Just a Friend

I'm drinking just to have something to do with my hands, with my lips.

You don't know I'm here yet, but I don't know how long I can hide. You always find me. You're talking, I can see your lips moving and I feel mine miming the echoes of your words. You begin to turn towards me but I quickly slink into the forest of red heads. I don't want you to see me. I'm not sure that I know why, but I don't.

You turn back, a slight frown on your slender face. Perhaps you noticed that I wasn't there and missed me? No, life just isn't that fair.

You resume your chatting and I notice that I am sipping air. I go for a refill. I need to keep myself occupied, to keep myself from going near you.

I watch you from my fortress of faceless bodies. You're not perfect. I can see it. You are slightly scrawny, your hair is always a mess and your glasses are rounded and childish. But that's what's so amazing. You're not perfect. But neither am I.

You turn and see me in my lapse of concentration. You catch my eye and smile, lifting a weary arm just to wave at me. I feel myself grinning back. Suddenly you are gliding towards me through the mass of bodies. I take another sip to hide my blush and the glass merges with my hand and the wine is my blood and I cannot force it down.

You tell me you didn't see me arrive and that I should have come to find you. I hear a voice say that I only just got here and it takes a while to register that it was my own. You wrap your arms rapidly around my shoulders and squeeze me, and I feel my legs go heavy and suddenly my ears aren't working. The embrace is short in real time, and I'm back to facing you, but it will be a lasting moment in my memory.

We talk I remember that I spoke but I don't remember speaking.

I know that I laughed but I don't remember laughing.

I felt myself die there, but I'm still here now. Alive and alone.

My heart beats so fast it is a hum. Hummm...

I try to keep my composure and be the same clever, witty person I always was. I see my reflection in your glasses. My hair is a mess. It always was but it didn't matter until now.

I feel my arm lifting to try and hide as much of the bulk as I can. A few seconds later I see you lift your hand to flatten your hair, talking all the while, oblivious. I gasp under my breath. I remember a book I read once on the psychology of body language. It said that you subconsciously imitate a person if you like them and want them to return the favour. Do I dare hope? Perhaps there is a possibility. I will never know...

A yell breaks the little bubble that was surrounding us and the sounds of the whole world come crashing down. I turn my head, though it almost hurts to tear my eyes from you. I don't know how much longer you will be in this world. I want to soak up every ounce I can of you.

I see our red-headed friend blundering towards us. I am relieved. The pressure of talking to you was almost crushing me. It shouldn't be this hard.

I want to tell you all of this, I want you to know but I couldn't bare it if you didn't feel the same. I'd die. Our friendship would be over, you would feel too awkward and you need no more trouble at a time like this. No more heartache. I couldn't do it to you. I'll live and breathe for you and you'll never know it. I'll say these words that you'll never hear. I'll die for you when the time comes, and the time will come. But for now I'll just stand and watch. I'll remember every word you say and see your every movement. You are movement.

You'll be mine in secret, my boy-who-lived. And you will survive to be the man-who-conquered.

And I'll always be your friend.

Just a friend.