The War Within

"Internal Wars"

Harry sat at the back of the dank dungeon, trying desperately to remotely concentrate on the lesson. Snape drawled on in his usual monotonous tones and chastising the Gryffindors at any given chance. Not to mention Draco brushing his leg frequently against Harry's was making it impossible to think clearly because his mind was clouded with thoughts of what would happen later...Snape chose this as his moment to attack.

"Potter, what are the five known applications of the Regulatus potion?" Snape spat all in one breath.

"Um...well...they are...," Harry tried desperately looking to Draco for answers. Draco's confused face, although it was quite cute, did not provide him with the answers he needed. Of course, Hermione's hand shot up and with such force that Harry actually felt a breeze blow past him while he was stalling.

"Answer, Potter."

"I don't know, sir," Harry stated timidly.

"What was that?" Snape knew what Harry said; he just wanted to hear it again from Perfect Potter's mouth, who was so much like his father, admit that he didn't know.

"I said I don't know, sir." His patience was thinning, but then again, Harry never had much of a tolerance for Snape.

"Well, well, well. These five simple uses were clearly listed, in a bulleted list I believe, in the text you were assigned to have read for class today. Slacking are we, Potter? Twenty-five points from Gryffindor with an additional five for Hermione's acts of omniscience," Snape retorted.

"Sadistic bastard," Harry mumbled under his breath, clenching his fists, to Draco, "Does he have a friggen' mental disorder?"

Snape stopped his oppressive pacing across the front of the room as soon as he heard Harry's words. Although Harry merely mumbled them, he heard them loud and clear.

"What was that Potter? See me after class." From his tone anyone could tell that he was completely pissed off. No one else even heard the remark to know what to make of Snape's sudden "more pissed at the world than usual" disposition.

The rest of class was hell.

After, Snape assigned a two-and-three-quarters foot essay due the next day on the properties of the Regulatus potion that made even Hermione sigh. Everyone silently filed out of Snape's classroom in a hurry; everyone except Harry.

"Got all the answers don't you, Potter?"

"Sir, I really don't even know what I said to make you go of like this," Harry tried in defense.

"No, Potter," Snape replied angrily, "you know what you said. You just don't realize what it meant."

Harry just looked at Snape with emotions of confusion and misunderstanding. He didn't know what to think of the situation, but he decided if he kept his mouth shut he couldn't possibly get into anymore trouble.

"Bipolar disorder," Snape stated without any hint of emotion.

"Sorry, sir, I don't--"Harry tried to question.

"It's a disease, Harry. A mental disorder. You asked if I had a mental disorder, and yes, I do. Bipolar disorder," Snape said still without the slightest hint of emotion.

"Sir, still I don't know--"Harry asked with even more confusion than before.

"God Potter, are you stupid? It's a disease. A mental one, but I think we've covered that, which leaves the victim in emotional valleys and peaks, highs and lows. One minute I'll be fine and the next, severely depressed," Snape said as if he was simply stating facts. He never once looked at Harry. Due to Harry's lack of response, he decided to elaborate. "You know how you feel when you fly? Like everything in the world is right? And I know that you know pretty well what it feels like to be in the presence of a dementor. Well, Potter, imagine going from one extreme to the other randomly, never knowing if tomorrow you will wake up on cloud nine or more depressed than you have ever felt in your entire life. It's treatable with potions, but if you don't know you have it, you're left to think that you are totally alone and totally fucked up. And as a teenager you don't usually know that you have it or what's going on."

Harry could not believe that one: Snape was telling him this and two: he was showing no emotions. Snape continued.

"I never hated your father," he said with a slight edge to his voice (so he was human). "I hated what he did for me...that I never got to thank him or Sirius because I was a stubborn fool."

Harry sat in total silence and disbelief.

"Okay, Potter, you are obviously not going to get this any other way so I guess I'll just have to show you."

Severus stepped over to one of the many cabinets in the potion's room and withdrew a bowl-shaped object from the shelf. Harry recognized it immediately as a pensive.

"I believe you know the routine," Snape asked as he touched the silvery surface; Harry followed suit.

They were at Hogwarts, yes, definitely Hogwarts. Student's were going back to their dormitories and by the look of the sky from the window nearby it was pretty late. Harry looked at the real Snape and he just motioned for Harry to stay still. Harry obeyed.

In entered a small, pale boy from one of the connecting corridors. He looked about Harry's age in the face, but his body was small and skinny. He stood outside of a portrait of a boggy swamp, seemingly trying different passwords that would not allow him access to his dorm. From down the hall, two boys laughing loudly could be seen. They stopped and seemed to converse with the smaller boy.

Snape motioned for Harry to step closer, still never saying a word, so that they could better hear their conversation. As Harry stepped closer, he gasped. For a moment he thought he saw himself in Snape's vision, but quickly realized that the tell-tale scar was missing from his forehead. He was looking at his father. His eyes began to tear as he noticed the other boy. It was unmistakably a young Sirius Black.

"...Aww, poor Sevie forgot his password. Looks like he'll be sleeping in the corridor tonight..." was all that Harry heard his father taunt as he was pulled out of his sentimental reverie.

"Just leave me alone, okay," the sickly-looking boy replied meekly.

"Oh, Sevie, that's exactly what we intend to do," laughed the young Sirius. With that, he and James strolled off through the hallway laughing side by side. The young Severus Snape was the only person left in the corridor. He hit the back of his head on the wall and slid down it to a sitting position, hoping and praying that another Slytherin was late and would come along and open the portrait.

For hours, it seemed, the two time-travelers just looked at the Slytherin. He did not blink, he did not move, he just blankly stared at the stone wall across from him. Finally, Harry noticed a movement of a tear down his check. Young Snape quickly wiped the single tear away, but as if it was out of his control a sea of others followed quickly in its path.

Harry looked at Snape, looked to him for answers, but he saw one solitary tear run down his check also. He wiped it away in much of the same manner that the young Snape did except it wasn't followed by any more. This was obviously painful for him to watch.

Suddenly, as if driven by an unseen force, the small boy stood up from the ground and started walking at a fast pace. Harry knew by now it was very late and the hallways were deserted. He had something in his eye, not a tear, but the look of fear...of fear and anger. As he stormed through the hallway, Harry realized that Snape had followed the boy. Harry ran to catch up.

The young Snape, Harry and Snape twisted and turned through the castle at amazing speeds. They flew up staircases and ran down other just as quickly. Finally they came to a tower; the North tower, the highest tower. Young Snape, with that same look of determined fear, started briskly up the steps. Harry knew what they had to do.

They climbed, and climbed, and finally when Harry was certain there would be no end, they hit a landing. The young Snape seemed to panic momentarily then take on this wild appearance, and insane appearance. He looked at the window and smiled. This was it.

Harry finally understood. He saw what was happening. Snape was going to jump.

A sudden clamor was heard on the staircase behind them. All turned to see what the commotion was, but none of the spectators saw a thing. Harry figured it out. The noises seemed to stop and were hushed into a quick whisper. Suddenly the cloak, as Harry had suspected, was disregarded and Sirius Black and James Potter were on the landing of the tower. Young Severus made an audible sigh. "Can't I ever just get it over with without you two interrupting?!"

Sirius and James seemed as if they were about to mock, laugh at, or ridicule the boy...again...but thankfully James was able to realize the seriousness of the situation and act upon it. This probably saved his life.

"Hey, Severus, get down from there. Let's talk," said James. He sounded sincere.

"Yah, Snape. No one wants to have to clean up your guts from the ground," Sirius said, but James quickly stomped on his foot making him realize the enormity of the situation, "Um...ow...I mean, please Severus, come down."

"And of all people I'm going to listen to you?"

"Severus, please. We can get you help," James seemed to beg, hoping that maybe he could impact the boy enough to make him change his mind.

The young Snape glanced back and forth between the two several times before slowly deciding to step down from the window sill.

"Come on, Severus...," Sirius said.

Harry felt the familiar tug in the pit of his stomach and knew he was being pulled back. Truly moved by what he just saw, he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as he landed back in the dungeon. Snape had clearly been crying but had calmed himself down. Neither of them spoke for some time, they just sat in a contemplative silence.

"I don't know what they were doing in the tower at the time, but I am glad that they were. And I have beaten myself up for everyday of my life because I never told them that. I couldn't just tell them how thankful I was for what they did, how I actually appreciated what they did. No, instead I hated them more, and now I will never get the chance to thank them. And, you're really going to get a kick out of this one, it wasn't the only time they stopped me. No, it seemed like whenever I was low enough to attempt it they would show up on cue and save the day. I never once thanked them, EVER!" Snape yelled as his voice cracked and the tears flowed freely down his face.

Harry decided it would probably be best not to speak at the time. He just sat and looked at his potions teacher, a man that was so misunderstood. His heart truly went out to him.

"They know, sir," Harry said as he finally broke the silence.

"What?" asked Snape in a broken sob.

"They know that you are thankful for what they did, even if you never said it."

Snape just looked up at Harry. The boy he had judged for so long, the boy he had judged for too long. It needed to end now.

"Thank you, Harry."

~finis~