A Kiss With Open Eyes

-I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark-

There was no beginning, no gradual build up, no tension. No, Harry Potter, you hit me like a train and caught me totally off guard. It was a glance in the hall, a stare in a classroom, a glimpse on the pitch after practice. I noticed a mention of your name in conversation incited interest, a fleeting declaration of your last heroic deed enthralled me. And so, like all Malfoy's, I set out to get what I want. Needless to say, I caught your eye. And it's bloody amazing that Voldemort hasn't gotten to you yet, seeing that you're so easily persuaded... soon enough I noticed the glances were fewer but less malicious; I took it as a sign.

A note was all it took. Hastily scribbled in Potions and handed to you after class. All it said was "Hary, room 207, at 12." Yes, your name was misspelled. I had to use your first name, I was enticing you, but I couldn't bring myself to spell it right. I felt like be doing this I wasn't really talking to you, I wasn't using or calling you by your first name for the first time. I was a bit in denial.

You showed up, never one to let people down, but I wasn't sure at first if you would come. You had infinitely more reasons why not to come than why to but you opened the door and you looked at me, with your head cocked to the side, looking at me as if I were something new...and then you spoke:

"I know what you want," you said coolly.

"Really? Sure of yourself aren't you?" Maybe you knew more than I wanted you too.

"Yah, because I want it too."

I closed the space between us and our world's collided as did our mouths. Our tongues connected as did ours hips, and it all-- all the animosity of six years, all the fights, stares--fell crashing down. It fell around you and I, leaving us kissing in the middle of all the wreckage. In its own tragic right it was beautiful.

Kissing lead to roaming hands, each of us becoming bolder by the minute. A discarded tie here, a thrown shirt there; we were going too fast and not fast enough at the same time. The train wreck would come later, but not just yet. Kisses became harder, leading to bites which would inevitably leave marks and the crashing of hips consequently resolves in bruising. We didn't care, all we needed was the moment.

In retrospect it seems off, almost fairytale, that a note could change it all, but I think we were both naïve to think that six years of tension were leading nowhere. I guess it, whatever "it" is, was there all along. We simply didn't want to see it.

I opened my eyes mid-kiss, realizing how much of a fallacy that made it. A kiss with open eyes isn't passionate, or romantic, or anything a kiss is supposed to be. It's a lie, but to my astonishment, as I opened my eyes, I saw you staring right back at me. It was comforting, and repulsing. It was a lie, and I knew I was tangled in it.

So I did the only this I could to dispassionate the scenario. I handled you roughly, leaving red nail marks all down your back, all traces of previous tenderness gone, and lied again as I moaned your name. I yelled that I wanted you, which wasn't a lie, but it wasn't totally true. I wanted you for the moment, after that, I didn't know. I guess we both knew we were lying to ourselves, although deep down I think it was what we both wanted but didn't see as feasible. And as I fell panting, I felt the first impact of the train on my heart.

-Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day-

Things mulled over in my head in the unaccustomed haziness of the afterglow. This is what I wanted but not how I wanted it. You roll over on the floor to face me, wiping a single tear that I pretend not to see from your eye, and I know that you wanted it too, but not like this either. I can see the bruises already on your neck, as I realize that my own lip is bleeding. I look into your eyes, and just when I thought that the train wreck was over, it hit me again.

I was scared of commitment, that's why I couldn't simply accept the moment as beautiful and go with it, that's why I had to take it this far, that's why I had to ruin it. I couldn't be happy, and if I stayed at rock bottom I couldn't be let down. Your eyes saw right through me, saw the inner turmoil, and your weak smile was an attempt at comfort, I assume, a way to say that it's okay. That you'll try, and maybe, just maybe, it could work. I, the coward, grabbed my clothes, put them on before you could think of something to say, and fled the room.

-All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."-

I walked blindly towards the lake, thinking things through, not believing my actions. Had I gone slow, had I allowed myself to be human and to feel, I could be happy now. But I didn't want happiness, and it's a good thing, because it's not what I got. The bitter taste of regret formed in my mouth, and the sickening feeling of guilt settled in my stomach as I headed for the lake.

Huge grey storm clouds floated over the grounds, crowding out the once beautiful day. Rain drops began to fall suddenly. First lightly, and then drenching as I noticed a blurred figure in the distance headed towards me.

"I know what you wanted," you yelled over the sound of a cracking thunder as you are steadily drenched by the rain, "and this isn't it! You didn't want to leave, you didn't want to hurt me, and you didn't want it to end like this! And neither did I!"

Another peal of thunder and a bolt of lightening cracks the sky in two, and so does my heart. Half wants to say no because I'm scared of what will come if I totally surrender myself to you, but so much more of me wants to say yes. I don't know if I was crying, it was impossible to tell with all the rain drops on my face, but I know deep inside I was.

I couldn't answer. I could have stayed like that, staring at you through the rain for hours, stuck between heaven and hell, and been okay with it because I wouldn't have to make a decision. But I saw your face fall and shoulders slump as you began to turn away, and I felt my heart go with you as you did.

-So one last touch and then we'll go
And we'll know that it meant something so much more
But the first was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful and you mean so much to me
yeah you are beautiful and you mean so much to me-

Suddenly my legs are moving, and fast, leading me straight to you. You don't hear my footfalls over the patter of rain until I am directly behind you and you turn and look me straight in the eye. I want to try again, I need another chance. And your eyes, they understand, and tell me all I need to know. I promise myself and maybe even you out loud, that it won't happen again. That I can't see you go, that I want...no...love you. And as the thunder crashes again, you bury your head into my neck in an embrace and I will hold you there, dripping wet, until the rain stops.