put it this way - I've noticed what you've been looking at on my wall tonight.

"The young man on the far right was my nephew Meleagrant. He was approached by the Death Eaters the year before you arrived at Hogwarts. He had graduated, and he - accepted their offer. But he couldn't take the extent of the atrocities. He became a founding, albeit extremely covert, member of the Order instead, reporting only to Albus. Lucius Malfoy found him out after Meleagrant had sabotaged an operation. They killed him, and my husband, and everyone else in that picture except the woman on the far left - my sister Medea."

I couldn't go on any further for the moment. Severus, however, began to speak wonderingly. "I remember him. I went on an operation with him. They called him the Black Lion - we all had names of that sort. And Professor - Minerva - he kept up appearances, but there was something odd about him - something odd for Death Eaters, anyway. He always tried his best not to...prolong the suffering. He was a Death Eater, Minerva, but his heart wasn't in it. I want you to know that."

I cleared my throat. I did not want to hear that at the moment, even though I likely would later. There was more to the story. I had seen Severus as likely no other but Albus had - vulnerable. The least I could do was give him a little bit of myself in return.

"You may remember that in your sixth year, I took a month's leave of absence, and Albus taught your class." He nodded. "Hogwarts had always sustained me - I felt as though the work I was doing was more than worthwhile. But it wasn't the most important thing in the world to me. That would have been my husband Theron. And when he - when he was killed...I had tried to prepare myself for that eventuality, but I never imagined how hard it would actually be. I simply stopped functioning. I did not want to live." I was speaking quite quickly now. "And I slipped in Professor Buckminster's stores and made myself a Sitra Achra." I saw his eyes widen, and I laughed bitterly. "Wouldn't have thought that a Transfiguration teacher would know that one, would you? At any rate, I took it back to my office and drank it, staring at a picture of Theron all the while. He was my everything, Severus. Everything." I swiped briefly at my eyes with anger. "And if Albus hadn't walked in on me, I would have died. As it was, he set me up in Theron's and my flat in Hogsmeade and sent a nurse to stay with me during the day. He himself watched me at night. The nights were the worst. I wandered the flat; Albus read. We would play endless games of chess. I suffered from hallucinations because of the aftereffects of the Sitra Achra, and I...I sometimes saw Albus as the Angel of Death. I fought him - literally. But he was always patient, always kind."

I stared at my feet. "I owe him more than anyone knows. He - he gave me the gift of my life. I tried to throw it away - I rejected it. And he gave it back to me.

"I returned to school on Christmas Eve, and I picked up where I had left off after the holidays." I didn't tell Severus about the one time I tried to speak to Albus about what had gone on - tried to thank him - he looked at me and said, You wish to repay me? When the time comes, do for someone else what I have done for you. Oh, I remembered that.

I looked at Severus now, clasping his hands firmly in mine. "Severus, you deserve life. Your life is worth more than so much trash. It is precious - too precious to waste on worrying about past sins. First Albus, and now I, have absolved you; now I give you your life."

Severus then proceeded to do exactly what I had done on a similar occasion so many years ago: he screwed up his face and began to cry. I then did what Albus had done on that same occasion: I took Severus in my arms and let him do it. When he was finished, he fell asleep. I did not let myself look at him. If I looked at him, I would lose it. I was dangerously close to the edge as it was. Instead, I took up the can of Floo powder, muttered, "Levo," lifted Severus, and took him back to Hogwarts and put him to bed. After tucking him in, I left immediately and went straight to Albus's office.