Shocking Revelations

VII

One week after Dumbledore had told Severus about the new DADA teacher, a young woman with black hair and sad blue eyes was watching pensively the landscape in one of the Hogwarts Express compartments. Was she actually looking at it or was she concentrated on other things, deeper things? In all her years carrying the sweets trolley, Mrs. Appleby had never seen someone so...sad? No, that wasn't the word. So...so....melancholic! Yes, that was the word she was looking for. That was the way the girl looked.

"Please, please, give me the strength to face this!" begged Rowena McFarrell silently as the train took her nearer and nearer to Hogwarts. So many years had passed, so many things hadn't been said, so many secrets........! She shook her head. Well, now they were going to be revealed....at least some of them, if she had the strength to do so. But would he be willing to listen to her? Would he be able to understand why she had disappeared 15 years ago? Why she had never get in touch with him? She supposed not.

"He must hate me" she thought, "and he has all the right to feel that way".

"No, he hasn't" said another little voice inside her. "You couldn't get in touch with him because you were in hospital, remember? You spent six years of your life in a mental hospital without any conscience of what was going out outside, remember?"

"Yes" she replied, "but why didn't I get in touch with him when I was cured?"

"Because you were afraid, because you couldn't bear the thought of having to tell him about...."

"Oh, please, stop it!!!!" she begged as she felt tears coming to her eyes and her mind, as it had done so many times before- went back in time to the moment....to the moment when...

"Oh my Goodness, you are pregnant too!" shouted Lily excitedly as soon as she saw her. And as she had done hundreds of times before, she wondered how Lily could guess what she had to tell her just by looking at her.

"You couldn't pretend you hadn't guessed this time, could you?" she smiled as she embraced her friend.

They were at the most fashionable restaurant in Diagon Alley, something that hadn't stopped Lily from shouting. But then, was there anything or anyone able to stop Lily?

"No, I couldn't Come, come, I want to know everything! Are you OK? Have you told your father? Have you told him?"

"Yes, no and no," sighed Rowena. "I'm fine, thank you, I've never felt so happy before. I haven't told my father since, as you know, he is fighting against Voldemort in some remote and secret place I am not supposed to know. And I haven't been able to talk to Severus...".

Lily put a hand on her friend's arm trying to comfort her.

"He will be back soon," she said.

"Yes. But why doesn't he write to me? I've sent him hundreds of owls and all I get are reports from the Ministry telling em he's fine and that he's in a place where owls can reach him. I can't understand why all this secret, I.....I miss him so much!"

"Oh, Rowena, I wish I could do something!"

"In times like this I wish mum was alive! Oh, don't worry, I will...I will be fine," she replied wiping the tears away. "I know he's doing something very important, it's just that I am...I am a bit sensitive these days!. Besides, I haven't known anything about my father for three weeks now!"

"Have you talked to Frank? Maybe he can do something...".

"I've talked to him and he knows nothing. Oh, Lily, sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do!"

"You," replied Lily firmly, "are going to enjoy your pregnancy along with me, we are going to buy a lot of things for our babies and we are going to have a lot of fun together, you'll see."

Rowena smiled although her smile was a rather sad one.

"I don't know what I would do without you, dear Lily," she sighed.

The first thing Rowena saw when she woke up was the lamp that hung from the ceiling. The second, the nurse's face, smiling broadly. The third, a small, moving bulk in her arms.

For some seconds, she couldn't utter a word, until realisation came and she started crying softly. That was her baby, her precious, little baby. After nine months of anxiety and expectation, it had finally happened. "Our baby," she thought. "Oh, Severus, how much I'd like you to be here!"

"Careful, honey!" said the nurse giving her the baby.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm his mother. I'll know what to do," she said as she took the little boy in her arms. A boy, a beautiful, perfect little boy that was smiling -did babies smile?- as if he knew he was the centre of her universe.

"Hello, little Frank, I'm your mum!" she told the little baby crying and holding him tight against her heart. She liked that name, and she knew Severus wouldn't object to it. After all, it was the name of his best friend. He would surely ask Frank Longbottom to be the godfather.....Well, she would ask Lily too!

"Lily! How's Mrs. Potter?" she asked looking at the nurse.

The woman stood silent for some minutes, unable to speak.

"Is everything OK?" she asked again, feeling a sudden cold running down her spine.

"Well....er....she's fine...but the baby.....I'm afraid the baby....is not well."

"Oh, no!"

"The doctors say that it's not likely he will survive this night! He's very weak and he was born with an illness which is.....mortal."

Rowena felt as if someone had hit her on the head with a hammer. She couldn't react. She could hear the nurse's words but somehow her brain didn't seem to understand them. It couldn't be true. This couldn't be happening to Lily. Not to her. Not after all the plans they had made together.... Harry and Frank would go to the same schools and to Hogwart's, of course. They would be best friends just like their mothers were, even if Severus and James didn't like the idea...

"Oh, no!" she prayed, "please, don't let Harry die!"

The sound of the train's horn made her jump with surprise. She hadn't realised time had passed so quickly. With trembling hands she picked up her coat and got off the train. The platform was deserted and her things were some metres away from her. Then, she heard the familiar voice calling her:

"Rowena! My, haven't you grown up!"

She turned around and smiled at the big figure that was walking towards her.

"Hagrid!", she exclaimed delightedly. She was really happy to see the kind face of Hogwarts' gamekeeper and Care of Magical Creatures teacher.

"I'm sorry I'm almost late, I had trouble with one of the boats!. Oh...I think I must be more respectful now that you are a teacher!"

Rowena laughed and hugged him.

"Hagrid, I will be very angry if you start calling me "Professor". It's still me, Rowena!"

Hagrid's eyes got wet. He was genuinely happy to see her again.

"So, Hagrid, how are things at Hogwarts?" she asked trying to sound casual.

"Oh, coming back to normality after last semester's tragedy!" he answered picking up her bags.

"Yes. I heard about the Diggory boy's murder."

"A murder it was, yes sir!. Oh, if I could have you-know-who in my hands...."

"Don't worry Hagrid. He will be defeated....as he was before!"

"Oh, I'm sure! Harry's now a big boy and a fine wizard, yes sir! Besides, with Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape at Hogwart's....oh....sorry...I..."

"Don't worry, Hagrid. I...I will meet him soon, so..."

"Anyway, I shouldn't have mentioned him, I shouldn't have mentioned him. Me and my big mouth!"

"It's fine, Hagrid....How has he been doing?" she asked.

Hagrid looked at her and smiled.

"Oh, he's an excellent teacher. A bit hard on the kids if you ask me...I can't say he's popular among them but...he cares a lot about them."

"I...I see. What about Professor Dumbledore? I heard...."

And with this kind of chit-chat between them they arrived to Hogwarts before even realising it.

VIII

Things hadn't gone quite as he had expected, thought Dumbledore that night after dinner. But he still had hopes, though. Professor McFarrell's arrival -it was hard to picture his friend's Angus daughter as a grown-up woman!- had set the school staff in turmoil, as the arrival of any new member always did.

But of course, as Minerva had well said, she wasn't an ordinary teacher. "I never thought you would play Cupid at your age, Albus! And I'm not sure this is a good idea at all!" she had told him. And he had put his best innocent face, but he hadn't been able to fool her. Still, in spite of all her doubts, she had done her best to keep Severus busy until her arrival. Fortunately, there were plenty of things at Hogwarts to keep a teacher busy!

He had to admit, though, that their first encounter hadn't been successful at all...He had asked all the teachers to meet at his office before dinner to know the new teacher. She had been serene and had greeted everyone gracefully, he recalled now, and she seemed to be in full control of herself until they came face to face with each other.

"Professor McFarrell," had said Severus stiffly, nodding his head.

"Professor Snape," had answered her with -resignation? acceptance? pain? Albus couldn't say what.

He could say one thing, though. However cold and distant they had greeted each other, there was still fire under the ashes, judging by the way they had exchanged glances during dinner, when they both thought the other wasn't looking. Yes, he could bet anything on that.

He smiled and five seconds later he fell asleep.

"Another sleepless night for you, damn it!" cursed Severus watching his face in the mirror. After what had seen an eternity, dinner had finally ended and he was free to escape to his room. Yes, that was the word, even though he didn't like it. He went to a small cupboard standing next to the door and opened it. He wasn't much of a drinker, but hell, that night he was going to get drunk, he decided as he picked up a bottle of wine.

Boy, how he needed something strong running through his veins that night! He felt quite hungry too, since he hadn't been able to eat anything. During dinner, all he could do was watch her intensely, as if he had never seen her before, trying to be discrete, trying not to let his severe mask fall for one second.

It had been quite an effort because....He collapsed on an armchair and hid his face in his hands. Oh, how it hurt to admit it but yes, it had only taken him one second, just one look at her to realise that he still loved her, that he still craved for her, so badly that it almost hurt him physically. She still looked just as the day he had told her he had to go away, the last time he had seen her. True, her eyes looked somehow less brilliant and sometimes she had a sad look in them but then, who hadn't suffered?

But she was still looking great, with her long, blond hair over her shoulders and those red lips he had kissed so many times...He wasn't surprised when he realised that he was getting aroused. He remembered very well the feeling of making love to her...

"Oh, God, how could everything end so badly!" he thought bitterly, demanding an explanation he knew would never come. And yet, it you put all the pieces together.... "If I had put them together," he thought.

But he hadn't.

One year he had been away, one year during which he had been ordered by Voldemort to explore the possibilities of forging an alliance with the giants, an alliance that would overthrown Fudge's government and would put him in charge. During that year he had managed to fool Voldemort many times: people that should have been killed were warned and taken to secret hidings, spells were cast to produce fake corpses when it was needed...

But some times overzealous members had acted faster, and many deaths that could have been avoided took place. He could still hear the shrieks sometimes, when nightmares came to haunt him; he could still hear the cries, he could picture how the victims' last moments should have been.

And then, things started to get wrong. Augustus Rookwood, who worked at the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry had started to have doubts about him, about his loyalty to the Dark Master. Then, after the Lestranges were caught -with information he had given Angus- even Voldemort himself started watching him more closely. That was when Albus decided to put an end to his mission. So he was called back and cleared from all charges, being free to fight against his former master.

Suddenly, all was over....as well as Lily's life. He could never understood what had taken Voldemort to the Potters' house, but that was irrelevant now. At first, he had believed that Sirius had been involved in that, being James' Secret Keeper. But after he had come face to face with him after he had escaped from Azkaban, he had started to believe what he had told everyone. Pettigrew? Could be.

Still, that was irrelevant for him. However Voldemort had known about the Potters, he had gone there and killed them both. And somehow the child had survived, defeating the evil wizard against all odds. When he arrived at the place, it was all over. Sirius had ran away leaving the baby to Hagrid, until Albus had finally decided to take the baby boy to his muggle family.

And then the Longbottoms...He always felt that had been somehow his fault. After Voldemort's disappearance, he had witnessed many trials of former Death Eaters. He knew some of them hadn't been caught yet...Barty Crouch amongst them. He suspected they would try to get in touch with Voldemort, and one way to get information would be by means of the Aurors. He had warned Frank and his friend, with his habitual optimism, had told him not to worry. And again, he had arrived too late. If he had insisted more on the protection issue...

The memory of Frank lying in his arms hurt him like a burning stab in the heart and he couldn't help crying. Then, he had found out that Angus too had fallen victim of Voldemort's fury, another victim of that price Albus said had to be paid for every victory. What victory? Frank, Lily, Angus.......and Rowena.

Oh, how he had looked for her, but no one could tell him what had been of her, not even Albus. She had disappeared from the face of earth. He knew she hadn't been killed, he knew all Voldemort's victims. But he couldn't find her anywhere and every day that went by found him more desperate, until that night...

That night after Crouch's trial had ended, after he had been forced to listen to every detail of the way he had hurt the Longbottoms, he had served himself a glass of one of the most potent poisons he was able to brew, and was just taking it to his mouth when Albus had arrived and, with a blast of his wand, had made the glass disappear.

How he had hated him then! Even now, after so many years, he could still remember each and every one of the insults he had told Albus, the terrible reproaches he had made him until he had finally collapsed in his arms, crying histerically.

"Come with me to Hogwarts," he had told him softly. And he had followed him, leaving behind all his crushed dreams, all his hopes of ever being happy again, promising himself he would never let anything make him suffer again...

And he had managed very well until today, until one look at the woman he loved had showed him that the wounds in his past hadn't healed at all...

Air. He needed fresh air, and the need was so urgent that it made him leave the room and go to the garden.

"Well, what did you expected?" asked the nasty little voice inside her as Rowena washed away her make-up. "That after so many years without knowing anything about you he would throw his arms around you and tell you that he loves you?"

A sob came to her throat. She would quit immediately, next morning she would tell Albus that she wasn't capable of enduring it, that she wouldn't be able to bear his indifference and.....hatred? Had he looked at her with hatred in her eyes?

"Of course!" said the voice again. "How couldn't he hate you? All those years and not even a letter?"

"Oh, stop it!" she shouted throwing a glass against the mirror and breaking it in pieces. She ran to the bed and threw herself on it, crying bitterly. What was she going to do? She had known that seeing him again would bring back a lot of sad memories, thoughts of what could have been and it hadn't, and she had mentally prepared herself for that. But she never thought that it would also bring back all the love she had felt for him. Because it had.

The moment she had seen him from the door she had understood that she still loved him, and she would have gladly thrown herself in his arms, kissed him and told him that she loved him without caring for the rest of the people in the room if it hadn't been for the coldness in his voice, a coldness that had cut her like a sharp razor...

"Oh, Severus, if you could only know!" she sobbed desperately, knowing it was in his hand to let him know, perhaps even understand.

But how could she explain him the pain she had been through? The day Frank had been born she had felt happy for her baby and sad for Lily's, for little Harry who everyone thought would die...Instead...

Oh, instead fate had decided, in a wicked twist, that it was Frank the one to die and Harry the one to live. Against all odds, Lily's baby had survived to everyone's surprise and hers had died. She didn't remember much after the nurse, with tears in her face had told her the news. She think she remembered herself running to the nursery and crashing cradles on her way, someone taking her by the arms and a sharp sting in her right arm.

Her next memories weren't clear. She remembered the mental hospital, the white, cold walls of her room, the big, fat nurse that took care of her, the countless pills she had to take...she even thought she remembered Lily and James...and a baby....

Until the doctors decided she was healthy enough to go back to the world again. Six years had passed since she had left the hospital, and somehow she had managed to carry on living. True, during the following years she had had relapses, especially at times like Christmas or Frank's birthday...On those occasions she would go to toy shops and compulsively buy presents for him, presents that would lately be discarded, given to someone else....

Lily's death hadn't helped her recovery as neither her father's had. Doctors hadn't given her the news while she was in the hospital because they were afraid that would endanger her recovery. What had made them thought that she would feel better if she knew them outside the hospital?

But she had survived, she had managed to begin a new life. And many times she had wanted desperately to call him. But what would she tell him? "Hello, dear, sorry to have been away for the last six years but I was in a mental hospital recovering from the shock that was finding out our son had died?" No. It was better to bury everything and try to move on.

In a sense, she knew that the fact that she had become a teacher was the result of her need to be in contact with children. Oh, her students loved her. Many times, although the Beauxbaton's Headmistress wasn't happy about it, she had been more like a friend than a teacher to her students.

And then, just when things seemed to be going back to something similar to normal, Albus had contacted her, asking her to go to Hogwarts, to become the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"I shouldn't have come back!" she cried. "I can't stay here! Oh, why did I come back?" she asked herself

"Because you had to," answered the voice inside her, "because after all those years you knew you had to come to get even with your past, to tell him the truth he deserves to know."

"Will I find peace if I do so?" she cried out loudly, hoping for an answer from somewhere. But no answer came back this time, and she knew she had to find one, she had to!

Air. She needed fresh air, and the need was so urgent that made her leave the room and go to the garden.

All her hopes that somehow fresh air would calm her were crushed as soon as she saw him walking in circles around the deserted garden. It was a warm spring night with a gentle breeze blowing from the lake, a night with a starry, cloudless sky.

She turned around to go back to her room when that stupid Mrs. Norris got in her away and made her fall to the ground, twisting her ankle in the way.

"I...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to interrupt....," she stuttered when Severus arrived to where she was lying he stretched out his hand to help her get back on her feet and then let her hand go, as quickly as if he had touched burning coal.

"I hope you are not hurt, Profesor McFarrell," he said hoping his voice wouldn't betray the concern he was feeling

"No, I'm fine," she said trying not to cry. "I think I will go to see Madame Pomfrey first time tomorrow. Thank you for helping me....Professor Snape."

"You're welcome"

"I...I will leave you now," she said turning her head back so he wouldn't see her tears.

Severus stood still as she watched her going away. He touched his hand. He could still feel her warmth there, and that mere touch on a night like that reminded him of many other nights long ago -millions of years ago- when he would hold her hand and she would look at him and they would dream of a future together.

Before his mouth had called her name, before he could think he saw her turning to him, more beautiful than ever under the pale night of the moon, tears flowing from her eyes and with a look of expectation? hope?.

He couldn't say. All he knew was that before he could think he had taken her in his arms and he was kissing her passionately, as if his life were about to end in any second...

Next? All he would remember later was that before they could realise what was happening they were in his room, leaving behind them a trail of robes and night-gowns, caring about nothing but their need of being together. He knew he needed to feel her close to him, he needed desperately that sense of reality her body beneath his gave him

And when they looked in each other eyes and saw the same feeling of longing in them, they forgot about everything but themselves, their bodies fitting perfectly with each other as they wildly moved in unison, until they came together in a long, shaking, heaving burst of breath-taking release, until everything exploded and they cried each other names.